Disciplinary

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^disciplining children to practice Islam is probably one of the most difficult. i think sometimes parents feel bad if they use abit of strictness when trying to get their kids to practice becuase they feel bad and fear that they are making it difficult on the child...but they often forget that , although the child doesn't realize it, it does him/her great favors later on and in fact, such as avoiding the child becoming lazy and not taking the deen seriously.

it would be a struggle not to have it properly "ingrained" from the beginning.

 

[Ummshareef]

^disciplining children to practice Islam is probably one of the most difficult. i think sometimes parents feel bad if they use abit of strictness when trying to get their kids to practice becuase they feel bad and fear that they are making it difficult on the child...but they often forget that , although the child doesn't realize it, it does him/her great favors later on and in fact, such as avoiding the child becoming lazy and not taking the deen seriously.

it would be a struggle not to have it properly "ingrained" from the beginning.

Yes I fully agree. As parents we frequently face the dilemma of either being strict with our kids in order to ensure adherence to Islam, which might result in resentment and disenchantment with our Deen, if they think they’ve been wrongly treated, or alternatively, being laid back, which can lead to the child straying from the bounds of Islam with potentially disastrous consequences, subhanallah.

As with everything, though, Islam has the answers and the Quran and Sunnah provide good guidance to parents alhumdulillah. In our household, Islamic study is a top priority (for both kids and parents!) so the children are acquiring a good understanding of Islam alhumdulillah and how rasulullah (may the peace and blessings of Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala be upon him) behaved in certain situations and have no excuse now, say, for missing salah or poor manners around the opposite gender. We keep a close eye on them to ensure that they stay on the Path, admonish them for any mistakes and, if necessary, apply a scale of short, sharp punishments, within Shariah limits of course.

And yes, it is much easier to ingrain good Islamic behaviour in kids from a young age, than to try to correct it later. I see much evidence for that in the streets around where I live, subhanallah.

 

[AslamP]

There should absolutely be no beating! Children should be respected so they learn respect; giving time out or grounding them from something they like is a good form of discipline. Talk to your children from an early age; give them assigned duties around the house, explain things to them as their growing up. Don't let the TV babysit your children. Learn to listen to your children as well as sharing your knowledge with them. Make their growing up a wonderful experience; trust me, at the end, it'll all come back to you in many folds of blessings. Life goes by too fast, enjoy your children, otherwise, please don't have them.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

I've never seen time outs or grounding work. If it works on your children, then youre lucky.

 

[Ummshareef]

I've never seen time outs or grounding work. If it works on your children, then youre lucky.

Exactly. These are modern punishments that do not have any basis in the Sunnah and simply don't work. If we throw away all the modern western parenting books and look to the Qu'ran and authentic ahadith for guidance on how to bring up our kids then we will be blessed with wonderful young members of the Ummah, insha'allah.

 

[mammyluty]

i have seen children who are super naughty and no matter how serious there parent is,they just take a mick out of it.i think smacking does a good job to give that shock that sometimes somethings jsut cant be done.and by smacking i dont mean giving a child a slap on face or hitting with a shoe rather like a belt on the bum or a slap on his back of his head.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Exactly. These are modern punishments that do not have any basis in the Sunnah and simply don't work. If we throw away all the modern western parenting books and look to the Qu'ran and authentic ahadith for guidance on how to bring up our kids then we will be blessed with wonderful young members of the Ummah, insha'allah.

Right. What can be better than what is made mention in the deen? Alhamdulillaah.

InshaAllaah sis

 

[elina]

AsSaalamu Aalaykum WarahmatAllah wabarakatuh,

I just wanted to know your views on your limits of disciplinary- as a parent. Would you raise your hand at your child if they had done something out of line..? Should children have that 'beating' so they know not to cross the line? Do you think having this sort of discipline helps the child when they become older to be a better person? Please share your thoughts insha-Allah.

Ive got 2 grown up kids....i found when they were younger that removing privileges was the best thing to do when they had been naughty, also reasoning with them, even when they are fairly young can work too..... as they grew up i still used the removing privileges, it worked well most of the time, though i have been pretty mean when they occasionally did something out of order and told them they couldnt watch tv for a year and had to back down lol

 

[syilla]

salams i've not go through of each everyone replies but from my view it really depending on the type children, situations and the type of family. its easy for the family with children with better behavior to tell that the other mother is too stern and strict and vice versa. and also if the family is used to stricter up bringing and children understand it all well. but whatever upbringing is very important to the children to be told what is what is wrong and never let them get away with it without naseehah and understanding the moral lesson learnt.

these things are not general practices that everyone should follow. bare in mind most parents do it by try and error but the best parents are those who reads, discuss with other parents group and also from their own parents

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^disciplining children to practice Islam is probably one of the most difficult. i think sometimes parents feel bad if they use abit of strictness when trying to get their kids to practice becuase they feel bad and fear that they are making it difficult on the child...but they often forget that , although the child doesn't realize it, it does him/her great favors later on and in fact, such as avoiding the child becoming lazy and not taking the deen seriously.

it would be a struggle not to have it properly "ingrained" from the beginning.

Yes I fully agree. As parents we frequently face the dilemma of either being strict with our kids in order to ensure adherence to Islam, which might result in resentment and disenchantment with our Deen, if they think they’ve been wrongly treated, or alternatively, being laid back, which can lead to the child straying from the bounds of Islam with potentially disastrous consequences, subhanallah.

As with everything, though, Islam has the answers and the Quran and Sunnah provide good guidance to parents alhumdulillah. In our household, Islamic study is a top priority (for both kids and parents!) so the children are acquiring a good understanding of Islam alhumdulillah and how rasulullah (may the peace and blessings of Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala be upon him) behaved in certain situations and have no excuse now, say, for missing salah or poor manners around the opposite gender. We keep a close eye on them to ensure that they stay on the Path, admonish them for any mistakes and, if necessary, apply a scale of short, sharp punishments, within Shariah limits of course.

And yes, it is much easier to ingrain good Islamic behaviour in kids from a young age, than to try to correct it later. I see much evidence for that in the streets around where I live, subhanallah.

not aiming this at you sister, but do you think that if a parent doesnt use disciplinary measures (light smack, etc) when needed when teaching their children Islam, that the parents themselves are unsure of the importance of teaching their children the deen? does that make sense? becuase if you need to get a message across than you are convicted that this message is correct (whatever the "message" is)...but if you are hesitant in getting this message across...eg unsure whether you should implement stricter means to get your child to pray, etc, then maybe unconsciously without you realizing it, you aren't 100% convicted that prayer is important.

becuase if you are, then why would you be hesitant? get me?

 

[Ummshareef]

not aiming this at you sister, but do you think that if a parent doesnt use disciplinary measures (light smack, etc) when needed when teaching their children Islam, that the parents themselves are unsure of the importance of teaching their children the deen? does that make sense? becuase if you need to get a message across than you are convicted that this message is correct (whatever the "message" is)...but if you are hesitant in getting this message across...eg unsure whether you should implement stricter means to get your child to pray, etc, then maybe unconsciously without you realizing it, you aren't 100% convicted that prayer is important.

becuase if you are, then why would you be hesitant? get me?

Yes, I think that some parents misguidedly think that it doesn't matter much if their children refuse to learn Islam and that they can leave it to another day and so will avoid their responsibility. But I think that the parents' greatest duty is to teach their kids, especially salah and Qu'ran, and if the child resists or does not take it seriously then disciplinary measures are required to make the child realise that, as they get older, this is not a game but an obligation. I do to some degree feel sad when punishment is required, especially when kids miss salah or disrespect our Deen, but in my heart I know that it is in the child's best interests as the consequences of neglecting salah and study are so great. A short, sharp shock goes a long way to impressing on the child their importance and make them realise that as they grow up, Islam must become their their highest prioirity and that certain acts of worship are obligatory.

 

[GuestFellow]

AsSaalamu Aalaykum WarahmatAllah wabarakatuh,

I just wanted to know your views on your limits of disciplinary- as a parent. Would you raise your hand at your child if they had done something out of line..? Should children have that 'beating' so they know not to cross the line? Do you think having this sort of discipline helps the child when they become older to be a better person? Please share your thoughts insha-Allah.

:wa:

If I had a son and he does not behave, I would not hesitate to slap him. Now if I had a daughter, I would not be able to hit her....

Generally, I would treat boys and girls differently. If my son fell down and started to cry, I would tell him to stop crying. If my daughter was crying for whatever reason, I would give her a hug. :/

I hope I'm not going to be too strict...I tend to lose my temper very quickly with kids. :skeleton:

 

[al yunan]

Assalamu Alaikum to all,

I have raised seven children and now have four grandchildren too.
I would never proceed to tell another parent how to raise their children.
I have read through the posts and note that the two most important things were not mentioned.

First, none of the children are ours they all belong to Allah S.W.T and we are only their guardians (Wali) as a duty to Him.
Second, one should never ever raise a hand at any human being as it is forbidden.

Should you need to hit some one use a cane, belt a stick anything but your hand.
Scholars of yesteryear have said that when a child fears his parent's hand, that child is scared for life.
A parent's hand is to heal and comfort to show love not pain.

Masalam

 

[ProudMuslimSis]

As a child, I preferred a gentle and kind, yet firm and consistent rules and instructions from my parents. I know of some kids that become desensitized to frequent beatings from their parents and fear no longer worked in guiding them.

I found the following that might be helpful to all.

Please read holy Qur'an Ali Imran 159:

فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡ*ۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَ*ۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡہُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِى ٱلۡأَمۡرِ*ۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ*ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ

"It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted they would have broken away from about thee; so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).

 

[al yunan]

Salam sister,

The Ayat you mention is in refference to the battle of Uhud and its aftermath.

Masalam

 

[Reflections]

AsSalaamu '3aalaykum Wara7matullah

Ruling regarding smacking children for salah purpose-From Islam QA

Abu Dawood (459) and Ahmad (6650) narrated from ‘Amr ibn Shu’ayb from his father that his grandfather said: The Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Teach your children to pray when they are seven years old, and smack them if they do not pray when they are 10 years old, and separate them in their beds.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Irwa’ (247).

Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy upon him) said in al-Mughni (1/357):

This telling and discipline is prescribed in the case of children in order to train them to pray, so that they will be used to it and it will become their habit, and they will not forsake it when they reach puberty. End quote.

Al-Subki said:

The guardian must tell the child to pray when he is seven years old and smack him if he does not do so when he is 10.

We think we should enjoin what is not obligatory and smack for failing to do that which is not obligatory. We smack animals for disciplinary purposes, so what about children? That is in the child's interests, and so that he will get used to praying before he reaches puberty. End quote.

Fataawa al-Subki, 1/379

So boys and girls are to be told to pray when they are seven years old and are to be smacked if they do not pray when they reach the age of 10. Similarly they are to be told to fast Ramadan and should be encouraged to do good things, such as reading Qur’aan, offering supererogatory prayers, Hajj and ‘umrah, and reciting a lot of tasbeeh, tahleel, takbeer and tahmeed, and they should be prevented from committing all kinds of sin.

With regard to smacking a child for not praying, it is stipulated that the smacking should be light and should not be painful and should not break the skin, or break a tooth or bone. It should be on the back or the hand and the like, and the face is to be avoided because it is forbidden to strike it, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) forbade that.

It should not be more than 10 blows, and it should be done for the purpose of discipline and teaching. So he (the parent etc) should not show his desire to punish, except when there is a need to show that, such as if the child is turning away from prayer and forsaking it, and the like.

It was narrated from Abu Bardah al-Ansari that he heard the Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) say: No one should be given more than 10 lashes except in the case of one of the hadd punishments of Allaah.” narrated by Al Bukhaari (6456) and Muslim (3222).

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy upon him) said:

the words of the Prophet, “No one should be given more than 10 lashes except in the case of one of the hadd punishments of Allaah,” referred to an offence or criminal act, which has to do with what Allaah has prescribed as a punishment.

If it is said: What do we mean by 10 or less?

The answer is: This has to do with when a man hits his wife, his slave, his child, or his hired worker for the purpose of discipline and the like: it is not permissible for him to give more than 10 blows. This is the best way to understand the hadeeth. End quote.

I’laam al-Muwaqqi’een (2/23)

It should also not be done in front of anyone else, so as to protect the child's self-esteem and his dignity in front of his friends and others.

It should be known from the father's behaviour with his children and his disciplining of them that he does not smack anybody whom he smacks except in obedience to Allaah and to his Messenger (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him), and that the only reason he does that is the child's best interests, and his keenness to raise him in the prescribed manner, so that the child will not .grow up hating Islamic teachings which he may find difficult, and that he was smacked for not doing them.

Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Take care of the members of your household and do not neglect them, O slave of Allaah. You have to strive hard in their best interests, and tell your sons and daughters to pray at the age of seven, and smack them if they do not do so when they are 10, a light smack that will help them to obey Allaah and make them get used to offering prayers on time, so that they will adhere properly to the religion of Allaah and know the truth, as is narrated in saheeh reports from the Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him). End quote.

Majmoo’ Fataawa Ibn Baaz (6/46).

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) commanded us to tell our children to pray when they are seven years old, and to smack them if they do not pray when they are 10 years old, even though they are not obliged to do that yet, so that they may be trained in doing acts of worship and obedience and may get used to them, so that it will be easy for them to do that after they grow up and it will be dear to them. The same applies to all matters that are blameworthy; young children should not get used to them even though they are not yet under any obligation, because otherwise they will get used to them when they grow up and will enjoy indulging in them. End quote.

Fataawa Noor ‘ala al-Darb, 11/386

The command implies that it is obligatory, but it is limited only to cases where smacking will be beneficial, because sometimes you smack a child but he does not benefit from being smacked, it only makes him scream and cry more and does not serve any benefit. Moreover what is meant by smacking here is smacking is that is not painful, a light smack that serves the purpose and does not cause any harm. End quote.

Liqa’ al-Baab il-Maftooh, 95/18

He (may Allaah have mercy on him) also said:

it should not be a smack that causes injury, and it should not be a smack in the face for example, or a smack to a lethal site; rather he should be smacked on the shoulder or the hand and the like, which would not cause him to die. Smacking on the face is risky, because the face is the highest and noblest part of a person and if a person is smacked on the face it is more humiliating and shameful then if he were to be smacked on the back. Hence it is forbidden to smack on the face. End quote

Fataawa Noor ‘ala al-Darb, 13/2

Shaykh al-Fawzaan said:

Smacking is one of the means of child rearing. The teacher may smack, the trainer may smack, the guardian may smack for disciplinary purposes; and the husband may smack his wife in cases of wilful defiance (nushooz).

But that must be within certain limits, and it should not be a blow that causes pain, breaks the skin or breaks the bone; rather it should be only as much as is necessary. End quote.

Ighaathat al-Mustafeed bi Sharh Kitaab al-Tawheed (282 -- 284)

It should also be noted that disciplining a child should not be done only for neglecting to pray; rather it should also be done if he is careless about the conditions, essential parts and obligatory duties of prayer. A child may pray, but he combines prayers, or he prays without wudoo’, or he does not pray properly. So he must be taught everything about it, and we should make sure that he is aware of its obligatory duties, essential parts and conditions, then if he neglects any of these things, we must advise him and teach him time after time, then if he persists he may be disciplined by means of smacking until he prays properly.

And Allaah knows best.

 

[Cabdullahi]

:wa:

If I had a son and he does not behave, I would not hesitate to slap him. Now if I had a daughter, I would not be able to hit her....

Generally, I would treat boys and girls differently. If my son fell down and started to cry, I would tell him to stop crying. If my daughter was crying for whatever reason, I would give her a hug. :/

I hope I'm not going to be too strict...I tend to lose my temper very quickly with kids. :skeleton:

My dad never beat me up so i would never beat my children.

Why should i beat them up when things they'll do ive already done

 

[al yunan]

:wa:
If I had a son and he does not behave, I would not hesitate to slap him. Now if I had a daughter, I would not be able to hit her....
Generally, I would treat boys and girls differently. If my son fell down and started to cry, I would tell him to stop crying. If my daughter was crying for whatever reason, I would give her a hug. :/
I hope I'm not going to be too strict...I tend to lose my temper very quickly with kids. :skeleton:

Assalamu Alaikum brother,

So you say now, but once you have children your own and not some one else's Inshallah you will see things differently.
I think you also forgetting some one else's expectations of you as a parent, your wife's.

Masalam

 

[Ummshareef]

AsSalaamu '3aalaykum Wara7matullah

Ruling regarding smacking children for salah purpose-From Islam QA

Ighaathat al-Mustafeed bi Sharh Kitaab al-Tawheed (282 -- 284)

It should also be noted that disciplining a child should not be done only for neglecting to pray; rather it should also be done if he is careless about the conditions, essential parts and obligatory duties of prayer. A child may pray, but he combines prayers, or he prays without wudoo’, or he does not pray properly. So he must be taught everything about it, and we should make sure that he is aware of its obligatory duties, essential parts and conditions, then if he neglects any of these things, we must advise him and teach him time after time, then if he persists he may be disciplined by means of smacking until he prays properly.

:wa:
JKK for the reminders, sister.

The above is a key point that is well worth emphasising. Right at the top of our list of duties as parents is not only to engrain the habit of 5x daily salah in the little ones, but to ensure that the salah is performed 100% CORRECTLY - no shortcuts, no losing concentration, no mistakes in recitation. It may sound strict but this point was emphasised in the Islamic parenting classes I attended last year. We were told to watch very carefully and pick up on any mistakes EVERY time - even small things like having the toes in the wrong position during sajdah or rushing to finish too quickly or gazing inappropriately - but above all, errors in recitation. Don't let them get into sloppy habits - always address errors firstly through education, but be prepared to correct repeated errors after the age of ten. This should firstly be through a stern talking to, explaining exactly what they have done wrong and that Allah subhana wa ta'alaa observes the salah of every person, followed by punishment to remind the child of His displeasure for their disobedience in the very important matter of a fardh act of worship. Insha'allah, soon they will understand the importance of adherence to Allah's commands IN EVERY DETAIL as they approach adulthood and correct salah will become as natural to them as breathing, setting them up for a life in service of Allah subhana wa ta'alaa.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Scholars of yesteryear have said that when a child fears his parent's hand, that child is scared for life.

I have had plenty of my share of hits and smack and all that jazz. I have not been "scared for the rest of my life." In fact my mom is my best friend!

-----

As I mentioned earlier in the posts, not every child can be dealt with in the same way. Some children require more strictness than others. My parents were never strict on us when it came to Islaam, but were strict about other aspects coming from Islaam. Some of these aspects are seen in "cultures." You should know how you need to deal with your child. Too much showery love also spoils a child. Kids DO have their own personalities, no one is the same!

Be gentle with them when needed and strict when needed. It can't be one or the other. I wont say smack them in the face cause you're not supposed to obviously. If you instill values and understanding in them, chances are you won't need to get past being "strict".

Things like salaah were not strictly implemented in our house nor upon us even though we always kept our fasts, went for salaah on Eid, occasional stories about Prophets alayhis salaam and the sahaaba radhiAllaahu anhum and things of that sort. I was always more drawn to the Deen than my brothers even though we did all these things.