Age Window in Marriage

[جوري]

Three things Allah SWT fulfills for the seeker if he should make his intent pure
1-Getting married
2-Getting out of debt
3-Making pilgrimage
I am sure Br. Qatada can you find you the hadith since I don't have it handy..
I am pretty sure if it really were your intent to marry, that you shall find what you seek, irregardless of the preferences of a few individuals on forum?..
I am curious though, do all older men suffer ED and alopecia? Seems as you put it disheartening to stoop to such hilarious remarks to make a point for your case?

 

[ayesha309]

Personally, prior to reading this thread, i would not consider marrying a brother younger than me. However after reading this thread, i have been convinced that younger brothers can possess the qualitites of "maturirty/responsiblity,etc" and thus, i would consider a brother younger than me. As for how young of a brohter i would consider? i think that would depend on my age and his age. if he and i were both in our twenties, then 2-3 years would be considered, provided he shows the signs of maturity. if he was in his teens and me in my twenties, he would have a harder time convincing me he is mature.
Thats my input. and ofcourse everything is in Allah's hand and only He knows our future
Assalaam u aliakum

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

Hm... Yeah that is true actually, guys don't tend to mind the age issue. lol. Maybe I should jokingly bring this up with my own brother and see if how he responds and why...

Just to play devil's advocate, what is the difference if someone is a few months younger as opposed to say 2 years younger? Why consider the former and not the latter? How would he impress you?

Will given that I'm 20, I just don't really feel all that into the idea of marrying an 18 year old. There is a difference in the mindset of an 18 year old vs a 20 year old, and I never really believed that before until I looked back at the way I was and used to think then vs now... And I don't say that offensively either, trust me.

Anyways, if a younger guy were to come to my father and my brothers got to know him and were like "Jawharah, give him a chance, he'd reallyy make a good husband" and then go on to list out his good qualities then that would be impressive, cuz my brothers tend to get to know people pretty well...

So I guess each figures that the opposite party will have those desired qualities when they're a certain age, rather then seeing it as a case-by-case issue.

Nah, I see it case by case too. I wouldn't just like a guy based on his age alone or necessarily reject him on that alone.

And yeah, true it is a bit of a cultural thing, but to be honest, I've yet to see guys out here who aren't really cultural.

I'm aware that there are many young brothers who want to get married and do it the right way, and really there have only been a few sisters who replied. How we think doesn't always equal the way things will turn out and we certainly do not represent all sisters. It all comes down to the Qadr of Allah and who He will place in our lives and whatever it comes to the main thing is that we are happy.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam

So I'm curious, especially as to sister's perspectives about age of your spouse. Would you marry a brother younger than you?

yes, if i feel he's compatible.

If so, what is the greatest difference you can tolerate?

depends on how old i am. if i was 25 and he was 20, then yes. but if i was 20 and he 15 or something than no :zip:

If a brother's younger, but he's mature, what would he need to do to get you to agree?

just be himself i guess. i mean if hes mature, then that maturity would just show it self.

For both: What is your window for the age of your spouse?

i dont mind marrying someone alot older than me (older people have more common sense, etc), as long as were
a) compatible
b)hes not like the age of my dad, :skeleton: etc

but at the same time id prefer to marry someone more my age, just simply because if the age gap is too much it means your raised differently, which means you would have different mentalities, and you may not get along because of that...

After that, isn't age just a number? Maturity, patience, understanding, stability, compatibility: aren't they more important?

not necessarily. for me personally, it would be weird to marry someone waaaay older than me, regardless of how mature they maybe. it just simply makes me shiver. :X

 

[noodles]

Often times I find that it is 'usually'(and I use the term loosely) the parents who are opposed to a brother marrying a sister that is older. It is, first of all, out of the ordinary. Therefore, parents have a hard time making comparisons with their own experiences and such. A lack of comparisons means they won't be able to predict how their daughter or son's lives will play out. After all, I would say most people would like to know what they are investing in.

That being said and done, I find the term maturity thrown about quiet a number of times. One thing I'd like to point out to people is when you say that a person is 'mature', maybe in one aspect of life he might be and in another he may not. You very well won't know until and unless you've seen him going through that. I've had people come to me and say I'm very mature. I understood what they were saying, but I found it to be very untrue, because sure I may be mature in the sense that I'm able to handle financial situations properly, or handle familial problems in a sensible manner. And at the same time, am not able to advance my 'maturity' when in comes to education because I'm a college-drop out and can't wrap my head around the concept of it. I may be immature in that sense.

I would love to marry someone older than me. I find there to be so many things that I can learn from them.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on the topic.

Jazakallah for starting an interesting topic.

[EDIT] I just wanted to mention that the first post of the thread reminded me how a couple of months back, I had similar questions I wanted to ask other individuals. And that the feelings going through my heart were that 'I want to get married to an older woman, I wonder how it is?' (Perhaps brother Abu Sayyad is feeling the same way):coolious:

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

What qualities should he have? What are you looking for?

just to side track a little here. what difference does it make if the person is older or younger than you. i mean if the maturity etc is all there, then either way the age wouldn't matter, right? so basically you wouldn't really notice an age gap, whether they are older or younger than you...at least thats how i see it...
i hope that makes sense :hiding:

but i do agree that males tend to mature a little later then females.
but i wonder if that differs with culture, etc. because i have realized that practicing brothers (and sisters) are quite mature for people their age. i mean compare them to the kuffar/bros and sis's not practicing...subhanallah there is quite a difference. i mean i remember once someone told my then 13 year old sister that she has a mind of a 30 year old :uuh:

Is that really it? Just knowing what's appropriate and what isn't? That really doesn't come with age as much as it does with the environment a person grows up in. I was expecting something along the lines of patience, being able to deal with womanly issues, not stubborn, open to compromising etc.

you see, im inclined to think that most of those characteristics don't stem form maturity, but from good character.

maturity, to me, would be making clear what he wants from a marriage, being firm in his reslove about certain issues (not necessaruily marriage related) and issues like that. For eg: say the guy goes and sees the girl and has the preference/expectations in a wife such as that he will be the provider for his family. so he goes to the girl, etc and asks her what she thinks of this, only for her to say that she wants to work and help him out financially, etc

but because he is interested in getting married, he suddenly changes his preference and thinks "nah its ok if my wife works, its no big deal etc"...

so by changing his preference it shows he doesn't really know what he wants, and weakens when he sees what he wants in front of him, i.e the potential wife...



like the "insecure guy" in this video that baba ali does. to, me that's not maturity, because he doesn't know what he wants and if your're looking for a spouse, then knowing what you want and what your looking for in a spouse, is the key to finding the right one.



and also, to me, being mature would be the way he conducts himself when looking for a wife. for eg (and even some sisters do this) they talk about marriage quite immaturely and drop these desperate little hints to people that they are looking. i sound like such a b**** -[), but it looks SOOOOOO wrong...mg::hiding:
i mean there's nothing wrong with dropping hints, but not when you do it the wrong way.

He impressed me by doing athan at the office everyday. :embarrass
and when i told this to my cousin...she said; "you like him because he did athan????? :zip:"

looool I love it!
reminds me of me being once interested in a bro because he did a really cool khutbah here :embarrass:embarrass:embarrass:

 

[noorseeker]

my mum and dads difference is around 18 years.

There are people with 30,40 or even 50 years diference, i personally know of this

 

[Zahida]

Lol Little one................... Don't go getting ideas!!!!:bump1:

But not for the money. I read in a newspaper that a 36 year old married a billion dollar 86 year old. The husband died after 6 months and the women was free to marry anyone & got the money as well.

 

[syilla]

But not for the money. I read in a newspaper that a 36 year old married a billion dollar 86 year old. The husband died after 6 months and the women was free to marry anyone & got the money as well.

thats if the old man doesn't have any children...if not you'll be thrown out from the house with nothing left.

 

[S_87]

What about if she's mid twenties? like 25? and the brother is 22? Around those ages?

yeh then i guess its different and depends on the brother. many men also want younger women too...


syilla thats so sweet

 

[crayon]

My mom is 2, almost 3, years older than my dad, and they're great together mashallah. She was 29 and he was 27 (or 26? i always forget..) when they got married.

For me, the age of the person I'd like to marry is roughly something like:
A maximum of 5-7 years older.
A maximum of 2-3 years younger.

Although ultimately it all depends on the specific person. It also depends on the age I marry at. Like one sister said, there's a difference me being 25 and him 20, and my being 20 and him 15.

Age is just another thing to factor into the equation of deciding whether this specific person is right for you. It's not one of the main things, but it does play a small role. It can be easily overlooked though, when the age difference is more than what I'd usually look for, but the brother's personality and characteristics outweigh the difference in age.

So yeah, the age window I have (and i guess other people as well), is just a rough guideline, nothing is set in stone. Who knows, I could end up with someone 10 years my senior, or 8 years my junior. (although the latter is slightly creepy... he'd be 9 now.)

 

[crayon]

I think the younger the sister, the bigger deal it is about age?

Is that a fair trend to put forward?

Yeah, I would agree with that.
I think the older you get, the more the difference in age seems to matter less.

I remember when I was in the first grade, the second and third graders were considered "big kids", and 8th graders were considered "huuuuge". Then in junior high, in the 7th grade, we would hang out with 7th and 8th graders. Now as a senior, I've got friends that are in the 10th and 11th grade, and friends in university, or who have graduated. So the younger you are, the more restricted you are in terms of befriending people from different ages, at least in my personal experience.

A 5 year difference is more of a restriction if the 2 people are 15 and 10, but as you get older, a 25 year old can interact just as well with a 20 year old as he or she can with a 30 year old. I guess perhaps it's because eventually a plateau is reached in regards to maturity, and the differences are slight, whereas the younger you are, the more obvious these differences are.

 

[Al-Zaara]

Did anyone mention the biological factors here for why it is more often men that tend to not care what age their wives are? Men can produce almost all of their lives, while women tend to come to that place where having children is very, very difficult (or impossible).

For me, 2 years younger max and 1-2 years older max. I'd prefer someone my age, 'cause of experience and same place in life. I have been introduced to merely men above my age for marriage, and I must say, even though these men where pious and religious, I just didn't see it, I found it wasn't for me. Of course I might change.

Psychological reasons for my attitude must probably be that all my life, men in our family and culture tend to "look down" at the woman they marry who most probably is a few years younger than him, then they'd go "Oh, she's still so unexperienced" and they question her intelligence, as if theirs is equal to Einstein's.

Whatever happens happens.

 

[Nájlá]

All of this are qualities that come to a man based on how he's grown up. If a male grew up carefree and had a relaxed childhood, he'll mature later. If he grew up amongst adults and was always with people older than him, these qualities start becoming innate in him from a young age. Secondly, a man that has all those qualities and more is probably rare, every person has short comings. You need to be able to figure out which shortcoming you're able to compromise on and which ones you cannot. So if a man is older than you, but is low in a couple areas, would you marry him? If yes, why not someone lacking in the same areas, but a little younger?

On another point, from what I've noticed women mature no faster than men. If both are coming from an Islamic background, pious and active on the dawah scene and all, then pretty much they're on the same level, even if they're a few years apart [+/- 5 years]. This is because they've had their personalities shaped by Islamic education and involvement in the community where they've interacted with all sorts of people. This adds to their maturity.

i totally agree with u....
anyway to answer ur question. yes I would But i also dont mind marry somone lacking in the same areas if he's a little younger.
get me? i said before that if i was gonna marry somone younger than me then he'd be 1 yr or a couple of months younger more than that is a no.

 

[anonymous]

Im a sister and I will only marry a brother younger than me, not that age matters but Im really immature, it would be boring to live with someone too mature for me. It just wouldn't work for me, so I guess it depends on the individual.:smile:I 'love' how Li is turning into ummah slowly...

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ trust me its not



btw mature people can b fun too

 

[anonymous]

More cultural and less islamic or more bossy admins? hence the need to leave this place :zip:

We somewhat agree, but I like our Admins. Bossy is good. ..But they're not bossy akhi.

Where are you going islamirama?I wanted to join islamic awakening but the page doesn't load:'(

^ trust me its not

btw mature people can b fun too

Mature people might be annoyed by immature people, that's the last thing I want to do, annoy my husband, don't you think?mature poeple are really cool I really don't know how they do iteace:

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ well im seen as a mature individual and i love being around immature people

 

[anonymous]

^ well im seen as a mature individual and i love being around immature people

Good on you.:smile:when mum and dad got married,most girls near my mums villiage were pressurised to marry a guy older than themselves,aparently it's better,^o)to be honest,that's rubbish because most of the time it was evident that there was more dispute amongst husband and wife with an age gap,the man tend to be more controlling and the woman maybe too young to know a lot of the things that the man wants like cooking and etc.

 

[anonymous]

What kind of evidence? Would that be something like excelling in studies [like a year or two ahead] or active in dawah or both? Would it be based on how he deals with people? Or after research about him? How would you gain unbiased evidence? Unbiased meaning away from the bias that 'men mature later'?

AssalamuAlaykum

I'd wanna see/know how he interacts with others, especially elders in his family, his peers etc. And that knowledge would come after research obviously. Based on his deen, imaan and ilm too.

Wallahu A'lam. Some things just happen and getting to know these things is easier in some situations, Alhamdulillah :')

What's your age window? I.e. Plus/Minus how much from your age?

Ya know, despite everything that is being said about age being just a number, I'd feel real insecure with somebody more than a year younger than me.

I think the reasons for that are...Hmm personal. But yah.

At the moment, if all goes well insha'Allah....the bro is 3 and a half years older than me and I think thats totally perfect masha'Allah walhamdulillah. A year or two here and there and I'd be a little undecisive about the whole thing.

May Allah (swt) grant us all pious partners and make them a means of happiness for us in this world and the hereafter. Ameen!

WassalamuAlaykum