How should we stop doing sinful things, gradually or all at once?

[Amoeba]

We aren't perfect and we make mistakes sometimes and we have weaknesses. Sometimes we sin and repent.

I'm thinking more about habitual sinning. Something that is so habitual that if you were to remove yourself from it you fear of losing your coherence and sanity (and during previous attempts that may already have happened). I have one example very close to me - a male friend. Nothing more than meeting and talking and some self-defence practice and sparring. Still very wrong but we're human beings and we get lonely when we don't have family support (not a suitable excuse, I'm well aware). I tolerate my family and be nice to them but I don't like them. I don't feel comforted or in good company around them, and I certainly don't turn to them for support when I'm in need of it since often they give bad and unislamic advice. I've never had a great relationship with my family, only a superficial one, so that comes as no surprise.

I still haven't quite figured out how to turn to Allah for support. Trying still leaves me with a very empty and distressed feeling. Although there is a certain level of comfort in my mind that Allah is always there it's only still budding and very basic, and in this physical lower reality there is no actual sensory stimulus or feedback that we humans tend to turn to other humans for. The lack of it is what I find myself unable to cope with.

The sisters don't provide what I need in that regard. I actually don't know why that is. They're nice and all but there just seems to be something missing. That feeling of being with another human being who can relate to you and who you know you can turn to and rely on, and who genuinely cares about you. I just don't get that with the sisters. There is only one human being in this word who I do feel that way about, and sadly he is male.

Basically I need to wean myself off this need of emotional support if I am to stop sinning by being alone with a male. Marriage isn't an option right now. Maybe, inshallah, in the future, but now right now. I tried for a little while just slowly weaning myself, but like an elastic band being pulled to its limit, it eventually snapped back in my face. I couldn't cope. Literally, my health totally declined. There were other factors in that involved too, such as stuff going on at home, but I don't doubt time spent away from this male caused some of the stress. It wasn't so much being away from that male, it was that in his absence there wasn't another human I could turn to who could offer even anywhere close to the same level of emotional support.

I need to get past this dependency on another human being for support, though. It's tearing me apart inside knowing that I'm sinning out of such shameful weakness, and I continue to do it again and again because I simply don't know what else to do. I'm frightened of what would happen if I were to cut ties with him entirely. I already have such bad physical health that I can't go out often any more, and my mental health isn't really much better and on top of that I've been unable to cope with being in the house alone or even with my grandmother for too long, it drives me to tears. I'm keeping my head above the water but barely.

Would it be better to just stop it altogether, tell him not to contact me again? Or do you reckon it would be healthier to slowly and gradually stop seeing him? I don't actually know what to do. Nor do I know how to become independent. I don't want to have to rely on anyone for emotional support. It sickens me. I hate crying every time I feel sad, wanting to not exist every time I can't cope, I hate being so weak. I feel so disgusted with myself. I have always hated myself and who I am. I have never ever found a likeable trait about myself.

People would say "oh no, no you're nice in this way and that way and..." NO! You're lying! I HATE when people lie to 'cheer you up' (which it doesn't anyway but that's not the point). I need PRACTICAL ADVICE to become a less disgusting human being, I don't need a false sense of reality instilled in me to fool me into thinking there's no hurry in bettering myself! I could die spontaneously within the next few seconds for all I know, of course I should be in a blooming hurry!

I guess this is why I get along with my male friend better than anyone else. He's brutally honest about pointing out things I'm doing wrong or when I'm being a jerk, even when it hurts my feelings, but I always see the good in it eventually and I do feel like a better person when he points out my flaws and weaknesses and pointing out what I need to change in such a way that I can clearly see where I'm going wrong and take a bit of control in actually finding a solution to the problem instead of fluffing me up to try to make me feel better. But he's not really so knowledgeable that he can help me with this solution as it's partially his problem too. I don't know how he feels about all this, whether or not he feels as ashamed as I do, I have no idea.

I don't know anyone else like that so I feel really alone when he's not around, even when I'm in lots of company. If I could find a sister like that, I think I could cope with cutting ties with this brother, but most of them (no offence intended) are too soft. Also, often when someone offers to set me up with someone it either never happens or that someone turns out to be far too soft/doesn't really know much anyway.

So, in summary, I don't know whether or not I should stop right now or soon. I just know I need to stop. But I don't know how to go about it without breaking myself down and that's what I need help on.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

for emotional support, its about believing in yourself...u have to love yourself forst, etc.
what u are doing by leaning to wards a companion of the opposite gender isnt helping ur cause, its just you are just channeling those needs in the wrong direction

 

[Amoeba]

Isn't loving ourself a bit... wrong and weird?

So which direction do you suggest I channel them to?

Hm... no? Oh well.

 

[aadil77]

The reason you don't get the same support from sisters is because you're mixing with people from the opposite gender, when you get attraction building up between the genders - people go to extra lengths to please each to other - if you know what I mean. You'll won't get that from sisters

If you're so attached to him that it affects your health when you're not together, islamically all you can do is get married (if he's muslim)

 

[Amoeba]

Not an option. I need advice on how to cope with separating. We don't really understand marriage and what it involves (I'm actually going to take a quick course on it), plus he and I are still learning to practice. It would be far too soon. Oh, and we can't get anyone to do the marriage for us. I don't have a wali either, nor anyone who can act as one.

Plus, he doesn't try to please me, in fact he often says things that need to be said with full knowledge that it may hurt me (for the better good in the long run). Otherwise he'd be complimenting me, he doesn't ever do that. But I guess that's besides the point. Well, it is the point because without him around I need someone who I can turn to who will be just as honest with me and help me like he does. Or, at the very least, learn to be that way towards myself, but I don't know how.

 

[aadil77]

Not an option. I need advice on how to cope with separating.

Plus, he doesn't try to please me. Otherwise he'd be complimenting me, he doesn't ever do that. But I guess that's besides the point.

Looks like you need someone else to take his place, since you two seem to be quite close its up to you to find out who that is.

Also occupying yourself can help you forget him, go out as often as possible with the sisters/friends - build up a bond with them, find other stuff to take up your time, don't sit around at home.

 

[Amoeba]

I try and try to contact sisters but very rarely do any of them respond and if they do they're normally busy. Plus I hate being in the company of women, I find it so dull and emotionally draining. So many trivial thing get said that don't need to be said, so much pointless, boring, unislamic, trivial discussion. Very occasionally I get invited to study sessions which are very unfufilling and leave me with a feeling of just wanting to get away from it, it rarely actually turns into a study session and more turns into a little giggly get-together AAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHFHFHFHGHGZHGSLDKNAFHL I HATE IT

I need to be independent. I've always had an inability to be independent and I NEED to be! I need to be able to be alone and be content with that. That's what I need advice on, really. How to cope with separation without needing to turn to anyone else!

Occupying myself is all well and fine, but with my poor health I have no option sometimes but to stay at home. That's why I need coping mechanisms.

 

[Woodrow]

Ukhti,

All things that became a part of our life tend to become habitual. That can be good or bad. But, when we find we have developed a habitual behavior that can be sinful or lead to sin we must break free from it. It can be a slow difficult process.

Habits themselves fulfill a need so in order to break free from them we must find halal means to satisfy that need or needs. It does take considerable action on our part and like trying to eat a whole loaf of bread we usually have to do it one slice at a time. As we have to learn what it is about it that we need to replace.

This may not be something you can do on your own. Of course du'as for sabr are essential, but you yourself have to take positive steps and for those you will most likely need support.

A little can be done online at sites such as:

http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/3117/1/Breaking-Bad-Habits---5-Simple-Steps-for-Changing-a-Habit/Page1.html

and

http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/four-steps-to-break-bad-habits-928568.html

Now to try to answer your basic question: It is best to break habits all at once. But very often we are unable to do so. Thisis very individual and personal. You can make the committment to break the habit immediatly, but that does not mean you can impliment it instantly. Often you will the support of trusted family or friends to help. Do not forget that Allaah(swt) is the all important one in this category and be certain to make your intent in doing so to be that of pleasing Allaah(swt)

My du'as are with you Ukhti and I am certain so are the du'as of others.

 

[S.Belle]

The sisters don't provide what I need in that regard. I actually don't know why that is. They're nice and all but there just seems to be something missing. That feeling of being with another human being who can relate to you and who you know you can turn to and rely on, and who genuinely cares about you. I just don't get that with the sisters. There is only one human being in this word who I do feel that way about, and sadly he is male.

It sounds to me like you need to marry, every person on God's green earth who is single gets this feeling...its normal.

I need to get past this dependency on another human being for support, though. It's tearing me apart inside knowing that I'm sinning out of such shameful weakness, and I continue to do it again and again because I simply don't know what else to do. I'm frightened of what would happen if I were to cut ties with him entirely.

Not to be harsh but why would you rely that much on a human being who makes mistakes and not in Allah the One who created you and who is flawless? I know being close to someone and relying on them is apart of being human but there is a certain point in which we cant rely on someone all the time. They will die one day so then who do you rely on once they are dead?
Allah may not call you on the phone and ask how your day was or invite you over for tea but He is there and instead of turning to your male friend turn to Allah. A sister once advised me to TALK to Allah not pray or ask Him of anything but to just talk to Him. I thought it was rather chessy but once I did it I felt loads better. Go to a place were you feel relaxed outside...under your blankets in bed...wherever you feel comfort and just tell Him how you are feeling, the things you did that day, the things that you hope to accomplish in the future, complaints, problems, etc. just literaty speak to Him. Of course He already knows all the above and more but it is just getting all of it off your chest and telling someone that will make you feel better. I think i read on one of your previous posts that you said that you dont really feel a connection with Allah, well this will help, He is our only true counselor who can help us no matter the situation the only thing that we have to have is have faith and trust in Allah.

Would it be better to just stop it altogether, tell him not to contact me again? Or do you reckon it would be healthier to slowly and gradually stop seeing him? I don't actually know what to do. Nor do I know how to become independent. I don't want to have to rely on anyone for emotional support. It sickens me. I hate crying every time I feel sad, wanting to not exist every time I can't cope, I hate being so weak. I feel so disgusted with myself. I have always hated myself and who I am. I have never ever found a likeable trait about myself

If he is muslim than he knows as well that your relationship is not halal. Just stop easier said than done and I know how you feel letting go is VERY hard but you have to do it and in doing so will make you strong. You may appear weak at that moment but as life goes on you will become stronger from this experience.
You need to learn to love yourself bc in the future when you do choose to marry how can you love someone else when you dont even love yourself? When people give you compliements or say nice things to you say Thank You dont just assume that they are only being nice to you well heck even if you feel that they are just being nice to you then hey that means they like you...you are a likeable person that they want to make feel better...isnt that a compliement itself? Who wants to help some "disgusting" person (as you say about yourself). You are a creation of Allah sis he has given us so many things in this world as subjects by His Will to us the oceans, plants, etc. Hey did he not even tell the angels to bow to our father Adam? Think a bit high of yourself (not saying be cocky but do establish a feeling that you are special and unique). If Allah was willing to give us these things then we as human beings must be worth something to Him. So if your creator was willing to do all theses things for you than you are worth something. Dont think so little of yourself and feel disgusted. Look at yourself in the mirror and just say hey i like this about myself or this is pretty on me and just deal with it. Because it is what we were given in this life and it isnt going to go anywhere so you may as well just learn to love and accept it.

I have already stated to you once that I am more than willing to be a friend to you and I still feel the same. But you cant rely on me like you do you male friend because you should rely that much on Allah.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Isn't loving ourself a bit... wrong and weird?

So which direction do you suggest I channel them to?

Hm... no? Oh well.

you know sis, if you dont like my advise, that's ok, but bloody heck grow up and show abit of maturity about it.

 

[Amoeba]

You know I came on here feeling really rough, confused and upset. Really needing advice. I really love the advice I was given by most people here. It's helping me see more clearly what direction I need to take. I don't have a lot to say about it yet except thank you to everyone because I'm still processing it (I'm a bit slow).

Then you, Ummu Sufyaan, come along and start being nasty. Why? Why is it "immature" for me to ask you for further elaboration on your original advice? Who even said I didn't like your advice? I couldn't form any opinion on it because I didn't understand it! Oh, I suppose it's "immature" to not understand something when you read it. Oh, how immature of me for asking for elaboration when I didn't understand something, I should have nodded and smiled and pretended I understood. That's what mature poeple do, isn't it? GET REAL.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

You know I came on here feeling really rough, confused and upset. Really needing advice. I really love the advice I was given by most people here. It's helping me see more clearly what direction I need to take. I don't have a lot to say about it yet except thank you to everyone because I'm still processing it (I'm a bit slow).

Then you, Ummu Sufyaan, come along and start being nasty. Why? Why is it "immature" for me to ask you for further elaboration on your original advice? Who even said I didn't like your advice? I couldn't form any opinion on it because I didn't understand it! Oh, I suppose it's "immature" to not understand something when you read it. Oh, how immature of me for asking for elaboration when I didn't understand something, I should have nodded and smiled and pretended I understood. That's what mature poeple do, isn't it? GET REAL.

oh please. yeah, act all victimized why dont you. want a dummy while you're at it.

if you didnt understand, maybe you should be about more direct about it. making (seemingly) sarcastic comments isnt included under that definition.

 

[Amoeba]

You're interpreting them as sarcastic, is that what the problem is?! I don't know how I could possibly have worded it any LESS sarcastic. Then again, I didn't anticipate that my post would even be interpreted as sarcastic, so I wasn't even thinking about it. I figured it was direct enough.

Stop reading into things so deeply that you're seeing things that aren't even there. While you're at it I suggest that you realise sarcasm doesn't transfer well over written/typed text, nor lack of it for that matter.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^ so its safe to assume that you said this for attention then?

Isn't loving ourself a bit... wrong and weird?

So which direction do you suggest I channel them to?

Hm... no? Oh well.

 

[Amoeba]

No, I said it because I saw you come on, read it, and go away again. I assumed you decided not to answer, so said "oh well". It wasn't sarcasm, sarcasm is saying the polar opposite of what you really mean for effect.

Seems perfectly fine to me, what's the problem with that? Are you going to tell me that offends you too?

Ugh, It's only 9:12 in the morning and I'm already emotionally drained. I've lost the will to care about this thread. I'm out of here.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i didnt answer becuase i was in a hurry then i came back to see your (seemingly) sarcastic comment.

you've clarified your point. i get it.

 

[Amoeba]

So, then what did your advice mean? I still would like to know if you're willing to clarify it.

 

[Yanal]

You should try and limit the contact you keep with him,don't isolate him completely at once because that won't be good for him or you in that matter but slowly cut the relationship down a bit. Slow and steady, so it won't hurt you as much when you'd doing it. Insha'Allaah Allaah will help you and may Allaah bless you and your family.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

the fact that you keep editing your posts suggests otherwise as do your pm's. what are you trying to prove and get at by taking a 360 degree turn around to look all civilized in public.

whatever, i dont care anymore. i know i can get in to fights with people i know my nature, but i will not stand to have myself played the fool.



if you sincerely did not mean any harm by your posts (or pm's) and therefore i have taken things the wrong way, then i sincerely apologize.

 

[Amoeba]

Yanal, thanks I feel like that's the only way it's going to work. I just don't know if it's islamically right or wrong to do that gradually instead of all at once, or even if there is any rules or regulations with regards to it. If anybody knows, that would be much appreciated.

Ummu Sufiyan, what is wrong now? I thought this had blown over! I've been honest from the start, I haven't taken any 360 degree turn arounds! Edited posts were additions. Nothing was taken out. *sigh* I am not "playing" you as the fool. What makes you think that? What makes you afraid that I even might be trying to do that? I don't think anyone here is reading this and thinking "Oh what a fool you are, Ummu Sufiyan". I'm sure they see an honest person making an honest misinterpretation of what someone else has said. I'm sure more poeple see me as the fool here, naturally, but I'm not going to jump the gun and think you're trying to play me the fool, because I really don't think you are.

I appreciate that you would apologise and I'm sorry if I have been harsh towards you over this misunderstanding. I don't want us to fight or argue, I hope that we can be friends.