Help! Internet Chat Problem

[ziyad]

I am new to this forum so please forgive me if I am posting in the wrong place.
I am hoping people here could help me with a problem I am having.
I have been married for over five years now and have gone through some real difficult times in the initial part of my marriage. I could not get a decent job, was living with my parents, and the final blow came when I found out that we could not have children about two years after our marriage. I hit an all time low.

For some reason I started looking for comfort elsewhere. My wife and I were not on the best of terms at this stage and would argue and fight over stupid things. All sorts of thoughts would go throught my mind. I felt very lonely and began chatting to strange women on the internet. Most of them did not maintain any long term contact besides one. A divorced, muslim revert. I spoke to her for a period of about 4 - 6 months and found myself becoming emotionally involved with her. We never met each other in this time, but I did call her twice just to speak to her. She sent me photo's of herself, but I never did in return. She did not even know my real name or what I looked like. After realising this attachment to her I began to feel guilty and made a resolution that I would never contact her, and made a stupid mistake of telling my wife about it, though I never told her that I was emotionally involved.

Like all women, she obviously felt I cheated on her etc. and till now she still does not trust me and constantly reminds me of what I did, and this saddens me even further, but I pray allah grant her nothing but Jannatul Firdous for her patience and the difficulty that I put her through. Though I know what I did was wrong and never justify any of it, I still have this very strong urge to contact her every now and then. I have succumed to this several times and am having an incredibly difficult time of letting go completely. Any advice would be appreciated.

Jazakallah

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

go sort your marriage out first then take it from there. your wronging both women as well as yourself. i mean realistically want can you do with this new lady? she isn't your wife, she is your non-mahram. what is going to come out of it even if you do contact her?
put your self on both of these sisters shoes? how would you feel if this was done to you? instead of being there for your wife and figuring out a practical way to sort these issues out where it needs it, you run off. i dont get it.

maybe im not the best person to answer this.

 

[ziyad]

My marriage has been somewhat sorted out. We don't argue or fight as much anymore, though my wife feels I don't love her because I "cheated" on her. It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I am not even sure if I really "cheated" on her, considering I never met this other women.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^ if you are in contact with women who to the extent of emotional attachment, doesn't that tell you something? wouldst you consider this as cheating if your wife formed an emotional attachment to some random man.

My marriage has been somewhat sorted out. We don't argue or fight as much anymore, though my wife feels I don't love her because I "cheated" on her.

alhamdulillah. you have formed some sort of foundation for change, build on it from there there. you should consider yourself fortunate that your wife forgave you. dont mess that up by giving in to fleeting emotions.

 

[ziyad]

^ if you are in contact with women who to the extent of emotional attachment, doesn't that tell you something? wouldst you consider this as cheating if your wife formed an emotional attachment to some random man.


alhamdulillah. you have formed some sort of foundation for change, build on it from there there. you should consider yourself fortunate that your wife forgave you. dont mess that up by giving in to fleeting emotions.

I guess it could be termed as cheating though it was totally unintentional, it just happened.
However it is still extremely difficult for me, this woman has helped me through a very difficult moment in my life, when at one stage I was almost suicidal and wanted to turn the gun on myself. She was always there to listen to me, and got me through many difficult times. She never became judgemental of me and tried her utmost best to help me without any ulterior motives in fact she would always encourage me to build my relationship with my wife, none of this was her fault, she saw someone in need and responded. After going through so much and having assisted me in so many ways, at the very least my heart has this desire to atleast find out how she is doing once in a while, is this wrong??

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

if you are feeling like this towards another woman, then there is something fundamentally wrong in your own marriage. i dont know the details of your marriage and im not going to ask you, but think about them for yourself. does your wife displease you in some way? do you displease her? so you dont argue as often, but have you none-the-less tried rectifying your marriage if needed? staying quite and overlooking and forgiving doesn't always help becuase if you dont get to the basis of the problem and fix it, it will keep cropping up. do some soul searching...rekindle your feelings for one another...put everything behind you and start afresh.

your wife can be there for you too if you just give it a chance. this is your own mind beautifying the haram for you. why else do you think you turned to find comfort in someone else? you could feel like this about 100 other ladies but the truth is, is that lady just so happened to be there when you needed it most. you could feel the same about another lady if this had happened to you ten years previous or ten years after this...it makes no difference it just so happened that the "conditions" and situation and feelings all came together at the same time.

dont get in contact with women. dont hurt your wife like this. speaking as a female, we hate it and there is only certain crap we can take so dont expect us to always be there when the limits have been crossed. we all feel some kind of concern towards the opposite gender who arent related to us if/when we see them in hardship, but we shouldn't act on those feelings becuase we just dont know where it could lead to and cases like this are a perfect example...of course you will always incline to towards those who helped you when you need it most -its human nature.

again, i dont know if im the best person to answer this.

 

[ziyad]

if you are feeling like this towards another woman, then there is something fundamentally wrong in your own marriage. Staying quite and overlooking and forgiving doesn't always help becuase if you dont get to the basis of the problem and fix it, it will keep cropping up.

Your wife can be there for you too if you just give it a chance.

I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong in my marriage, in fact most people think we make a very nice couple. However there are some issues best kept under the carpet, bringing them out just does not help. I have learnt to keep my mouth shut, because everything I say is always turned upside down. I just don't understand women.

My wife has always been there for me in every situation that has nothing to do with her directly. When she becomes the "Problem" I have no place to go. Trying to unpack the issues, sends her into a depression and either she becomes the "Demon" and the route to all our problems or it's me. She says things that really has made me become very defensive, things like, "maybe i'm not good enough for you, just leave me, maybe then your life will be better, etc. etc." I have learnt to just ignore it, and not discuss these issues, it does not help anyone.

 

[ziyad]

Coming back the issue of just finding out how she is once in a while, I still don't see how this is wrong. It does not have to be a long drawn out discussion. Just find out how she is and then get out.

I mean take this forum for example, men and women are discussing things here, exchanging opinions, abusing each other, giving each other duas etc. I could easily ask one of the women on this forum how they are doing, I am sure nobody would take offence to that, it is merely enquiring about your wellbeing, perhaps I could make dua for her, or a women at work that I have regular contact with, how is this wrong?

 

[ziyad]

You know really thinking about it, this forum can cause a lot of fitnah too, Allah forbid. I know the intention is good, but maybe you are overly sympathetic to someone and they just get this inclination towards you, then one thing leads to another and before you know it, serious PROBLEMS.
I see you can even private message people here, I am not sure if this is only to the same sex or also the opposite sex, so nothing stops someone from becoming emotionally involved with someone else, shaytaan plays all sorts of havoc. Allah save us.

 

[Muslim Woman]

...at one stage I was almost suicidal and wanted to turn the gun on myself.

if married life is so difficult for anyone that s/he is thinking of commiting suicide , then it's allowed for him /her to go for divorce . It's lawful . But to use the unhappy life as an excuse to have a secret affair , it's haram.


So , think & decide if u want to continue ur life with ur wife ? If no , then talk to her frankly . Or if u think u can deal with 2 wives justly , then may think about having 2nd wife. But don't think of commit suicide or don't have any secret relationship.

And Allah Knows Best.

 

[ziyad]

if married life is that difficult for anyone that s/he is thinking of commiting suicide , then it's allowed for him /her to go for divorce . It's lawful . But to use the unhappy life to have a secret affair , it's haram.

So , think & decide if u want to continue ur life with ur wife ? If no , then talk to her frankly . Or if u think u can deal with 2 wives justly , then may think about having 2nd wife. But don't think of commit suicide or don't have any secret relationship.

And Allah Knows Best.

It was never intended to be a secret affair, I was just looking for someone to talk to, and just got hooked onto this women who helped me in very, very difficult circumstances.
I cannot say, I was suicidal only because of my marital life, there were other issues as well, and since then things have been somewhat under control, I don't have any suicidal tendencies anymore either. I just want to contact this women now and then, to see how she is doing. If feels harsh to speak to someone when you need then most, and when you're done just dump them and move on. Discard them like toilet paper, is that fair?? I don't want to romance her or anything, she does not even think about me in that way.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

If feels harsh to speak to someone when you need then most, and when you're done just dump them and move on. Discard them like toilet paper, is that fair?? .

Don't try to find another excuse and don't repeat the mistake , pl.

she does not even think about me in that way.

how do u know ? Why sent her photoes to u ? Pl. bro , don't give Satan any chance to commit any major sin .

 

[ziyad]

Salaam
Don't try to find another excuse and don't repeat the mistake , pl.
how do u know ? Why sent her photoes to u ? Pl. bro , don't give Satan any chance to commit any major sin .

I know because I told her how I felt about her, she just shrugged it off. She said it would be unfair to my wife, and she never asked me to meet with her.

How else am I suppose to live with it?
It is like holding onto to burning hot coals, it hurts so much.
I know she is lonely, she used to speak to me about anything and everything, we were like best friends, just that I became emotionally involved. She has so little direction in her life, and was getting hooked up with wrong company, going clubbing etc. I felt like I needed to help her in her time of need just like she helped me. I need some sort of solid foundation, reason, something I don't know what it is.
Sometimes I feel only death will be able to stop my yearning for her. I don't want to hurt my wife, she has gone through enough with me already.

 

[Dagless]

It was never intended to be a secret affair, I was just looking for someone to talk to, and just got hooked onto this women who helped me in very, very difficult circumstances.
I cannot say, I was suicidal only because of my marital life, there were other issues as well, and since then things have been somewhat under control, I don't have any suicidal tendencies anymore either. I just want to contact this women now and then, to see how she is doing. If feels harsh to speak to someone when you need then most, and when you're done just dump them and move on. Discard them like toilet paper, is that fair?? I don't want to romance her or anything, she does not even think about me in that way.

I don't think you can call it an affair but some would say its as bad when you're giving that level of emotion to someone who is not your wife.

I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want to stay with your wife? If the answer is yes then there is no need to see how this other woman is doing. You will not break of contact because you want to be cold or mean to her. It's to save your marriage and also let her continue with her life.

Muslim Woman has already said it best when she said don't give satan a chance. By leaving the door open with a woman you know you can have feelings for, you're playing with fire. Next time you have an argument with your wife you may email her to see how she's doing but mention the argument. Then she'll be understanding and even though you don't want to you'll feel something for her. It's not worth it in the long run.

Also tell your wife you won't talk to the woman again and she should also stop bringing this incident up. If she can't forgive you then get a divorce, if she forgives you she's not allowed to ever mention it again. Bringing it up every time you guys have an argument must be torture.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I am new to this forum so please forgive me if I am posting in the wrong place.
I am hoping people here could help me with a problem I am having.
I have been married for over five years now and have gone through some real difficult times in the initial part of my marriage. I could not get a decent job, was living with my parents, and the final blow came when I found out that we could not have children about two years after our marriage. I hit an all time low.


For some reason I started looking for comfort elsewhere. My wife and I were not on the best of terms at this stage and would argue and fight over stupid things. All sorts of thoughts would go throught my mind. I felt very lonely and began chatting to strange women on the internet. Most of them did not maintain any long term contact besides one. A divorced, muslim revert. I spoke to her for a period of about 4 - 6 months and found myself becoming emotionally involved with her. We never met each other in this time, but I did call her twice just to speak to her. She sent me photo's of herself, but I never did in return. She did not even know my real name or what I looked like. After realising this attachment to her I began to feel guilty and made a resolution that I would never contact her, and made a stupid mistake of telling my wife about it, though I never told her that I was emotionally involved.

Like all women, she obviously felt I cheated on her etc. and till now she still does not trust me and constantly reminds me of what I did, and this saddens me even further, but I pray allah grant her nothing but Jannatul Firdous for her patience and the difficulty that I put her through. Though I know what I did was wrong and never justify any of it, I still have this very strong urge to contact her every now and then. I have succumed to this several times and am having an incredibly difficult time of letting go completely. Any advice would be appreciated.

Jazakallah

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayran for sharing your issue with us. First of all brother we should realise that a marriage will always have its ups and downs. A marriage is also a trial and maintaining good communication in the marriage at all times is vital in order for both to understand each other and for the marriage to get through hard and difficult times. In your case there was a communication break down and inevitabley things will go downhill if both stop communicating and understanding each other. Comprimise and corporation is also crucial in a marriage and there MUST be a team effort. Both must work together to make the marriage work and to get through difficult times. If one does so and the other does'nt then it will not work. Therefore both must be onboard to want to resolve matters that need resolving.

When things went downhill in your situation then instead of turning to Allah to help you through the trials and rather than getting the help of elders, a scholar or a counsellor you decided to listen to shaythan and find comfort in the worst of all places the internet. Most cases of cheating in a marriage always starts off from problems in the marriage and with the person wanting to find comfort in the opposite sex. In your case you were fooled by shaythan into doing exactley that.

You must NOT make any excuses to yourself and others by saying that what you did was innocent and that your intention was not to take it any further etc etc. You should feel VERY bad for what you have done and realise that you have done a VERY hurtful and selfish act and if it was the other way around you would not have been able to handle it.

The simple fact is that you cheated on your wife by speaking to other women behind your wifes back. It is forbidden for a non married man to speak to a girl alone without her mahram present then what is the case for a married man speaking to a non mahram women?

You should imagine it if it were the other way around and your wife did the same to you as in she got to know many men over the internet and phone behind your back and imagine if you found out then how would you feel?

Therefore you must sincerely repent for what you have done with the intention of NEVER repeating such a grave sin and you must now try and get your wifes trust back. Once trust is broken then it is very difficult to get it back and that is what you must do now. Open up to her fully and tell her how you were feeling at the time and how that difficult time messed your head up. Tell her you should have turned to Allah instead of listening to shaythan and that is your fault. Also take an oath to Allah in front of her that you will NEVER repeat such a grave error again. Then you will have to give it time and pray to Allah that he puts the trust back into your wifes heart. If you are ever going through any difficult time then seek the help of Allah first and then your elders, reliable and experienced scholars and counselors but NEVER listen to shaythan and go and find solace in other women for you will find more pain and anguish.

Turn to Allah now and make this a point of your life to change yourself forever. If you have Allah in your life then no matter what you may go through you will find peace and solace in Allah and he will help you through thr hardest of times. Never ask Allah "why" but accept whatever he has decreed for you. Never listen to your eternal enemy shaythan but get as close to Allah as you can and learn from the past and do things better now and the future! Make the best of every second and pray at the Masjid as much as you can and recite Qur'an at home so that blessings may come into your house. Ramadan is nearly here so prepare for it NOW and change your life for the better FOREVER!

and Allah knows best in all matters

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

.... She has so little direction in her life, and was getting hooked up with wrong company, going clubbing etc. I felt like I needed to help her in her time of need

where are her parent , relatives , friends ? It's not ur duty to help her by maintaining a secret relationship. Why she is not getting married if she needs a partner badly ?

Anyway , be honest to yourself . If u are unhappy in married life and if there is a risk that that may lead to commit a major sin like having secret affair , then take a firm decision according to Sharia.

In the meantime , tell ur wife not to tease or offend u mentioning the past event .

 

[cat eyes]

Coming back the issue of just finding out how she is once in a while, I still don't see how this is wrong. It does not have to be a long drawn out discussion. Just find out how she is and then get out.

I mean take this forum for example, men and women are discussing things here, exchanging opinions, abusing each other, giving each other duas etc. I could easily ask one of the women on this forum how they are doing, I am sure nobody would take offence to that, it is merely enquiring about your wellbeing, perhaps I could make dua for her, or a women at work that I have regular contact with, how is this wrong?

you can not love your wife if you want to contact another woman lol i'm really sorry but how on earth can this be love going behind your wives back and chatting up other women?

when you love some one, you don't hurt them and this is the most worst thing a man could ever do to a woman. as sis umm sufyaan said its virtually crossing all limits.

man might easily forget if something like this happened to him but women don't. women get scarred for life and they can not forget there husband went and sought comfort in another woman,

please speak with an imaam. even though members can give you good advice here.. a scholar is more suited for this situation.

 

[Asiyah3]

Coming back the issue of just finding out how she is once in a while, I still don't see how this is wrong.

1. She's a non-mahram. It's 100% forbidden.
2. You are married! Please stop being selfish and think of your wife for Allah's sake.

What is more you are planning to keep contacting this woman that you are emotionally involved with and yet complain of your wife's behaviour?

Sometimes I feel only death will be able to stop my yearning for her.

BLAME YOURSELF.

Fear Allah.

 

[ziyad]

Salaam



where are her parent , relatives , friends ? It's not ur duty to help her by maintaining a secret relationship. Why she is not getting married if she needs a partner badly ?

She is a muslim revert, her parents and all her family are non muslims. She was married to a muslim man but got divorced, I am not too sure of the reason.

 

[ziyad]

1.

BLAME YOURSELF.

Fear Allah.

I do, yes life was very difficult, but like brother Hamza says, I should have not turned to haraam avenues. Instead turn to Allah. The damage has already been done, there is nothing I can do to turn back the clock, if there was I would have, but unfortunately cannot.

I appreciate the responses, truly I do, and would like to thank everyone who responded for providing their views, and sister Ummu for her very direct approach, I feel like she would rip my head off if I was infront of her and her profile pic helps even more. Shukran to everyone, after visiting this forum and speaking about my problem I feel like nobody will really understand the depth of my problem due to the complexity of it, besides Allah. Though most of the replies have given me a hint of direction, that is most appreciated and maybe all I need to succeed, you just need a spark to start a raging fire.

Jazakallah