Relationship with non- Muslim please help

[Mus Din]

Salam a laykum Brothers and Sisters

First post so bare with me!

I started to practice Islam 3 months ago. I was born to Turkish parents, who although say they are Muslim have never practiced islam. I knew for some time that I wanted to practice this beautiful religion, and Alhamdillulah now I am trying my best and found it.

Before I started to practice, I was living a typical western way of life, and had a girlfriend, who I am still with, she is English. We have a 2 month old baby girl together. Neither of us were chaste when we met. She knew I was born a Muslim but as I never practiced saw me differently. Now I have told her about my decision to be a practicing Muslim. At first she was very hostile, mainly due to ignorance. She insulted me and immediately said that she will never become a Muslim and she doesn't want our daughter being brought up as a Muslim.

She has now become more accepting of my choice and has no problem with me praying and reading Qu'ran etc, as long as I keep it to myself.I have tried to educate her about this beautiful religion, not brainwash her, but she says she will never become a muslim. She says she is a christian but does not practice her religion. She wants to have our daughter christened and brought up as a christian which obviously I object to.

My questions are, Can I still stay with this girl? Is it still considered Zina even though I embraced Islam properly after I met her?

Am I obliged to bring our daughter up as a Muslim? Obviously I want this and I fear for my daughters future with her mothers western ways, and different morals.

Answers appreciated!

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Firstly I think you should speak to a scholar or your local iman. But no, you cannot stay with this woman, your girlfriend. Also, your daughter has her right to be with mother so I don’t think taking away your daughter from her mother is good idea. I think you have to be present in her life and make dawah to both (mother and daughter). Do following:

*see your daughter whenever you can (even if that means the weekend)

*support her and her mother by either giving money or buying the stuff they need and paying the bills yourself. If the mother does not allow this, then keep saving for your daughter.

*when she is 3 years old, explain to her that you do not believe in the same religion as her mother.

* take her out to the mosque when it is your turn to take care of her. Read bed time stories about the prophet (swt).

*you really need also work on your parents too. How do you expect your daughter to choose Islam if her grandparent don’t practice? Wouldn’t Islam be a greater influence on her if they were practising? Just a thought...

When she is old enough, it is up to her to make the decision whether she want to be a practising Muslim. If she chooses to not practice then you need to keep making dawah to her.
Also don’t forget to work on increasing your iman and speak to a scholar.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Salam a laykum Brothers and Sisters

First post so bare with me!

I started to practice Islam 3 months ago. I was born to Turkish parents, who although say they are Muslim have never practiced islam. I knew for some time that I wanted to practice this beautiful religion, and Alhamdillulah now I am trying my best and found it.

Before I started to practice, I was living a typical western way of life, and had a girlfriend, who I am still with, she is English. We have a 2 month old baby girl together. Neither of us were chaste when we met. She knew I was born a Muslim but as I never practiced saw me differently. Now I have told her about my decision to be a practicing Muslim. At first she was very hostile, mainly due to ignorance. She insulted me and immediately said that she will never become a Muslim and she doesn't want our daughter being brought up as a Muslim.

She has now become more accepting of my choice and has no problem with me praying and reading Qu'ran etc, as long as I keep it to myself.I have tried to educate her about this beautiful religion, not brainwash her, but she says she will never become a muslim. She says she is a christian but does not practice her religion. She wants to have our daughter christened and brought up as a christian which obviously I object to.

My questions are, Can I still stay with this girl? Is it still considered Zina even though I embraced Islam properly after I met her?

Am I obliged to bring our daughter up as a Muslim? Obviously I want this and I fear for my daughters future with her mothers western ways, and different morals.

Answers appreciated!

Rather than following the advice given by sweet106, she is not even close to being a scholar of Islam, why do not you contact an Imam/Muslim leader in the area that you live in? He will be better able to assess your situation and provide you with Islamic tips.

Regarding staying with this girlfriend, you cannot stay with any girl without marrying her. As a Muslim, you have to either marry her or leave her and repent to Allah swt as part of your practice of Islam.

Regarding your daughter, it is very good that you are thinking of raising her as a Muslim and not a Christian. Unfortunately, her mother's influence on her will most probably make her a Christian. You can ask the court to give you custody of your daughter in case you decide to leave this girlfriend and not marry her. Either way, contact the imam.

I hope that helped.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Unfortunately, her mother's influence on her will most probably make her a Christian.

children love their fathers as-well and that may have some type of influence.

---
brother thread starter, i also suggest you contact an imam.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Make plenty of dua for your daughter's guidance.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Firstly I think you should speak to a scholar or your local iman. But no, you cannot stay with this woman, your girlfriend. Also, your daughter has her right to be with mother so I don’t think taking away your daughter from her mother is good idea. I think you have to be present in her life and make dawah to both (mother and daughter). Do following:

*see your daughter whenever you can (even if that means the weekend)

*support her and her mother by either giving money or buying the stuff they need and paying the bills yourself. If the mother does not allow this, then keep saving for your daughter.

*when she is 3 years old, explain to her that you do not believe in the same religion as her mother.

* take her out to the mosque when it is your turn to take care of her. Read bed time stories about the prophet (swt).

*you really need also work on your parents too. How do you expect your daughter to choose Islam if her grandparent don’t practice? Wouldn’t Islam be a greater influence on her if they were practising? Just a thought...

When she is old enough, it is up to her to make the decision whether she want to be a practising Muslim. If she chooses to not practice then you need to keep making dawah to her.
Also don’t forget to work on increasing your iman and speak to a scholar.

Salam

You're saying that the mother automatically has to get the child and he should just accept his fate? Someone call fathers for justice.. :hmm:

 

[Mus Din]

jazak allah Khair for your replies.

I know taking a child away from it's mother is never a good thing as she carried her for 9 months and stuff. I would hate to do that, but I fear for my child. To at least see my child at weekends would be great.

I have spoken to my local imam, and he says to marry her islamically, and she does not want this. She has no intention of converting to islam. Another thing I didn't mention is that my girlfriend also has borderline personality disorder, and gets in moods where she can be violent and verbally abusive. She has been racist to e about islam, calling me terroist and arab etc. She has also threatened me with never seeing our daughter again. I also worry how capable she is as I am the one who wakes up at night to feed the baby and take care of the house etc. I do more than half of things.

I am going to London tommorow where I will visit a masjid where there is a scholar. I know it may just confirm what I already know. I know but sometimes hearing it twice can help? I guess I just feel sorry for her, but ultimately islam comes first.

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Rather than following the advice given by sweet106, she is not even close to being a scholar of Islam, why do not you contact an Imam/Muslim leader in the area that you live in? He will be better able to assess your situation and provide you with Islamic tips.

Regarding staying with this girlfriend, you cannot stay with any girl without marrying her. As a Muslim, you have to either marry her or leave her and repent to Allah swt as part of your practice of Islam.

Regarding your daughter, it is very good that you are thinking of raising her as a Muslim and not a Christian. Unfortunately, her mother's influence on her will most probably make her a Christian. You can ask the court to give you custody of your daughter in case you decide to leave this girlfriend and not marry her. Either way, contact the imam.

I hope that helped.

Btw i have good reasons to give the advise I gave!

1. The daughter has right to be with her mother
2. The mother has right to be with her daughter
3. I assume he live in a kuffur land therefore it is always most likely the mother will get FULL custody of her daughter.

And please stop indirectly replying to me here and other section of the forums. Thank you

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Salam

You're saying that the mother automatically has to get the child and he should just accept his fate? Someone call fathers for justice.. :hmm:

Why not? she was the one that carried her for nine month and went through pain. Also i had a logical reason why I gave my advise, the mother always get the children in the UK (i would know as i went via court and seen it myself). Even she is were to have mental health problems unless the father can prove she is a danger to her child.

Best regards

sweet106

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

jazak allah Khair for your replies.

I know taking a child away from it's mother is never a good thing as she carried her for 9 months and stuff. I would hate to do that, but I fear for my child. To at least see my child at weekends would be great.

I have spoken to my local imam, and he says to marry her islamically, and she does not want this. She has no intention of converting to islam. Another thing I didn't mention is that my girlfriend also has borderline personality disorder, and gets in moods where she can be violent and verbally abusive. She has been racist to e about islam, calling me terroist and arab etc. She has also threatened me with never seeing our daughter again. I also worry how capable she is as I am the one who wakes up at night to feed the baby and take care of the house etc. I do more than half of things.

I am going to London tommorow where I will visit a masjid where there is a scholar. I know it may just confirm what I already know. I know but sometimes hearing it twice can help? I guess I just feel sorry for her, but ultimately islam comes first.

Sorry if I made you feel sad. But my advice was purely practical and realistic. Also we only know your side of the story. I wish you the best during your visit with scholar.
Just try your best to remain calm and have a strong present in her life. Also, work on your parent too.

bye

 

[CosmicPathos]

Btw i have good reasons to give the advise I gave!

1. The daughter has right to be with her mother
2. The mother has right to be with her daughter
3. I assume he live in a kuffur land therefore it is always most likely the mother will get FULL custody of her daughter.

And please stop indirectly replying to me here and other section of the forums. Thank you

So father doenst have the right to be with the daughter? Daughter doenst have the right to be with him?

It was his fluid due to which she was able to carry her for 9 months.

 

[Muhaba]

it would be best to consult a scholar regarding your case.
my opinion are as follows:
you can't live with your girlfriend without marriage as that is zina but you can marry her as a muslim man is allowed to marry a christian women. if she refuses to marry you, then have a another female preach to her about islam. someone who has knowledge of the deen. possibly an imams wife. if your gf agrees to marry you while remaining a christian, you can preach to her about islam and pray that she accepts it. no matter what, you should do your best to raise the child a muslim as you are responsible for this child and don't want her to go to hell. pray that everything works out.

if your gf refuses to become muslim and refuses to allow you to raise the child a muslim, then you should consult a scholar on what to do.

 

[S.Belle]

jazak allah Khair for your replies.

I know taking a child away from it's mother is never a good thing as she carried her for 9 months and stuff. I would hate to do that, but I fear for my child. To at least see my child at weekends would be great.

I have spoken to my local imam, and he says to marry her islamically, and she does not want this. She has no intention of converting to islam. Another thing I didn't mention is that my girlfriend also has borderline personality disorder, and gets in moods where she can be violent and verbally abusive. She has been racist to e about islam, calling me terroist and arab etc. She has also threatened me with never seeing our daughter again. I also worry how capable she is as I am the one who wakes up at night to feed the baby and take care of the house etc. I do more than half of things.

I am going to London tommorow where I will visit a masjid where there is a scholar. I know it may just confirm what I already know. I know but sometimes hearing it twice can help? I guess I just feel sorry for her, but ultimately islam comes first.

as everyone else has advised you should go see a scholar
if you and ur gf cant marry than maybe you should look into getting custody of your daughter if you fear so much for her future. You say that the mother has a "borderline personality disorder", if you can prove that your gf isnt stable enough to care for your daugther you will most likely get custody. Just let her mother have visitations.

In the end it isnt a matter of taking a child from their mother or from their father its about placing the child with the parent that is more stable and can provide for them.


A woman approached the Prophet telling him that her husband had embraced Islam while she had refused to do so, adding that her daughter was being deprived of mother's milk as her father was taking her away. The Prophet made the child sit between mother and father and said both of them should call her. The child would go to whoever she chose. The child responded to the mother. The Prophet prayed to Allah to guide the child and the child then chose the father, and hence Rafi (the father) took the child (Hadith: Abu Dawud)3

http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/w_roles_ideals.htm

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

So father doenst have the right to be with the daughter? Daughter doenst have the right to be with him?

It was his fluid due to which she was able to carry her for 9 months.

fluid (which was obtain via pleasure rather than pain?) compare that to the duration of labour pain and discomfort that last months. Just a thought...

And how bad would either parent look if they were to take the child away from each other. At the end of the day, we dont know the full story here. The woman even with mental health condition is still most likely to get full custody unless he can prove she is unstable and that takes more than his words. Just because someone has mental health problems does not mean there are unfit parent. I just gave practical advise and here you are jumping on my back as usual. btw dont bother replying back, I no longer want to exchange words with you. Please respect that.

Now that he seeking scholar's advise, this topic should be closed.

best regards

sweet106

 

[Mus Din]

I totally understand what the sister said about only knowing my side of the story.

And I have no plans to 'take my child away' from her mother.

I just want whats best for her. I guess all I can do is show her when she gets older the wonderful morals and peace with one's self that Islam brings. To clarify, my girlfriend does NOT want to be a muslim and I have tried to educate her in a nice way. She feels very strongly about our daughter NOT being brought up as a muslim.

What gets me is that my girlfriend mocks Islam with comments here and there, racist and hurtful comments. She is monitered by a mental health team who come to see how she is getting on in early motherhood, and believe me or not I do 99% of the work, feeding her, taking care of the house etc, thats why I worry how she will cope alone. I am due to start full time study soon aswell along with work. Every time I leave she seems to struggle. She attacks my mother and father for being ethnic and can be violent.

Another thing is that I worry that this relationship will get in the way of me practicing Islam, and I know it's a bit of a way down the line but how will I feel in 6 months when the baby is eating solids and My girlfriend is giving her haram foods, ham etc. Maybe I have no power over this? I don't know. One thing is for sure I have realised why zina is such a grave sin! I have a beautiful daughter and every prayer I make du'a for Allah SWT to guide her to the siratal al mustaqim.

I cannot wait to see the scholar tommorow!

Jazak Allah Khair

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I totally understand what the sister said about only knowing my side of the story.

And I have no plans to 'take my child away' from her mother.

I just want whats best for her. I guess all I can do is show her when she gets older the wonderful morals and peace with one's self that Islam brings. To clarify, my girlfriend does NOT want to be a muslim and I have tried to educate her in a nice way. She feels very strongly about our daughter NOT being brought up as a muslim.

What gets me is that my girlfriend mocks Islam with comments here and there, racist and hurtful comments. She is monitered by a mental health team who come to see how she is getting on in early motherhood, and believe me or not I do 99% of the work, feeding her, taking care of the house etc, thats why I worry how she will cope alone. I am due to start full time study soon aswell along with work. Every time I leave she seems to struggle. She attacks my mother and father for being ethnic and can be violent.

Another thing is that I worry that this relationship will get in the way of me practicing Islam, and I know it's a bit of a way down the line but how will I feel in 6 months when the baby is eating solids and My girlfriend is giving her haram foods, ham etc. Maybe I have no power over this? I don't know. One thing is for sure I have realised why zina is such a grave sin! I have a beautiful daughter and every prayer I make du'a for Allah SWT to guide her to the siratal al mustaqim.

I cannot wait to see the scholar tommorow!

Jazak Allah Khair

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your sensative issues with us. Certainly my brother you realise now why sexual relations out of wedlock comes with grave consequances. Your situation is also very difficult because if you leave her then there is a big risk that she could feed your daughter haraam and bring her up with un-Islamic morals and values but if your stay with her then it may not be good for your imaan and deen.

Certainly you should see a reliable and experienced scholar about this matter. I personally spoke to a revert brother about your issue after Jumma today and although he does not know the ins and outs of your issue and about your partners personality disorder he told me the following:

I went through kind of the same sort of experience when i was going out with my partner who was an orthodox Greek Christian. Although she was not the most practising Christian her family were. They put a lot of pressure on her to establish Christian practices in her childrens lives. I had to be very patient with her and although it was very difficult i never lost hope. Now alhamdulillah i bring up my children with Islamic values and morals although my wife is still Christian.

What i would say to this brother is that he should certainly marry her because he will never gain any blessings until he makes things legitamate between them two. Once he marries her then Allah may give him more blessings in his dawah to his partner. He should continue exploring the dawah avenue. He should not just leave her and let her bring up the daughter in a haraam way but he should marry her and continue to be patient and give her dawah in a kind and gentle manner using wisdom and tact.

He should not always pester her with dawah but pick the right times. Like if a certain programme comes on or he is out walking with her somewhere etc as he would know when the right time is. He should show her the benefit Islami has had on himself and what benefit Islamic will have in his daughters life as well as her life. Slowly all her misconceptions will go but it will take time and he will certainly be tested. Maybe this is a test for him but he should not give up hope. He should make lots of dua whilst he is married to her that Allah gives her guidance and brings her daughter up as a good Muslimah. He should never lose hope and never comprimise that she should ever be brought up in another way.

This was the advice the revert brother gave me earlier on with regards to your situation. However he does not know about your partners mental condition and instability or what she is like as a person but just knows the general situation.

So you should certainly talk to this scholar properly and thoroughly about your matter and make isthikhara a few times begging of Allah for help and guidance in this matter knowing in your heart that Allah will help you or do what is best for you and your daughter in this matter. You should wake up at tahajjaud time and also beg of Allah for help in this and cry to him for Allah tends to his crying slave faster than a mother tends to its crying baby.

Whatever happens i pray happens for the best for you and your daughter and i also pray that Allah gives guidance to yuor partner. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[Mus Din]

Asalaamu alaikum brother Hamza thankyou so much for your beautiful reply.

Would the marriage have to be done Islamicly?

There is not a big islamic community where I live, there is a small masjid here and the imam there said marry her or move on basically.

I just worry that if she didn't revert, then I would be 'stuck' But yes, this could be a great test for me.

Insha Allah tommorow things will be clearer. Insha Allah there will be a scholar or a brother of great knowledge available to help me tommorow as I am going to London for the weekend. I will go into Regents park masjid (London Central Mosque) and see.

Jazak Allah Khair

 

[Mus Din]

Asalaamu alaikum

I am back from my trip to London and spoke with a respectable imam/scholar.

He confirmed that staying with this girl without marriage would indeed be zina, and asked me if I really want to marry her, to which I said no. Something just doesn't feel right.

Also there is uncertainty about her being a kitaabi/people of the book as she says she is christian one day and atheist or buddhist the next.

In relation to what brother Hamza said, The imam said that having custody of my daughter/weekend access could be better for my deen, and to educate my daughter about Islam as it would just be 'our time' without interference. He described that all this could be a 'sign'.

He couldn't really help much on the mental illness she suffers from, however I have professionals advising me on this matter inshallah. The trouble is that I would be living with her illness, which can be very destructive, and I worry for my daughter, as her mother needs the appropriate therapy in order to get well.

Inshallah everything will be ok. It's going to be a tough week!

I will sit down and talk to her about this.

 

[CosmicPathos]

fluid (which was obtain via pleasure rather than pain?) compare that to the duration of labour pain and discomfort that last months. Just a thought...

And how bad would either parent look if they were to take the child away from each other. At the end of the day, we dont know the full story here. The woman even with mental health condition is still most likely to get full custody unless he can prove she is unstable and that takes more than his words. Just because someone has mental health problems does not mean there are unfit parent. I just gave practical advise and here you are jumping on my back as usual. btw dont bother replying back, I no longer want to exchange words with you. Please respect that.

Now that he seeking scholar's advise, this topic should be closed.

best regards

sweet106

what you are perceiving as pleasure might be a pain, the pain of loosing one's fluid. I dont want to argue with you anymore.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Asalaamu alaikum

I am back from my trip to London and spoke with a respectable imam/scholar.

He confirmed that staying with this girl without marriage would indeed be zina, and asked me if I really want to marry her, to which I said no. Something just doesn't feel right.

Also there is uncertainty about her being a kitaabi/people of the book as she says she is christian one day and atheist or buddhist the next.

In relation to what brother Hamza said, The imam said that having custody of my daughter/weekend access could be better for my deen, and to educate my daughter about Islam as it would just be 'our time' without interference. He described that all this could be a 'sign'.

He couldn't really help much on the mental illness she suffers from, however I have professionals advising me on this matter inshallah. The trouble is that I would be living with her illness, which can be very destructive, and I worry for my daughter, as her mother needs the appropriate therapy in order to get well.

Inshallah everything will be ok. It's going to be a tough week!

I will sit down and talk to her about this.

walaikum assalam,

It is very good to haer that you visit to London allowed you to get one step closer to your decision. I hope you make a decision which is best for your deen and dunya and your daughters deen and dunya.