Marriage at a young age?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Im just trying to figure something out i regards to marrying at a young age. Not in the sense of the age itself, but in the sense of being intellectually mature etc to be married, because we all know that being age x, is not equated to acting age x.


So the point of this thread is to try to get as many replies as possible as to how important it is to be "maturely stable" when it comes to marriage, taking into consideration that being married is tied to a huge responsibility.
btw, when i say "immature/mature" in my post, i mean in the sense of being able to carry the responsibility of marriage, eg, raising a family, looking after your spouse, making the right decisions, etc.


we know that it becomes waabij (obligatory) for a Muslim man to get married under the following

It is (quite) possible in respect to some people it is obligatory (to get married) if there is fear within himself that he may fall into fornication whilst he is able to afford to get married.

my question: what if he does fulfill these conditions, and yet isn't intellectually or mature enough to handle this responsibility? should he still marry? if possible, i need this from an Islamic perspective more than anything.

i know that marriage becomes wajob in the above mentioned conditions, but does being intellectually ready also come in affect? Because when you look at the flip side, you are realize that if someone is to get married when they are still immature, lots of problems are bound to stem, such as not understanding ones spouse, taking care of a family as required perhaps even to the extent where tension between the married couple arises. that in turn affects the kids (if they have any), innit? so basically all these stuff that are easily avoided if marriage is sought at a more "appropriate time."
so, in other words, does it matter if the guy isn't mature, even though he has fulfilled the requirements for marriage to become waajib upon him?


but on the side:
When do you think a person should get married? What factors do you think people should take into consideration when marrying (and I include parents here…I.e when do you think parents should allow their kids to marry-both boys and girls)

Is it when a brother is financially prepared?
I mean you have say a brother who is financially able, but then he may not necessarily be maturely ready for marriage. Do you think that one should get married young, even if they aren't mature enough? (for both a brother and sister) how much does/should being mature affect being ready for marriage (especially from an Islamic perspective)?

what affects do you think being immature would have on a marital relationship eg, basic things like communication/understanding of your spouse?

Also, society! What/how do you think a society plays a role in the maturing of a person, and do you think this affects ones marrying at a higher/lower age?


and also for a sister, is it necessary for her to be mature when she marries? i mean you have the guy who need to be financially stable and all, but with a girl, such things aren't obligatory, so does it really matter if she isn't as mature as the guy? or is it okay that she matures during her marriage?

what level of maturity should one one be at when they get married? On one hand (imo) being immature and being married is a bad idea, but on the flip side, i really do think that being married does mature someone.
so is it right/wrong for someone to be married and yet expect them to take on the huge responsibility of marriage, even though they aren't mature enough to take on it? or is it "unfair" to expect someone to grow up that fast? should all this "growing up," etc and maturing be done before hand. what negative affect could it have on a marriage?

to sum up: does being immature and married, equate to being thrown in the lake without knowing how to swim? or something to that affect?


And anything else you think is interesting/important surrounding marrying at a young age.

apologizes for the long post, and let me know if any of it doesn't make sense!

 

[crayon]

So the point of this thread is to try to get as many replies as possible as to how important it is to be "maturely stable" when it comes to marriage, taking into consideration that being married is tied to a huge responsibility.

I think that is one of THE most important things, and something that should determine "when" a person should get married. If a person is mature and responsible enough to get married and start a family at 18, go for it! But if he's 30 and he still hasn't acquired enough maturity or responsibility.. Perhaps he should wait till he's 60.laying: This goes both ways, by the way, brothers and sisters.

btw, when i say "immature/mature" i mean in the sense of being able to carry the responsibility of marriage, eg, raising a family, looking after your spouse, making the right decisions, etc.


we know that it becomes waabij (obligatory) for a Muslim man to get married under the following


my question: what if he does fulfill these conditions, and yet isn't intellectually or mature enough to handle this responsibility? should he still marry? if possible, i need this from an Islamic perspective more than anything. i know that marriage becomes wajob in the above mentioned conditions, but does being intellectually ready also come in affect?

To get married, a person must be "baligh, aaqil, and rashid". Baligh is someone who has reached puberty, aaqil means someone who is sane (could also mean someone of stable mind, as in mature), and rashid means someone mature (sort of, not sure of the exact translation).

but on the side:
When do you think a person should get married? What factors do you think people should take into consideration when marrying (and I include parents here…I.e when do you think parents should allow their kids to marry-both boys and girls)
Is it when a brother is financially prepared?

I think that the marriage should be consummated and they should move in together when the brother can afford it. I don't mean able to pay for loads of dinner parties, expensive furniture, enough clothes for a country. I mean able to provide the basics. Food, an acceptable place to stay, any medical expenses, that sort of thing. Until a brother can do that, I think it would be better if the sister stayed with her parents (while having had the nikaah done if they want)

what affects do you think being immature would have on a marital relationship eg, basic things like communication/understanding of your spouse?

They'd know less on how to deal with any problems they encountered, take divorce more lightly, fight about tiny things, etc.

Also, society! What/how do you think a society plays a role in the maturing of a person, and do you think this affects ones marrying at a higher/lower age?

Society definitely plays an important part in the maturation of someone; a 16 year old person living in hard conditions and having to grow up fast would not have the same maturity as someone who gets everything handed to them on a platter.

and also for a sister, is it necessary for her to be mature when she marries? i mean you have the guy who need to be financially stable and all, but with a girl, such things aren't obligatory, so does it really matter if she isn't as mature as the guy? or is it okay that she matures during her marriage?

She should be somewhat mature, of course. If she's nagging constantly, or acting immature and annoying, or whatever it is that little kids do, their marriage is going to be very over, very fast.
But on the other hand, she doesn't have to be totally 100% mature, just something acceptable..

to sum up: does being immature and married, equate to being thrown in the lake without knowing how to swim? or something to that affect?

Yes and no. You've got to have the basics in place, the essential maturity, and then anything extra will come with time.

I think. Please excuse my ramblings, I just answered the questions as I went along, they may not be totally coherent...:embarrass
Oh, and these are all just random thoughts of mine though, nothing from an islamic perspective.

 

[noorseeker]

we all mature with age, it just means you grow up with your family when you marry young. A few people who are married young have told me this

 

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

:salamext:

I think it's the responsibility of the parents to raise responsible young adults, rather than smothering them in to thinking they can behave and think like children until they reach two decades. I think that's why teenagers are so scared to get married these days. Before, there were children and adults, no in-betweens. Nowadays young adults are led to believe that its fine for them to be irresponsible, and 'rebel' etc., because they are 'teenagers'.

Another thing I can't stand is when families criticise youngsters for being 'immature', or not prepared for marriage, yet do nothing to help the young person. I mean, it's very easy to point and criticise, but what are you going to do to help the situation? Why not explain the responsibilities of marriage, raising children etc., and how to handle them?

I've also noticed that people will simply be branded as being too 'immature', simply based on their age. I really feel that the only one who truly knows if you are mature enough to handle the responsibility, is yourself. Find out as much as possible about marriage, and see what you can do to prepare yourself. And no, it isn't impossible. You will find that marriage helps mature you greatly, and you adjust with the responsibilities as time goes by.

Personally, I'd like to help my children get married at whichever age is best for them, and support them fully in that, and my husband feels the same way, al-Hamdulillaah.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

jazakumullahu khair for your replies

They'd know less on how to deal with any problems they encountered, take divorce more lightly, fight about tiny things, etc.
She should be somewhat mature, of course. If she's nagging constantly, or acting immature and annoying, or whatever it is that little kids do, their marriage is going to be very over, very fast.
But on the other hand, she doesn't have to be totally 100% mature, just something acceptable..

yh, that's what i also mean by being immature. just these small things that are easily avoided if the marriage wasn't done in haste, so to speak

:salamext:
I think it's the responsibility of the parents to raise responsible young adults, rather than smothering them in to thinking they can behave and think like children until they reach two decades. I think that's why teenagers are so scared to get married these days. Before, there were children and adults, no in-betweens.

I agree with the part about raising your kids as responsible, etc…but at the same time, that can be something way different to raising them to be mature for marriage at a young age. Its two different things to raise someone as a responsible adult, and to raise someone ready for marriage. I would think anyway lol
To me, raising a child to be responsible for a marriage at a young age would depend on the mentality of the child him/herself. I mean you cant force the kid to mature for marriage if it doesn’t conform to their mentality. Its simply not fair. So, to me, sounds like you would be making the kid mature too fast, or at a place/time where he/she isnt really that ready to. Is that fair? Because to me, you may be burdening someone with something they cant handle and u cant do that to your own kid of all people :'( your basically forcing your kid to mature quicker if they aren't ready for it, right? so thats where my question comes in: Islamically is it okay to marry off your kid, if it he/she isn’t mature enough for the responsibility. Would be be like oppression?

Nowadays young adults are led to believe that its fine for them to be irresponsible, and 'rebel' etc., because they are 'teenagers'.

yh i agree with that. but still, does that mean that they are ready to be married? i guess that's the other extreme, innit. just because they are mature, does that equate them to be ready for marriage?
i hope that makes sense lol :-[

Another thing I can't stand is when families criticise youngsters for being 'immature', or not prepared for marriage, yet do nothing to help the young person. I mean, it's very easy to point and criticise, but what are you going to do to help the situation? Why not explain the responsibilities of marriage, raising children etc., and how to handle them?

yh agreed

I've also noticed that people will simply be branded as being too 'immature', simply based on their age. I really feel that the only one who truly knows if you are mature enough to handle the responsibility, is yourself.

i strongly disagree and i think this is where parents and that come in. i dont think a young person is "mentally fit" enough to determine themselves if they are mature enough to handle the resp of a marriage... its not about them being kids, etc its about the burden they are to carry if they're not ready to.
and i guess it goes the other way too innit. i mean someone may be ready for marriage, but not realize it ...hmmm...

 

[AhlaamBella]

we all mature with age, it just means you grow up with your family when you marry young. A few people who are married young have told me this

That is very very true :thumbs_up.

But a sense of maturity is still important, though not vital in the case of a woman.

I was going to use the scenario of a husband and wife having an argument and the immature one tends to be more vocal/highly strung. However, look at the story of Aaisha r.a when she knocked the plate of food/honey (can't quite remember) from the prophet SAW.

Refer to this thread; marital arts

Not MARTIAL arts

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^ dang! i thought it was imsad

 

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

I agree with the part about raising your kids as responsible, etc…but at the same time, that can be something way different to raising them to be mature for marriage at a young age. Its two different things to raise someone as a responsible adult, and to raise someone ready for marriage. I would think anyway lol
To me, raising a child to be responsible for a marriage at a young age would depend on the mentality of the child him/herself. I mean you cant force the kid to mature for marriage if it doesn’t conform to their mentality. Its simply not fair. So, to me, sounds like you would be making the kid mature too fast, or at a place/time where he/she isnt really that ready to. Is that fair? Because to me, you may be burdening someone with something they cant handle and u cant do that to your own kid of all people :'( your basically forcing your kid to mature quicker if they aren't ready for it, right? so thats where my question comes in: Islamically is it okay to marry off your kid, if it he/she isn’t mature enough for the responsibility. Would be be like oppression?

Why would that be oppression? I don't understand your point. If the child doesn't want to be mature, then clearly they shouldn't get married yet. There's different types of immaturity, and I don't think all types conflict with marriage. The main thing that's important is responsibility. I'm not saying they aren't allowed to enjoy life, etc., rather they should learn to be responsible. And if the child isn't ready for that, the parent really should be able to see, as they wouldn't be able to handle it. Therefore they would teach them responsibility at a rate that suits them.

yh i agree with that. but still, does that mean that they are ready to be married? i guess that's the other extreme, innit. just because they are mature, does that equate them to be ready for marriage?
i hope that makes sense lol :-[

If someone is physically and mentally (and in the case of men, financially) able to marry, why aren't they ready to get married? Because msot people their age don't get married nowadays?

i strongly disagree and i think this is where parents and that come in. i dont think a young person is "mentally fit" enough to determine themselves if they are mature enough to handle the resp of a marriage... its not about them being kids, etc its about the burden they are to carry if they're not ready to.
and i guess it goes the other way too innit. i mean someone may be ready for marriage, but not realize it ...hmmm...

Yes, sometimes the parents do notice things in their child which show they are not marriage, but that's not what I was refferring to. Sometimes parents feel their child is not ready, simply because of their age, not their mentality or conduct. And when it comes to it, they find that their child was actually very mature and able to handle the responsibility. They just never gave them the chance to prove themselves. It's kind of sad, because when a lot of young people want to get married, people stand around on the sidelines waiting for them to fail, instead of lending a helping hand. And then they complain about how young people these days are committing all sorts of immodest acts. Allaahul Musta'aan.