21 year old Converted muslim.. facing a worry...

[Haider_Ali]

Salaam brothers and sisters of Islam,

I am 21 years old, British, born catholic (although parents not strict) and living in London. I am recently converted to Islam and this is my first ramadan as a muslim, i'm finding fasting fairly tough but i am enjoying it Mashallah

I do have a slight problem though and i'm not sure if i'm posting it in the right section? This is not a joke:

Before i converted i used to drink like normal white people do, hit on girls, look at porn, without a care in the world. Now i am alcohol free, Insha'Allah, i have a steady muslim girlfriend who i adore and hope to continue to date Insha'Allah (we are halal, before you ask.) And i don't look at other women or desire them Insha'Allah.

I try to avoid all things haram, however i have a love for masturbation, and sometimes porn along with it. In my eyes it makes me feel good and stops me from committing a bigger sin in illegal sexual relations with my private parts. At the moment it is ramadan and i have been resisting with every fibre in my body.. but once fasting hours are over, i find myself wanting to look at it once, and pleasure myself.

When ramadan is over, i'd want to do it maybe once a week.

How bad of a sin is this? I know it is wrong, but Insha'Allah it is the only temptation i have, and one i feel i need in my life. Are there any muslims out there, male or female who do masturbate?

What if i can try to not look at porn (will be very hard) and think of my girlfriend when masturbating, i also sometimes do this.

I read somewhere, that while unmarried it is acceptable?

I appreciate your replies in advance.

Haider Ali

 

[Cabdullahi]

Might be of good use to you

Most Men are Victims of Porn

by Henry Makow Ph.D.

(Revised and updated from Nov. 2001.)




In the rear view mirror, it's now clear porn is used as a form of political control. Get us to think about sex, and we won't think about how our freedom is being taken away.
I doubt if women were always seen as sex objects. They had to sexualize women. PLAYBOY undressed the "girl next door." That was for my generation. Now they are sexualizing children. Next it will be animals. And finally fence posts.
The idea is to get us thinking of nothing but our genitals and short term relationships.
PLAYBOY changed the habits of my (baby boomer) generation resulting in sexual chaos and broken families.
PLAYBOY was presented as advanced thinking. But in retrospect we can see that it really was sophisticated social engineering. With messianic fervor, Playboy took its message of sexual freedom to the American male who, in the 1950's and 1960's, still consecrated sex for marriage. But the freedom was illusory. Playboy's aim, the aim of all pornographers, was to hook men on the glossy fantasy.

To do this, they had to prevent them from finding true satisfaction in marriage. In Judith Reisman's words, "Playboy was the first national magazine to exploit college men's fears of women and family commitment. Playboy offered itself as a reliable, comforting substitute for monogamous heterosexual love." ("Soft Porn Plays Hardball," p 47)

MY EXPERIENCE
At the onset of puberty, at age 11 in 1961, magazine pictures of women showing cleavage or leg had a magical quality for me. Pretty soon, my friends were stealing PLAYBOY from newsstands and I was also tempted.
Instead, with some trepidation, I approached my father. In the spirit of the times, ("sex is natural, repression is bad") and without any guidance, he bought me a copy. Pretty soon I was a subscriber.
My father's decision vastly increased my trust and confidence in him. But it had the effect of making lust take the place of love in my imagination. Sex was sublimated love. I imagined that sex was something sacred that took place between perfect creatures in secluded garrets. The beautiful buxom centerfolds filled me with near religious wonder and awe.
PLAYBOY packaged this religion of sex. There was no interest in what women are really like as flawed human beings. The subjects of love, marriage, children, and aging were disparaged. There was nothing about true masculinity and femininity. The religion of sex was curiously asexual.
Nevertheless, it took over my subconscious. My erotic dreams often involved PLAYBOY pictures. I can relate, albeit in milder terms, to porn addict "Mike" who wrote on this site that he prefers packaged porn to real sex.
REAL WOMEN INVISIBLE
Women who were not beautiful became invisible. I could not take them seriously. My first wife was average looking. She had spoken to me twice before we became carrel neighbors at the university library. I had absolutely no recollection of these encounters.
The fixation on physical beauty was psychologically emasculating. How did I approach someone when I saw only the surface? Attractive women remained mystical goddesses. I put them on a pedestal. I was too needy. I couldn't relate to women as human beings.
I lost touch with my masculine identity, my feelings and critical faculties. I wanted love but didn't know how to get it.
I was part of the (homo) sexual revolution, part of a generation of sexual fashion victims. Despite the example of my father, I didn't grasp the eternal model of masculinity. In this model, a man leads and looks after the woman and children he loves.

Unconsciously, men and women are still looking for this kind of relationship. But with feminism, a lesbian philosophy, teaching women to be men, and vice-versa, both sexes are lost. I, for one, had no identity, goal, or motivation. I spent my time looking for them in social action and eastern religion.
I married the average looking woman because I was NOT obsessively attracted to her. I was tired of being ruled by my desires. She was a feminist and had a career, allowing me to pursue my own interests. Eventually, inevitably, I hungered for more.

I fell in love with an insecure young woman who played to my idealization of beauty by maintaining a facade. I divorced my wife and lived with this woman for six years. For a long time, she infatuated me. My love was totally giving, in the hope of securing her love. Mature love is demanding; she would have responded to that.

My book, "A Long Way to Go for a Date" chronicles my slow and painful emergence from immaturity and arrested development. I am now happily married because I belatedly discovered masculine identity. A man cannot be ruled by desire for sex and love. A man is God's agent, creating a New World, the family. This is his duty, purpose and fulfillment. A woman's fulfillment is to be his partner and means to this end.


I missed the opportunity to have a normal family. I have only one son by my first marriage. So the social engineers scored a victory with me, and countless other men like me.




NOW, WE'RE ALL SEX ADDICTS (TO SOME DEGREE)


In normal heterosexuality, sex is reserved for the courtship and procreation stage. With parenthood, sex becomes less important, and eventually becomes pretty irrelevant. Thanks to porn, we are being re-engineered to behave like homosexuals, never to marry or have children.


Instead of families, we have sex. Sex from cradle to grave with multiple partners. Sex. Everywhere you look. All the time. We suffer from arrested development with an adolescent fixation on our appearance and genitals. We remain stuck in courtship mode, never maturing and developing as intended.


Some good articles on here : http://www.quitpornaddiction.com/

 

[Cabdullahi]

Reprogramming Your Subconscious Mind.

•Be the guardian of everything that enters your mind - Know that everything you see hear and feel goes directly into your subconscious mind and you must manage the information you allow in. Eliminate negative information as much as you can by limiting the amount of news you read, stop seeing violent movies, read only positive information. Keep the positive information flowing into your mind and your subconscious will naturally become more positive.

•Set aside time for you - Everyone needs time to reflect. Whether you pray, meditate, practice yoga, or just read positive information. Set aside an hour each day for yourself. Your subconscious mind needs to know just how important you are and nothing shows this importance than having time for yourself. Many believe there is not a free hour in the day for themselves. Whether you have to wake an hour early or go to bed an hour later having an hour of peace is an important way to clear your mind and open yourself to the possibilities your subconscious mind can offer.

•Speak kindly to yourself - When you look in the mirror do you like what you see? Do you compliment yourself on your most outstanding attributes? Stop all negative talk to yourself immediately. You are a perfect creation of God and you have beautiful traits that need recognizing. Remind yourself of your great eyes or your winning smile-whatever sets you apart from everyone else in a positive way. Your subconscious will thank you.

 

[Cabdullahi]

Salaam brothers and sisters of Islam,

I am 21 years old, British, born catholic (although parents not strict) and living in London. I am recently converted to Islam and this is my first ramadan as a muslim, i'm finding fasting fairly tough but i am enjoying it Mashallah

I do have a slight problem though and i'm not sure if i'm posting it in the right section? This is not a joke:

Before i converted i used to drink like normal white people do, hit on girls, look at porn, without a care in the world. Now i am alcohol free, Insha'Allah, i have a steady muslim girlfriend who i adore and hope to continue to date Insha'Allah (we are halal, before you ask.) And i don't look at other women or desire them Insha'Allah.

I try to avoid all things haram, however i have a love for masturbation, and sometimes porn along with it. In my eyes it makes me feel good and stops me from committing a bigger sin in illegal sexual relations with my private parts. At the moment it is ramadan and i have been resisting with every fibre in my body.. but once fasting hours are over, i find myself wanting to look at it once, and pleasure myself.

When ramadan is over, i'd want to do it maybe once a week.

How bad of a sin is this? I know it is wrong, but Insha'Allah it is the only temptation i have, and one i feel i need in my life. Are there any muslims out there, male or female who do masturbate?

What if i can try to not look at porn (will be very hard) and think of my girlfriend when masturbating, i also sometimes do this.

I read somewhere, that while unmarried it is acceptable?

I appreciate your replies in advance.

Haider Ali

From what i understood its become an obsession and without a doubt it will destroy you because that's its purpose, this obsession of yours could be related to a deeper issue and until you get to the root problem the obsession wont go away

keep fighting and insha'Allah you'll be free

 

[tango92]

3 remedies

increase your iman. keep reading the quran and looking at the signs Allah swt has given us. when our Iman becomes strong our actions follow naturally

if you have a genuine desire to stop, then sometimes drastic measures need to be taken. take your wireless adapter and chuck it in the bin. after 6 months you can have your internet back, in the meanwhile internet cafes are available for emergencies. and take other measures to ensure you dont have easy acess to porn.

or take a holiday, youll be surprised how little you feel desire when away from home. if you can try to go on umrah or hajj. or a muslim country at least. then youll understand its all in your head (theres no withdrawal symptoms), humans werent created to be slaves to their genitals.

all the best. Salaam bro.

 

[Haider_Ali]

Thanks people.

And is it true if i continue to masturbate i may go to hell?

 

[Cabdullahi]

Thanks people.

And is it true if i continue to masturbate i may go to hell?

easy solution to masturbating = get married


Yusuf Al-Qaradawi

"The majority of Muslim scholars consider masturbation haram (unlawful). Imam Malik bases his judgment on the verse: 'Those who guard their sexual organs except with their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for (with regard to them) they are without blame. But those who crave something beyond that are transgressors.' (Al-Mu'minoon:5-7)

Imam Malik argued that the masturbator is one of those who ‘crave something beyond that.’

On the other hand, it is reported that Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal regarded semen as an excretion of the body like other excrete, and permitted its expulsion the same way blood letting is permitted. Ibn Hazm holds the same view. However, the Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry.

Read more: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/...FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543914#ixzz0x9JwRgGi

 

[Haider_Ali]

Those you're right hand's posess. Such as slaves.. do you not think that is wrong? I believe that to be adultery, having sex with a slave if you are married.. if im wrong please correct me, i'm just very confused bhai.

I see both points of view, i do not masturbate during the hours of ramadan Insha'Allah, out of respect. It's at other times i get tempted, and i do believe it stops me committing a bigger sin, and i am not married. I avoid alcohol, i avoid sex, i avoid women, i avoid drugs. Everything else.

 

[tango92]

Thanks people.

And is it true if i continue to masturbate i may go to hell?

look at it this way, if you have a genuine intention to quit and take necessary action but still fall into the trap once in a while and then SINCERELY repent. inshallah Allah will forgive you

but there may probably come a point when it becomes difficult to even acknowledge what your doing is a sin, how will you repent then? this is the dwnfall of of many muslims who think theyre sins are not so great. this time you have now is precious when you can discipline yourself. just imagine once your married and have kids what will be the use of quitting then? the real test is for today.

the issue of slaves is beyond my knowledge however, as with islam there is always more than meets the eye behind rulings. in todays age alhumdulillah there is almost no slavery, but back in the day slave trade was like the banking system. people couldnt imagine life without it, so certain allowances had to be made. and Allah knows best

 

[Haider_Ali]

look at it this way, if you have a genuine intention to quit and take necessary action but still fall into the trap once in a while and then SINCERELY repent. inshallah Allah will forgive you

but there may probably come a point when it becomes difficult to even acknowledge what your doing is a sin, how will you repent then? this is the dwnfall of of many muslims who think theyre sins are not so great. this time you have now is precious when you can discipline yourself. just imagine once your married and have kids what will be the use of quitting then? the real test is for today.

the issue of slaves is beyond my knowledge however, as with islam there is always more than meets the eye behind rulings. in todays age alhumdulillah there is almost no slavery, but back in the day slave trade was like the banking system. people couldnt imagine life without it, so certain allowances had to be made. and Allah knows best

"However, the Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry."

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam bro


Welcome to Islam.

why not marry the girl u love ? U can't have a ' halal' relationship with her until u 2 get married . It's allowed to get married in Ramadan . U can do it on Eid day or after Eid. But pl. try to get rid of the bad habit u mentioned . It's a sin and not allowed also for unmarried.

 

[tango92]

"However, the Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry."

be sincere with yourself when deciding if you fit those categories.
nonetheless masturbation is tied up with pornography, without pornography im sure you wouldnt need/want to masturbate anyway. and pornography is haram full stop.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam br

Those you're right hand's posess. Such as slaves.. do you not think that is wrong? .

It does not matter what we think , the matter is Allah made it halal . So , questioning / challenging God is not a sign of a believer . Pl. be very careful next time before writing such comment. Unwillingly we may talk / write something that may take us out of Islam.

It's better that we must offer our repentance to Allah before death approaches and utter the Shahada whenever possible .

About ur question , it was not a must to have a relationship with war slaves but it was allowed. Polygamy is also a contorversial issue in the west . People may have unlimited sex partner there but men can't have more than one wife. Do u think , it's correct ? People may have different opinions . So , it's better and it's a must for any beleiver to listen to our Creator.

 

[Zafran]

Salaam

Slaves are preety much non existent and today muslims have agreed not to buy and sell slaves or enslave people as it is abolished - so I thing that issue is totaly out of the question. Secodanly as people have said be true to yourself - try not taking - following the desires root.

peace

 

[syed_z]

Those you're right hand's posess. Such as slaves.. do you not think that is wrong? I believe that to be adultery, having sex with a slave if you are married.. if im wrong please correct me, i'm just very confused bhai.

I see both points of view, i do not masturbate during the hours of ramadan Insha'Allah, out of respect. It's at other times i get tempted, and i do believe it stops me committing a bigger sin, and i am not married. I avoid alcohol, i avoid sex, i avoid women, i avoid drugs. Everything else.

Asalaam O Alaikum Brother Haider... welcome to Islam, May Allah Help you and us Increase our Iman ! Ameen.


About Slaves, the Quran does not mention to have sexual relations with female slave. Rather Quran says...

(4:24) And (forbidden to you are) all married women other than those whom you rightfully possess (through wedlock) this is God's ordinance, binding upon you. But lawful to you are all (women) beyond these (relationships mentioned in Verse 23), for you to seek out, offering them of your Lawful possessions (i.e dowry) taking them in honest wedlock, and not in fornication.

Muhammad Asad comments in Message of Quran on following Verse " According to all authorities. Al Muhsanat means "married women". As for the expression ma malakat aymanukum (those whom your right hand possess) i.e those whom you rightfully possess it is often taken to mean female slaves captured in a war in God's cause. The commentators who choose this meaning hold that such slave girls can be taken in marriage irrespective of whether they have husbands in the country of origin or not. However, quite apart from the fundamental differences of opinion, even among companions of the Prophet, regarding the legality of such marriage, some of the most outstanding commentators hold the view that ma malakat aymanukum denotes here "women whom you rightfully possess through wedlock." ;thus Razi in his commentary and Tabari in one of his explanations (going back to Abdullah ibn Abbas , Mujahid and others). Razi in particular, points out that the reference to "all married women" is meant to stress the prohibition of sexual relations with any woman other than one's lawful wife."

The marriage to slaves was to be with only those captured in war, and once they had embraced Islam, not otherwise, and even then you have to marry through a wedlock and not have any kind of relationship without wedlock.

also Verses like which brother tango mentioned in Message of Quran they are interpreted as such...

(23:1) Truly to a happy state shall attain the believers. (2) Those who humble themselves in their prayer (3) and those who turn away from all that is frivolous (4) and who are intent on inner purity (5) and who are mindful of their chastity (6) (not giving away to their desires) with any but their spouses - that is, those whom they rightfully possess (through wedlock) for then behold they are free of all blame.

those whom they rightfully possess (through wedlock)... again means through legal marriage that believing men and women are included in the word "Believers" in 1st Verse.

Asad has commented in Quran, that Islam prohibits the Institution of slavery (8:67).


About your Habit, in addition to what brothers and sisters have said ....

Prophet Muhammad (saw) prayed a Dua (for believers to Learn) "Oh Allah Purify my Heart from Hypocricy, My tongue from lies, my deeds and actions from Riya (Show off) and My eyes from Wongful Glances."

This dua is recorded in Authentic Traditions, and it might be helpful for you to pray to Allah to help you in this Blessed Month. Ask Allah (swt) sincerely, and repent for these acts that you did, as they are Haraam. Consider this Verse of Quran....

(24:30) Tell the Believing Men to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity: this will be more most inducive to their purity - (and) Verily, God is aware of all that you do!

The reason why Allah (swt) says to "Lower your gaze" and the Prophet recites the Dua to Allah, to purify the eyes from "Wrongful glances", means that Zinah (Adultery) can also be committed by one's eyes!

Since your a revert MashA Allah ... i don't know if you know the meaning of Whats the Lower Self (Nafs) which is part of our life, and it commands us to commit evil, that is commands us to follow the lower desires, bestiality, vain desires, lust, anger, show off, jealousy, and all such which weakens the morality inside of us. It weaknes our Spirits, as we are actually spiritual beings and not physical. Even though we need, our bodies to work within the Limits of God (shariah) to reach the High Self, i.e be closer to God.


Verily the Nafs (lower self) is a great commander of evil, except that my Lord bestows His Mercy. (Quran 12:53)

These words were said by Prophet Yusuf (a.s) when the wife of the minister tried seducing her, and he sought protection in Allah, or else even he was going to fall for it. But he sought refuge in Allah, rejected her to do wrong and was saved by Mercy of Allah. So this warning is in Quran that warns us to guard ourselves against our lower desires, for they can make us commit evil which make us disobey Allah and fall in to sin. Then we get attached to those sins as our Soul get used to it and every time we come across that temptation we fall for it.

So you need to stop now, before that habit becomes a disease of your Heart.

Some one said Your Eyes are windows to your soul. Our Souls come from God and it is only through them that we can make our conection strong with Allah (swt). Don't weaken you soul for it will be weak, once it leaves your body i.e time of Death.


(87:14) He who purified himself shall prosper

Salaam..

 

[Haider_Ali]

Shukriya brother, i have but one more question.

One thing i am unclear on.. and one thing that makes me question my faith, all be it a tiny bit.

Why does the Quran state that a man may beat his wife?

please explain the reasons behind this.

shukriya brother.

 

[syed_z]

Shukriya brother, i have but one more question.

One thing i am unclear on.. and one thing that makes me question my faith, all be it a tiny bit.

Why does the Quran state that a man may beat his wife?

please explain the reasons behind this.

shukriya brother.

Koi baat nahee.. Your most welcome...

(4:34) And as for those women whose ill-will you have reason to fear, admonish them (first); then leave them alone in bed; then beat them; and thereupon if they pay you heed , do not seek to harm them. Behold, God is indeed most high, Great!


In Commentary on this Verse, the part of .."Ill Will" implies a deliberate , persistent breach of her marital obligation.

About ... Beat them... Many authentic traditions Prophet (saw) himself detested beating of ones wife , and said on more than one occasion "Could any of you beat his wife as he would beat a slave , and then lie with her in the evening ?" (Bukhari and Muslim).

According to another tradition he forbade the beating of any woman with the words "Never beat God's handmaidens." (Abu Daud, Nisai, Ibn Majah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal, Ibn Hibban and Hakim on the authority of Iyas ibn Abd Allah (r.a), Ibn Hibban on the authority of Abd Allah ibn Abbas and Bayhaqi on the authority of Umm Kulthum)


When the Quranic Verse authorizing the beating of a refractory wife was revealed, the Prophet is reported to have said "I wanted one thing, but God has willed another thing and what God has Willed must be best." (Asad Commentary)

With all this he made it clear on the day of Farewell Pilgrimage , shortly before his death, that beating should be resorted to only if the wife "has become guilty , in an abvious manner of immoral conduct." and that it should be done in such a way not to cause pain (ghayr mubarrih); traditionscan be found in Muslim, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah etc.

On the basis of above traditions all authorities stress that this "beating" , if resorted to at all, should be more or less symbolic "with a toothbrush or some such thing." (Tabari) or even with a "folded handkerchief" (Razi).

And some of the Greatest Muslim scholars like Imam Shafi (r.a) are of the opinion that it is barely permissible, and should preferably be avoided: and they justify this opinion by the Prophet's personal feelings with regard to this problem.

and im sure other Brothers and Sisters can explain it as well, something i missed out on

Btw where are you from Originally India or Pakistan ?

Salaam...

 

[cat eyes]

welcome to the forum

so you watch porn and have a girlfriend.

the solution is marriage. stop the excuses. they will be no good in front of Allah. both of you should get married. there is no excuse for you watching porn daily.

to me though it sounds like you have an extreme addiction and once a person is addicted this is when a person will eventually go on to more extreme perverted stuff which is dangerous.

you should seek help for this...because anybody that watches this much porn is surely an addict

please seek help for this because it is not normal..

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

Greeting brother...
First of all, congratulations for you new faith.
My suggestion, get married as soon as possible, I know it is too early for marriage. Masturbation and Porn are very addictive things once you're addicted to these things it will ruin your marriage too if you were married.

I am also just over 21 years (22 years) and I do not masturbate and I never did. I abhor that action...Even my friends say masturbation helps you lower the gaze and control the lust...But even without masturbating Alhumdulillah I never felt those things, the lust and ogling at women...

 

[أحمد]

Shukriya brother, i have but one more question.

One thing i am unclear on.. and one thing that makes me question my faith, all be it a tiny bit.

Why does the Quran state that a man may beat his wife?

please explain the reasons behind this.

shukriya brother.

The word "beat" may easily be misunderstood to mean "torture", but its not the case here; different translations use slightly different wording to express the meaning.

Sahih International (4:34) "But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand."

As explained in Syed's post; this beating could be as light and painless as with a handkerchief.

Looking at an example given in the Quran (38:41-44):

And remember Our servant Job, when he called to his Lord, "Indeed, Satan has touched me with hardship and torment."
[So he was told], "Strike [the ground] with your foot; this is a [spring for] a cool bath and drink."
And We granted him his family and a like [number] with them as mercy from Us and a reminder for those of understanding.
[We said], "And take in your hand a bunch [of grass] and strike with it and do not break your oath." Indeed, We found him patient, an excellent servant. Indeed, he was one repeatedly turning back [to Allah ].

Ayyub, peace be upon him, got angry with his wife and was upset about something she had done, so he swore an oath that if Allah healed him, he would strike her with one hundred blows. When Allah healed him, how could her service, mercy, compassion and kindness be repaid with a beating. So Allah showed him a way out, which was to take a bundle of thin grass, with one hundred stems, and hit her with it once. Thus he fulfilled his oath and avoided breaking his vow. This was the solution and way out for one who had Taqwa of Allah and turned to Him in repentance.

:wa: