broken sister

[Precious Star]

Salaams, everyone. I am new here. I am a 39-year old sister.
I have always been conscious of my faith and connection to God. I pray regularly and try to remain gratefull for everything God has given me.
Recently, I experienced a great deal of emotional suffering. I never got married or had proposals, it just never happened, no one was ever interested in me so i lived my life quietly, working hard, taking care of my parents etc. I then met someone, but he could not accept Islam, so we parted. I am broken hearted, that I found love so late in life but it could not materialize into a beneficial union. I prayed during Ramadan and Arafat that God show this man the way, I even pray that He gives us another chance so that I can show him the way to Islam. But I know that this will not come true, and this man is lost to me.
I pray constantly that God take away my sadness. I try everything in my power to forget - I exercise, talk to friends, see a counsellor --but still the sadness and pain remain in my heart. I wake up for tahajjud, I read Quran and sura Yasin and I really am immersing myself in constant ibadat. I give to the food bank. It has now been a few months, and this sadness and brokenheartedness is bringing me down, I can't get up. I wonder why, and if, God will answer my prayers and help me recover. I am facing my 40s now, I need to be strong - there may not be a husband or babies in my future. I need to be strong to deal with that, but I feel sometimes that for now, God's plan is that I remain emotionally scarred and wounded. What do you think? Do you think that eventually I will get better? Honestly, I have tried, I really have! But it all rests with God now. I pray everyday that he takes this man out of my heart and mind, because the pain of losing him -- and the lost promise of finally having a husband and babies -- is so overwhelming and is a shadow on my life.

 

[جوري]

sister there is no set age for marriage, people get married at all sorts of ages.. it isn't over until it is over, I have an aunt who married well into her forties, br. woodrow from this forum though I don't wish to embarrass him has gotten married in the sixth decade of life to a wonderful masha'Allah-- and most women I know who pursue a career or have a family responsibility marry in their thirties.. I know it is difficult especially so when all you want is for your pain to be quelled rather than hearing the usual run of the mill crap that people say.. so I'll tell you what my own sister tells me as my own life is quite dire at the moment.. put your faith in Allah swt completely and don't view the situation as a punishment or seeding and no harvest rather for the divine wisdom that we may not with our human mind understand..

My sister from this forum has also sent me this verse today and I really loved her gentle reminder as I was complaining to her of my own personal struggles and how people younger than me have this or that when I have worked so hard and can find no fruits to my hard work:


﴿وَلاَ تَمُدَّنَّ عَيْنَيْكَ إِلَى مَا مَتَّعْنَا بِهِ أَزْوَجاً مِّنْهُمْ زَهْرَةَ الْحَيَوةِ الدُّنْيَا لِنَفْتِنَهُمْ فِيهِ وَرِزْقُ رَبِّكَ خَيْرٌ وَأَبْقَى

"Nor strain thine eyes in longing for the things We have given for enjoyment to parties of them, the splendour of the life of this world, through which We test them: but the provision of thy Lord is better and more enduring." (Surah TaHa, 131) Yusuf Ali


so try to think of life in terms of you not in terms of relevance to someone else.. you are still very young-- you don't know what the next few months will bring.. Whenever things get too much for me I find that fasting really enables me to deal with the hardships better...

may Allah swt ease your affairs, grant you far better than what your heart desires, make you steadfast grant you patience and ease and the best of both worlds..

ameen

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam sis

welcome to the forum .

In my country , there are many women who are about 40 and 40 + and still unmarried . So , don't be upset . It's not that u are the only unmarried sis in the world.

May Allah grants what is best for u , Ameen.

 

[CosmicPathos]

sister, I once asked an old man a question in some masjid when i was traveling. I asked him "how can I know if my test is a punishment from Allah or a means of getting closer to Him?" He said "if your test increases your faith in Allah then its a blessing and if it makes you disappointed and hopeless and angry at Allah then it is punishment from Allah."

So, yes, your situation is not easy. it is heartbreaking. But if you let this situation make you disappointed in God, all the good that you have done will be wasted .... it will be ruined ... dont let temptations of desires make you loose what you have amassed in the last 40 years.

I hope that may Allah give you what you desire and if what you desire is not good for you then may Allah change your desires so that you wont even know how and why you began to feel differently.

 

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum Dearest Sister,


First, I must congratulate you for having so many blessings in terms of your deen, and duniya, mashaAllah. You worship Allah, to gain His pleasure, and you are serving your parents in their old age. If only you could see what rewards await those who serve their parents ukhti. You are so rich, MashaAllah! It is like you have a castle and mountains of wealth to go with it. Please don’t grieve for your loss when it is replaceable by something better , but not better than what Allah has already given you except in the deen. You are very lucky mashaAllah. Allah will reward the loss, of all His slaves who are grateful to Him no matter what condition Allah keeps them in. Then why be sad sis?

but I feel sometimes that for now, God's plan is that I remain emotionally scarred and wounded. What do you think?

Never! This is what shaytaan wants you to feel, dwell on, and destroy your imaan. Allah hasn’t planned suffering for anyone. If that man has been lost to you, it is because Allah has saved His slave, who strives to worship and please Him from the suffering she didn’t know was going to come to her through this relationship. A thing that appears good to us today, may become our worst nightmare tomorrow. But Allah is All Knowing, and when He prevents something from happening, it is because He knows that thing to be harmful to His obedient slaves.

As for our losses, trials and tribulations.. Even the best of Allah’s slaves are tested.
Allah says: "And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sâbirûn (the patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return. They are those on whom are the Salawât (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones." [Surah Al-Baqarah, 2: 155-156]

As I said before, Allah has blessed you by giving you the deen. Keep it safe ukhti, by submitting totally to the will of Allah by being content with whatever Allah has allowed to happen. That is true imaan sis. Allah will not let your patience, gratitude, and hope in His mercy go to waste.


Make dua for yourself, asking Allah to remove your distress and sorrow, and make you content with what he has willed for you. Here are some duas you can make inshaAllah.

Invocations in times of worry and grief

Allaahumma 'innee 'abduka, ibnu 'abdika, ibnu 'amatika, naasiyatee biyadika, maadhin fiyya hukmuka, 'adlun fiyya qadhaa'uka, 'as'aluka bikulli ismin huwa laka, sammayta bihi nafsaka, 'aw 'anzaltahu fee kitaabika, 'aw 'allamtahu 'ahadan min khalqika, 'awista'tharta bihi fee 'ilmil-ghaybi 'indaka, 'an taj'alal-Qur'aana rabee'a qalbee, wa noora sadree, wa jalaa'a huznee, wa thahaaba hammee .

O Allah, I am Your slave and the son of Your male slave and the son of your female slave . My forehead is in Your Hand (i.e. you have control over me) . Your Judgment upon me is assured and Your Decree concerning me is just . I ask You by every Name that You have named Yourself with , revealed in Your Book , taught any one of Your creation or kept unto Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You , to make the Qur'an the spring of my heart, and the light of my chest, the banisher of my sadness and the reliever of my distress.

Reference: Ahmad 1/391, and Al-Albani graded it authentic.

Allaahumma 'innee 'a'oothu bika minal-hammi walhazani, wal'ajzi walkasali, walbukhli waljubni, wa dhala'id-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijaal .

O Allah , I seek refuge in you from grief and sadness, from weakness and from laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from being overcome by debt and overpowered by men (i .e . others) .

Reference: Al-Bukhari 7/158. See also Al-Asqalani, Fathul-Bari 11/173.


Invocations for anguish - http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/Fortress/035.html



Subhan Allah wal hamdulillah wa la ilaha illAllahu wallahu akbar

 

[cat eyes]

39 is still young. pass your time caring for your family. remember your still blessed to have your parents. i know muslim men tend to be quite fussy when it comes to age. this sucks a lot. enjoy your life sis while you can. stop worrying just make dua.

 

[Insecured soul]

May allah azzawajal gives u the best in dunya and aakhirah, insha allah

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

please forgive me if the following comes across as blunt and offensive...i dont believe in giving airy fairy advise...advise is advise and sympathy is sympathy.

I need to be strong to deal with that, but I feel sometimes that for now, God's plan is that I remain emotionally scarred and wounded.

even if that was your qadr, is it such a bad thing? im not mocking your problem or saying that sadness is easy to deal with or that being sad is a good life to lead, but even if it was, is that such a bad thing? why is it a bad thing? doesn't the feeling of pain indicate a healthy heart? at-least you know where your hurt is coming from. some people have mental illnesses and dont even know it becuase that mental illness stops them from believing/knowing that there is something wrong with them. other people have severe anxiety problems...other people feel emotionally and mentally trapped...

What the problem is with us people sometimes is that we are impatient. we only seem to define happiness in one way. we only seem to confine happiness to one definition only and that is what appears on the outside...in other words if we are smiling, it must mean we are happy. we dont realize that in our sadness and misery we may be freeing ourselves in some other way.

Us people, we are indeed impatient and the problem doesn't necessarily arise with what may or may not happen to us, our problem may arise in that we dont realize our position in this life...

We all get scarred and wounded by something, and indeed the scars dont go away, but we can deal with them by putting band aids on them (i.e accepting qadr). we also can make dua that our pain is removed and that we are replaced with something better. we must always remember that no matter how difficult our trials are, then there is always that higher being we seek help with. when there is dark, there is always light but you must let your misery and despair put out that light...for where will you go and what is after that light, expect for darkness.


and btw people get married young but have terrible marriages...so you can also think of the flip side of things. that sometimes helps.

all the best and may allah grant you a pious husband and children far better than what you ever dreamed of.

 

[~Raindrop~]

The following is from a sister who wishes to remain anonymous:



You might be surprised to know that you are not alone here in being your age, and being in your situation. I have in the past felt exactly as you do. You almost somehow feel you are an abnormal part of society. People view you differently. And, in some cases, you're seen as being over the hill, or your parents are viewed as either being failures, or too fussy etc.

While friends of my age are looking to get their own children married, we are not married ourselves. My male cousins who are over ten years younger than me, were married years ago and are having children, maashaAllah.

And, as you begin to draw ever closer to 40, these feelings really hit home hard. Why us? What will happen to us when our parents are no more? Will we spend our future all alone? The answer to these questions is that we simply don't know Allah's wisdom. It may be, that had we married, we might have wished that we were never married, it might have been that bad or abusive a marriage. Allah in His Infinite Wisdom knows what's best for us. And if it isn't good for us, no matter how badly we want it, we won't get it. What we will get however, inshaaAllah, if we don't see our du'aas visibly answered in the way we'd like them to be, is either some evil that would have otherwise befallen us averted from us, or we will get some other blessing for it, or the reward for having kept making the du3a and not having lost faith will be amassed for us in our scales in the hereafter, so much so, that we'd wish that none of our du'aas had ever been answered in this world!

So keep making du'aa, with full hope that they will be visibly answered. If you don't see them being answered, then have trust in Allah that He is not ignoring you, or being unmindful of you, and that none of your own efforts are going to waste, and that Allah will do what is best for you. You are doing the right things by looking after your parents, doing ibaadah etc. Keep on with this, and keep making du'aa. Regardless of the outcome, this may be a tremendous source of reward, inshaaAllah. And I know that feeling of thinking of what might have been, but it won't help in any way, so try to rid yourself of those thoughts. Allah may have better plans for you. Miracles can and do happen, you just never know what might be round the corner, even if culturally it might seem to be an impossibility.

I have come to realise that with or without a husband or children, I am still a person in my own right. And, that whatever happens, my Creator is looking after me, and will only give me, what He, in His infinite wisdom deems best for me, and that I should be content with that, for no one's care or concern is greater than that of Allah's for us, even if we can't see it or don't understand it.

I highly recommend the book, "Du'a, weapon of the believer" by Abu Ammaar Yasir Qadhi. It has helped me immensely and you can download it from here:

http://www.dhikrullah.com/knowledge/...-the-believer/

May Allah keep you strong and steadfast dear sister. Ameen.

Please forgive me if I have said anything wrong.
:wa:

 

[Muhaba]

whether a person gets married or not is fate and really nothing we can do about it. I have tried all i could to get married but it seems so far that it isn't in my fate and this saddens me but we must remember that we have to live our life according to what Allah wants so if He doesn't want marriage for us, then we must accept that. that doesn't mean we should stop trying, but we shouldn't be disheartened when we fail.

in your case, you should give up this man for Allah's sake, since he isn't a muslim, and Allah will reward you, maybe with a better man in this world or with rewards in the Hereafter. Remembr that for a muslim, there is the hope of the Aakhirah (Hereafter) and there will be a spouse for every muslim there, whether he/she was married in this world or not. spend your time trying to get closer to Allah and becoming a better Muslim. Do your best to learn this religion and spread it, as that is very much needed. At times i wonder if maybe by not getting married, i have more time to learn Islam and spread it to people. would i have time to do this if i was married and had children?

Know that Allah wants the best for us and He knows what we need.
I always remind myself of Prophet Ibrahim A.S. who wanted children all his life and didn't have one until he was past 80.

I hope Allah gives you the ability to serve His religion as well as a husband who is perfect for you.

 

[Precious Star]

What the problem is with us people sometimes is that we are impatient.
Us people, we are indeed impatient and the problem doesn't necessarily arise with what may or may not happen to us, our problem may arise in that we dont realize our position in this life...


Honestly, I am so grateful for everyone who has taken a few moments out of their lives to write here and respond to my post in an effort to help me. I am truly grateful to Allah SWT for your help.

About my situation....You know, i was strong for many years! Throughout my 20s and 30s, I just accepted my situation as God's decree, and that is why I focused on other things. Deep in my heart I wanted a family of my own, but I knew that as a muslim woman living in a non-muslim country, my chances were slim. My parents were unable to help me as they did not know how, and the internet thing has only taken off in recent years. So I accepted my qadr. I had moments of loneliness and even sadness, yes, but not the emotional pain I feel now. Now, i have loved and lost. The ONLY reason I pursued a "relationship" (there was no zina) with this man was because his family background was muslim and I honestly felt in my heart that Allah SWT would make it easier for me.

Please, don't be hard on me for succumbing to weakness at this point in my life. I guess after realizing that a husband and children was possible, and then very quickly losing that dream, all the strength that I had relied on for so many, many years, disappeared. I am struggling. I pray every day that Allah SWT listens to me, and helps me get through this. The moments of actual, deep-seated despair are starting to wax and wane, which is a relief, but the pain, the stabbing in my heart, is not going away. I asked my mother the other day: If God will answer my prayers only in the hereafter, then should i be looking forward to death? God wants us to have joy in this life and in the hereafter. I wonder sometimes, is it worthwhile to keep waiting for that joy in this life, or should I just resign myself and accept that I have to wait for the hereafter?

I am just thinking out loud here. I am in pain, that is why I am ruminating in this way. In the beginning, I used to pray to Allah SWT that he plants the seed of doubt in this man's heart and He return him to me when the time is right, but that this time it is for the best for me with a positive outcome that is filled with blessings for both of us. I don't make that prayer anymore, but, I know that God has heard it and if He wishes, he will grant it. After all, He states in the Quran that He has chosen mates for us, and He has put love in our heart for them. Allah may or may not put my love back in this man's heart. In the meantime, I am trying to forget, forget, forget, and not have regrets, and not focus on what would have been. But truly that is hard! Insha'Allah God will help me!!!!

 

[Abdul-Raouf]

Sister Your Lucky...ALLAH Tests those HE loves... Let the tests increase your Iman.

Mother Hajira.....she ran between the mountains several times....in search of water ..for her beloved son... one of the biggest test from ALLAH.... ALLAH liked her act...with Tests..there is Love from ALLAH.

Be Confident.

ALLAH will surely help HIS beloved Servant.

 

[Precious Star]

Thank you Brother Abdul-Raouff. Your post brought tears to my eyes. You know why? When I wasa little girl, the story of Abraham and Hajra in the desert was one of the first Quranic stories that i learned. I remember I wrote about it when I was in Sunday School at the mosque. Surely, there is a reason why Allah SWT is bringing it my attention - through you -- at this stage in my life!!!! Jazakallah.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

if you want that (any) particular thing, you should keep making dua for it. is he not in the least interested in Islam? couldn't someone give dawah to him on your behalf? perhaps his (or even your) family?

you have to keep soldiering on...that's just what bitter life is all about.

 

[Precious Star]

I have no contact with him anymore. He has met someone else. I do keep praying for him, but I also pray that Allah SWT brings me what is best for me in this life and in the hereafter. I don't think it is healthy to keep my hopes up, but anything is possible with Allah. Yes, all I can do is keep soldiering on. Thank yo ufor your help.

 

[Precious Star]

I had a long talk with my spiritual counsellor yesterday. He said I really need to let go of the memories and forget about my hopes of trying again with this man. So today is a new day, and I am really trying hard to control my thoughts! With Allah's help I will succeed. Perhaps, there will be good days in my future.

But friends, I am so down. I have a lump in my throat. I am at my office but I am overwhelmed by sadness. What can I do to help myself? What can I do to overcome these feelings? I am trying so hard, trying no to think about him and what could have been and what may never be.

I try to recite sura Fatiha in my head, and other small verses. I remember sura Inshirah "verily after difficulty there will be ease." Today and yesterday, these verses are not soothing my heart.

 

[TrueStranger]

I had a long talk with my spiritual counsellor yesterday. He said I really need to let go of the memories and forget about my hopes of trying again with this man. So today is a new day, and I am really trying hard to control my thoughts! With Allah's help I will succeed. Perhaps, there will be good days in my future.

But friends, I am so down. I have a lump in my throat. I am at my office but I am overwhelmed by sadness. What can I do to help myself? What can I do to overcome these feelings? I am trying so hard, trying no to think about him and what could have been and what may never be.

I try to recite sura Fatiha in my head, and other small verses. I remember sura Inshirah "verily after difficulty there will be ease." Today and yesterday, these verses are not soothing my heart.

Oooh, sister, nothing I say will change your mind, because your mind-set is not the one that needs to change but rather your heart and it takes time to change our hearts not logic or rationality. You might not believe me, but time will heal your aching heart and there will come a day when the pain and sadness you feel do that will not be felt. It might take months or even years, but Insha"Allah the sadness will disappear one day. In this world neither happiness nor sadness is permanent, everything including our emotions are temporary.


Salaam Aliakum

 

[Muhaba]

sister, let this be a lesson to you. don't get involved with someone whose religion is not satisfactory with the hope that some day he will become a better muslim. it will not happen. of course it may happen, but the possibility that it won't is too great and having your heart broken is not worth risking. you can preach to the people from a distance but it's best not to get involved with such people.

for now, try to figure out what options you have to get married. Are there any families you know who can introduce you to good muslim brothers who might be interested in geting married? Do the masajid /islamic centers have any matrimonial services? how about online matrimonial services. you wrote that internet matchmaking is recent, but that doesn't mean you can't still try to find a spouse using online matrimonial sites.

i hope you find a suitable spouse and happiness soon.

 

[tigerkhan]

i know muslim men tend to be quite fussy when it comes to age

i blv u should use "men" instead of "muslim men"... and what i blv in men category, muslims are much better than others...jazakAllah.

 

[tigerkhan]

Do your best to learn this religion and spread it, as that is very much needed. At times i wonder if maybe by not getting married, i have more time to learn Islam and spread it to people. would i have time to do this if i was married and had children?

amazing....what i blv is opposite to this. i blv being married u can learn and spread islam more efficently....!!!