Men desire for more than one woman

[glo]

I think whilst we are expressing our views in this thread, different people still have different perceptions of what is meant by 'desiring other women' and 'looking at other women'.

Some talk about desiring other women as in 'being unfaithful and having more than one sexual partner'; others talk about desiring other women as in 'looking at the beauty of other women and 'fancying' other women (even of remaining faithful to one's wife); other still talk desiring other women as in 'marrying more than one wife'.

Really, it makes that poll confusing, because people are voting on different things.

 

[syilla]

This thread is not really about polygynous marriage. Is just that i'm a bit curious how many really out there believe that there are guys who focus having desire only for one woman

Sometime men married another... not really because of lusts but for other reasons.

May Allah affirmed our marriage or our marriage to-be only for Allah swt Ameen... and May Allah bless our marriage

 

[ghengis]

to be honest... i would rather marry four divorcees for the pleasure of allah then enjoy my self with an earthly love.
or 4 refugees...
etc...

...thats 4 times as much potential good deeds!!!!! bonus!... bonus score!
...and 4 times steeper learning curve in character improvement and self discipline!!!
bonus' all round i say

lol

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Just thought I'll add in my two cents after reading the posts on this thread.

Firstly, I think that the thread title is misleading, since 'men' is understood generally, it's like a blanket statement. Secondly, desire for more than one woman, in what? In marriage or just in general, like the statement: 'men love women'?

Anyway, with that out of the way, let me move on. Men will always love their desires - they have been beautified for them, and from their desires (shahawaat), the first and main thing is women. This is an undeniable fact, Allaah Himself has revealed an ayah about this, so no denying it. Men will always love women, and there isn't anything wrong or shameful about this, this is from his completion and perfection as a human being and as a man - as Ibn Qayyim (rahimullah) stated in Al Jawab Al Kafi.

Now, when it comes to desiring more than one woman, then it's incorrect to make a blanket statement regarding this, which is why I said above that the thread title misleading. Men are different, some men will desire one and some will desire more, and not all men are like the Messenger (saw) to be satisfied with one woman as he was with Khadija (r.a.) and at the end of the day this is the very reason Allaah has made four permissible, and the only condition he made upon this was al-'Adl, justness/fairness towards them, which if the man fears he will not be able to uphold towards them, then he should limit himself to one. فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَاحِدَةً {But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one..}. And as Abu Dawud recorded that Abu Hurayra said that the Messenger (saw) said: "Whoever has two wives and inclines to one of them (too much), will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides dragging."

If a brother marries a second wife to satisfy his desires, is there anything wrong with that provided he will be just to both his wives to the best of his abilities? Isn't it better that he satisfies his desires through marriage as opposed to taking a mistress? Let's not deny ourselves, there are many cases of adultery in our communities. I really don't get how some posts are demonizing a person if he were to take a second wife if he has desire left in him. Seriously, Allaah knows us better than ourselves, there is wisdom in the permissibility of four wives, and if a person can fulfill the requirement that Allaah has placed on him of justice, then who cares if he married her out of desire or out of wanting to take care of her needs because no one else would do that?

Now on the other side, I completely agree that it shouldn't be injustice towards the other wives, i.e. taking a younger to replace an older and abandoning her etc. These cases also happen of course and they are wrong and it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. My point is solely theoretical as applying this in the West where marriage to more than one woman is against the law and living here we are not allowed by Islaam to break the law of the land we're in. So it's a moot point and topic.

As for myself, in marriage, then knowing myself, I won't be able to have more than one wife - I think I'll be quite satisfied with one Insha'Allaah and I probably won't be able to deal w/ more than one mother-in-law, much less talking to a second Wali Not to mention I'm too afraid that I won't be able to be just with more than one anyway, so I won't Insha'Allaah put myself in a position where I might accidentally oppress someone.

 

[ghengis]

:salamext:

i just heard from some of the nicest men...that not all man desire for more than one woman. some of them think one good woman is enough for them.

errr... thats the thing. he was only being nice

 

[ragdollcat1982]

I think whilst we are expressing our views in this thread, different people still have different perceptions of what is meant by 'desiring other women' and 'looking at other women'.

Some talk about desiring other women as in 'being unfaithful and having more than one sexual partner'; others talk about desiring other women as in 'looking at the beauty of other women and 'fancying' other women (even of remaining faithful to one's wife); other still talk desiring other women as in 'marrying more than one wife'.

Really, it makes that poll confusing, because people are voting on different things.

Glo if a man looks at another women with any sort of lust or desire he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

[ragdollcat1982]

If a brother marries a second wife to satisfy his desires, is there anything wrong with that provided he will be just to both his wives to the best of his abilities? Isn't it better that he satisfies his desires through marriage as opposed to taking a mistress? Let's not deny ourselves, there are many cases of adultery in our communities. I really don't get how some posts are demonizing a person if he were to take a second wife if he has desire left in him. Seriously, Allaah knows us better than ourselves, there is wisdom in the permissibility of four wives, and if a person can fulfill the requirement that Allaah has placed on him of justice, then who cares if he married her out of desire or out of wanting to take care of her needs because no one else would do that?


:

If my husband came to me and said he wanted to add another woman to the home or take a second wife I would divorce him in a heartbeat. I can understand the Islamic prespective in cases of taking war widows or orphans to offer these women and their young children some protection. However to take a second wife to merely satisfy his desires? IMHO that is no different than a man going out and committing adultery. It would make me feel inadeqaute and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot satisfy my husbands needs physical or emotional. For women it can be damaging emotionally.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

ah so 2% of men do have self restraint...wow....


you learn something new everyday :rollseyes

what a chance to knock down all women in one single witty blow you have given me.



but i shall practice "self restraint"
:rollseyes

 

[- IqRa -]

'Abd al-Rahman - Best Reply on the thread mashaAllah

 

[Muezzin]

[quote='Abd al-Rahman]If a brother marries a second wife to satisfy his desires, is there anything wrong with that provided he will be just to both his wives to the best of his abilities?[/quote]
If the original wife really hates the idea and would therefore be psychologically harmed by it regardless of equal treatment, then yes, there would be something wrong with it.

Also, I seriously doubt that a man who marries a second wife to satisfy his desires (because from his point of view his original wife is inadequate) would try his best to be just to the ‘least satisfying’ wife, but that’s my jaded opinion.

Isn't it better that he satisfies his desires through marriage as opposed to taking a mistress? Let's not deny ourselves, there are many cases of adultery in our communities.

If the original wife agrees, of her own free will, and would not be emotionally damaged, and the husband is in a position to provide equally for all parties, fine.

If not, the husband should control himself.

I really don't get how some posts are demonizing a person if he were to take a second wife if he has desire left in him. Seriously, Allaah knows us better than ourselves, there is wisdom in the permissibility of four wives, and if a person can fulfill the requirement that Allaah has placed on him of justice, then who cares if he married her out of desire or out of wanting to take care of her needs because no one else would do that?

The original wife might. It’s a complicated issue.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

If my husband came to me and said he wanted to add another woman to the home or take a second wife I would divorce him in a heartbeat. I can understand the Islamic prespective in cases of taking war widows or orphans to offer these women and their young children some protection. However to take a second wife to merely satisfy his desires? IMHO that is no different than a man going out and committing adultery. It would make me feel inadeqaute and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot satisfy my husbands needs physical or emotional. For women it can be damaging emotionally.

I'm speaking from a strictly religious perspective. Islamicaly, there is a distinction, one is permissible, the other isn't. Of the intents of Islamic Law is the preservation of society and lineage, and society isn't preserved nor is lineage when people adulterate as is widely common today. It's the better option that a man takes a second wife, wherein he will provide for her and take care of her, even if the initial reason he marries her is because he desires her, rather than committing adultery.

Also, women differ, some are ok with it and others are not. I've even heard of someone who's first wife wants to find her husband a second wife. And another point worth mentioning is that a woman can stipulate it in her marriage contract that her husband not take another wife with her; she has the right to do that so by all means if she feels she will not be able to deal w/ a co-wife, she should take advantage of this and state it clearly in the contract.

If the original wife really hates the idea and would therefore be psychologically harmed by it regardless of equal treatment, then yes, there would be something wrong with it.

Well, assuming she isn't of course. That wasn't the point I was getting at, my point was stated assuming other factors are in agreement, such as the first wife agreeing with the idea.

Also, I seriously doubt that a man who marries a second wife to satisfy his desires (because from his point of view his original wife is inadequate) would try his best to be just to the ‘least satisfying’ wife, but that’s my jaded opinion.

How does marrying a second wife out of desire translate to the original wife being inadequate?

If the original wife agrees, of her own free will, and would not be emotionally damaged, and the husband is in a position to provide equally for all parties, fine.

If not, the husband should control himself.

I agree. However, my point was, if a man cannot control himself (extreme situation), and it's going to be adultery or a second wife, then marriage is the correct option.

The original wife might. It’s a complicated issue.

Of course, but again it differs from person to person, from couple to couple.

 

[Muezzin]

Well, assuming she isn't of course. That wasn't the point I was getting at, my point was stated assuming other factors are in agreement, such as the first wife agreeing with the idea.

Okay.

How does marrying a second wife out of desire translate to the original wife being inadequate?

It's circular reasoning, but why would a man desire another woman besides his original wife unless he feels the original wife is inadequate? If there's nothing wrong with his original wife, why marry another on the basis of desire rather than on the basis of protection etc?

I agree. However, my point was, if a man cannot control himself (extreme situation), and it's going to be adultery or a second wife, then marriage is the correct option.

A marriage based on lust is inherently weaker than one based on love.

Also, there is always the third option of controlling oneself. The extremity of the situation is immaterial in this context. Commiting adultery is not an involuntary process (unless it has been diluted by a copious amount of alcohol). A man with that kind of poor impulse control probably isn't going to be the best husband to even one wife, let alone multiple wives. I mean, how far does this desire go? What if even four wives aren't enough to sate his desire? It's a slippery slope.

Of course, but again it differs from person to person, from couple to couple.

I agree. From my point of view, however, I really can't see most men who marry multiple wives on the basis of desire treating their original wives very well in comparison to 'the newer model'. It flies in the face of basic biology and psychology. So in my opinion it's not impossible, but very unlikely that such a man would treat his wives equally.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

It's circular reasoning, but why would a man desire another woman besides his original wife unless he feels the original wife is inadequate? If there's nothing wrong with his original wife, why marry another on the basis of desire rather than on the basis of protection etc?

You're making a point that cannot be proved - it's arguable either way - precisely because men are different. Many people cheat, not because their first wife is inadequate, but because they get carried away in the heat of their desires.

As for the second question, I brought up desires only because people were demonizing the concept of taking a second wife based on it. It might not be the original reason why the permissibility of 4 wives exists, but it is logical to say that it is one of the reasons.

Also, there is always the third option of controlling oneself. The extremity of the situation is immaterial in this context. Commiting adultery is not an involuntary process (unless it has been diluted by a copious amount of alcohol). A man with that kind of poor impulse control probably isn't going to be the best husband to even one wife, let alone multiple wives. I mean, how far does this desire go? What if even four wives aren't enough to sate his desire? It's a slippery slope.

Well, I do agree with you here, self control is probably the best and simplest option, and something we as Muslims should internalize. It's also true that committing adultery is a conscious decision, but the point is, many people do make that decision. Taking a second wife is a means of preventing the harms that result from adultery on society, i.e. 'You desire her? Then take her as a wife, provide for her, take care of her, take care of her needs and then satisfy your desires, otherwise have self control'. I think when the man gets to paying his monthly bills for his two wives, his desire will come to rest .

I agree. From my point of view, however, I really can't see most men who marry multiple wives on the basis of desire treating their original wives very well in comparison to 'the newer model'. It flies in the face of basic biology and psychology.

To carry it further, I can't see most men who marry multiple wives regardless of the basis, treating each wife equally in every respect. There will always be some discrepancy; but as long as he is equal in time, nights, and provisions, then the discrepancy that exists in matters that cannot be controlled such as intimacy and love, is forgiven.

To build on that, we have the verse {And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging.}.

People won't be able to fair to all of them in each and every respect. As Ibn Kathir narrates in his Tafseer: Even when one divides the nights justly between wives, there will still be various degrees concerning love, desire and sexual intimacy, as Ibn `Abbas, `Ubaydah As-Salmani, Mujahid, Al-Hasan Al-Basri and Ad-Dahhak bin Muzahim stated.

Imam Ahmad and the collectors of the Sunan recorded that `A'ishah said, "The Messenger of Allah used to treat his wives equally and proclaim, (O Allah! This is my division in what I own, so do not blame me for what You own and I do not own) referring to his heart. [Sahih]

Agreed, this isn't a justification for intentional disparity in treatment (I provided the hadeeth previously that shows the punishment on the one who is unjust and unfair in his treatment towards his wives), it's meant to illustrate only that absolute equality in everything is beyond the power of a human being.

Lastly, I just want to point out again that I'm speaking from a theoretical perspective, where it is assumed all other conditions are being met, the wife agrees, the man is a pious Muslim etc. I intentionally didn't go into practicality and application in today's reality of this, because as I said in my original post, most of us live in places where we cannot even practice this or even come across people that practice it, so in that context, it's a useless discussion.