Marrying someone with a child. It is so wrong?

[Reflections]

I will end by saying, I understand the difficulties many women go through in marriages, and as sorry as I feel for them, I wouldn't even marry one, not because of fear of another failed marriage, but because of the thought she has been touched by another man, I could never ever get that out of my head. I don't know if that's the reason why other men won't marry and it isn't a nice thought, but what to do?.

Where not some the wives of Rasullulah saw previously married?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Well, for starters, keep convincing yourself that your sentiment is irrational until you no longer act on it. There's nothing despoiling about having been "touched by another man", not if it was done in a proper Islamic marriage. That which is halal (or in this case, even mustahab or fard) cannot possibly diminish her worth. Several hadiths attest to the fact that sex between spouses is a good deed. Shame on anyone who would hold a good deed against a muslim.

Asalaamu Alaikum, i don't think the brother meant it in that way at all i just think the wording in his post was terrible and so it came out all wrong.

The brother is just trying to say that because he is a virgin and unmarried then he would like a partner of the same position as him which he is entitled to as was also recommended by Rasulallah (Salallahu Alaihi wasallam) for those who are virgin and unmarried but the brother clearly did not mean in anyway to degrade previously married women at all because those women are most honourable so i just think his post there is a misunderstanding in terms of what he meant because he worded his post so badly.

 

[Futuwwa]

I understood what he meant. I replied to the resignant "but what to do?" at the end. If he resigns to acting wrongly through going by instinct, it hardly matters whether he recognizes that that instinct is wrong.

I don't buy al-Ruhaybaani's argument there. It's based on a single hadith where the Prophet inquired why Jaabir did not marry a young virgin instead of an older woman. Nothing in it implies that he thought that marrying the virgin would have been preferable, he might just as well simply have been surprised over Jaabir's choice (as most men no doubt would have done the other way).

 

[nature]

Maybe marrying someone or being with someone who has had sex before doesn't bother you. But being a virgin myself, that's all I want. I fought off many evils and Insha'allah I will continue to do so in the hope that I end up with a girl of similar nature. If I didn't, then I'd divorce immediately irrespective of whether that person has changed or not.

It doesn't bother most, but it bothers me.

As for your comment about not every man being like that, all of my friends who never had girlfriends or messed around in their youth, not a single one of them wanted to marry anyone but an unmarried virgin. Like I said before, it'd be easier if everyone married someone of a similar baqckground.

why shud it bother me ? if the person is pious and comitted to allah and his duties as a muslim then i couldnt give two hoots about his past, im not gona hold that against him. humans aint perfect and as long as that person has changed, then they deserve a chance. im not married yet, but Ive no prob considering divorced/widowers, again why shud them being touched by another person bother me ? Im intelligent enough not to let silly things like that get to me, once that person has committed to me, & I know there god fearing, how many girls that guy has been with in his past, is irrevelant to me. sometimes you find qualities in a previously married person, than a single person whos never been married.

a couple of my friends are divorced through no fault of their own, and they married gud pious guys that have no problem with them being married before. Its the NOW that matters not the past...esp if the person has changed. Some of my friends and me included wud ideally wana marry a revert, at least you dont have to face this backwards cultural crap that we have in society nowadays.

like i sed b4, wen you have relatives/friends that are in that situation, then you'll sympathise, instead of looking down on some1 cos of them not being chaste most of the time through no fault of their own.

anyway how wud you know some1 is chaste ?? its not like you can ask them is it ?? I certainly wouldnt' ask a man, a person's sins is between them and allah, not me, ive no right to ask such a question. btw women can get procedures done to get "fixed "up so even if they werent, really you would never ever know. So theres no real way of telling. As for you saying you'd divorce some1 after, dont you get it ?? you'd be giving the "divorce " label to a woman, & the stigma attached to it.

 

[nature]

Asalaamu Alaikum, i don't think the brother meant it in that way at all i just think the wording in his post was terrible and so it came out all wrong.

Oh plz, we all knew wat he meant....!!!

 

[kingkong]

anyway how wud you know some1 is chaste ?? its not like you can ask them is it ?? I certainly wouldnt' ask a man, a person's sins is between them and allah, not me, ive no right to ask such a question. btw women can get procedures done to get "fixed "up so even if they werent, really you would never ever know. So theres no real way of telling. As for you saying you'd divorce some1 after, dont you get it ?? you'd be giving the "divorce " label to a woman, & the stigma attached to it.

Well in the cases I know, the men did their homework, they asked men who knew men who maybe knew women and sooner or later the girls and boys who mucked around in their youth are exposed. No one says anything bad to them or their family, but they protect their own child by not letting them marry them.

I have a cousin, she committed sins, many outside of marriage. We are a family tree with many boys, from our grandfather there are 28 children of which 23 are boys. So when a family sees that one of the 5 girls is not married to one of those 23 boys, they can immediately tell why that is. None of my aunties or uncles are stupid enough to marry their sons to this girl. What happens to this girl now you might think? Well she can thank her lucky stars she's still alive, some of us wanted her flogged in the Islamic way, which most likely would have killed her. Others like me wanted her thrown out and completely disowned for the shame she has brought the family.

We also have one boy in the family who commited similar sins, he was beaten to almost an a breathe of losing his life and he is disowned. Rumours spread and people have brains, you find out who are the sinners and who are not. Whilst there is no way to be certain of who is a virgin and who isn't, it definately is no one's business to go exposing these sins. People are well within their right to protect their children and their family from such people. If it means digging for info so be it, so long as you don't expose it.

What has also been proven since, well since as far as time goes back, sooner or later the truth ALWAYS comes out. A girl/boy may act all innocent and pure, but somewhere down the line, maybe 5 years, maybe 10, maybe even 50, the truth comes out. You'll often find the truth is unbearable and often that is the cause of divorce. So isn't it so much easier if people started off marriage with someone of a similar background?

 

[kingkong]

Oh plz, we all knew wat he meant....!!!

In layman's terms I meant, the chaste should marry the chaste and unchaste should marry the unchaste.

There is a verse in the Quran which explicitly states the fornicators and adulterers are for the fornicators and the adulterers.


BTW this doesn't apply to the OP who is a divorcee. So perhaps I'll open a new thread which addresses this matter.

 

[ProudMuslimSis]

I am so glad to hear that you and your baby are not struggling. Hopefully it is thanks to a supportive British/South American family structure and support system.

But, I beg you to consider putting your child first and concentrate raising him/her. And, postponing your personal needs until the child it grown.

You can start a new life, with a new husband when the child is independent. Lets say, in 18 years, you will 40, mature, free, and proud that you have done the right thing.

I suggest this because you need to be cautious of bringing a step-father into the mix and risking another failed marriage that could scar your child for life.

 

[Salahudeen]

I am so glad to hear that you and your baby are not struggling. Hopefully it is thanks to a supportive British/South American family structure and support system.

But, I beg you to consider putting your child first and concentrate raising him/her. And, postponing your personal needs until the child it grown.

You can start a new life, with a new husband when the child is independent. Lets say, in 18 years, you will 40, mature, free, and proud that you have done the right thing.

I suggest this because you need to be cautious of bringing a step-father into the mix and risking another failed marriage that could scar your child for life.

That's your advice sis and I respect it but I wouldn't advise the sister to wait that long. Being with someone is a natural need, and a person might fall into sin if he/she isn't.

My mum did what you suggestd and it was the biggest mistake she made, by the time she reached 40 all the good men were taken and married, all that remained was the not so pious men and now she's panicking as the clock ticks. And growing up without a dad is one of the hardest things for a child, a child needs both parents around. It's not just her personal needs, the child also needs a father figure. I think it would be the wrong thing for her to wait for 18 years untill her child is grown up.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I understood what he meant. I replied to the resignant "but what to do?" at the end. If he resigns to acting wrongly through going by instinct, it hardly matters whether he recognizes that that instinct is wrong.

I don't buy al-Ruhaybaani's argument there. It's based on a single hadith where the Prophet inquired why Jaabir did not marry a young virgin instead of an older woman. Nothing in it implies that he thought that marrying the virgin would have been preferable, he might just as well simply have been surprised over Jaabir's choice (as most men no doubt would have done the other way).

Asalaamu Alaikum,

It is not just Al-Ruhaybaani's argument for it is an agreed upon hadith which is found in both Bukhari & Muslim:

Sayyiduna Jabir (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) asked him, "Have you married?"

I said, "Yes."
He (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, "A virgin or non-virgin?"

I said, "A non-virgin."

He (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, "Why not a virgin, whom you enjoy and who enjoys you?"

[After this, Jabir (Allah be pleased with him) explained why he chose the non-virgin:]

I said, "O Messenger of Allah, my father was killed at Uhud, and left 9 daughters, so I disliked added another inexperienced person like them [to the household]. Rather, [I chose] a woman who would take care of them and manage their affairs."

He (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, "You were correct." [Bukhari & Muslim]

Another hadith:

It is reported in Sunan Ibn Maja and al-Mu`jam al-Kabir of Tabarani that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, "Marry virgins, for they are sweeter mouthed, have more children, and more easily satisfied."

In Sahih Bukhari, it is reported that `A'isha (Allah be pleased with her) said, �O Messenger of Allah, do you not see that if you descended into a valley in which there is a tree that has been eaten from and a tree that has not been eaten from, which would you stop your mount at? He said, "The one that has not been eaten from." She said, "I am that one." That is, because the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) did not marry a virgin except her.

So from these, and other hadiths, the scholars have stated that the general sunna (unless there are secondary considerations) is to marry a virgin. [This is mentioned in Imam Nawawi's Minhaj al-Talibin and its major commentaries in Shafi`i fiqh; Mukhtasar al-Khalil and its commentaries, al-Sharh al-Kabir and al-Sharh al-Saghir in Maliki fiqh; al-Bahr al-Ra'iq, al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, and Radd al-Muhtar in Hanafi fiqh; Kashshaf al-Qina` in Hanbali fiqh]

Taken from: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=845&CATE=3


You will also find the same view here:

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/9126


May Allah find the best partners for all Muslims regardless of their situation. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

In layman's terms I meant, the chaste should marry the chaste and unchaste should marry the unchaste.

There is a verse in the Quran which explicitly states the fornicators and adulterers are for the fornicators and the adulterers.


BTW this doesn't apply to the OP who is a divorcee. So perhaps I'll open a new thread which addresses this matter.

Asalaamu Alaikum, Brother you need to wacth the way you word your posts because a few people have misunderstood your posts because of the way you worded them.

The original topic was about an unmarried man marrying a previously married women and you posted saying you being a virgin would not marry a women who is not chaste which made others think you meant that previously married women are not chaste when you were actually referring to a women who had relations before married as that is unchaste.

What you should have said was that because you are a virgin you would prefer to marry a virgin like yourself but it may be that some unmarried men would prefer to marry a previously married women for whatever reason as there may be many which you respect.

So please be careful with your wording. Jazakallahi khayr

 

[SAKER]

That's your advice sis and I respect it but I wouldn't advise the sister to wait that long. Being with someone is a natural need, and a person might fall into sin if he/she isn't.

My mum did what you suggestd and it was the biggest mistake she made, by the time she reached 40 all the good men were taken and married, all that remained was the not so pious men and now she's panicking as the clock ticks. And growing up without a dad is one of the hardest things for a child, a child needs both parents around. It's not just her personal needs, the child also needs a father figure. I think it would be the wrong thing for her to wait for 18 years untill her child is grown up.

I m completely agree with this . you will find someone good inchaALLAH...

Personnel i wish I was there in USA then I would ask you to marry me cause i love children ,but it s far away from here

 

[May Ayob]

Salaam

Sister i advice you to get married not only because you are in need but also because of you child a child needs both parents to fully grow and independantly understand this life , it will be very hard for you to be asingle mother , so i would advice you to marry a responsible , and good husband who is a good muslim as well just as some of my sisters and brother have suggested


I hope this helps.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I think the OP has had sufficient replies. If anyone wants to talk about any other topic then please open up a thread. This thread is closed