Forced , tricked , lied too

[anonymous]

last summer my parents decided that we should go to my homeland for a vaca but sadly i didnt know that .. that was the reason for me to get married.... anywayz.. im still in uni and i never wanted to get married.. my parents told me straight out.. u only have one shot .. either marry this person or we r leavin you here. n basically locked up.. i was mad furious ... wat did i do to deserve this. but anyhow before they were suppose to leave that weekend i said yes. since there was no other way. n i basically knew he wanted me for my papers. so i got married n two weeks later i came back to america so to get his papers done n to basically finish my schooling .. and i know i will never love him nor care for him since i was tricked i dont speak to my family since im pissed at them i cant believe that they did that to me i even moved to another state since im married i could do watever.. so now i want basically to do the khlooo3 since i know he would never divorce me n plus i dont wanna go back to my country n be basically be forced married to him.. cuz he threatened me. my family r pissed now when they found out n i i dont wanna go back n live with em.. n since im in america they cant do anythin to me since im over age.. i found out that i can do khlo3 from here .. this masjed near me .. so i just need some adivces since my whole family r against me .. thanks

 

[syilla]

^^^ sorry to hear ukhtee . Alhamdulillah you're strong. May Allah make it easy for you and help you all the way.

p/s:- i just can never understand these kind of marriages imsad

 

[Muhaba]

Well, to get khulla you have to return the mahr. I guess you can go to shariah court or if the masjid near you gives khullah it's ok but make sure it's accepted by governments, etc. You don't want to be islamically divorced but still married in the eyes of the law because that would complicate things, like you won't be able to remarry because the govt will say that you're already married. If you haven't done marriage in court, then i guess just getting the khullah from the masjid (after returning whatever mahr you've gotten) would be enough. (But get an opinion from a knowledgeable scholar whether a masjid can give khullah or only a court.)

 

[Tanya Khan]

Really sorry to hear that sis. May Allah be with you and help you through this. Ameen.

Has he got his visa yet? If not, DO NOT bring him over otherwise you'll be liable to get the english divorce too.

A friend of mine went through something similar a while ago.
You can private message me if you need any info.

Take Care sis.

 

[Sampharo]

God be with you sister. A person is most definitely allowed to choose her spouse, but I cannot say that Islam approves of how you behaved with your parents even though they are doing something so harsh and thoughtless.

If you ask any scholar you will find that he tells you to obey and please your parents, or at the very least seek their forgiveness and absolutely show them servitude and kindness. You cannot cut them off like that and just emancipate yourself, this is your ticket to God's wrath in life and to Hell in the afterlife.

A man from the days of our beloved prophet was called AAalqama, and was a pious worshiping man. He got sick and was dying and the companions told the prophet -pbuh- that he seems unable to pronounce the shahada, the prophet knew immediately and asked if either of his parents were alive, and when they said yes his mother, he called to her to come and asked her "How was he? And tell me the truth or God's message will." She said he was a prayer and faster. He asked how she feels about her son, and she said she's not satisfied. (Subhan Allah, his tongue was tied from pronouncing the shahada just because she was not satisfied with him). The mother said that he was good, but he preferred his wife over her and disobeyed her, and her heart is not satisfied because of that.

The prophet -pbuh- told the companions AAalqama's tongue is tied with AAalqama's mother dissatisfaction. And then he called to Bilal to collect a lot of wood, when his mother asked why, the prophet said because they will burn him between her hands. The mother frieked and said "my heart cannot take that!" and the prophet then said "God's hellfire is stronger and longer-lasting, if you are pleased that he is to be forgiven you need to be satisfied with him. For by God not his prayer or fasting or charity would do him any good if you're dissatisfied with him" The mother said "I declare in front of God, his angels, and whomever is here from the muslims that I am satisfied with my son and have forgiven him." The prophet -pbuh- then asked Bilal to go to AAalqama and see if he can pronounce it, because maybe his mother did not mean it and they have to ask her again and again. Bilal went and heard from behind the door AAalqama's voice repeating the shahada "La Elaha Ella Allah", and Bilal told them that Aalqama's mother's dissatisfaction tied his tongue, and her satisfaction and forgiveness set it free. AAaqama died that day and the prophet came and ordered to cleanse him and make ghusl and prepare for his funeral.

Dear Anonymous, you may believe that you have the right to choose your husband and when to marry, but you do not have the right to break your parents heart or mistreat them. Nothing in your life or afterlife will work out like that.

May God grant you guidance

 

[cat eyes]

Really sorry to hear that sis. May Allah be with you and help you through this. Ameen.

Has he got his visa yet? If not, DO NOT bring him over otherwise you'll be liable to get the english divorce too.

A friend of mine went through something similar a while ago.
You can private message me if you need any info.

Take Care sis.

where is she living? English divorce takes years. once you have done this marriage your pretty much trapped for a long time. by thee time you have finished the divorce. he will still get visa. it dose not matter.. you have went through with the marriage. thats the actual law here in europe, hes entilted to everything now and more then likely get a lawyer also and they will laugh you out of the court! just get islamic divorce thats more important. sorry to hear your situation

 

[glo]

If you are a British national you can turn to the Forced Marriage Unit for help:
http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/fco-in-action/nationals/forced-marriage-unit/forced-marriage

You can download their 'survivor's handbook' here.

I hope all goes well for you!

 

[MSalman]

may Allah save us all from these kinds of fitnah, ameen

sister, if the brother is religiously committed and has a good character then why would you want to leave him despite how the marriage was done? If this is not the case and he only seems to be interested in a foreign country's status then you should go ahead after consulting with a local imam.

and as brother Sampharo said, be kind and and gentle to your parents. Do not cut your ties with them

may Allah Ta'ala set your affairs and make things easier for you, ameen

 

[anonymous]

hey ... im living in america n actually i didnt even go with his papers in america so im considered single here but obviously married islamically to him. n some said i should stay with him.. i cant i tried over looking everything but the fact is that everytime i see him i remember wat my parents did to me .. i cant stand him.. n i just found out lately that when he was single all he asked for gurls who had papers so he can come to america and live in a 5 star hotel.. n for my parents i just need some alone time. when i cool down n when they realize wat they did to me then i ll be back to normal but if they keep seenin me in the wrong then i cant help em

 

[Humbler_359]

hey ... im living in america n actually i didnt even go with his papers in america so im considered single here but obviously married islamically to him. n some said i should stay with him.. i cant i tried over looking everything but the fact is that everytime i see him i remember wat my parents did to me .. i cant stand him.. n i just found out lately that when he was single all he asked for gurls who had papers so he can come to america and live in a 5 star hotel.. n for my parents i just need some alone time. when i cool down n when they realize wat they did to me then i ll be back to normal but if they keep seenin me in the wrong then i cant help em

sister,

Do you mind, I could say something? It is common in cultures that some parent do force marriages. I think, if you love someone else in which your parent dont approve it or pre-martial relationship, they probably concern about you and decide to take you to home country to get marriage (in order to save girl's values and expensive). I see you have attitude and disrespect like "what-ever", it is important for you to increase your Imaan and do please pray daily/read Qur'an that would improve your characters. Edit: You been here since Nov 2005?

Insha'Allah, you will find a right guy in your future instead force marriage. :statisfie Please remember, your parents are doing the best for their own sons/daughters, not blame them. Unfortunately it happened.

 

[anonymous]

sister,

Do you mind, I could say something? It is common in cultures that some parent do force marriages ( but does that give em the right to do it ) . I think, if you love someone else in which your parent dont approve it or pre-martial relationship, they probably concern about you and decide to take you to home country to get marriage (in order to save girl's values and expensive) i neverrrrrrrr everrrrrrrrrr been in a relationship or did anythin haram and they know it.. n i believe i do have the right to pick my future husband . I see you have attitude and disrespect like "what-ever", it is important for you to increase your Imaan and do please pray daily/read Qur'an that would improve your characters. Edit: You been here since Nov 2005? first of all thanks but i do and im trying to solve this problem that they have created the right way.. i understand that they r my parents n i would never disrespect them.. but im human im hurt still in shock cuz i mean if i did somethin then i will be like oh i deserve it. all im saying im stayin away and i will keep in touch with em. n no i havent this is an anonymous account and i havnt even made an account here but i dont get wats ur point behind that remark.

Insha'Allah, you will find a right guy in your future instead force marriage. :statisfie Please remember, your parents are doing the best for their own sons/daughters, not blame them. Unfortunately it happened.

thanks for everything and i understand salamz

 

[anonymous]

hey ... im living in america n actually i didnt even go with his papers in america so im considered single here but obviously married islamically to him. n some said i should stay with him.. i cant i tried over looking everything but the fact is that everytime i see him i remember wat my parents did to me .. i cant stand him.. n i just found out lately that when he was single all he asked for gurls who had papers so he can come to america and live in a 5 star hotel.. n for my parents i just need some alone time. when i cool down n when they realize wat they did to me then i ll be back to normal but if they keep seenin me in the wrong then i cant help em

you obviously do have an attitude issuse regardless. you obviously do have a language issue as well "pissed" and what not.

Yes, what your parents did is wrong, unacceptable. But try and see how ur husband is, really. These days, women have this certain standard of their spouse, if they find their dream one, nothing will happen, but infact something DOES happen and they resolve to divorce. this generation of young people can't have patience and what not.

If your husband is not willing to change or anything, then u should resort to divorce. But other than that, try and see. tell him, and stuff. resorting to such measures is not the best way. try to communicate with him.

You already have this mental understanding that you should hate him, hes bad, your parents did this. Your being prejudice towards him. What if, some guy from america did this to you? he said your probably a typical muslim hypocrite? Your married, YOU signed the paper. now try and see him, like what is he like? your not even giving him a chance. but whatever floats your boat miss.

also,if you want someone really handsome looking, then you might as well get a divorce and marry a guy who has awesome looks.

 

[Humbler_359]

thanks for everything and i understand salamz

you obviously do have an attitude issuse regardless. you obviously do have a language issue as well "pissed" and what not.

Yes, what your parents did is wrong, unacceptable. But try and see how ur husband is, really. These days, women have this certain standard of their spouse, if they find their dream one, nothing will happen, but infact something DOES happen and they resolve to divorce. this generation of young people can't have patience and what not.

If your husband is not willing to change or anything, then u should resort to divorce. But other than that, try and see. tell him, and stuff. resorting to such measures is not the best way. try to communicate with him.

You already have this mental understanding that you should hate him, hes bad, your parents did this. Your being prejudice towards him. What if, some guy from america did this to you? he said your probably a typical muslim hypocrite? Your married, YOU signed the paper. now try and see him, like what is he like? your not even giving him a chance. but whatever floats your boat miss.

also,if you want someone really handsome looking, then you might as well get a divorce and marry a guy who has awesome looks.

the remark is i don't understand fully on anonymous account, it means, every different person in typing post, correct? If yes, I got it. Thanks!

May Allah guide you to the straight path, hope you realize! :wa:

 

[mohammed_alim]

anonymous has a right to be annoyed wiv her parents. y cudnt her parents just communicate wiv her about gettin married instead of tricking her. i understand every 1 means well by sayin to obey ur parents. bt her parents did the rong by doing that. dnt break up ties wiv ur family but be patience and nice wiv ur parents even if they done rong. what parents TRICKS their daughter into marriage its just rong. if people understood islam properly then they wudnt do this bcos islam is against forced marriages.

 

[anonymous]

anonymous has a right to be annoyed wiv her parents. y cudnt her parents just communicate wiv her about gettin married instead of tricking her. i understand every 1 means well by sayin to obey ur parents. bt her parents did the rong by doing that. dnt break up ties wiv ur family but be patience and nice wiv ur parents even if they done rong. what parents TRICKS their daughter into marriage its just rong. if people understood islam properly then they wudnt do this bcos islam is against forced marriages.

Correct, she should be annoyed. However, she should have told them, this is "america... i can do whatever i want. leave me, i am over the age". She applied this very same line, when she got married. Why couldn't she have done this prior to marriage??? I don't understand that part at all.

There has to ba reason for her parents to do this so fast. I known a family where tehy did and the sister was or did commit zina. We don't know what this sister is, and how she is. So we can't conclude that she is innocent. However, her parents are AT FAULT, regardless. But now what is done it is. She should try to get to know him, and see. She has closed doors with a concept of him being this and that. Thats NOT ALLOWED in Islam. So she uses islam when it suits her?

If he is incompetent not willing to change, and etc. Then she should seek divorce. And talk to him via phone, internet and get to know him. I dont know give more time.

This could be approached from other veiws. but Allah knows.

I agree with humbler. May allah guide you and help you with this situation inshallah!

 

[cat eyes]

Correct, she should be annoyed. However, she should have told them, this is "america... i can do whatever i want. leave me, i am over the age". She applied this very same line, when she got married. Why couldn't she have done this prior to marriage??? I don't understand that part at all.

There has to ba reason for her parents to do this so fast. I known a family where tehy did and the sister was or did commit zina. We don't know what this sister is, and how she is. So we can't conclude that she is innocent. However, her parents are AT FAULT, regardless. But now what is done it is. She should try to get to know him, and see. She has closed doors with a concept of him being this and that. Thats NOT ALLOWED in Islam. So she uses islam when it suits her?

If he is incompetent not willing to change, and etc. Then she should seek divorce. And talk to him via phone, internet and get to know him. I dont know give more time.

This could be approached from other veiws. but Allah knows.

I agree with humbler. May allah guide you and help you with this situation inshallah!

she just said in her post her parents were afraid of leaving her there.

i don't see why she has to speak with her parents after this.

they did the most disgusting sin against islam!

how they can call themselves muslims, i will never know but this is just disgraceful

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I don't think children have to obey their parents in regard to whom to marry. There's a hadith in which a girl was married to someone without her consent. She went to the Prophet (SAW) to complain. He had the marriage annulled and then told her to marry whomever she wanted but she said that she had no problem with the marriage but wanted to acertain that girls had the right to say no to a marriage that they didn't want. So judging from this hadith, one can say that children don't have to obey their parents in issues of marriage. The Prophet (SAW) didn't tell the girl that she should obey her parents and give the man a chance etc. So if a girl doesn't want it, she can't be forced into living with someone she doesn't like. She shouldn't be told to obey her parents and marry the one her parents want imo.

And Allah knows best.

 

[Muhaba]

above post by me. Just checking to see whether anonymous account shows user's join date. It doesn't cuz i joined in March but above post says may. lol

 

[Tony]

your USA citizen and therefore protected by human rights, "The right to marry, or not". I understand theres a lot I dont understand on a cross cultural basis but you are protected by human rights and should look into it, may Allah guide you, Ameen.

 

[blazingflames17]

Well, this is all how you view it! There are probably many valid reasons as to why he didn't call you, give this guy a chance and a bit more time! And if he doesn't call, then forget him!!!!!!!! Move on and see if there is a better guy along the path!