In need of some advice and help. This may be long though.

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Assalamualaykum,

I have a family situation and do not know what to do. A few years back after my parent passed away I ran away from home because I couldn't stand the pressure my sister had put upon me. I am the youngest among 5 siblings. 3 of my other siblings had also passed away. That left me with my other sister.

Ever since my parent passed away I struggled a very difficult life. My sister got married. Every time when she had problems with her husband she would come back home and lashed it out on me. She never treated me nicely unless she wanted something(which is always money) There are times where I couldn't provide her with any because I couldn't even survive myself. She had left me with some of the debts to pay. I have to put on thick skin and borrow money from friends to settle her debts(though not all) Believe it or not I was never once introduced or invited to her husband's home nor was I officially invited to her wedding. Its as though she is ashamed of me. I never knew she was getting married until the very last minute. Never knew their family either. There are times where she would beat me and said that she has all the right to do so because she's my older sister. She had never done this when our parent were alive.

I must admit some days I would lose my temper and fight back(verbally) but then regretted it and ask for forgiveness. After all I am only human.

There were also times where she would talk bad about me to the neighbors and relatives and left them with a very bad impression about me. Soon after everyone began hating me. They would say I steal money from my sister(which I never did :(), accused me of being ungrateful and things I have never done. I feel very frustrated and stressed and decided to leave home for good. Life had been better for me ever since except I was left with this huge guilt til today of leaving home without any notice. I figured I must have upset my sister greatly. But also believe that running away is much better than retaliation.

Been 10 years now. Recently I stumble upon an old friend from a supermarket and she had told me that my sister was looking for me and ask if she could tell her where I was. But I told her not to. Is this wrong?

I know in Islam we are always told to forgive and sincerely speaking I hold no grudge against her. I just don't trust her enough to see her again. I'm afraid that when I agreed to see her again she she would ask me for "things". Should I refuse she and my other relatives would start bringing up about the past and make me feel guilty. Trust me I know my relatives and my sister very well. My sister certainly knows how to push the guilt button.

Though I have not seen her in 10 years, I have never failed to pray only the goods thing for her life from afar and ask god to forgive me for my sin.

I just wanted to know if it's a sin if I refuse to see her again? I sincerely wanted to avoid complications. imsad

Helpful advice are much appreciated.
 
:sl: sister

I am truly sorry to hear what you have gone through. imsad

Regardless of this though, we HAVE to maintain the ties of kinship in Islam. My fear is that by refusing to see her, that will count as cutting the ties of kinship.

You have to let her see you, maybe she might regret what she did, or perhaps you can lay it out from the outset that you cannot help her monetarily (if you can't) so that she doesn't expect anything.

I hope others will be able to advise you better than I have.

May Allah help you and ease your situation, solve your problems, give you strength and keep you steadfast. Ameen.

:sl:
 
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the believers are put through trials like. i hope your doing well on your own sister and i hope life has made you a stronger person.

you should re establish a relationship with her. by now your equppied to deal with anything she could throw at you right? and she knows that you can be bossed around, after all you ran away from her once before no?

perhaps Allah is giving you another chance, put an end to this void and trust Allah
 
:sl:
May Allah help you in your difficult times, from your thread you seem a very strong person. As for your sister, how hard it may seem you need to have some kind of relationship with you sister, may Allah help you.
:wa:
 
but (and correct me if i am wrong) connecting with her sister and supporting her sister should be an emotional aspect and shouldnt be about money. we are supposed to give if we can that doesnt mean take more burden then we can afford. (monotarily)
 
Insane Insaan said:
:sl: sister
:sl:
You have to let her see you, maybe she might regret what she did, or perhaps you can lay it out from the outset that you cannot help her monetarily (if you can't) so that she doesn't expect anything.

:sl:
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Thats the thing sister, I feel as though she want to see me because she think I am living a wealthy life. The friend I was mentioning I met earlier; her father had made a false statement telling my sister that I'm living a wealthy life now when the fact is I am not. I asked her why did her father made such statement she told me because her father is sick and tired of listening to negative stories about me so he made up something to make me look good or at least that's what he think. I don't feel good at all.I am a little disappointed though but did not express this to her(my friend). And that's how she(my sister) started asking for my contact details.

There is also another strong reason why I believe she want to see me but I'm a little reluctant to disclose this reason in public...I would share if there was a private room. Making it public makes me feel a little insecure.

I'm in complete dilemma. imsad

By the way thank you to all who responded...
 
:sl:

I've PM'd you, sis (sent you a personal message). You'll get in when next you log in.

:sl:
 
:salamext: ukhtee...

You don't have to see her if you feel you're not ready. I'm sure one day you want to see her...only the circumstances now...make you feel you're not ready.

InshaAllah one day you will meet her.

But if you see her...or she able to find you, you have to be strong. you can be nice and also strong not letting her bully you. I think she is a bit bully... Maybe because she has to put up with lots of responsibilities at the young age.

Just be nice to her...InshaAllah things are different now :).
 
:sl:

I feel very sorry for your losses and the problems you are facing today. However, you must remember that your sister is probably going through the same problems as you are. She may have married in order to support you as well. Granted, her backbiting, spreading bad rumors of you, and beating you is bad, but you have to remember that she is your sister.

Be assertive. Stand up for your rights and explain to your sister that you have many problems as well and would appreciate if she would recognize you as her little brother. She should respect you as much as you respect her. I believe that it was fine of you to run away (I honestly think that the break you've had was much needed) but I think that it's time for you to go back home to your sister and attempt to help her with your problems as well as resolve your own AND the ones between you two. Brothers and sisters should stick together, especially when they need support the most.

In no way am I justifying your sisters actions. I feel that her treatment of you is utterly despicable, but I keep on getting the feeling that you're not the only one facing problems. It seems like she may be getting pressure from her "husband" as well. Try to help her open up to you and share your feelings with her at the same time.

InshAllah Allah (SWT) will fix all of your problems (don't forget to make du'a!).

:wa:
 
jaz said:
Assalamualaykum,

I have a family situation and do not know what to do. A few years back after my parent passed away I ran away from home because I couldn't stand the pressure my sister had put upon me. I am the youngest among 5 siblings. 3 of my other siblings had also passed away. That left me with my other sister.

Ever since my parent passed away I struggled a very difficult life. My sister got married. Every time when she had problems with her husband she would come back home and lashed it out on me. She never treated me nicely unless she wanted something(which is always money) There are times where I couldn't provide her with any because I couldn't even survive myself. She had left me with some of the debts to pay. I have to put on thick skin and borrow money from friends to settle her debts(though not all) Believe it or not I was never once introduced or invited to her husband's home nor was I officially invited to her wedding. Its as though she is ashamed of me. I never knew she was getting married until the very last minute. Never knew their family either. There are times where she would beat me and said that she has all the right to do so because she's my older sister. She had never done this when our parent were alive.

I must admit some days I would lose my temper and fight back(verbally) but then regretted it and ask for forgiveness. After all I am only human.

There were also times where she would talk bad about me to the neighbors and relatives and left them with a very bad impression about me. Soon after everyone began hating me. They would say I steal money from my sister(which I never did :(), accused me of being ungrateful and things I have never done. I feel very frustrated and stressed and decided to leave home for good. Life had been better for me ever since except I was left with this huge guilt til today of leaving home without any notice. I figured I must have upset my sister greatly. But also believe that running away is much better than retaliation.

Been 10 years now. Recently I stumble upon an old friend from a supermarket and she had told me that my sister was looking for me and ask if she could tell her where I was. But I told her not to. Is this wrong?

I know in Islam we are always told to forgive and sincerely speaking I hold no grudge against her. I just don't trust her enough to see her again. I'm afraid that when I agreed to see her again she she would ask me for "things". Should I refuse she and my other relatives would start bringing up about the past and make me feel guilty. Trust me I know my relatives and my sister very well. My sister certainly knows how to push the guilt button.

Though I have not seen her in 10 years, I have never failed to pray only the goods thing for her life from afar and ask god to forgive me for my sin.

I just wanted to know if it's a sin if I refuse to see her again? I sincerely wanted to avoid complications. imsad

Helpful advice are much appreciated.
Click to expand...

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, My sister Islam tells us that we should maintain good relations with our siblings and that we should keep the ties of kinship strong.

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship" [Bukhari]

The young man went to attend the weekly hadith lecture of Sayyidna Abu Huraira, Radi-Allahu anhu but the routine opening announcement stopped him. “If anyone sitting here has severed any ties of kinship (qata-ur-rahim), he should leave.” He recalled that an aunt lived in the town with whom he had not been on speaking terms. The young man quietly left the gathering and went straight to his aunt’s home. He asked for forgiveness for his past behavior and sought rapprochement. When the aunt inquired about the reason for this change of heart, he narrated the entire incident. She accepted the apology but asked him to inquire from Abu Huraira, Radi-Allahu anhu, the reason for this unusual announcement. Why did he leave all the other major sins and focus only on this? What was so special about ties of kinship? Sayyidna Abu Huraira replied that he had heard from the Prophet that our deeds are presented to Allah every Thursday night and anyone who has severed family ties has all his good deeds rejected. He did not want any such person sitting in his gathering, which was held on the same night, for fear that it could deprive the entire gathering of blessings. Another hadith explains further the reason for this fear: “Allah’s mercy will not descend on people among whom there is one who severs ties of kinship.” [Baihaqi, Shuab Al-Iman]

Maintaining the bonds of kinship (silatur-rahim) indeed enjoys extraordinary importance in Islam. Conversely, severing the ties (qata-ur-rahim), is very high on the list of enormities. At two places in the Qur’an, Allah has cursed the one severing family ties.

“And those who break the covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives) and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home (i.e. Hell)” [Ar-Rad 13:25. See also Muhammad, 47:22-23].

A cursed person is one who is deprived of the mercy of Allah. It is an indication of this deprivation that this sin is punished in this world as well as in the Hereafter. “There is no sin more deserving of having punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world along with what He stores up for him in the next world than oppression and severing ties of family.” [Tirmidhi].

Another hadith highlights the high stakes involved here in a compelling way: “Rahim (family ties) is a word derived from Ar-Rahman (The Compassionate One) And Allah says: ‘I shall keep connection with him who maintains you and sever connection with him who severs you.’” [Bukhari]

However you should not mix with non mahrams from your sisters side. I would also advise you to see your sister under your own circumstances at first and then slowly build up your relationship.

I know you have been through a lot with your sister but it is 10 years on now and that is a long time to cut off relations with your sibling. You should repent to Allah and you should see her as soon as possible.

See her in your own circumstances at first and take it from there. Don't let her walk over you again and be firm. I also think you should open up with her about how you felt about the past and how she has treated you and that you will not tolerate that from here again if you were to stay in touch with each other.

Your a wiser person now than the past so be more firmer in that you will not be walked over again but whatever happens treat her good and speak to her in a nice manner and try to build up close relations with her for the pleasure of Allah.


It is also recommended for you to discuss this with a scholar as he will be able to give you better advice.

If you need any help or want to share anything else at all then please don't hesitate as we are here for you. Remember us in your dua's.

and Allah knows best
 
guess I haven't much choice but to see her...if it's not too much to ask from my fellow muslim brothers and sisters... please pray that things will be okay.

Again, thank you for those who took the time to read and spare some advice. I highly appreciates every advice given.

Jazakallah khair
 
:sl: sis,

InshaAllah I will pray for you and remember you in my du'aas. Du'aa is not too much to ask from anyone. May Allah make everything easy fro you, solve all your problems, give you stregth, and give you what's best in this world and the hereafter. Ameen.

:sl:
 
Hamza81 said:
If you need any help or want to share anything else at all then please don't hesitate as we are here for you. Remember us in your dua's.

and Allah knows best
Click to expand...
:sl:
InsyaAllah I will remember all of you in my duas. Thanks again for the great advice and reminder. Jazakallah khair.

I am currently trying to seek help from a scholar and also trying to find a middle person that could help me see my sister again. I pray that things will be better for us and hope that in her heart she'll forgive me...
 

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