done bad but now want to do the right thing but family not allowing it. HELP!

[sara_x]

asalaam alaikum to all and thank you for taking the time in reading this. (im sorry for how long it is! and sorry for the lifestory! sometimes i don't know when to stop)
im new here and this is my first thread soo please dont be mean .. before i start just want to say that i know i have done wrong and i alone will be judged for it.

erm ..i got to know a guy about a year and a half ago .and he wanted to marry me ..but instead of telling my parents about it ..i got to know him and we started texting by phone and instant messaging on msn ..this is very very bad and i have repented and will carry on repenting .. we spoke only by phone and on msn .. but we didnt meet up ..because ..it kind of made it more haraam? might be a stupid thing to say because whatever we were doing was haraam anyway ..but we didnt meet up ..so we didnt do anything bad ..we tried to refrain from doing more bad ..guess we didnt try hard enough ..

anyways ..he wanted to marry me straight away without all the secrecy ..but we didnt ..because my parents were only set on marrying in the family ..but i didnt want this ..i never have done because my family (extended included) are soo culturally based ..my family are somewhat islamic but culture is so involved in their lives ..especially the topic on marriage ..i do not agree with many things they do ..i do not wish to state the bad points as i should not be backbiting but they are very hypocritical and pick and choose their religion as in pick parts of culture and then pick parts of Islam and make into something totally different and then label it Islam. thats why im so confused ..ive tried to do my own research so i know what to do but dont know where to go ..

i have told my mother in the past that i do not wish to marry in the family because there is no one whom i think would be able to get on with as a married couple who is devotly into his religion ..but my mum says that i have to 'make do' in marriage ..i dont want this! marriage is the other half of our deen ..surely we shouldnt have to 'make do' with our marriage partner ..i want to marry someone who is good for me and my deen ..when we do wrong my father decides to quote out ayats from the Quran stating ..children going to go hell if they disobey their parents ..oh yes ..another thing ..he started this after my extended family and immediate family severly presuured my older sister in marrying a guy from pakistan ..and they say they did the right thing ..now her marriage is not on the right tracks ..but Inshallah* everything going to be okay for my older sister and her husband ..another thing happened to my mums cousin ..and she tries to cope everyday of her life ..i dont want that life ..

anyways ..before knowing this man ..i was out most of the time with friends and had many guy friends and all that ..but after knowing this guy ..i quit all that ..im at home all the time ..i got a job where i work part time and just finished my second year at uni ..so im doing okay Alhamdulillah* ..also ..my love for my deen has grown much stronger ..i want to pray and be in abaadat ..but while wanting all this ..i was doing haraam at the same time ..and i thought ..Allah swt must hate me ..i mean ..how could he forgive me ..

so ..i told my mum about the guy and told her that i didnt want to be living in a haraam way of life anymore and wanted her to get me married quickly ..she hasnt spoken to me for two days now ..this guy wants to marry me more than anything ..and ..when we did meet ..two months ago ..we committed zinaa ..you guys must hate me now! but ..i hate myself also ..so im with you on that one ..thats why its more important to get married aswell? no? we are each others first ..

dont get me wrong ..i adore and love my family soo much ..but just this one thing i cant agree with


i know im a bad person ..but i do repent always to Allah swt and ask for forgiveness and i just ..dont want to do bad anymore ..want to live good life ..muslim life ..thats all ..want my family to give me that ..but their culture comes first ..how do i break away from the culture side ..

Jzk Khair for reading ..lol omg its soo long iniit ..sorry guys!

 

[al yunan]

Walaikum assalam sister,

One thing is for sure right off and that is as per Shariah you're a perfectly suited couple, as one who has committed Zina should marry an equal partner.
I guess your main problem must be how to represent your cases to your parents and secondly the fact that your family cares more about tradition rather than Islam.
I realise from what you say they would even happily marry you off to some unsuspecting fellow to keep up appearances.

For solutions;
1. Do you have any family member well versed in Islam and also a dominant figure in your family, who could convince them to do the right thing by Shariah and by your wishes ?
2. If not solution two would involve a sympathetic senior family member to represent your case to a Qadi and have him handle the family.

From your story I presume you're Hanafi Madhab followers which leaves you with some other options but I rather you got these first hand from a Qadi or similarly ranked person.
There are also many other scenarios and solutions but none within your so far expressed wishes.
I hope this helps you to decide if you still want to marry this boy or find a way to reconcile your parents wishes as this boy may or may not be your life time mate but your parents and family are the only ones you have and they are for life.

May Allah S.W.T grant you both His Mercy and guide you to righteousness.
Masalam

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

:WS:

If your parents and your family did not have their backward culture, would you and the potential have slept with each other?

Get imam/ scholar involved and don’t reveal your sins to anyone especially your parents!

 

[May Ayob]

Salaam to you
Sister May Allah help and Guide you to the which is the best.
I ask Allah to make you one of those whom He loves and who leads a rightoues life.

You are not a bad person because you admitted your mistakes , and you have acknowledged that they are mistake.
You are also trying to do the right thing and this also proves that you are not a bad person at all , Insh'allah all this will change , with some work though.

First , Never lose you hope in Allah swt Alla is the Most Forgiving the Most Mercifull, We humabeings do mistakes fall into sins this is something normal , we are not angels but keep in mind sister we have to repent sincerely to Allah and never go back to these sins again.
No body here hates you we are all brothers and sister and we are here to help each other , and no one has the right to juge you because With God's garce maybe one day you may outlead us all and in deeds and behavior, so please dont say these things to yourself , only a bad person would hate you. At least you have a Conscience that tell you what is right and what is wrong.

I know Zinna is a major sin , but never the less do not forget the fact that there is no sin in Islam that God will not forgive except dying in a state of Shirk (polytheism) , Repent to Allah and Ask Allah forgiveness and he will accept you with open arms.

As for your problem i advice you to urge him into proposing to you and marrying you as soon as possible, As for you family try to get an imaam to help you in speaking to your parents, always treat them kindly i commend the fact that you respect them and value you them in your life

Also I ask Allah to help you and I ask Him to give you a happy family , and i wish this problem will end in the best possible outocme and result

I hope this Helped.

Insh'a Allah you are in my Duaa sis.

Salaam

 

[Riana17]

SALAM

No one must hate you here and we are not here to judge anyone, all of us are committing sin, one way or another

Let's go back to your problem, I understand your situation and alhamdollelah after the zinah, you proved that the man you love is true to you, yes why? lets not mention that so much cheater nowadays, pretenders ...

So why dont you and your man finds Imam to discuss this with your parents (i think you must avoid other relatives - coz when you convinced your parents, that's enough), if you could bring Imam between your conversation with your parents and future husband (inshallah) then there is big possibility to make a decision according to Islam and not the culture "thing"

we cant blame your parents for they are weak and maybe less educated of Islam than you are...but parents remains parents, however the decision of marriage is totally personal, marriage is like religion, no one can force you

so be wise and maybe your parents will be upset about your decision and all but BEAR in mind that, in the end it is you who will carry your decision

INSHALLAH this help

 

[sara_x]

Walaikum assalam sister,

One thing is for sure right off and that is as per Shariah you're a perfectly suited couple, as one who has committed Zina should marry an equal partner.
I guess your main problem must be how to represent your cases to your parents and secondly the fact that your family cares more about tradition rather than Islam.
I realise from what you say they would even happily marry you off to some unsuspecting fellow to keep up appearances.

For solutions;
1. Do you have any family member well versed in Islam and also a dominant figure in your family, who could convince them to do the right thing by Shariah and by your wishes ?
2. If not solution two would involve a sympathetic senior family member to represent your case to a Qadi and have him handle the family.

From your story I presume you're Hanafi Madhab followers which leaves you with some other options but I rather you got these first hand from a Qadi or similarly ranked person.
There are also many other scenarios and solutions but none within your so far expressed wishes.
I hope this helps you to decide if you still want to marry this boy or find a way to reconcile your parents wishes as this boy may or may not be your life time mate but your parents and family are the only ones you have and they are for life.

May Allah S.W.T grant you both His Mercy and guide you to righteousness.
Masalam

Jazakallah for reading sister
i can't really think of anyone who would understand and help my solution as regarding Shariah or my wishes because they all think marrying outside the family is soo bad ....i mean ..my dad's older brothers daughter is marrying someone of her own choice and her parents are happy with it and the wedding is happening next year Inshallah* ..but everyone else ..as in my grandma and uncles and aunties are angry and questioning her acts and say that marrying outside the family is such a sin ..but it isnt ..is it? i get confused because if her own mum and dad are happy with it ..then no one else matters ..do they?

the local qadi is a friend of my dad's and i feel he would be biased as most of the people in my village are more into their culture ..

 

[sara_x]

:WS:

If your parents and your family did not have their backward culture, would you and the potential have slept with each other?

Get iman/ scholar involved and don’t reveal your sins to anyone especially your parents!

errm ..i don't know how to answer that ..because ..i knew it was haraam ..and wrong ..but i still did it ..but ..if i was a really practicing muslim then I don't think i would have done it ..to be honest ..i think i would have refrained from even getting closer to the guy ..

the local imaam is also a friend's of my father's ..i think he would be biased ..as the majority of the muslims in my town are more into their culture ..

 

[CosmicPathos]

SALAM

No one must hate you here and we are not here to judge anyone, all of us are committing sin, one way or another

Let's go back to your problem, I understand your situation and alhamdollelah after the zinah, you proved that the man you love is true to you, yes why? lets not mention that so much cheater nowadays, pretenders ...

So why dont you and your man finds Imam to discuss this with your parents (i think you must avoid other relatives - coz when you convinced your parents, that's enough), if you could bring Imam between your conversation with your parents and future husband (inshallah) then there is big possibility to make a decision according to Islam and not the culture "thing"

we cant blame your parents for they are weak and maybe less educated of Islam than you are...but parents remains parents, however the decision of marriage is totally personal, marriage is like religion, no one can force you

so be wise and maybe your parents will be upset about your decision and all but BEAR in mind that, in the end it is you who will carry your decision

INSHALLAH this help

its ironic how you equate zina with smaller sins that we commit.

 

[sara_x]

Salaam to you
Sister May Allah help and Guide you to the which is the best.
I ask Allah to make you one of those whom He loves and who leads a rightoues life.

You are not a bad person because you admitted your mistakes , and you have acknowledged that they are mistake.
You are also trying to do the right thing and this also proves that you are not a bad person at all , Insh'allah all this will change , with some work though.

First , Never lose you hope in Allah swt Alla is the Most Forgiving the Most Mercifull, We humabeings do mistakes fall into sins this is something normal , we are not angels but keep in mind sister we have to repent sincerely to Allah and never go back to these sins again.
No body here hates you we are all brothers and sister and we are here to help each other , and no one has the right to juge you because With God's garce maybe one day you may outlead us all and in deeds and behavior, so please dont say these things to yourself , only a bad person would hate you. At least you have a Conscience that tell you what is right and what is wrong.

I know Zinna is a major sin , but never the less do not forget the fact that there is no sin in Islam that God will not forgive except dying in a state of Shirk (polytheism) , Repent to Allah and Ask Allah forgiveness and he will accept you with open arms.

As for your problem i advice you to urge him into proposing to you and marrying you as soon as possible, As for you family try to get an imaam to help you in speaking to your parents, always treat them kindly i commend the fact that you respect them and value you them in your life

Also I ask Allah to help you and I ask Him to give you a happy family , and i wish this problem will end in the best possible outocme and result

I hope this Helped.

Insh'a Allah you are in my Duaa sis.

Salaam

Aww thank you so much replying ..and your reply brought a tear into my eyes ..in a nice way though
i just want to be a good person ..do the right thing ..but ive never been taught proper Islam ..im from a small town where i think nearly everyone is into their culture ..its hard because i don't know where to go ..

i feel so guilty because i dont want to hurt my parents at all ..but i want to and have to do the right thing ..the guy has already proposed to me and he wishes on marrying as quick as possible because thats the right thing to do ..the local imaam is a friend of my dad's so i feel he would be biased.

Inshallah* in time my parents will understand ..

you all have helped because i dont feel as lost now ..and i know that even though we both have done wrong and are repenting sincerely for it ..maybe marrying is the best option ?

Again ..jazakallah

 

[sara_x]

SALAM

No one must hate you here and we are not here to judge anyone, all of us are committing sin, one way or another

Let's go back to your problem, I understand your situation and alhamdollelah after the zinah, you proved that the man you love is true to you, yes why? lets not mention that so much cheater nowadays, pretenders ...

So why dont you and your man finds Imam to discuss this with your parents (i think you must avoid other relatives - coz when you convinced your parents, that's enough), if you could bring Imam between your conversation with your parents and future husband (inshallah) then there is big possibility to make a decision according to Islam and not the culture "thing"

we cant blame your parents for they are weak and maybe less educated of Islam than you are...but parents remains parents, however the decision of marriage is totally personal, marriage is like religion, no one can force you

so be wise and maybe your parents will be upset about your decision and all but BEAR in mind that, in the end it is you who will carry your decision

INSHALLAH this help

Thank you for replying
i would very much like to get the local imaam to dicuss it with my parents but he is a friend of my father's so i feel as though he may be bias?
i dont blame my parents because this is all they have known .. i dont think im educated in islam much at all but i wish i could be ..Inshallah* one day ..i am trying though ..

nearly everyone i can think of in my family married each other because of family wishes ..some of them were happy which is great Mashallah* but others not so happy ..especially in todays generation ..as family members force their children now to get married to guys who will 'mend their ways when they get married' if you know what im talking about ..

 

[sara_x]

Walaikum assalam sister,

One thing is for sure right off and that is as per Shariah you're a perfectly suited couple, as one who has committed Zina should marry an equal partner.
I guess your main problem must be how to represent your cases to your parents and secondly the fact that your family cares more about tradition rather than Islam.
I realise from what you say they would even happily marry you off to some unsuspecting fellow to keep up appearances.

For solutions;
1. Do you have any family member well versed in Islam and also a dominant figure in your family, who could convince them to do the right thing by Shariah and by your wishes ?
2. If not solution two would involve a sympathetic senior family member to represent your case to a Qadi and have him handle the family.

From your story I presume you're Hanafi Madhab followers which leaves you with some other options but I rather you got these first hand from a Qadi or similarly ranked person.
There are also many other scenarios and solutions but none within your so far expressed wishes.
I hope this helps you to decide if you still want to marry this boy or find a way to reconcile your parents wishes as this boy may or may not be your life time mate but your parents and family are the only ones you have and they are for life.

May Allah S.W.T grant you both His Mercy and guide you to righteousness.
Masalam

sorry brother ..in my previous reply to you i called you sister by mistake
im sorry

 

[CosmicPathos]

errm ..i don't know how to answer that ..because ..i knew it was haraam ..and wrong ..but i still did it ..but ..if i was a really practicing muslim then I don't think i would have done it ..to be honest ..i think i would have refrained from even getting closer to the guy ..

the local imaam is also a friend's of my father's ..i think he would be biased ..as the majority of the muslims in my town are more into their culture ..

I think you are playing blame game here. You are critiquing culture of your parents and now indirectly blaming that for your improper education which led to you committing zina. But guess what, you dont need to be a Muslim to not commit zina. There are many Christian women who dont commit zina.

So you committed zina from your own choice, it was as bad if not more as your "backward" cultured parents (as sweet called the culture of your parents backwards).

 

[sara_x]

I think you are playing blame game here. You are critiquing culture of your parents and now indirectly blaming that for your improper education which led to you committing zina. But guess what, you dont need to be a Muslim to not commit zina. There are many Christian women who dont commit zina.

So you committed zina from your own choice, it was as bad if not more as your "backward" cultured parents (as sweet called the culture of your parents backwards).

erm ..i did say that i knew it was wrong but i did it anyway so i couldnt really blame the culture ..but if i was more practicing ..and knew about my deen ..then maybe i wouldnt have done it ..if your life was led a different way then maybe people wouldnt do half the things they have done ..and i didnt say that the culture led me to do anything ..i said ..i knew it was wrong but i still did it ..

 

[CosmicPathos]

erm ..i did say that i knew it was wrong but i did it anyway so i couldnt really blame the culture ..but if i was more practicing ..and knew about my deen ..then maybe i wouldnt have done it ..if your life was led a different way then maybe people wouldnt do half the things they have done ..and i didnt say that the culture led me to do anything ..i said ..i knew it was wrong but i still did it ..

oh okay ....

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

I think you are playing blame game here. You are critiquing culture of your parents and now indirectly blaming that for your improper education which led to you committing zina. But guess what, you dont need to be a Muslim to not commit zina. There are many Christian women who dont commit zina.

So you committed zina from your own choice, it was as bad if not more as your "backward" cultured parents (as sweet called the culture of your parents backwards).

Do you problems with reading comprehension?

She clearly did not blame her parents. I however do think her parent is part of the problem.

What would you call that “culture”? A bright, lovely and colourful culture? Don’t brother, I know you support forced marriage.
oops
I mean you sympathy with them (parents like hers).

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

errm ..i don't know how to answer that ..because ..i knew it was haraam ..and wrong ..but i still did it ..but ..if i was a really practicing muslim then I don't think i would have done it ..to be honest ..i think i would have refrained from even getting closer to the guy ..

the local imaam is also a friend's of my father's ..i think he would be biased ..as the majority of the muslims in my town are more into their culture ..

btw cut all contract with this guy.
Get another imam that is not your father ‘friend’ to talk to your family.

 

[Riana17]

its ironic how you equate zina with smaller sins that we commit.

Salam

I blv what I said was clear, we dont have the right to judge anyone. Sara committed a major sin (which she fully admitted and seeking for Allah's forgiveness) and I may sound unfair to you but I think committing a sin (regardless) and admitted plus trying to correct it, is better than hurting others by their talk and never realizes it.

Sara's mistake was done and there is no way to return back yesterday, but inshallah it is not late for her to correct her path. She came here to look for better way to solve her problem and we must give her support in Islamic way or else do not provide nonsense input that will add to her burden.

In top of all, it is all clear to us that Allah the Most Forgiving can let off all our sin except believing in Multiple gods.

SALAM and I still hope Sara that you be strong, one way or another you can find an Imam that best suites your requirements.
or better yet, present a Quranic verses that support your side, if they deny this, then let's all leave it to Allah, there is nothing can be solved in time.

 

[sara_x]

btw cut all contract with this guy.
Get another imam that is not your father ‘friend’ to talk to your family.

okay ..thank you for your help sister

 

[sara_x]

Salam

I blv what I said was clear, we dont have the right to judge anyone. Sara committed a major sin (which she fully admitted and seeking for Allah's forgiveness) and I may sound unfair to you but I think committing a sin (regardless) and admitted plus trying to correct it, is better than hurting others by their talk and never realizes it.

Sara's mistake was done and there is no way to return back yesterday, but inshallah it is not late for her to correct her path. She came here to look for better way to solve her problem and we must give her support in Islamic way or else do not provide nonsense input that will add to her burden.

In top of all, it is all clear to us that Allah the Most Forgiving can let off all our sin except believing in Multiple gods.

SALAM and I still hope Sara that you be strong, one way or another you can find an Imam that best suites your requirements.
or better yet, present a Quranic verses that support your side, if they deny this, then let's all leave it to Allah, there is nothing can be solved in time.

i know i have committed a big big sin and i hope i will be forgivven for it Inshallah* i do regret it.

i have presented Quranic verses to my parents but they reply with that i misunderstood the meaning and if i look for help myself and if that that help doesnt go hand in hand with what they believe then they say that ive been led astray by the person who gave me that piece of knowledge ..however, i will leave it to Allah because if its Allah's will then it will happen

 

[May Ayob]

Salaam Sis how are you doing i hope everything is going fine?

Thank you for the nice reply.