Would you agree to move in together with your husband's family?

[S<Chowdhury]

Also i think for south asian women there isn't an issue with the whole shorts and tank tops, i've never seen a south asian women wear shorts and tank tops at home they usually wear a shalwar kameez.

 

[Asiyah3]

I can't imagine myself giving a kiss to my husband or actually even holding his hands in front of my in-laws. So how about showing affection etc. ?

 

[S<Chowdhury]

I can't imagine myself giving a kiss to my husband or actually even holding his hands in front of my in-laws. So how about showing affection etc. ?

The privacy of your own bedroom.....that could be your own private sphere which the family could respect and usually do. Put a TV in the room and if it has en-suite great won't even need to leave the room ;D

 

[CosmicPathos]

First of all, its unislamic to kiss your husband public or non-mehrams. Does not matter whether they are in-laws or your girl friends. So I do not know why you specifically targeted inlaws and not others.

Yes, its a part of South Asian values and etiquette and I think it is something that I find unique and am proud of it. Some siblings settle overseas and then you get the whole house to yourself and parents, privacy and personal space seems to be non-issue.

Moreover, back home in Punjab, the radius of personal space is considerably smaller than the radius of personal space in the West, especially due to the concept of personal autonomy, democracy and personal privacy.

That is why I can eat in front of my friend in the West without offering him anything and I am being perfectly moral. Back home, its immoral and inappropriate to eat in front of someone and not ask them to share with you. Its a matter of values and ethics which differ from one place to another.

And this is the area where I find Islam pretty silent. What values and ethics should be considered Islamic and what unIslamic. A Muslim raised in the West or living in the West will find it perfectly Islamic not to offer his/her snack to his friend while one back home finds it being displeasing to Allah to not share with his/her friends. At least that has been my experience of conflicting "Islamic values" while living with the Eastern and the Western Muslims. Finding the true path among such cobwebs of opinions and conditions is truly a daunting task.

And that is why some Muslims get strayed and realize that one true path does not exist.

 

[CosmicPathos]

doubtle post.

 

[Asiyah3]

First of all, its unislamic to kiss your husband public or non-mehrams. Does not matter whether they are in-laws or your girl friends. So I do not know why you specifically targeted inlaws and not others.

Umm... Maybe because I won't be living under the same roof with my girl friends? If that were to happen then they'll be my next target I guess

why you specifically targeted inlaws

I'd love and respect my in-laws greatly and I strongly admire women who take care of themso no attacking

Yes, its a part of South Asian values and etiquette and I think it is something that I find unique and am proud of it. Some siblings settle overseas and then you get the whole house to yourself and parents, privacy and personal space seems to be non-issue.

May I ask one question.. do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family?

That is why I can eat in front of my friend in the West without offering him anything and I am being perfectly moral. Back home, its immoral and inappropriate to eat in front of someone and not ask them to share with you. Its a matter of values and ethics which differ from one place to another.

Good point.

 

[جوري]

well in the sister's defense it can be assumed that she is speaking in the privacy of one's home (not in the park of in front of 'girlfriends'.. you have even less of a chance to be affectionate with your significant other when you are limited to the bedroom where most assuredly folks will come knocking on your door and you always have to live under that looming threat of someone coming in or annoying you in the middle of your 'popcorn and movie' and what if you are having an off day or having less than an ideal day with your spouse, does everyone in the house have to know of it? Honestly I can't think of a worst nightmare.. even now with my sweet parents I can't take comfort in sobbing in my pillow lest I be subjected to a million question when one of them comes a knocking...

we are not created to be in each other's personal space all the time and frankly I don't see why having ones own place detracts from visiting or loving ones parents? surely even they deserve a break from the noise and kids etc.

I can't wrap my mind around that very bizarre practice and it is odd to me to see anyone speak about it with pride.. is it even Islamic to bring your wife to live with your family?
I mean no one who practices this offense but I am not sure how many women in the 'real world' would be accepting of something like this..

 

[CosmicPathos]

well in the sister's defense it can be assumed that she is speaking in the privacy of one's home (not in the park of in front of 'girlfriends'.. you have even less of a chance to be affectionate with your significant other when you are limited to the bedroom where most assuredly folks will come knocking on your door and you always have to live under that looming threat of someone coming in or annoying you in the middle of your 'popcorn and movie' and what if you are having an off day or having less than an ideal day with your spouse, does everyone in the house have to know of it? Honestly I can't think of a worst nightmare.. even now with my sweet parents I can't take comfort in sobbing in my pillow lest I be subjected to a million question when one of them comes a knocking...

we are not created to be in each other's personal space all the time and frankly I don't see why having ones own place detracts from visiting or loving ones parents? surely even they deserve a break from the noise and kids etc.

I can't wrap my mind around that very bizarre practice and it is odd to me to see anyone speak about it with pride.. is it even Islamic to bring your wife to live with your family?
I mean no one who practices this offense but I am not sure how many women in the 'real world' would be accepting of something like this..

I think most Pakistani women living in pakistan accept it. THey have a whole tradition called "rukhsati" in wedding ceremony, which symbolizes her leaving her parent's house and going to her new house, that of her husband and his family. Thats why you see wife's parents crying in that ceremony as it symbolizes her leaving the house.

Not that I agree with this wedding tradition. It is something shared by South Asian Muslims, Sikhs and Hindus. Most Pakistani Muslims would not want to NOT follow this tradition and they find marriage in mosque bizarre.

As a counter point, many Muslims back home find many practices of Western Muslims bizarre. At least when I last visited Saudi Arabia, my same friends found me liberal and in my Islamic practices and "Western minded" while I thought that I had become more religious while living in the West.

 

[Cabdullahi]

i wouldn't like my wife to move into my family house i have lots of sisters and there might be friction and i can't be arsed to take cover under the bed all the time when things kick off

 

[CosmicPathos]

i wouldn't like my wife to move into my family house i have lots of sisters and there might be friction and i can't be arsed to take cover under the bed all the time when things kick off

yes thats a very practical questioning. But have you talked to your parents about it? What are their opinions?

My mom started crying when I told her that I do not have the Islamic responsibility to live with her when I get married and I will buy a separate house for myself and wife .... of course I was trying to understand how she interprets Islamic injunctions about this and did not mean that. Then she asked me with tear-filled eyes "would you really do that and leave me in old age when I need you the most?" I answered ;D "no, ya ummi."

 

[Asiyah3]

JazakialLahu khairan sis Skye for explaining:statisfie Love you for the sake of Allah <3

My question please... Do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family (I mean including the husband's brothers if he has one)?

 

[CosmicPathos]

JazakialLahu khairan sis Skye for explaining:statisfie Love you for the sake of Allah <3

My question please... Do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family?

it depends.

If the house is big and the son lives with his parents and "rest of the family," the wives stay with them. Of course they get a separate room etc. But more or less, kitchen is shared. Food is eaten together at the same time on the same table etc. Everyone is aware of what's going in their lives, like where is the son doing work or how many marks did the grandson get in exam or how many schools he got rejection from ... I kinda find this unislamic because I did not want even my parents to know how I did on exams but my dad always asserted that he has the right to know everything about me and he said that disobeying him in like lying to him about my marks in school etc is against Quran. But Allhamdulillah, I never had to lie to him through my university except back in time maybe when I got 37% on math exam in grade 6

I think there has to be some privacy but I guess too hard to get rid of our Hindu background which has been as long as 2000 years.

 

[Cabdullahi]

yes thats a very practical questioning. But have you talked to your parents about it? What are their opinions?

My mom started crying when I told her that I do not have the Islamic responsibility to live with her when I get married and I will buy a separate house for myself and wife .... of course I was trying to understand how she interprets Islamic injunctions about this and did not mean that. Then she asked me with tear-filled eyes "would you really do that?" I answered ;D "no, ya ummi."

I can't bring the lady to a cagey 6 by 4 bedroom that has a smelly mattress, grey walls and is close by to the other rooms its going to be tough she'll escape after fajr prayer through the window like its the state penitentiary :skeleton:

that's how council houses are like but alhamdulilah!!

......Im not sure about you though the houses in the us are supposed to be spacious innit.

 

[Asiyah3]

it depends.

If the house is big and the son lives with his parents and "rest of the family," the wives stay with them. Of course they get a separate room etc. But more or less, kitchen is shared. Food is eaten together at the same time etc.

It would be very troublesome if the husband has brothers. In addition to all the privacy and dependency issues, the wife can't wear perfume, has to cover herself, not talk softy etc. etc. in her own house! May Allah reward the wife who puts up with all these.

It was narrated from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law?” He said: “The in-law is death.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172.

 

[Asiyah3]

.................(double-post)

 

[S<Chowdhury]

It would be very troublesome if the husband has brothers. In addition to all the privacy and dependency issues, the wife can't wear perfume, has to cover herself, not talk softy etc. etc. in her own house! May Allah reward the wife who puts up with all these.

Why do you need to use perfume when your home? what is the need of shouting in the house? Its very difficult to explain since your not from the same cultural heritage but sister if we look beyond these small issues, having family around you can be a very positive thing.

 

[CosmicPathos]

It would be very troublesome if the husband has brothers. In addition to all the privacy and dependency issues, the wife can't wear perfume, has to cover herself, not talk softy etc. etc. in her own house! May Allah reward the wife who puts up with all these.

It was narrated from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law?” He said: “The in-law is death.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172.

Actually, religious pakistani women always done dupatta (chadar) on their bosoms and heads in house. Its their dress and they dont find it bothersome compared to some lets say some Western Muslimah whose dress itself is unislamic without the additional hijab/burka/coat. Thats how our culture is. We do not dress inappropriately within the house as well. So those wives fulfill the Islamic needs of hijab in front of husband's brothers with relative ease.

Ive seen in Saudi Araba that Saudi women dress very liberally within the confines of their houses. I guess that's the whole point of having one's own house in the first place? Gotta respect both (arab and desi) opinions I guess.

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

Very good question. Many a divorce has happened on account of the issue of living with the parents or not. Personally, it would depend. It would depend on the amount of space, circumstances as well as financial and family structure.

If the house is extremely cramped and there are already other married siblings living there with their spouses, I would prefer to live in an apartment or house nearby with my husband or, move into a different place with the parents that has more space.

Instances where I would deff live with my spouses parents:
1. They have no other children
2. My husband is the only one of the children who is taking care of them
3. They prefer this particular child out of the rest to stay with for various reasons
4. They respect me as a human being (and I of course respect them)


It is a difficult situation that often takes some adjustment. However, I think there is a perpetual stereotype that all mother in laws are evil etc, when in fact many I have met are most accommodating to their new daughter in laws. Where issues arise is when one of the two disrespects the other. So many times I have witnessed daughter in laws treating their mother in laws like a burden. Very sad to see that. Many daughter in laws do not realize the immense benefits of befriending their mother in laws and developing a very strong bond with them. Not only will your relationship with your husband benefit greatly, but your experience in the household. Later when children come into the picture, your mother in law will be more likely to baby sit when you need to run errands or have alone time with hubby. If you constantly bicker and disrespect your mother in law she wont be as likely to help. Not only that, but after children come into the picture, they mimic their parents. If their mother has a bad relationship with the mother in law and in turn her husband as a result, it wont set a good example for the children now will it?

On the other end there are mother in laws who are difficult. The best thing to do in those situations is to find out why she is behaving that way. Could it be that she feels replaced? A son is very near and dear to a womans heart, and when she has to share the spotlight it can be difficult especially if the newbie decides she is going to hog the spotlight. Sometimes mother in laws are difficult because well, its that particular persons personality. That is when you observe them and learn the things that aggravate them and the things that please them. Eventually she will see the immense effort you are making and soften.

As for father in laws, same thing for the most part. Respect, respect, respect and more respect. He is the patriarch. He is the boss in some aspects and he is an elder. As a daughter in law, you must always treat him with deference and kindness. The older people get the more difficult they can be, and a lot of times it is unintentional. Imagine the frustration people feel when they get older and cant do the same things they did when they were young, dont have the same strength, cant eat the same foods, it can be especially trying to those who lived active lifestyles. They also feel neglected. That is often a reason why parents can be difficult with new people entering the family as well as young people ignoring them because they are old. As a daughter in law, you have to make sure they dont feel neglect, but love and care. While everyone else might ignore the mother in law at a family event, you have to take special care in making sure she is comfortable and enjoying her time. That she is not hungry nor thirsty. These small gestures, of asking her if she needs anything, go so far. The heart softens with each one of them.


These days many women aspire to be "independent" and whatever else people use to pretty much say they want to live the way they want. While it may be appealing to be Miss Independent, if you are entering into a large or even small family where the in laws will be in your life, it will be hard work and you have to be willing to do it if you want your marriage to work and for it to be a healthy marriage.

 

[Asiyah3]

Why do you need to use perfume when your home?

To please my lovely hubby (=money :shade: ) :statisfie

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who, when he looks at her he feels happy, when he tells her to do something she obeys him, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth.” Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1838).

what is the need of shouting in the house?

None. I didn't mean shouting of course, but not speaking softly.

“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”

[al-Ahzaab 33:32]

Its very difficult to explain since your not from the same cultural heritage but sister if we look beyond these small issues, having family around you can be a very positive thing.

You know I can't argue this

 

[Muslim Woman]

.. do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family?

.

If the house is big i.e has seperate rooms for the married couples , then in Bangladesh still sons remain with parert after marriage. And Of Course it depends if the wife can adjust with the family members .

Sometimes wives of two brothers start to hate each other so much ( over the control of family's matters ) that it ruins the whole atmostphere. Sometimes brothers don't talk to each other or even with nephews/ nieces because of this fear that how wife will react to see husband is talking to her ' opponents ' .

A proverb here says : brothers are so close as they have blood relations . They only seperate because of women.

I pray that we all will be more conscios about family values and will think about death more freequently . May be then we will spend more time to do good deeds and won't be a part of family crisis.