I hate this man!

[anonymous]

I hope and pray that someone can help me with this problem. My sista lost her husband he left 3 children. My sister was finding it very hard to cope alone my parents sent me to live with her to help for a few months. I really want to help my sister in every way possible but I cant stand this man who comes over and calls himself our cousin but isnt even our first cousin hes just a relative we are NOT directly related. First time he spent the night I was deeply disturbed by that. My sister is not in the right state of mind at the moment, she doesnt want to tell a relative to get out of her home so she lets him stay and when it gets late and we are all going to bed he still sits in the living room so my sister feels sorry him and gets him blankets so he can sleep downstairs in the living room. He is basically taking advantage of all of us. I honestly thought that when he slept the first night that this would never happen again but he ended up staying the next night!

This guy is absolutely disgusting, he stares at me up and down, flirts openly. Im forced to be in hijab all day when he comes over I cant even be comfortable. My sister knows all of this, I've told her many times but she keeps saying 'he will never touch you'. My father is a very strict man if he finds out that his guy slept in our home he will personally destroy him. I have no probelm telling my father what happens in this house but isnt my sister suppose to be taking a stand! My sister is in her 30s and im in my teens so im waiting for her to do the right thing. I dont want to badmouth my grieving sister to my parents I dont think she will like it if I tell my parents. Why do I have to deal with this Bs!

This guy called tonight and claims he wants to spend time with my nieces & nephews BUT WHY? I dont like him. Why does he want to be around my niece and nephews I dont trust him. When he comes over he tells my niece to do splits, tells my sister to take my niece to a ballerina school! When I told him to stay out of my families business he said 'you are a extremist'. What right does he have to tell my niece to do splits, to lift her legs. I believe that hes a sick pervert. I watch every step he takes when he comes over. I am tired of playing the police, why do I have to deal with this? I had a wonderful life in my parents home. I want to go back to my parents and my family but since im on holiday now I am expected to keep my sister company.

I told him to get a freaking life and leave my family alone. He doesnt take me seriously he laughs at me. I hate him. He even made a nasty remark about me 'shes angry because of the hormones once she marries she will calm down'. I will never EVER forgive this nasty man. When the right time comes I will make sure that he pays big time!

My sister keeps saying 'he is a guest, we dont shun guests' a guest is someone who eats and leaves not someone who wants to spend the night.

After having a long serious discussion with my sister. He hasnt come over since a couple days but calls regularly, but so far my sister has been lying saying 'we have other guests we are busy'. She still cant be honest and just tell this idiot that we are muslims we dont let men into our home. I even told him oh so you want to visit family right? Go visit the men of this family, not the women. That includes calling us every day, I hate him.

Please help me, I need advice.

 

[جوري]

Just be upfront with him when he calls next, pick up the phone and say, it isn't appropriate for you to call here and it is Haram for you to sleep here and to take advantage of a widow. If he wants to visit his ''nieces and nephews'' he can do it when there is a mahram in the house.. my suspicion is he wants to marry your sister or something worse who knows..

but there is no reason to watch out for his feelings, I mean is he watching out for yours?

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Is this man homeless or does he just stay over for the sake of it? How old is he? Is he married?

Your sister may still be in a vulnerable state and that could be affecting her judgement. It isn't a good idea for non-mahram man to stay over at your sister's place, I actually would advise that you tell your parents. Your sis might resent that for a while but in the long run, it's for the best.

No need to get revenge on this guy or whatever. Just tell your father to have a word with him, hopefully that will make him stay away.

Make sure you check up on your sis from time to time to make sure he doesn't creep back.

 

[IslamicRevival]

I hope and pray that someone can help me with this problem. My sista lost her husband he left 3 children. My sister was finding it very hard to cope alone my parents sent me to live with her to help for a few months

May Allah Azzawajal make things easy for your sister and Family. Ameen

First time he spent the night I was deeply disturbed by that.

So you should be disturbed, What kind of 'cousin' [Male] would sleep over after knowing what your sister has been through? VERY strange

This guy is absolutely disgusting, he stares at me up and down, flirts openly

My father is a very strict man if he finds out that his guy slept in our home he will personally destroy him.

Sister, This man, whoever he is has an agenda, Inform your father before it gets out of hand.

...Prevention is better then cure

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
is there not a mahram man who can stay with you and your sister to sort this man out?

about your sister...you need to take proper steps here becuase she may get on the defensive. she may not see this man as you do so any emotional reaction from you (or your dad if/when you tell him) is going to cause her to go in the opposite direction. it may cause her to defend him and this will cause and give the means for this ill minded man to take advantage.

i suggest you do this. you need to put your word's in such a way that it will cause/compel your sister to accept your dad staying over (you need to get him to stay over whether she likes it or not). i dont know what you should do with your dad (i.e how you should tell him) but he needs to be at your sisters house none-the-less. i dont think its wise not to notify him of what is happening. imagine how bad he will feel that someone is hurting his daughter and it was hidden from him.

you should tell your sister that your dad is coming over, but you dont need to tell her why. the whole point of getting your dad over is just so that the guys gets lost and you and her and her kids feel safe. perhaps you can say something like "dad wants to spend time with the kids, etc" or something like that which isnt out of the ordinary.

dads like to help their daughters around the house so maybe she has things around the house that are broken and need fixing. you could also use this as a means of getting for him coming over. or perhaps you could say that you miss and want him to sleep over?


i feel you also may need to talk to your sister aswell. do you have a good relationship with her? perhaps she misses her husband and therefore she isnt cautious about who she lets in the house so you need to be there for moral and emotional support as-well.

 

[Muhaba]

this man seems to be taking advantage of your sisters situation. if he doesn't stop, tell your parents to intervene. let your father deal with him. if he truly cares about your sister and your neices and nephews, then he would wait till the end of her waiting period (4 months and 10 days after the death of the husbad) and then propose to your father in the proper manner. and he would never come to your sister's house because he isn't mahram to her.

 

[anonymous]

Just be upfront with him when he calls next, pick up the phone and say, it isn't appropriate for you to call here and it is Haram for you to sleep here and to take advantage of a widow. If he wants to visit his ''nieces and nephews'' he can do it when there is a mahram in the house.. my suspicion is he wants to marry your sister or something worse who knows..

but there is no reason to watch out for his feelings, I mean is he watching out for yours?

Jazakallahkhair for giving me help, you are right I too believe that he wants to marry my sister. It is no secret he actually made it known to her. He is not a good person he has a very twisted personality. I already told him in his face to stop coming to our home after the sunset. He always comes right after Maqrib which I find quite crazy. Normal people visit during day time and leave after their visit. Last night he called my sisters number I happened to be there I answered it. He had the nerve to tell me that he wants to visit us to see how we are doing. I was so angry, I told him that we dont need him to watch over us. That we have a family whos well capable of doing that just fine, I told him to save it. He then went on to 'indirectly' give me one of his cheeky insults towards my family. ''Left and right you are just like your father'' I knew right away that was an insult attempt so I told him to never speak of my father again. He is a shaytan, he knows that my father doesnt beat around the bush he tells it like it is thats why he hurled that indirect insult against me.

Afterwards he became all apologetic and tells me I misunderstood him. I couldnt listen to his non-sense any longer so I hang up on him.

Wa alaykum salam,

Is this man homeless or does he just stay over for the sake of it? How old is he? Is he married?

Your sister may still be in a vulnerable state and that could be affecting her judgement. It isn't a good idea for non-mahram man to stay over at your sister's place, I actually would advise that you tell your parents. Your sis might resent that for a while but in the long run, it's for the best.

No need to get revenge on this guy or whatever. Just tell your father to have a word with him, hopefully that will make him stay away.

Make sure you check up on your sis from time to time to make sure he doesn't creep back.

He does have his own home, he is not homeless. He is 27 unmarried. When he came over he would only stay downstairs never come upstairs. I did stay up all night I didnt feel comfortable to fall asleep. How am I suppose to sleep? Im very protective of my family I could not sleep knowing that individual was at our home.

May Allah Azzawajal make things easy for your sister and Family. Ameen

So you should be disturbed, What kind of 'cousin' [Male] would sleep over after knowing what your sister has been through? VERY strange



Sister, This man, whoever he is has an agenda, Inform your father before it gets out of hand.

...Prevention is better then cure

Ameen...

I'm definitely gonna tell my dad no doubt about it. I dont care where his lineage meets mine he is nuts. He always goes on and on about lineage. Like I care. I dont want to reveal his sins but he is a violent person by nature hes been in lots of trouble in the past. I dont want someone like that near us.

wa alaykum us-Salaam

is there not a mahram man who can stay with you and your sister to sort this man out?

about your sister...you need to take proper steps here becuase she may get on the defensive. she may not see this man as you do so any emotional reaction from you (or your dad if/when you tell him) is going to cause her to go in the opposite direction. it may cause her to defend him and this will cause and give the means for this ill minded man to take advantage.

i suggest you do this. you need to put your word's in such a way that it will cause/compel your sister to accept your dad staying over (you need to get him to stay over whether she likes it or not). i dont know what you should do with your dad (i.e how you should tell him) but he needs to be at your sisters house none-the-less. i dont think its wise not to notify him of what is happening. imagine how bad he will feel that someone is hurting his daughter and it was hidden from him.

you should tell your sister that your dad is coming over, but you dont need to tell her why. the whole point of getting your dad over is just so that the guys gets lost and you and her and her kids feel safe. perhaps you can say something like "dad wants to spend time with the kids, etc" or something like that which isnt out of the ordinary.

dads like to help their daughters around the house so maybe she has things around the house that are broken and need fixing. you could also use this as a means of getting for him coming over. or perhaps you could say that you miss and want him to sleep over?


i feel you also may need to talk to your sister aswell. do you have a good relationship with her? perhaps she misses her husband and therefore she isnt cautious about who she lets in the house so you need to be there for moral and emotional support as-well.

I am very close with my sister. I had a really nice conversation with her today, she is on my side and knows my intention. She said to me that she too doesnt like that he slept over but when he stayed and we were going to bed and he didnt have common sense to leave, she didnt know what to do she said.

this man seems to be taking advantage of your sisters situation. if he doesn't stop, tell your parents to intervene. let your father deal with him. if he truly cares about your sister and your neices and nephews, then he would wait till the end of her waiting period (4 months and 10 days after the death of the husbad) and then propose to your father in the proper manner. and he would never come to your sister's house because he isn't mahram to her.

My sister has a baby too that needs her. Shes a very strong person MASHALLAH but she doesnt want to say to say get out. After I hang the phone on him he called my sister again and asked why I am upset? My sister told him that its islamically & culturally not acceptable to sleep over at home where the women are not your blood sisters. Hopefully he will ge the point from now on but im still going to tell my father on him anyway.

I would like to say a big thank you to all and jazakallah khayr to all of you who took the time to advice me. I feel much better now after all your help. I did feel guilty that this went on while I was on these grounds. He can mess about all he likes but he aint messing about with my fmaily! I will see to it that this man gets what he deserves inshaAllah.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Assalaamu Alaaykum uktee

Im sorry to hear about your situation, especially when the family members dont understand, it angers and saddens you, subhaanAllaah!
Reading your post kinda made me angry, personally i would have just ignored his calls since hes a non mahram to you and your sister, as far as im aware from your post.

Firstly him calling you an extremist, that is not the way you speak to someone whether they are an extremist or not subhaan'Allaah, he needs to show respect or at least use respective words, especially since hes the 'guest' at someones home, and just to add no you are definetly not an extremist. Tell your sister that you are not comfortable with him staying over, and its not something bad to say No to him, it is up to the man to realise him staying over isnt permitted Islamically, if he understands that it means he fears Allaah.

Maybe if he comes to your house next time or rings, explain to him how your father wouldnt allow this, if he wants to meet his neices and nephews he may come when there is a mahram available if not then tell him hes not allowed and definetly not sleep over. As from my own personal understanding the mahram is the one who has power, when your their with no mahram its like living in a un safe environment. It is dangerous!

Also you need to explain to your sister about this, it is not a little matter it is a big matter and important. When one realises the importance of each matter and its made clear it is up to them to decide , it is a situation we should fear Allaah in and avoid as much as we are able to. insha'Allaah the advice you have recieved in this thread has benefited you.

i hope i helped a little bit insha'Allaah and forgive me if i have said anything wrong/bad.

peace

 

[Salahudeen]

Sometimes in life there arises situations where a man's intervention is needed, if it doesn't stop notify your father and he will take appropriate action inshaAllah. But explain to your sis that what this man is doing is haraam and is not pleasing to Allah and therefore she and you should not feel guilty about telling him to get lost.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I hope and pray that someone can help me with this problem. My sista lost her husband he left 3 children. My sister was finding it very hard to cope alone my parents sent me to live with her to help for a few months. I really want to help my sister in every way possible but I cant stand this man who comes over and calls himself our cousin but isnt even our first cousin hes just a relative we are NOT directly related. First time he spent the night I was deeply disturbed by that. My sister is not in the right state of mind at the moment, she doesnt want to tell a relative to get out of her home so she lets him stay and when it gets late and we are all going to bed he still sits in the living room so my sister feels sorry him and gets him blankets so he can sleep downstairs in the living room. He is basically taking advantage of all of us. I honestly thought that when he slept the first night that this would never happen again but he ended up staying the next night!

This guy is absolutely disgusting, he stares at me up and down, flirts openly. Im forced to be in hijab all day when he comes over I cant even be comfortable. My sister knows all of this, I've told her many times but she keeps saying 'he will never touch you'. My father is a very strict man if he finds out that his guy slept in our home he will personally destroy him. I have no probelm telling my father what happens in this house but isnt my sister suppose to be taking a stand! My sister is in her 30s and im in my teens so im waiting for her to do the right thing. I dont want to badmouth my grieving sister to my parents I dont think she will like it if I tell my parents. Why do I have to deal with this Bs!

This guy called tonight and claims he wants to spend time with my nieces & nephews BUT WHY? I dont like him. Why does he want to be around my niece and nephews I dont trust him. When he comes over he tells my niece to do splits, tells my sister to take my niece to a ballerina school! When I told him to stay out of my families business he said 'you are a extremist'. What right does he have to tell my niece to do splits, to lift her legs. I believe that hes a sick pervert. I watch every step he takes when he comes over. I am tired of playing the police, why do I have to deal with this? I had a wonderful life in my parents home. I want to go back to my parents and my family but since im on holiday now I am expected to keep my sister company.

I told him to get a freaking life and leave my family alone. He doesnt take me seriously he laughs at me. I hate him. He even made a nasty remark about me 'shes angry because of the hormones once she marries she will calm down'. I will never EVER forgive this nasty man. When the right time comes I will make sure that he pays big time!

My sister keeps saying 'he is a guest, we dont shun guests' a guest is someone who eats and leaves not someone who wants to spend the night.

After having a long serious discussion with my sister. He hasnt come over since a couple days but calls regularly, but so far my sister has been lying saying 'we have other guests we are busy'. She still cant be honest and just tell this idiot that we are muslims we dont let men into our home. I even told him oh so you want to visit family right? Go visit the men of this family, not the women. That includes calling us every day, I hate him.

Please help me, I need advice.

Asalaamu Alaikum sister how are things at the moment?