The Trials of Conversion: Telling the Family

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Nur-ud-Dean

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Following discussion with Zwolney in another thread, we decided to try to compile some advice on how to deal with telling your family that you've converted to Islam. It doesn't have to be a list of rules: real personal experiences are probably more useful than anything.

So:

- what was your experience of this like?
- do you have any advice for Muslims in the same position?



For myself, although I agonised over telling my family, I needn't have done. They have accepted everything brilliantly. I realise that not everyone is as fortunate!
 
Number 1 Tip ---> Be Patient even when you parents might not be treating you well.... remember life is a series of tests..

May Allah make it easy for all those reverts.. Ameen
 
Nur-ud-Dean said:
Following discussion with Zwolney in another thread, we decided to try to compile some advice on how to deal with telling your family that you've converted to Islam. It doesn't have to be a list of rules: real personal experiences are probably more useful than anything.

So:

- what was your experience of this like?
- do you have any advice for Muslims in the same position?



For myself, although I agonised over telling my family, I needn't have done. They have accepted everything brilliantly. I realise that not everyone is as fortunate!
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:sl:
Well , i can just give some advice

First of all Pray to Allah and seek help from Allah.

Seconldy , i think the person itsself better know the reaction of their parents/family , so try to act as the same , like i donot know much about western countries but if they (parents/family) just donot say any thing then obvisily there will be no problem but if some body feel that the reaction of family was not good , then i will advice not to tell them immediately about you are now muslim , take some time , you will better know why they are not accepting you in Islam , might be there are some mis-conceptions about Islam , try to remove these mis-conceptions , you can just try to remove their misconceptions by just talking generally , like if they say any thing wrong just respond that like you have some muslim friend and he told you that this was totally wrong and same answers like these? tell your family that what they are thinking is wrong , and hopefully a time will come that inshahallah person will not face any problem.

Thats just my advice coming in my mind , might me it help you , might be not ?

I will pray to Allah to give hidayat to all of us.
 
I found tell my parents that I converted to Islam quite hard. I sometimes find talking to them quite hard so the esays thing was to write everything down in a letter so that I could explain everything that I belived in and what my life would entail. They were quite upset and kinder still are. 2 years on they still haven't excepted me for who I am and still trying to converting me back to Christanity.
 
The attitude that your mother is expressing towards you comes as no surprise. Your real battle is with the shaytaan, who is not pleased that you have become Muslim, and he does not wish you well. Undoubtedly he will make use of your relatives and whisper to your family, so that he can use them as a weapon against you and prevent them from joining you in the true faith. Do not grieve or despair; seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed shaytaan so that his plot against you may be foiled. Be kind and compassionate towards your mother, for if she tasted the sweetness of guidance, she would not stand in your way. Seek the help of Allaah in calling her to Islam, be sincere towards her and make a great deal of du’aa’ for her, asking for guidance and mercy for her. Perhaps your du’aa’ will coincide with a time when prayers are answered, and you will have the joy of seeing her become Muslim.

Remember that you are not alone in this matter. There are thousands of people whom Allaah has guided to the truth and who have chosen Islam willingly, out of conviction. Many of them have met with opposition and resistance from their families, then Allaah willed that their hearts should be opened, and the entire family has become Muslim. That will weigh in the balance of the son who was first guided. We ask Allaah to make you one of them and to grant you the joy of seeing your whole family become Muslim.

Remember that opposition from family members is a test for the Muslim, so that the sincerity of his Islam and the strength of his faith may be made manifest. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Alif‑Laam‑Meem.

[These letters are one of the miracles of the Qur’aan, and none but Allaah (Alone) knows their meanings.]

2. Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested.

3. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allaah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allaah knows all that before putting them to test)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:1-3]

Among these examples of righteous believers is the great Sahaabi Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) who used to honour his mother. When he became Muslim, his mother refused to eat or drink until he recanted his faith, but he refused to do so and remained steadfast in Islam. His mother found no benefit in her “hunger strike” so she went back to eating and drinking. It is narrated that he (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “O mother, you know by Allaah that if you had one hundred souls and each soul departed one by one, I would not give up this religion of mine for anything. If you wish, then eat, and if you wish, then do not eat.” So she ate.

See: Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 3/429

Fourthly:

The Qur’aan also deals with this problem, because it happened a great deal, especially in the first generation that left kufr behind and embraced Islam, and experienced intense hostility from their family, tribe and the closest of people to them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years - give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.

15. But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”

[Luqmaan 31:14-15]

There is no room for obeying parents in kufr, or for obeying them in sin, but this does not mean that one should not treat them with kindness and respect, and take care of them, and do one’s utmost to guide them. This is indicative of the greatness of Islam, for it is the religion of compassion and love. Hence it calls upon its followers to guide people and bring them into the blessing into which they have entered.

Fifthly:

The one who has chosen the path of guidance should not pay any attention to what other people say and he should not be surprised by it, because that is something to be expected. What else will the Christians say about you? Will they say, “You have been guided and found the truth and you show it preference over your family and relatives”? No, they will never say that! So do not pay any attention to what they say, whether they call you a traitor or anything else. Regard them with compassion and strive to guide them, and strive to learn so that you can become a daa’iyah who can save them from their misguidance and deviation.
he most important advice we can give you is to treat your mother and father, siblings and relatives, kindly and understand their feelings. Ask Allaah to guide them, and choose wise methods of calling them to Islam, such as kind words, gifts, visits, inviting them to visit the mosque, and giving them useful booklets and tapes.

We ask Allaah to take care of you and to help you to do all that is good.
 
I have been thinking about what to tell my family when I make the decision to convert..My parents are good people but they are very strong in the Christian faith and would see my conversion as rejecting everything they had every taught me....Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with very religious family members?
 
Hello Elizabeth. I have two things to say.

First, is that if you have already decided that you believe in Islam, then you should convert right away, as you have already converted in your heart. You do not have to tell anyone right away - you can delay that problem until you are ready.

Second, as your family are devout Christians I would emphasise just how much Islam has in common with Christianity. Here's a few points:

- Jesus is revered as a Prophet in Islam
- Islam is not a new religion, or presenting a different God. It is the same God who revealed the Torah, Bible etc, and the Qur'an is the last revelation.
- Mary is the only woman mentioned by name in the Qur'an
- You are not rejecting their religion; you are placing it in the context of the history of the world. Christianity was indeed a valid revelation according to Islam, it has been superseded.
- Emphasise that it is your faith in God and desire to follow Jesus' teachings that have led you to Islam.
- Islamic morals, manners and ideals have much in common with Christianity.


When you are ready, try to show them that all you are really trying to do is get closer to God (which, after all, is the essence of any religion). Your faith has led to Islam.

Hope that helps. I'd be happy to help further if I can.

Nur-ud-Dean

www.NewMuslimDhikr.co.uk
 
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Elisabeth
God has given u a great opportunity to convert and even guide u parents.It is through u good conduct and manners, u parents will be influenced by u and realise that islam is a blessing and a turning point in u life.Moreover, they will notice u change from good to better.

Firstly:

Hesitation about entering Islam is not something expected from a woman like you who can write in such an eloquent manner and has reason and wisdom with which to know right from wrong, rather you should be guiding others who are confused and lost.

You should realize that the Shaytaan is the one who is preventing you from making a firm decision to enter Islam; he is the one who is making you think that your entering Islam is not because of your own conviction and that you will never have peace of mind, and other thoughts that he is putting into your heart and mind, and making you hesitate to make the decision that will bring you happiness in this world and in the Hereafter.

Your becoming Muslim will be for the sake of Allaah, and the Muslim man is only the means that led to that. There is no shame on a man who becomes Muslim because of a woman who advises him sincerely and guides him, and there is no shame on a woman who becomes Muslim because of a man who advises her sincerely and guides her. There follows the unique story of a woman in Islam. She is one of the rare examples of this ummah (nation); think long and hard about her story:

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: Abu Talhah proposed marriage to Umm Sulaym, and she said: “By Allaah, O Abu Talhah, a man like you is not to be refused, but you are a kaafir man, and I am a Muslim woman, and it is not permissible for me to marry you. But if you become Muslim that will be my mahr (dowry), and I will not ask you for anything else.” So he became Muslim, and that was her mahr.

Thaabit – the student of Anas – said: I never heard of any woman who had a better mahr than Umm Sulaym, which was Islam [i.e., her husband becoming Muslim]. Then he consummated the marriage with her, and she bore him a child.

Narrated by al-Nasaa’i, 3341. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.

You should also note that as soon as faith enters the depths of your heart, you will realize that the whole world cannot be equal to living for one moment with this great blessing of Islam. Some people entered Islam for the sake of money, but they soon began to love Islam and to fight for its sake, sacrificing that which was most dear to them.

So you must strive within yourself and realize that the Shaytaan wants to prevent you from attaining happiness and following the religion of man's natural inclination and reason. You will be choosing the religion of Adam, Ibraaheem (Abraham), Moosa (Moses) and the Messiah (peace be upon them all), the religion of the natural inclination of man with which people were created. This universe has only one Lord, with no partner or associate. He is the One Who deserves to be worshipped alone, and our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was only sent with the same message as the Messengers who came before him. So be with those who follow the Prophets and Messengers and you will find happiness in this world and in the Hereafter.

Secondly:

Islam will never prevent you from meeting with your family, rather it will urge you to treat them even better than you did before, so that you will be a good example of a Muslim woman, and help them to embrace this religion. The people who most deserve to share this blessing with you are your family members.

Asma’ bint Abi Bakr al-Siddeeq said: My mother came to me when she was a mushrik at the time of Quraysh, at the time of the treaty with them (i.e. during the period when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had made a peace treaty with the people of Makkah not to fight for the duration). I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “O Messenger of Allaah, my mother has come and she needs my help, should I uphold ties of kinship with my mother?” He said, “Yes, uphold the ties of kinship with your mother.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari (and Muslim, 1003).

Here the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave permission for a Muslim to uphold the ties of kinship with his family who follow a religion other than Islam, even if those family members are calling him to forsake his religion and become a mushrik (one who worships others besides Allaah). Although Islam forbids him to respond to their call, it still commands him to treat them well and be kind to them.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.

But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly”

[Luqmaan 31:14-15]

Our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was keen to call his family to Islam, and he continued to visit them and call them; he visited his paternal uncle Abu Taalib when he was dying and invited him to Islam.

So there is nothing to prevent you visiting your family, but that should be in agreement with your husband, and you have to utilize these visits to call them to the truth and goodness, and help them to attain salvation.

What is haraam in these visits is free mixing of men and women, shaking hands with non-mahram men, and joining in their festivals. It is no secret to you that the rulings brought by Islam are in the best interests of people, both in this world and in the Hereafter. There is nothing wrong with exchanging gifts with them either, and that may be a means of softening their hearts and encouraging them to become Muslim, so long as the gifts are not given because of their festivals, especially the religious festivals. It is not permissible for you to accept or give gifts on those occasions, because that is helping them in their falsehood and approving of it.

See also question no. 1130.

And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
 
Firstly, just a small correction to bro Nur-ud-dean's post: Mary (peace be upon her) is not the only woman mentioned in the Qur'an. She's the only woman mentioned by her name.

Secondly, as he rightly points out, by becoming a Muslim, you are actually following the true teachings of Christ (peace be upon him). He never made pork lawful for his followers to eat, that was a later invention by someone's dream. he never told people to worship him nor did he say he was God.

You'll never find a Muslim saying as an exclamation "Jesus!". Muslims also say "peace be upon him" whenever his name is mentioned.

If you can Google on the net "Similarities between Christianity and Islam" (or might be the other way round )- a talk by Dr Zakir Naik, in video but a printed transcript may be available, he goes through various issues and then comes to the conclusion that, actually, Muslims are more Christian than the Christians themselves! All because they are following the unadulterated teachings of Christ. But he explains it in a nice, non-condescending and non-patronising way.

Having not been in the situation myself, I appreciate that you will have these concerns, but do take the advice of tresbien and Nur-ud-Dean and others.

Peace, and I hope you are learning lots. :)
 
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I printed out all this great help to prepare me to talk to my family, but also to show them so they may understand. (:

Insane Insaan, it is true what you say about Christians being so unlike Christ...I can only hope my parents will recognize this. Please make du'a for me that I may gain the courage.
 
Elizabeth said:
I printed out all this great help to prepare me to talk to my family, but also to show them so they may understand. (:

Insane Insaan, it is true what you say about Christians being so unlike Christ...I can only hope my parents will recognize this. Please make du'a for me that I may gain the courage.
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Peace Elizabeth,

InshaAllah I will make du'a for you :) (Alhamdulillah you know some of the terms maashaAllah!)

I was trying to find a transcript of the talk that I mentioned (Similarities between Islam and Christianity), on the net. I haven't found one so far, but found the following EXCELLENT link which gives commands that are common between the Qur'an and the Bible (such as abstaining from pork, alcohol, women covering themselves, prayers and washing before prayer, Jesus peace be upon him not being divine etc etc), which Muslims follow and Christians don't, and it gives you all the Biblical (and Qur'anic) references to back it up. The link is from Dr Zakir Naik's organisation's website.

http://www.irf.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=128&Itemid=146

The video of the talk is here:

http://www.archive.org/details/21_Similarities_Between_Islam_and_Christianity_truthwaytv

If you Google the title I gave you in this post, in speech marks, then add +mp3, you might be able to find audio of the talk without video.

With very best wishes for you, and lot's of du'aas that Allah makes everything easy for you. Ameen.
 
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Elizabeth said:
I printed out all this great help to prepare me to talk to my family, but also to show them so they may understand. (:

Insane Insaan, it is true what you say about Christians being so unlike Christ...I can only hope my parents will recognize this. Please make du'a for me that I may gain the courage.
Click to expand...

may God make it easy for you sister. U will stay in my prayers.

May God open their hearts to Islam as well.

Check this brothers n sisters

Abdullah Chapelle n 25 memebrs of family accept Islam.

He is the brother of Dave chapelle the famous american comedian who won the funniest man in america award in 2005 by TVguide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZapZMR5Cws
 
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:sl:

I always get the shivers when the people of the scriptures [i.e christians and jews] embrace Islaam. Everytime I see this, certain verses from the Qur'aan enter my mind, its how the early christians before them reacted to the truth.

And when they [Christians] hear what has been revealed to the apostle you will see their eyes overflowing with tears on account of the truth that they recognize; they say: Our Lord! we believe, so write us down with the witnesses (of truth).

And what (reason) have we that we should not believe in Allah and in the truth that has come to us, while we earnestly desire that our Lord should cause us to enter with the good people?

Therefore Allah rewarded them on account of what they said, with gardens in which rivers flow to abide in them; and this is the reward of those who do good (to others). [Chapter Maa-idah]


Say: Believe in it [i.e the Qur'aan] or believe not; surely those who are given the knowledge before it [Christians and Jews] fall down on their faces, making obeisance when it is recited to them.

And they say: Glory be to our Lord! most surely the promise of our Lord was to be fulfilled.

And they fall down on their faces weeping, and it adds to their humility. [Chapter Banee Israaeel]
 
Salam,
For the respect of my family I don't want to tell everything here that happened. But in short words it didn't go well, I feel guilty for them every day, they put up rules for me so far to not make others know I am a Muslim where they live (I don't live with them anymore since a few months) and they are trying to make me become a Christian again with many discussions and comments. My advice is to take it easy, to learn how to answer on their questions before they ask them and to show respect for them and not make any dramatic thing out of it. Just keep living your life and not go into discussions by free will if they find it hard, specially if they are believers themselves in some religion like my parents are. And another thing: Don't delay it that long time like I did! But at the same time, don't say it when you're not ready, take your time to learn and get ready and don't rush. But don't delay it because you're scared like I did, I was ready but not emotionally which didn't make the last time for me good at all until I told them.
Now alhamdulillah I can live my life with praying, fasting and wearing hijab. It's really not without complications when I meet my family and they don't accept it at all, but at least I don't have to hide it anymore alhamdulillah.
 
Masha'Allah sis, glad to hear that you can live your life the way you want to, fully embracing Islam and pleasing Allah (SWT) only! Your advice has helped me greatly.



My parents did not take it that well.. :hmm:
I pray they will see the light. Their hearts are stone but all I can do is live a good life and trust in my new path...SubhanAllah. The only thing that I am really upset about is the fact that I don't have a Muslim family and I'm scared my family won't want anything to do with me anymore. :cry:
 
Remember that their reaction is borne of concern for you and a lack of understanding. It will take time and patience from you for them to realise there is nothing to be concerned about, and to understand your decision. You will have to make the effort to educate them, so that they can at least understand your decision if not agree with it.
 
Elizabeth said:
Masha'Allah sis, glad to hear that you can live your life the way you want to, fully embracing Islam and pleasing Allah (SWT) only! Your advice has helped me greatly.



My parents did not take it that well.. :hmm:
I pray they will see the light. Their hearts are stone but all I can do is live a good life and trust in my new path...SubhanAllah. The only thing that I am really upset about is the fact that I don't have a Muslim family and I'm scared my family won't want anything to do with me anymore. :cry:
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I know what you mean, I was really scared for this too. And in one way it happened, they don't look at me or talk with me the same as before. They say they still love me but they don't show it then in the same way as before. I can't talk with them about everything, I can't discuss with them, they have suddenly become more religious Christians after they knew about my conversion and I am very worried for them. I pray that Allah (swt) will guide them, I really hope this... Inshallah it will go fine for you sister, and inshallah your family will find the truth too.
 
Elizabeth said:
My parents did not take it that well.. :hmm:
I pray they will see the light. Their hearts are stone but all I can do is live a good life and trust in my new path...SubhanAllah. The only thing that I am really upset about is the fact that I don't have a Muslim family and I'm scared my family won't want anything to do with me anymore. :cry:
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:sl:

I'm sorry to hear that sister. I guess it must be a shock for them - they must feel like you are going against everything they taught you. And media stereotyping of Muslims doesn't help. I know some people have said that if they'd told their parents that they were a drug addict they would probably have taken it better than they did hearing that they had become Muslim.

May Allah help you remain steadfast. Even if your parents don't accept it, still be gentle and nice with them, do your best if any suitable opportunities arise, at the same time if you can see that they are getting aggravated then drop the subject for a while and pick it up on a later occasion when they've calmed down a bit, as ideally you don't want them to push you away if possible. And of course, put your trust in Allah.

Is your Muslim co-worker a source of support? Or do you know if their are any Muslim sisters in your area for friendship and support? I guess that would be a starting point, if it's possible.

Regardless of if there are, we are all always here for you :statisfie

May Allah help you and ease everything for you. Ameen.

:sl:
 

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