Friendship/Bf Problems

[anonymous]

Salam everyone

I need some advice about some friendship problems that I am going through now..

I have a very close circle of friends of nine girls (we've known each other for 7 years now!). They're not all practising, but alhamdullilah, they are very respectful, kind, considerate friends. Recently, we all found out that one of our friends (who is part of the group) has a boyfriend and has kept it secret for 3 months.. We just found out last week.

We're all so shocked, and we can't believe it - I've always told them that boyfriends are haram etc. and they know.. However, what the rest of the girls in the group are saying is that what hurts the most is that the girl with the boyfriend lied to the rest of us about where she's going, what she's doing and sometimes left us to go see him.. (and that they don't mind her having a bf)
I made it clear that for me, the bigger part that hurts me is to see one of my very close friends committing sin.

I spoke to the girl today, and I don't know where our friendship stands. I know the rest of the girls in the group do not want to remain close friends with her, but rather just a classmate. Thats how I felt first, now Im not so sure..

Alhamdullilah, Im practising, and I always try and help get my friends more into Islam (not forcing or continuously preaching though!) The thing is the girls with the bf had one a year ago (and the exact same thing happened with us finding out and her saying sorry)

She's so regretful for keeping everything quiet and knows shes lost her friends through not telling us about this and through the lies..

I don't know what to do, I told her, before being scared of telling me, were you not scared of committing sin infront of Allah, how will you answer Him.

When I met her today, she was in tears, apologizing for everything, but she still (well thats how I understand it) wants to contiue her relationship with her bf, but wants our friendship to remain strong still. She used to be much closer to me, and she has gone through alot of family problems where I've been there to help, which is why she has nearly given up on the rest but is still trying to regain her friendship with me..

I had so much hope for this girl - I prayed to Allah to guide us all, esp. her on the straight path etc.. I don't know what to so anymore

What do I do? Bearing in mind that she won't stop seeing her bf even if our friendship remains, and the saying of the Prophet (SAW) about choosing good friends..

Thank you in advance for you help.
Your sister in Islam

 

[Iam#1]

hey
when you love or like someone you are surly going to have problems with him or her whyy??? because you care for them and you care to tell them that they are doing something wrong just to correct them and all this because you care for them
the thing about that she lied to you people just forgive and forget and never repeat that in fornt of her as u mentioned that she's been thorugh family problems etc and you have supported her
can you think whyyyy is she getting involed in a guy ???? because he is taking care of her or giving her attention which she didn't get during her family problems or whatever and guys do show care and attention
so what you can and your friends can do is to forgive and forget come on ALLAH ALMIGHTY is great and even HE forgives who are you people who cannot forgive what if for one of your lies you are not forgiven . think about it ask all your friends to forgive her
and start giving her extra attention and care talk to her and make her feel special so that the one guy she thinks makes her feel special is nothing in front of you all give her attention make the the center of everything you people go out make her the first one to choose where to go and what to do you people thorugh up party make her the first one to know it all of you talk to her privatly and share a small secret even though the whole gruop knows it but show it to her that she is special surely 1 guy is going to loose don't tell her to leave him she will leave him herself when she sees she has all from you guys and very less from him
all that sparkles isn't gold but give her time to know what is real gold and what is just a sparkle
forgive her and please give her the extra care and attention she needs pleasee she needs that and the guy is giving it to her by talking about her hair and blah blah just be good friends and help her out and tell her that its ok if she has a bf but ask her not to trust him so that she will have it in her mind and sooner or later INSHALLAH she will find the right path with the help of you people
PROPHET (SAW) did say that choose good friends but dear you've already choosen a good friend now she needs help she is on a wrong path according to you so as a friend now is the time to guide her remmber you have already choosen a good friend
take care
may ALLAH ALMIGHTY bless everyone and you all remain good friends forever and you are a good friend MASHALLAH

 

[Alpha Dude]

Great advice. Your friends are being nothing but drama queens. What's done is done. She doesn't need to tell you guys. In fact, exposing one's sins is haraam, so she's done nothing wrong in that respect.

Does she even plan on getting married? Advise her to think of the marriage option if she isn't considering it. Nobody wants her to be in a haram relationship, but it's very hard to see clearly when they're in love. So keep advising her toward good and don't feel like you've been hard done by.

Give all your silly friends who feel upset a slap while you're at it. <_<

 

[anonymous]

Thank you sooo much for your replies. Jazakumullah Khairan, may Allah reward you.

I have taken your advice. We are all going to seperated this year, as we're all off to different Uni's. I'm just a bit worried that we won't give her that much more attention she needs and she will stay with her bf for a very long time? What do you think? Shall I still try my best, but advise her every now and then about her bf?

Initially, I thought I should take a walk with her, to get us talking again like we used to, and then I'd talk to her about why she has a bf, and thats its clearly haram so it would be best if she leaves him for the sake of Allah?

But now, I think I shouldn't do that?

Jazakumullahukhairan

 

[anonymous]

She is not considering marriage at all - I know that for sure...
She just wants a relationship with the boy..

 

[Alpha Dude]

Initially, I thought I should take a walk with her, to get us talking again like we used to, and then I'd talk to her about why she has a bf, and thats its clearly haram so it would be best if she leaves him for the sake of Allah?

But now, I think I shouldn't do that?

I don't see why not. Make dua for her guidance and be frank with her whenever you see her. Talk to her, don't preach. Nobody is likely to take the advice of people who preach and act all in your face. Use tact, show concern and make her feel guilty every time you see her.

 

[anonymous]

I don't see why not. Make dua for her guidance and be frank with her whenever you see her. Talk to her, don't preach. Nobody is likely to take the advice of people who preach and act all in your face. Use tact, show concern and make her feel guilty every time you see her.

Jazak Allahu khairan for your reply..

I will do so - she's just advertised her relationship on fb, by changing her relationship status to 'ina relationship with ____ '

What do I do?! This is getting worse! She probably did that so no one comes to her/ sees her and questions her about him? (If she hasn't told them about him or if they seem them together..)

 

[Alpha Dude]

The thing is the girls with the bf had one a year ago (and the exact same thing happened with us finding out and her saying sorry)

You mean this same girl had a bf a year ago and now she has another?

Does she pray salah? If not, she has a bigger problem on her hand and this bf thing is just a symptom of a larger iman related problem.

Perhaps send her this link. InshaAllah it'll help. Send it to all your friends via email and include the names in the send to box so she doesn't feel you're aiming it at her specifically.

 

[Masuma]

Asalamu Alikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh!

Having a gf, bf relationship is totally haram in Islam. I think you should give her small lectures about it. Try to be polite and strong in your argument. Share with her texts describing Allah's power and majesty. Maybe then fear of Allah would stop her from doing that. InshAllah Allah will guide her. If she doesn't stop, then tell her parents. I know this would sound bad and she would call you many6 things, like "your so cruel" or "how could you do it to me, your friend", but believe me, if you really love your friend, try to save her "akhirah". (the next life)

Further more, I think my brother Hamza81 would give a better reply. I can request him to. Don't worry. K?

 

[Masuma]

Sis, I've requested my brother Hamza81. InshAllah he would soon reply.
Don't worry, you'll soon get a best advice ever!

 

[anonymous]

You mean this same girl had a bf a year ago and now she has another?

Does she pray salah? If not, she has a bigger problem on her hand and this bf thing is just a symptom of a larger iman related problem.

Perhaps send her this link. InshaAllah it'll help. Send it to all your friends via email and include the names in the send to box so she doesn't feel you're aiming it at her specifically.

Yes, unfortunately its her..
And no, she doesn't pray - most of the girls in our group don't pray 5 times, some pray 3 times a day, some pray 5 times but 2/3 of the prayers are prayed late and the rest none..

MashAllah, the link is excellent, I will forward it them InshAllah..

The only difference between this girl and most of the rest of the group is that she has a bf - other than that, iman, prayer, etc, with them is the same, eg. even if they wear scarves outside, in weddings/parties/pic on fb, they're not wearing scarf etc..

The girl with the bf, she's really close to her youngest uncle, and when he found that he told her off and kept going on and on, telling her to stop, but then realised that he was just getting her to hate him so stopped trying..

Im going to a different Uni to all of them, and won't see them that often - but I'm not sure whether to keep close to them or stay away? And what to do/say to the girl with the bf?

Asalamu Alikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh!

Having a gf, bf relationship is totally haram in Islam. I think you should give her small lectures about it. Try to be polite and strong in your argument. Share with her texts describing Allah's power and majesty. Maybe then fear of Allah would stop her from doing that. InshAllah Allah will guide her. If she doesn't stop, then tell her parents. I know this would sound bad and she would call you many6 things, like "your so cruel" or "how could you do it to me, your friend", but believe me, if you really love your friend, try to save her "akhirah". (the next life)

Further more, I think my brother Hamza81 would give a better reply. I can request him to. Don't worry. K?

Jazak Allahukhairan for your reply, and the request..
I have spoken to her (and the rest) every now anad then about Islam and keeping on the staight path etc.. When I found out about the girl having a bf, she texted me and said she didnt tell me because she was scared. I texted her back then telling her that before being scared of me, were you not scared of Allah, of answering Him on the Day of Judgement, of committing sin in front of Him -

She read it, didn't know what to text back though. I asked why do you even have a bf, she just chuckled and said yh, but I don't interact with him or anything!! She knows its haram, but she can't stop herself (thats what she said about listening to music anyway)

Its all confusing and long, I know

Thank you all for being so patient and advising me.. May Allah reward you all..

 

[Alpha Dude]

In that case sister, concentrate more on getting her to forge a relationship with Allah. If she doesn't pray in the first place then she's not going to listen to you in regards to this. No matter what you say about boyfriends being haram, she'll most likely ignore.

If she's going to persist with the relationship, tell her that she should at least strive to make it halal. I.e. via marriage. Keep suggesting marriage to her. What's the point of having boyfriends. Tell her she should have more self worth and not pass herself around the first guy that gives her attention.

 

[aadil77]

you should tell this friend of yours to have some modesty and stop acting like a slu t, tell her sooner or later her boyfriend will use her and dump her like some crap

 

[Alpha Dude]

you should tell this friend of yours to have some modesty and stop acting like a slu t, tell her sooner or later her boyfriend will use her and dump her like some crap

Sounds abrasive but this is good advice. Tell her that these guys are only playing with her. They are using her and when they're bored, they'll move on to the next and treat her like crap. InshaAllah she will see sense.

 

[cat eyes]

the guy will dump her and find somebody else and only she will find out for herself it don't matter what others tell her she will never listen


guys just want to have some fun for a couple of months then they eventually get bored and find another naive girl to fool around with sure hey hes probably even with other girls at same time


Btw is it really healthy for your iman to be hanging around with girl like that? friends are meant to be of some benefit for you.. but i know in my experience they really do influence you in a huge way but you might not realise it.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salam everyone

I need some advice about some friendship problems that I am going through now..

I have a very close circle of friends of nine girls (we've known each other for 7 years now!). They're not all practising, but alhamdullilah, they are very respectful, kind, considerate friends. Recently, we all found out that one of our friends (who is part of the group) has a boyfriend and has kept it secret for 3 months.. We just found out last week.

We're all so shocked, and we can't believe it - I've always told them that boyfriends are haram etc. and they know.. However, what the rest of the girls in the group are saying is that what hurts the most is that the girl with the boyfriend lied to the rest of us about where she's going, what she's doing and sometimes left us to go see him.. (and that they don't mind her having a bf)
I made it clear that for me, the bigger part that hurts me is to see one of my very close friends committing sin.

I spoke to the girl today, and I don't know where our friendship stands. I know the rest of the girls in the group do not want to remain close friends with her, but rather just a classmate. Thats how I felt first, now Im not so sure..

Alhamdullilah, Im practising, and I always try and help get my friends more into Islam (not forcing or continuously preaching though!) The thing is the girls with the bf had one a year ago (and the exact same thing happened with us finding out and her saying sorry)

She's so regretful for keeping everything quiet and knows shes lost her friends through not telling us about this and through the lies..

I don't know what to do, I told her, before being scared of telling me, were you not scared of committing sin infront of Allah, how will you answer Him.

When I met her today, she was in tears, apologizing for everything, but she still (well thats how I understand it) wants to contiue her relationship with her bf, but wants our friendship to remain strong still. She used to be much closer to me, and she has gone through alot of family problems where I've been there to help, which is why she has nearly given up on the rest but is still trying to regain her friendship with me..

I had so much hope for this girl - I prayed to Allah to guide us all, esp. her on the straight path etc.. I don't know what to so anymore

What do I do? Bearing in mind that she won't stop seeing her bf even if our friendship remains, and the saying of the Prophet (SAW) about choosing good friends..

Thank you in advance for you help.
Your sister in Islam

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayr for sharing your issue with us sister as it shows you have concern for your imaan and your friend.

My sister we should realise that these relationships are the cause of the anger and wrath of Allah and never last and are also the cause of immense pain and anguish and can leave a person scarred for a very long time.

You must make her aware that she must fear Allah and what were to happen if Allah were to take her and death was to arrive whilst she was in this state. Remind her but not all the time only here and there for iof we be too frequant then it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

One of the most important things we must do, which sadly many people neglect, is that we should avoid bad company. People we should avoid taking as friends those who speak too freely, who miss Salah, who do not dress modestly, who backbite, slander etc.

The company of such people is poison; just even sitting and talking with them will lead one to commit sins. Just as a person who sits for a long time with a perfume seller begins to smell nice, and a person who sits by a gutter cleaner begins to smell awful, similarly a person who spends time in the company of the wicked eventually gets affected badly by them.

We also have to realise sister that all we can do is inform our families, friends and those who we are wanting to enjoin good upon and forbid from evil, the best we can, be a good example to them and make dua to Allah that he guide them towards the right path and away from the path that may cause their destruction.

You must continue to show your disaprovement of what your friend is doing and you must also stop hanging out with her on a frequant basis. Whether we like it or not bad company or our friends who indulge in sin will influence us gradually. We are who our friends are therefor we must not keep friends who indulge in grave sins lest their bad influence rubs off on us.

You can see her now and again for the purpose of inviting her towards good and forbidding her from evil and everytime you do see her then you must remind her of the great sin she is doing and remind her of death and the hereafter and that these relationships will never get her anywhere but give her pain. Make her aware of why you are moving away from her so that she realises how much you dissaprove of it. Make her realsie that what she is doing is a grave sin and one not to be taken lightly.

You should also e mail and text her Islamic reminders once a week particularly on death and the hereafter and always make dua that Allah saves her from destruction and makes her realise of her wrong doing.
Sister i would advise you sister to join sisters circles, halaqas and sisters programmes as these are beneficial gatherings where you can learn knowledge and mix with and find good and pious sisters who you can befriend and a good friend will help you towards Jannah and encourage you in doing good deeds which will please Allah and the bad friend will have the opposite effect.

We should try to spend as much time as possible with pious, righteous and learned people and keep away from keeping bad friends and those who are loose in their talk and have a bad influence towards you. These people are not your real friends trust me.

The Prophet (saws) said, “The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]

Remember: “All friends will be enemies of one another on that Day (Day of Judgment) except those of the virtuous.” (al-Qur’an 43:67)

Therefore let us go towards righteous company and leave company that will not benefit us in this world or the next for bad company will be out enemies in the hereafter.

 

[Masuma]

^ told you!
And sis, if none of the above works then try my advice too. Simply tell her parents about the bf and they would know how to take care of the situation. The source of this 'beneficial' advice is actully an urdu joke.

''piyar, mohabbat aur dosti, ye aisay rhishtay hain jinhain dunya ki koi taqat bhula dainay par majboor nai kar sakti siwai aik cheiz k aur wo hai...
''abbay di jutti'' !

aaahahahaa! lol
i hope no one understands it.

Hail to ''abba's jutti''! When nothing else works, this would surely set people on the right track! lol

Peace

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

I think that would make it worse. And who knows what her parents are like? I think she just continue reminding her friend.

Telling parents may put her friend in a situation that would hurt her further. E.g. force marriage or maybe violence. It really depends on whether she knows the parents well and knows they will do the right thing. If the parents are type of parents that would force their daughter to marriage, I wouldn’t be so quick to tell them. :heated:

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Or even advise the sister to marry him.

 

[dew of paradise]

My personal experience says in all our life we try to make happy a person who loves us or we do,we should do that m not objecting but if we were gona try to make happy ALLAH & his Prophet pbuh we will be successful!on the judgment day everybody will be asking for forgiveness.even propet JESUS PBUH will be sayin to Allah i dont ask anything for my mother,propher ibrahim pbuh will be sayin to Allah i dont ask anything for my father,All the prophets will be sayin to Allah we dont ask anything for our ummah,but our most beloved Prophet will be asking to Allah forgive my ummah!its a shame for us we ruin our lives for who we love!is it not a shame for us to try to make Allah & his Prophet pbuh happy?we should feel shame that myself 1st and we dont know how we are gona show our faces to Allah & his Prophet pbuh???!!!