Not having respect for my mother in law

[anonymous]

I got married at the beginning of this year and didn't have too many worries about living with my in laws apart from the usual worries of settling in and being shy and few little differences. I actually thought my mother in law was going to be really nice.

However since the very first day we have arrived to stay after being married, she has not shown any affection towards me or done anything to help me settle and make sure i'm comfortable and find it easier and happier with this dramatic and scary change for me. She doesn't talk to me unless it's something technical that needs to be asked or talked about, and she keeps going on about how we should keep our room and keeps coming in our room when we're not there to make our bed or hoover (things I already do, and sometimes do after work or whenever the time is good for me - i think one day I was late for work and left the bed unmade, which she found horrifying) and takes this as a chance to look around our room and see what she disapproves of. My logic is, its our bedroom and our only private space, she shouldn't care or worry about wether our bed is made as she shouldn't even know. Also this means I feel I have no space of my own in that house, and can't leave anything in the bedroom which may lead to embarassment or judgment, and there is nowhere I can relax or wind down.
She also decided to give a huge lecture randomly to me awhile ago in front of the family saying I should do this and that and keep things clean (i do, just not to her unrealistic standards), and that there is no privacy in this house and assuming how things must be in my house which is why i'm like this. And she made out to everyone like I think she is going to steal from me, which is why I don't like her going in the room. It was really degrading and upsetting experience for me and i cried for ages.

Now in Ramadhan she doesn't pray and instead puts cooking and cleaning and eating first. This makes for a very strange experience for me, and it's like she almost thinks i am wasting time praying before maghrib when I could do something in the kitchen or clean. When we do iftari, my husband & i pray maghrib before eating the main meal, while she just sits till it's time to clean up, and then goes back in the kitchen to do other work until bed time.
She also keeps saying we don't have to fast if we can't and it's okay, which at first I took as them saying if we're too ill, but then she kept saying it & saying it as if she was trying to convince us not to fast when we're fine with fasting.

She is obsessed with cleanliness/tindyness so much, but in an absurd way which comprimises living properly. For example she has a small neat kitchen which is for show , and has the real kitchen in the basement which is not clean or tidy or even pleasant to look at or be inside, all very old and greasy and broken down, and even the chairs look rotten. But she takes great pride in her fake kitchen and loves it when people say how tidy it is and allows them to think that is her real kitchen, while really her family have to go up and down everyday to eat/cook and endure not very nice conditions. She does many other strange things in the quest to keep clean/tidy, which ultimately are unnecessary and time wasting and unpleasant for everyone. Like not keeping a mop for the bathroom floor as it doesn't look nice to her, so everyone has to lay down some material on the bathroom floor before every bath and then put it in the wash. She also has lots of damp tea towels which she uses to clean up water from inside and around the sink and oil stains, and then uses the same dirty cloth to dry the dishes. But this is fine to her, because this is something noone else sees, but they do see that the dishes are dry and put away. For this reason the cupboard smell due to damp and dishes which are essentially unclean being stored, but again this doesn't matter as long as it appears clean. I am also not really allowed to take out a clean dry tea towel to clean the dishes with, even though she has loads folded away, and she tells me to use the damp dirty one.
And at the end of every night she spreads out the damp dirty tea towel on the sofa in the sitting room to dry and then uses again the next day - all I can think now is that the germs and bacteria and smell is now on the sofas in the sitting room she tries to keep so prim and proper - but again because noone sees that at night it doesn't matter.
We also often have to eat in paper plates so that there is less washing to do and so that everything is kept cleaner and tidier - so she has loads of nice dishes stored away but they are kept to show everyone but her family has to endure less pleasant eating ways even though Allah has blessed her with the means to give her family a good lifestyle.

Above all this, i find the not praying, especially in Ramadhan the things that gets me the most - that she does all this but won't do what's really important. She does everything for show and doesn't allow her family or me to live in a normal happy way, but everything centres around making sure the house looks good incase anyone comes.

My husband isn't happy about this either and tells her off when she becomes really bad and he tried to have a session to resolve things when she lectured me & she said sorry but it didn't really change much, but essentially it's his mum and we can't go too far in telling her what she can and can't do. And we can't afford to move out any time soon, and we also wanted to stay with them for awhile to make them happy, but i am not happy in the process, mainly due to having no affection or conversation from her, and no efforts to help me settle in and feel good, and because of how absurd she acts and doesn't instill respect towards her from me.

i feel unhappy living here but i feel there isn't any solution to the problem until we can afford to move out, as I don't want to cause major trouble and have any fallings out. i feel unhappy my newly married life is like this due to her, and it causes arguments with my husband.

 

[Alpha Dude]

You guys should move out as soon as you are in a position to do so.

In the meantime, get your husband to put a lock on your door and only have keys for yourselves. If she asks why or asks for a key too, get your husband to explain to her and say no.

I wouldn't worry too much about the affection. It's probably just her personality/she doesn't know better.

The important thing here is also that she doesn't consider it important to pray etc which means she needs some kind of dawah. Perhaps your husband ought to be the one who should be firm in guiding her.

 

[Salahudeen]

:hmm: I never knew scenarios like this existed, now I understand why people don't want to live with in laws , not everyone is as cool as my mum :shade:

anyway I think you're right you need your own space to sit back and relax and not worry how it looks, that should be your bedroom, your logic is sound from where I'm standing, I can't believe people are intrusive like that :hmm: Really your husband needs to tell her these things, and I find it weird that she expects you to maintain high cleaning standards when you're working, I mean fair enough if you never had a 9 to 5 job and you were at home all day but the fact you do means you're not going to be able to keep the house clean to her high standards she should understand that I think.

The trouble is, many typical families will start saying "oh she turned our son against us" if your husband puts his foot down, and they will start saying "The wife wears the pants in their relationship what kind of man is he" this is what I've seen from my experience, but I guess something has to be done and if anyone is the person to do it then it's your husband.

Bro alpha gave good suggestion with the lock, you can just come home and chill out there and lock the door and not worry about how messy or tidy it is.

Maybe your husband could also explain to her kindly that you go to work all day and you don't sit around at home doing nothing so it's unfair to expect you to keep the place looking spotless as you're very tired when you come home from work.

I hope you and your husband are saving your money so you can afford to get your own place in a few years time, this is the plus side of it, you don't have to pay rent, just save all your money and then buy a place of your own.

 

[aadil77]

lol these are just petty little things you'll have to endure until you get a house of your own, to be honest you're a lot better off than many other couples that live with in laws

 

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum

I used to watch this series called Nanny 911, and there was such a case where the child have tantrums & does not agree to go out unless her garments are same colors from head to toes, not only clothing but she wants everything in order.
Later on they found that its mom who used to ask the girl to dress that way. So basically there isnt requirement for Nanny, the problem was with the mom & after little investigation, she confess to Nanny that she got it from her controlling father. So the Nanny puts an end there, she asked "did you like what your father did to you? if you like what you've become then continue doing it with your child, otherwise do the oppositve... so she give her assignments and she slowly applied them... it was a success, Masha Allah

So what I am trying to say sis is that, why dont you try to see the big picture? and little research why she is acting like that.

I also agree with Brother Aadil, there are many things worse than that, Hmmm,,,, I used to live with my sister for 3yrs, I am not allowed to eat (month), watch tv, talk, smile, use computer & even one time she caught me showering she told me to leave the bathroom because I am not buying soap, and many horrible stories,, I was 17 then,,, Allah helped me, I had patience, I didnt speak & after school or work I would lock my room and sleep. Many stories to tell but ISLAM made me forgive her 100% and this Ramadhan alhamdollelah I approached her so we are communicating, however my younger sister who lived with her for like 2months didnt survive and they are not talking till now, anyhow I know its not easy to completely forgive unless you do it for sake of Allah.

I believe she lacks of education or guidance, perhaps you can buy her some hadith to read on and compliment it with a good gift (vise versa) and notes like "mom i appreciate you care for us, and I will learn from you and try to fix our things, I am not here to be burden to you and I dont like you to be tired.... THEY call it humility,, try to do it for sake of Allah (DONT USE BUT please, use also, and etc) ..."

I dont mean to offend anyone but wouldnt suggest to lock the room, if you approach her in that way, there will be gap forever and problems will never be solved.

I also see from your statement that she needs attention and shes not black heart, she is not treating you in bad way really and she even apologize to you, maybe her family left her like that, all household duties, nothing more,,, please try to approach her in Islamic way and I am sure if you add some patience, you will gain her trust and she will also feel comfortable with you. Most of the time, i dont look for what others can offer me, instead I see the possibilities and give what i can offer best. I am cool with my mom in law, alhamdollelah

Inshallah you can decide and do the best. and May Allah grant you patience to overcome this trial. Asalam

 

[anonymous]

My husband told me to lock the bedroom door from the start when she first came in our bedroom & interfered but I refused as that will give her the chance to say I do something terrible like that. And I don't want to have to lock it to keep her out, I want her to not come in herself with understanding & mutual respect.

When she said sorry that day she said it in a really bad way as if she was admitting defeat & did it in a further humiliating way acting as if to say "fine you're the queen, i say sorry, enough?" which was in itself really upsetting as I never had that attitude towards her & my husband had simply gone to tell her not to be so mean for no reason & to actually talk to me. Since then I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but it's just not going to work.

She ignored me all of yesterday & today when I came home from work she ignored me & then walked out of the house saying in a harsh way "we're going" and locked the door leaving me alone having no idea where they went or how long for. And in turn she has no idea what I'm doing & the fact that I was going to make something for them. I know you might say I can talk to her myself, but I do and I'm met with either the most unenthusiastic curt answer or just an "oh". And when you come in the house & someone obviously ignores you & moves around quickly & leaves, then what can you do.
She also continuouslly makes negative assumptions about my family that are completely untrue. And judges everyone so harshly over nothing. My husband told her off for this last night and pointed out that she doesn't even pray so can she judge things about people that are harmless. She's now not talking to him either and he's so upset that he hasn't been able to provide a happy home for me and that I essentially have no mother in law other than the fact that we technically live in the same house.

It might sound just petty problems to people and ofcourse there are people with worse situations but then that's not really fair to dismiss my problems & feelings because someone else will have it worse. To come in to a new home & be scared & to have absolutely no support, love, welcome, conversation or acknowledgement makes for a really miserable life & not the happy life I envisioned with my inlaws.

We are saving to move out but it is so hard to find and buy a first home & I'm sure my mother in law won't make it easy for us - even though she acts like she doesn't want me or him recently. It's all for show, if we moved out so soon then what would other people think etc.

I cried so much after sehri last night & so did my husband, she ignored us through the whole meal, even when my husband tried to talk to her. And at one point I caught her staring at me in a really scary manner. I feel so scared and so upset this has happened, I genuinely thought she was nice as she had not shown any sign of this before the wedding & my husband says he wasn't either. So it's clear to me she decided she doesn't like me before I even set foot in the house, which is why even my first day here was awful - one of the worst days of my life in fact. It's not like she had any reason to hate me from then already, so it seems to be just something she's decided & nothing changes it for her & she wants nothing to do with me except for when she can show others she has a daughter in law & it's great.

I am protecting my parents from all this as it would break their heart to know any of this. My husband is being very supportive & looking after me so I'm grateful for that and having all the blessings I have. But a bad mother in law can ruin a girls life, and only people who have been in that situation will understand.

 

[Alpha Dude]

My husband told me to lock the bedroom door from the start when she first came in our bedroom & interfered but I refused as that will give her the chance to say I do something terrible like that. And I don't want to have to lock it to keep her out, I want her to not come in herself with understanding & mutual respect.

Sister, this is like leaving your car unlocked and saying 'I don't want to lock it, potential thieves should take responsibility for their own actions and not steal it'.

Of course you want your mother in law to be appreciative of your privacy but she has issues with her character which prevent her from doing this. So, the most reasonable thing for you to do in order to avoid any invasion of privacy and to have a bit of space for yourself until she shows more maturity, is to lock it. Don't make things harder for yourself unnecessarily.

Your mother in law does have problems. She has a number of character flaws, as do all of us. You might come from a happy family (mashaAllah) but there are horrible people out there. We can't change the thoughts and behaviour of people overnight and we can't expect them to be perfect either, so no point being upset over it. Just make dua, give her guidance as best you can and leave the rest to Allah.

 

[anonymous]

My husband went to talk to a wise relative who is a maulana and told him everything in confidence and asked for advice. He was very shocked to hear the scenarios & especially the insistence of coming into our bedroom and snooping around and making our bed to make a point made him exclaim astagfirullah and he also advised putting on a lock & my husband explained that he told me that from the start but I didn't want to creat further bad feeling. Well now I have changed my mind about that due to further things that have happened since my last post today & due to finding that she also came in our room today. But I still stand by my reasons for not wanting to do it originally as it will create further bad feeling & give her the chance to say I lock the door in HER house. She will hate me more and it will worsen the situation in a lot of ways, so while it will stop her coming into our room, it will make the overall and actual problems worse.

The maulana also advised we move out as soon as possible and take hotel breaks whenever it gets too much and that the parents shouldn't take the view that theyre doing us a favour by letting us stay there as essentially we are doing them a favour by giving them our time and presence, especially at this newly married time in our lives and through choice and good intentions of being there for them. And theres nothing in Islam that says the couple should stay with the in laws, its cultural & personal choice to do something to make family bonds. But now she's driving away her own son by doing this and ruining things for herself. She had gained a daughter & now she's going to lose the new daughter & the son at this rate.

 

[gladTidings]

Salaam sis.

My sister went through somewhat similar ordeals when she first got married. I, myself, have lived with difficult personalities. I understand that it must be a complete shock to the system especially if you come from a loving home. Firstly, just want to point out that you are incredibly lucky that your husband can see things the same way you do and is not siding with his mother.

Since she is not speaking with you at the moment your actions around her are crucial. Although you are hurting, try to make effort in your actions to treat her with kindness. Don't be put off by her ways of cleaning and her habits, she probably will not be changing them so you have to make yourself unaffected by it and live with it. Your prayers are important but Islam also gives a great emphasis in maintaining links with your family.

Maybe you could get up before she does and make suhoor or stay up later to wash up or help her with the iftar. Maybe these actions will soften her heart. When you aim to act in kindness towards her make your intention solely to please Allah swt and inshAllah you will be rewarded for it. When we aim to please people for any other sake and do not achieve this we are often left hurt. This is also like a test and after this initial hardship inshAllah ease will follow.

Your kindness and patience will inshAllah increase the respect your husband has for you too and hopefully strenghthen your relationship with him =).

 

[جوري]

You guys should move out as soon as you are in a position to do so.

agree.. I must admit and ashamed to say I chuckled quite a bit with the part to do with the 'fake kitchen' and the neat kitchen for show pls. forgive me and may Allah swt ease your affairs..

ameen