Did I wrong him?

[Ainayat]

Assalaam alaikum, brothers and sisters in islam,

Am gonna try to summurise my story, sorry if its very long.

I was previously engaged to a brother in islam but from different culture. I believe difference in culture is not the problem, it depends on the individual. but the engagement broke up.So many problems happened during this period of engagement.This brother was extremely jealous, that he would start spying on me. He would question me if i had ever slept with a man before, and this really upset me, coz i have always respected myself, but he didnt care.He would force me to stay awake and chat with him, and whenver i tell him, am tired i need to sleep he would get upset.once i told him that it is haraam for us to chat and he got really angry with me and said i was looking for excuses. He would demand that as soon as i come back from work i login in the computer and chat with him. I had no time for other things in my life.if i make a mistake of which sometimes i dont even know that its a mistake, he would shout at me and hang up the phone on my face.on the day of our engagement, Allah blessed him with a job in the town am living.
He joined the job after one month. He got angry with me and started shouting and stopped talking to me coz i never went to visit him,and my family never called him since he came to my country and it was over one week. I told him i go to work from 8 to 6, what time will i visit him, and also we are not married yet, that we should be that close. he started shouting and cursing my family that they disrespected him.He would always complain about his job, that its a low class job and pays less. to be honest it was a good job, and the pay thats the normal pay for every starter.Since i earn more than him, i agreed to pay the rent for our home and will help him in so many things at home, and promised him i wouldnt demand anything from him, all I need is love, care and peace in the house and a partner to guide me in my deen. He would complain alot about my dad, my family, and our "weired culture". He even refused me a wedding, then my mum requested for a small wedding just a gathering and my family will bear all the cost. According to our tradition, we dont have mixed weddings, we consider it as haram and shameful. He agreed to that. later he changed his mind and said no, he has to bring his male friends to the wedding. My parents tried to speak to him to explain to him but he never listened and he said if its not mixed, then no wedding and was shouting at my father. My dad was upset and he said my daughter, if this man is talking to me like this today, and stubborn like this now before marriage, i dought he will treat you any better. My heart is heavy about this thing, please listen to me your father,dont go ahead with this wedding.I listened to my dad and we callled of the engagement. This guy now blames my dad for breaking our wedding, and he cursed him and even called him a "gay" excuse my language. So many problems happened between us that i dont want to mention here as i dont want to bore you with it. I felt sad, but then i said alhamdulillah whatever Allah wills, will happen and maybe this was kheir for me. one month latter Allah blessed me with Umrah, and I performed Umrah with my parents alhamdulillah. My question is my dear brothers and sisters in islam, did i wrong this guy? did my dad do the right thing?please advise me, as i want to put this thing behind me and close the chapter.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Of course you didn't wrong him. No person in their right mind ought to marry somebody with the said behaviour.

 

[cat eyes]

he shouted at your parents. my gosh this man has some nerve. if hes like that now imagine what he will be like after marriage?

and look how he treats u already? id advise you to pray the istikhara but i think its already clear this man is not right for you.. i mean wanting a mixed wedding thats so non islamic

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Aslaamu`Alaaykum

Your Father said the right thing, he was rude and Dis-respectful towards your parents. How can you consider marrying someone like that?
You did the right thing about ending it all. If he cant respect your parents then he has no respect probably for his own Allahu Alam.And maybe annoy you all your life how your dad did this and that.etc.etc


Wa`Alaaykum Salaam

 

[Salahudeen]

Your father didn't wrong him the guy sounds like a loser who would've treated you like dirt after marriage. He has no one to blame but himself for his own rude childish behaviour. You were saved from a bad guy say alhamdulilah that your father had the wisdom to prevent the marriage taking place in the first place.

 

[Ainayat]

W.salaam warahmatullah, thanks for your reply, May Allah reward you. to be honest my heart felt lighter after engagement broke up, i did pray istikharah many times, i tried to do everything right, he even forced me not to go any where without informing him, and if once i went out and forgot to tell him, he would shout at me. once i went out to the souq to shop for bedsheets with my cousin sis, i informed him, and just 5 min after arriving at the souq, he called me and said go back home now, and come online. for no reason. I used to cry alot and every time i thought it would get better and thought maybe i was too sensitive. I did my best to make it work and Allah did the rest, alhamdulillah. I feel much better now from the responses i got,because he made me feel guilty that i ruined the marriage. I have cut off communication completely fwith him, and am just focusing in making myself closer to Allah and pleasing Allah only. Please remember me in your prayers inshallah. Jazak Allah kheir

 

[Salahudeen]

Yes guys like him like to make you feel bad and guilty so you come running back this is how they operate they play with your emotions. You shouldn't feel guilty at all when you have clearly done nothing wrong, it is him who lacks good manners and doesn't know how to treat people. Why should you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong, if he never behaved in such a shameful way then this wouldn't have happened. So it's entirely his own fault for behaving the way he did.

Don't feel guilty when it's all down to his actions that the marriage didn't work out.

 

[Ainayat]

Your father didn't wrong him the guy sounds like a loser who would've treated you like dirt after marriage. He has no one to blame but himself for his own rude childish behaviour. You were saved from a bad guy say alhamdulilah that your father had the wisdom to prevent the marriage taking place in the first place.

alhamdulillah, jazaka Allah kheir

 

[Ainayat]

Aslaamu`Alaaykum

Your Father said the right thing, he was rude and Dis-respectful towards your parents. How can you consider marrying someone like that?
You did the right thing about ending it all. If he cant respect your parents then he has no respect probably for his own Allahu Alam.And maybe annoy you all your life how your dad did this and that.etc.etc


Wa`Alaaykum Salaam

Jazakallah kheir sister, you are right.

 

[S_87]

if he acted like such an idiot BEFORE marriage then u definitely didnt wrong him.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalaam alaikum, brothers and sisters in islam,

Am gonna try to summurise my story, sorry if its very long.

I was previously engaged to a brother in islam but from different culture. I believe difference in culture is not the problem, it depends on the individual. but the engagement broke up.So many problems happened during this period of engagement.This brother was extremely jealous, that he would start spying on me. He would question me if i had ever slept with a man before, and this really upset me, coz i have always respected myself, but he didnt care.He would force me to stay awake and chat with him, and whenver i tell him, am tired i need to sleep he would get upset.once i told him that it is haraam for us to chat and he got really angry with me and said i was looking for excuses. He would demand that as soon as i come back from work i login in the computer and chat with him. I had no time for other things in my life.if i make a mistake of which sometimes i dont even know that its a mistake, he would shout at me and hang up the phone on my face.on the day of our engagement, Allah blessed him with a job in the town am living.
He joined the job after one month. He got angry with me and started shouting and stopped talking to me coz i never went to visit him,and my family never called him since he came to my country and it was over one week. I told him i go to work from 8 to 6, what time will i visit him, and also we are not married yet, that we should be that close. he started shouting and cursing my family that they disrespected him.He would always complain about his job, that its a low class job and pays less. to be honest it was a good job, and the pay thats the normal pay for every starter.Since i earn more than him, i agreed to pay the rent for our home and will help him in so many things at home, and promised him i wouldnt demand anything from him, all I need is love, care and peace in the house and a partner to guide me in my deen. He would complain alot about my dad, my family, and our "weired culture". He even refused me a wedding, then my mum requested for a small wedding just a gathering and my family will bear all the cost. According to our tradition, we dont have mixed weddings, we consider it as haram and shameful. He agreed to that. later he changed his mind and said no, he has to bring his male friends to the wedding. My parents tried to speak to him to explain to him but he never listened and he said if its not mixed, then no wedding and was shouting at my father. My dad was upset and he said my daughter, if this man is talking to me like this today, and stubborn like this now before marriage, i dought he will treat you any better. My heart is heavy about this thing, please listen to me your father,dont go ahead with this wedding.I listened to my dad and we callled of the engagement. This guy now blames my dad for breaking our wedding, and he cursed him and even called him a "gay" excuse my language. So many problems happened between us that i dont want to mention here as i dont want to bore you with it. I felt sad, but then i said alhamdulillah whatever Allah wills, will happen and maybe this was kheir for me. one month latter Allah blessed me with Umrah, and I performed Umrah with my parents alhamdulillah. My question is my dear brothers and sisters in islam, did i wrong this guy? did my dad do the right thing?please advise me, as i want to put this thing behind me and close the chapter.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issue with us. Firstly sister you should never have been in touch with him or interacted with the way you did whilst you were engaged to him because an engagement does not make it permissable to intereact with the person. Secondly sister this is one of the worst kind of people anyone could marry. He is so paranoid and possessive it is unbelievable clearly indicating that he himself is insecure and maybe hiding something himself. He is also stubborn and always wants his way and no other way. He was clearly walking all over you and would have totally dominated you in marriage where you would not even be able to speak without him saying speak. Also the fact that he wanted a haraam wedding and was insistant on it.

You should have seen the signs then and walked away from this marriage immediatley. The way he disrespected your parents, was so possessive over you even before marriage and it was also clear that he did not trust you for how can one go into a marriage with someone who does not trust their partner? You are so lucky that you did not marry him for you would have gone through hell and back and ended up a divorcee. I don't know how you tolerated so much from this person before you finally broke the engagement off.

Let this be lesson to you sister firstly never to marry a guy who wants to interact with you before marriage. If a guy says to you he wants to speak to your Wali first and then interact with you ONLY through your wali then you know he is the right person to marry but if he wants to have a relationship or get to know you before marriage without presence of a wali then you know he is not the right person.

May Allah find you a pious partner who will lead you towards Jannah and will trust you and treat you the best and not someone like this guy who would have treated you the worst and kept you at home like a prisoner not letting you out of his sight because he was so insecure and did'nt trust you.

Your father knew that he would have treated you the worst and that is why he emphasised that you break off the engagement. If anything this guy totally wronged you but you tolerated it to the extreme even when he was telling you to constantly do things that were forbidden in Islam.

My sister you should thank Allah abundantly for saving you from such a person for you would have lived a miserable existance with him.

That was the past now sister so learn from it and do things right this time around. At least you know what kind of partner your looking for now. Concentrate on bettering yourself this Ramadan and getting closer to Allah. Please remember me in your dua to.

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

if you married him you would have wronged yourself and your family

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Salam

Funny, how he can’t even keep his mask on until marriage. Count yourself lucky or otherwise you would have put yourself through life of hell.

And while you are at it, do get other brothers to try and change him by teaching him Islam and manners before he puts another poor woman through this.

:bravo: for getting rid of him. May Allah :saws1: guide him. Ameen

 

[جوري]

agree with everyone here.. couldn't read past two lines without getting infuriated .. al7mdlillah Allah swt lead you down the right path!

 

[Ainayat]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issue with us. Firstly sister you should never have been in touch with him or interacted with the way you did whilst you were engaged to him because an engagement does not make it permissable to intereact with the person. Secondly sister this is one of the worst kind of people anyone could marry. He is so paranoid and possessive it is unbelievable clearly indicating that he himself is insecure and maybe hiding something himself. He is also stubborn and always wants his way and no other way. He was clearly walking all over you and would have totally dominated you in marriage where you would not even be able to speak without him saying speak. Also the fact that he wanted a haraam wedding and was insistant on it.

You should have seen the signs then and walked away from this marriage immediatley. The way he disrespected your parents, was so possessive over you even before marriage and it was also clear that he did not trust you for how can one go into a marriage with someone who does not trust their partner? You are so lucky that you did not marry him for you would have gone through hell and back and ended up a divorcee. I don't know how you tolerated so much from this person before you finally broke the engagement off.

Let this be lesson to you sister firstly never to marry a guy who wants to interact with you before marriage. If a guy says to you he wants to speak to your Wali first and then interact with you ONLY through your wali then you know he is the right person to marry but if he wants to have a relationship or get to know you before marriage without presence of a wali then you know he is not the right person.

May Allah find you a pious partner who will lead you towards Jannah and will trust you and treat you the best and not someone like this guy who would have treated you the worst and kept you at home like a prisoner not letting you out of his sight because he was so insecure and did'nt trust you.

Your father knew that he would have treated you the worst and that is why he emphasised that you break off the engagement. If anything this guy totally wronged you but you tolerated it to the extreme even when he was telling you to constantly do things that were forbidden in Islam.

My sister you should thank Allah abundantly for saving you from such a person for you would have lived a miserable existance with him.

That was the past now sister so learn from it and do things right this time around. At least you know what kind of partner your looking for now. Concentrate on bettering yourself this Ramadan and getting closer to Allah. Please remember me in your dua to.

And Allah knows best in all matters

Asssalaam alaikum brother,
Shukran for your reply, indeed i have learnt a lesson, and I thank Allah for saving me from this man, even after the mistake I made of talking to this man before marriage, Allah still saved me on time. alhamdulillah big time, There is non to be worshiped except Allah subhana wa ta3ala. I pray non of my sisters in islam to face what i faced with him, and I only survived because alhamdulillah am normally very patient with people, and i fooled myself that maybe he will change. I would once again like to thank everyone for their honest response, May Allah make you all happy, in this dunia and happiest in the akhera. May Allah accept all your du3as, salah's and saum in this holy month of Ramadan.

 

[Ainayat]

Re: Did I wrong him?----My update

Assalaam alaikum warahmatullah.

Thought of sharing my update with you all my sis and bros.

3 months after my wedding broke up, i got another proposal from a cousin. at first since i did not expect it, especially from my cousin, i wanted to reject it, but then i said before i say or do anything, let me pray istikharah. I did that few times and accepted the proposal. He is a good person deen wise and character wise,he is very calm alhamdulillah. I pray to Allah to create love between us, coz am not in love with him yet, I just like him. May Allah forgive me if what am feeling is wrong but I cant control how i feel. The wedding date has been set up alhamdulllah, and this time i feel at ease and have no tension at all alhamdulillah. my cousin and i have kept off communicating unless necessarry. and he never bothers me and he is very understanding
sometimes ibliis plays with my mind and i feel like calling my ex and tell him about the good news just to hurt him but i hold my self not to, I know Allah will pay back for me for all the things he did to hurt me.
I thank you all for your duas' and above all I thank Allah subhana wa taala for everything.
bless you all

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
Mashallah, alf mabrook. may allah grant you a beautiful marriage.

I pray to Allah to create love between us, coz am not in love with him yet, I just like him.

that makes sense becuase you have only known each other for a short time. you probably have a strong inclination towards one another, but not love-not yet anyway becuase you haven't properly given each other a "good reason" to love one another, despite your agreeing to marry one another. there's no real "medium" there yet that has allowed those feelings to occur.

i think that love and respect occurs (and i dont just mean in regards to marriage, but any relationship you have with anyone for example a friend, a sibling, etc)...those feelings of love and respect only grow for someone when you have shared your happiness and miseries with them...when they help you through life, etc etc. all those difficulties and happiness, etc we have in life are mediums which synthesize our love and respect for another individual...tell me, could you love your sibling if you didnt fight with him/her or share laughter with them? it would be very difficult for love to occur in such a case.

sometimes ibliis plays with my mind and i feel like calling my ex and tell him about the good news just to hurt him but i hold my self not to, I know Allah will pay back for me for all the things he did to hurt me.

i doubt he would even care...thats why he hurt you in the first place.

p.s why is your religion set to "christian?"

 

[Alpha Dude]

sometimes ibliis plays with my mind and i feel like calling my ex and tell him about the good news just to hurt him but i hold my self not to, I know Allah will pay back for me for all the things he did to hurt me.

What's done is done, no need to bring the past back again. This kind of behaviour could affect your future husband. Just leave the past where it is and move on.

 

[tigerkhan]

Re: Did I wrong him?----My update

Assalaam alaikum warahmatullah.

Thought of sharing my update with you all my sis and bros.

3 months after my wedding broke up, i got another proposal from a cousin. at first since i did not expect it, especially from my cousin, i wanted to reject it, but then i said before i say or do anything, let me pray istikharah. I did that few times and accepted the proposal. He is a good person deen wise and character wise,he is very calm alhamdulillah. I pray to Allah to create love between us, coz am not in love with him yet, I just like him. May Allah forgive me if what am feeling is wrong but I cant control how i feel. The wedding date has been set up alhamdulllah, and this time i feel at ease and have no tension at all alhamdulillah. my cousin and i have kept off communicating unless necessarry. and he never bothers me and he is very understanding
sometimes ibliis plays with my mind and i feel like calling my ex and tell him about the good news just to hurt him but i hold my self not to, I know Allah will pay back for me for all the things he did to hurt me.
I thank you all for your duas' and above all I thank Allah subhana wa taala for everything.
bless you all

whats ur religion sister. i think by mistake u select christian on profile.

 

[Ansariyah]

Leave this guy where he belongs, in the past. Consider that window shut. Focus on the new window that Allah opened for u.