Seeking advice on becoming someone's second wife

[Asiyah3]

How you would feel?

I apologize sister, while I was writing that post I saw some people starting a fight so I had to go quick and didn't have the time to finish it. I'll edit & finish it.

But to answer your question, I'm not married, but I don't think I would object with my husband having a second wife. I wouldn't feel offended about this at all and I prefer honesty.

On the other hand if my husband were to try to get to know, befriend, visit her house and generally hang out with a non-mahram woman without any reason then I would feel hurt... I wouldn't mind the second wife, but I would mind the relationship starting in a haram way.

 

[sister herb]

Thanks sister about your answer. I too was a little offended when I asked. I just was thinking I can answer to original question as I have been second wife. So I know what it is in life. I don´t say everyones takes it like I. I hadn´t mahram when I met him but Allah is Almighty I hope. We spend marriage life 6 years together and I never felt he does anything wrong those times he spent with his first wife. During our marriage his first wife get baby with him and to me it was like my child too.

I really miss those years and hope to meet him again in Jannah.

 

[sangu]

How would you feel if your husband or moreover your father would befriend a non-mahram woman, lunch with her and visit her home etc. ? My point isn't to sound judgmental but Islam doesn't encourage intermixing or being alone with the opposite gender - and men should lower their gazes.

Offer istikhaarah sis. As others have stated islam permits marriage up to four wives providing the husband has to treat his wives justly.

I wish you the best
May Allah grant you the best in this life and the Aakhirah.

Jazakallah sister,

That's what I think would be the right way of knowing Allah's wish. I have started offering istikhara prayer since last night. Although I have not received any response but I will continue till I get the sign.

 

[islamirama]

Jazakallah sister,

That's what I think would be the right way of knowing Allah's wish. I have started offering istikhara prayer since last night. Although I have not received any response but I will continue till I get the sign.

Don't go looking for some special sign in a dream...

Many people think that following istikhaarah there has to be a dream or a feeling of ease in the heart, and so on, but that is not the case. Even if no such thing happens when a person has prayed istikhaarah and done his best to find out what is best for him, such as consulting people, examining the issue and asking those who have experience, then he goes ahead and does it, then it is hoped that this will be what is best for him, even if he does not feel at ease in his heart in the beginning. Even if we assume that he does not succeed in this matter that he goes ahead with after praying istikhaarah, it may be good for him even if he does not know it, but his Lord knows, may He be exalted.



Ibn al-Haaj al-Maaliki said:
Some of them pray istikhaarah as prescribed in sharee’ah and then wait until they see a dream from which they will decide whether they should go ahead and do whatever they prayed istikhaarah about or not, or until someone else sees a dream for them. This does not count for anything, because the infallible one (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told us to pray istikhaarah and consult others, not to rely on what is seen in dreams. End quote



Al-Madkhal, 4/37

If we assume that the interpretation of the dream suggests something good, good dreams are no more than hints, but they cannot be relied on. Rather you should try to find out and ask about the one who has proposed marriage, make sure whether he is religiously committed and of good character, and other things that you should find out about him. If you are certain of these matters then the good dream is no more than a message to be of good cheer when proceeding.


​

We ask Allaah to make goodness easy for you, and to bless you.



And Allaah knows best.


Islamqa.com/en/ref/72255

 

[sangu]

Allaaaah!!!!!!!!!

I think none of you have read my original post properly or I have failed to explain.

First of all, we never go out often. We had gone out just 3-4 times and that too because I insisted him because first, I don't have any vehicle, secondly the area where I wanted to go for some assignment was unknown to me. No public transport bus would take me there and I can't afford 100 plus bucks for to and fro journey through a private taxi/three wheeler. It’s not that we have lunch together out in restaurant. We have lunch together at work in our lunch breaks. Some other staff members also join us sometimes. For your information, we live in same area. My house falls first while going home from office and then his house is located at about 1 km. But he never drops me at home even though we finish the shift at the same time. This proves that he helps me only when I need his help. He is not a flirt kind of person. At times he even refuses to go with me saying that he has to go out with his wife or he has to go somewhere else. If it would be someone else, he would just find chances to go out with me and would never say no.

"mixing with non mehram is haraam" ok I agree, believe and respect Allah’s law. Some sisters say I should stop interacting with married man and stop thinking about marrying him as I would find other prospective men. Does that mean that it’s fine to interact with unmarried/divorced/widower? I am still not clear here that whether interacting/mixing with a married man is sin or with any of these three types of persons is sin or for all. Forget about this man, if I find any of these three type of persons from within my staff itself and even I also take interest in him, then also we will have to interact with each other to know and understand each other (ofcourse by remaining within our office premises and not going out) before we proceed further in direction of marriage and get our parents involved. So the point here is, if I don’t interact with some prospective person, then how would I know if that person is suitable to me or not? However, there are many unmarried Muslim bachelors of my age in our company. Some are committing adultery with married/unmarried females of our company. Some are involved in love affair with someone including with non-muslim females. In that sense, comparatively, this man is far better than those. I have mentioned in my original post that I did receive proposals but none of those worked due to one or other reasons (please see my original post for exact reason). No what would you sisters say about such man who wanted to marry me with conditions? Do you think that men would line up to marry a divorced lady with child like me? Is it that easy to get loads of proposals like a virgin unmarried girl?

I am also been asked “why he did not propose you earlier? He should have met your parents and talk about marrying you”. Sisters, why should he propose me when he never showed any interest in marrying me? He is just helping me when I want him. I am not even sure whether he would accept my proposal or not. He comes to my house just to make my parents realize that we have professional but friendly relations so that when they learn from outside that I have an “Affair” with someone at work, they would know who that person is and what kind of relations I have with him and they would not get shocked. And even if he or someone at my work place has desire in marrying me, then he would obviously know my opinion first and if I agree to marry him/xyz, then only the parents intervene.

Some sisters say he is trying to impress me by not asking for sexual favours in beginning. Sisters, why do we women doubt on neeya’h of men only. Are we women also not at fault? What would you say if I would have asked for sexual favours to him? (which I would never do) I agree to sister Sampharo when she says that there are lots of Muslim females who commit adultery even with non-Muslim men. And, I am also a matured lady. I can judge man’s neeya’h from his eyes, speech and action. While talking to me, this man hardly looks into my eyes. He is the one who made me wear Islamic outfit from jeans and Tees. He and his wife (she wears hijab) made me wear hijaab. I am the only Muslim lady who proudly wears hijaab at work. How can I doubt on his neeya’h when he himself got me a proposal for marriage from some one known to him, but somehow it did not work. His wife told me that he had asked her to think about my match with her brother. But she told me that her parents are looking for unmarried virgin girl for her brother. And this man he is still trying to get good matches for me.

Anyway, some sisters have advised me to offer istikhara and seek Allah’s opinion which I have started since last night. Although I haven’t got any response but I will continue till I get signal from Allah.

Jazakallah once again to all my sisters.

 

[sister herb]

I would like to ask how many of you others have had or have been about been second wife. Tell to sangu if your informatiom is from somthing you have read.

:embarrass I know what it is in life.

 

[sangu]

ASAK all my sisters!

I got response for istakhara. I had read someowhere that seeing anything White or Greeen in dream is positive sign. I saw in my dream this man walking in garden clad in white cloths. Does this mean a positive sign? If yes, then should I proceed further in proposing him?

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

I see that you're excited about the dream, sister. Sorry to say this but you should be knowing that describing about your dream publicly is not good...however I'm happy that you had a dream though I dont know whether green or white in it is a good sign. Also I wont ask you to go ahead or wait for some more signs. Ask Imam or Sheikh at your local mosque, I know this is a bit awkward for a woman to go to mosque and ask Imam something, you know, India...

 

[sangu]

I see that you're excited about the dream, sister. Sorry to say this but you should be knowing that describing about your dream publicly is not good...however I'm happy that you had a dream though I dont know whether green or white in it is a good sign. Also I wont ask you to go ahead or wait for some more signs. Ask Imam or Sheikh at your local mosque, I know this is a bit awkward for a woman to go to mosque and ask Imam something, you know, India...

Jazakallah for your advice bother,

I know one should not disclose his/her dreams in public, but it was very much needed here to explain what I saw exactly, otherwise I am sure the next question someone would ask would be, "What exactly you saw in dream after offering istikhara prayer?".

 

[revert2007]

do istkharoh and leave ur faith to Allah and not to us.

 

[innocent]

I hope Allah helps you in making the right decision sister.

 

[tigerkhan]

i had only read ur the post not any replies....so i just want to add......never made the base of any marrige, the finance.....even in islam its siad that better is both girl and boy should be of same/comparable financial status but if u make this base....this will be very weak base as situation and conditions never remain same........
i think ur from pakistan so in urdu...
agar marry hi ka irada ha to decide this first, i have to go even jesy bi halaat hon...bcz agar u had in mind that he will be in v.gud financial position soon, so my life will be happy....if this not the situation....then....agar wo bi Allah na karay kisi bemari ka shikar ho gya tu ??? i hope u got...i only want to say i think marrige is a soure to fullfill ur spritual needs also, not only physical needs....hum to dosti ma bi kehty han friend in need is friend indeed.... so i think wife/hubby to ap ka best friend hona chahey...
agar mery koi baat ghalat lagi ti maaf karna...Allah SWT ap ko dunai of Ahhraat donon ki bht bht Khusian day.Ameen.
JZK
:wa:

 

[sangu]

do istkharoh and leave ur faith to Allah and not to us.

I got response for istakhara. I had read someowhere that seeing anything White or Greeen in dream is positive sign. I saw in my dream this man walking in garden clad in white cloths. Does this mean a positive sign? If yes, then should I proceed further in proposing him?