Should the past of your potential spouse matter?

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geisterfahrer

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Hey, I am so sorry if there is a thread regarding the same matter. :/ if there is, please help me be directed :)

But anyway.. to the point.. say you were seeing someone with the intention of marriage, and currently, they are getting quite religious and are on a really amazing path to become even better and to be a great Muslim .. buut .. their past is a bit .. :/ not good.


What would you do? Should their past matter, even though they have repented and have changed for the good?
 
Personally I'd say it doesn't matter. I'm not perfect and my pre-Islam life was very bad. I wouldn't want someone to judge me based on the actions of who I used to be. People can change only if they want to. I wanted to, and I've known people who have changed for the better. It can happen.
 
:sl:

My sister, one of the major struggles in this life to fight the nafs and disassociate ourselves from what displeases Allah. Then if someone, be it a man or woman is fighting that battle and doing a pretty good job of it, shouldn't they be appreciated and respected as someone who wants to earn the pleasure of Allah? What could be more sweet than that?

There are people who've not had a bad past but they don't care for the akhirah either. I hope that makes this persons position clearer insha Allah. : )
 
geisterfahrer said:
Hey, I am so sorry if there is a thread regarding the same matter. :/ if there is, please help me be directed :)

But anyway.. to the point.. say you were seeing someone with the intention of marriage, and currently, they are getting quite religious and are on a really amazing path to become even better and to be a great Muslim .. buut .. their past is a bit .. :/ not good.


What would you do? Should their past matter, even though they have repented and have changed for the good?
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People can change. The sahaba are the greatest example of a people who became simply the best from an evil past. However, the question remains – has the person really changed? Was their repentance really sincere, so that they never return to their past again? The truth of this is only known to Allah and the individual, and I can only say this: you won't really and truly know someone unless you see them remaining steadfast as time goes on.

When times are easy you'll see them as a pious individual, when trials and tribulations effect a person then the reality of his heart begins to surface. In any case, pray istikhaara so that Allah may guide to what is best inshaa'Allah.
 
I understand and I completely agree with you brothers and sister. It would be the exact same advice if someone had asked me the same thing.
But now that I am actually in the situation... it just feels like... I don't want someone like that. I am quite religious myself right now, and that is the reason he wants me too, but I can also say my past wasn't perfect. But it wasn't even close to the things he's done. I would never go near something like he has. Yet I feel as though it would be hypocritical of me to say no. It took me less time to decide to change, but it took him a much much longer time. And he was brought up in a very religious family, yet my family was barely religious. I am not trying to imply that I am better .. I just feel like.. maybe.. I deserve better?

Now that is an incredibly arrogant thing for me to say, I do apologize, but I can't help but feel this way.
I don't want someone with a squeaky clean past, just someone who, like me, has never even been tempted to go near such things [that he has].

And another thing, I do not wish to confront him, either. He doesn't want me to know, I am not even supposed to know but I found out.
He's a changed man, yes... but it still makes me wonder.. how could he have done certain things when he was brought up so well? How on earth did he ignore it for so long? I know he's changed for sure right now, but it makes me doubt the kind of person he is(/was?) when he's done so many wrong things when he knew they were wrong.

Please, please help a sister in need. This issue has been bugging me for the past few days [since I've found out] and I can't focus on my life anymore... I am so confused. :(
 
:sl:

Just do istikhara( the specific dua of taking guidance from Allah in such matters, find from the net, it is done at the end of nafals and night nafals), and pray to Allah swt so that he makes your heart tilt towards the right decision, pray that you may choose the right person.

If you arent ready for him yet, I dont think you should go for it, he's new into changing himself and such people usually fall back multiple times before they actually come clean for good and that needs a lot of patience for a spouse/fiance to deal with. However do not mention to him as to why you leave him at this point, it could turn out sensitive for him, but then if he's so sensitive , it means he didnt change for real in the first place. Be graceful and decent, and ask Allah swt for the best.

best.
 
Istikhara has been done for him, and it has come out very positively, several times. Right now, I don't even question his current faith, because I can see he has changed, and I have also prayed to Allah if he is the one, if I could have a sign.. and I have gotten certain signs, twice. His faith at the moment is perfect.

I sound skeptical, and even stubborn I admit it, but after all this, I still feel like I don't know if I can live with it. He's practically perfect now but the type of person he was before.. I just wish I knew why he was like that to begin with.

Perhaps I could ask him what has made him change in the first place? Would that be a reasonable question?
 
:sl:
geisterfahrer said:
Perhaps I could ask him what has made him change in the first place? Would that be a reasonable question?
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You don't need to ask him what has made him change because I can give you the answer. The only cause why someone turn from the wrong way into the right way is hidayah, Allah guide him.

I know some religious brothers who were bad persons in their pasts. There is who former drug user, there is who former fornicator. Now they have left their wrong behavior and turn into good Muslims. I know their pasts but I don't want to ask them about it because I respect to those who could turn from the wrong way into the right way.

By the way, I remember what a da'ee said in his khutbah "former a thug is better than former a pious person".
 
To be honest, I am quite curious as to what triggered it rather than why, sorry thats what I meant. I am curious because I know what a great family he grew up in, yet he had always chosen to be like this. I guess I just want to know what triggered it. I had a trigger, and I just want to hear his answer as to why he chose it. I know Allah swt guided him and it was all Him, but I just wish to know his conscious reason for it. I had a conscious reason.
He had done many things, clearly with no shame about it for so long, I just want to know what his reason in his mind was for him epiphany.
Would that still be unreasonable?
 
geisterfahrer said:
To be honest, I am quite curious as to what triggered it rather than why, sorry thats what I meant. I am curious because I know what a great family he grew up in, yet he had always chosen to be like this. I guess I just want to know what triggered it. I had a trigger, and I just want to hear his answer as to why he chose it. I know Allah swt guided him and it was all Him, but I just wish to know his conscious reason for it. I had a conscious reason.
He had done many things, clearly with no shame about it for so long, I just want to know what his reason in his mind was for him epiphany.
Would that still be unreasonable?
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Asalaamu Alaikum, sister when a person changes then surely they do regret their past and the person they were then. But they are who they are now from being the person they were in the past. So they learnt from their past mistakes. Some people are just trapped in the dunya and live sinful lives for a while. I am sure most of us wish we could go back and do things better but we can't. So the best we can do is make the best of now.

Allah loves forgiving and waits for a person sometimes even their whole entire lives to ask for forgiveness. Even if our sins were stacked high in the sky if Allah wants to forgive his slave then he will enable his slave to ask for sincere forgiveness and he wil forgive them all their sins. So if a person has asked for sincere forgiveness twith remorse and the intention to never repeat such acts hen who are we to question a persons past. Allah can forgive and guide whoever he wants.

But the rest is upto you now whether you could look really look past his past. Would you ever throw it in his face in the future if you ever had an argument? Would you think about it whenever you were intimate with him thinking of him with the women he was with in the past. You have a lot to think about and i think you should take time out and make isthikhara. If you feel you can look past his past and realise that he has changed from who he was then, then you should marry him as soon as you can. If you really feel you can't and that it wil affect your future relationship and that you may throw it in his face or think about the things he did then do not lead him on but tell him immediately. The decision really is yours.

Remember the criterea for marriage is to look for piety so if you feel he is truly pious and would help you in your deen and in your journey to Paradise then make Isthikhara if your still not sure and make sincere dua and ask of Allah to help guide you to make the right decision.

Make the best of tonight and tomorrow up until Maghrib on Eid day to make sincere dua. I pray whatever is best for you will happen. Ameen
 
geisterfahrer said:
To be honest, I am quite curious as to what triggered it rather than why, sorry thats what I meant. I am curious because I know what a great family he grew up in, yet he had always chosen to be like this. I guess I just want to know what triggered it.
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Everyone has a privacy, and we must respect it. So, don't ask him about it.
 
geisterfahrer said:
To be honest, I am quite curious as to what triggered it rather than why, sorry thats what I meant. I am curious because I know what a great family he grew up in, yet he had always chosen to be like this. I guess I just want to know what triggered it. I had a trigger, and I just want to hear his answer as to why he chose it. I know Allah swt guided him and it was all Him, but I just wish to know his conscious reason for it. I had a conscious reason.
He had done many things, clearly with no shame about it for so long, I just want to know what his reason in his mind was for him epiphany.
Would that still be unreasonable?
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I dont think it would be unreasonable, the conscious reason behind the change does not have to reveal much about the past, just how a person felt towards it, maybe. SO I think you can go ahead and ask, not too directly but in a flow of conversation so that he is able to answer comfortably.
 
:sl:

It could be that even if out of curiosity you did ask, and he answered, the answer might not do down well with you. You could actually end up thinking worse about him than you do now. That would be more harmful for you than for him. After all he is the man who has changed for the sake of Allah, so it'd be better to let it be. I also think people who changed after being bad are more God fearing and repentant in the future. Personally I'd give someone like that a chance. But if your heart isn't in it then let him go. He also deserves someone who looks at what he is today and not what he was before.
 
geisterfahrer said:
To be honest, I am quite curious as to what triggered it rather than why, sorry thats what I meant. I am curious because I know what a great family he grew up in, yet he had always chosen to be like this. I guess I just want to know what triggered it. I had a trigger, and I just want to hear his answer as to why he chose it. I know Allah swt guided him and it was all Him, but I just wish to know his conscious reason for it. I had a conscious reason.
He had done many things, clearly with no shame about it for so long, I just want to know what his reason in his mind was for him epiphany.
Would that still be unreasonable?
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Depends what kind of things he's done, if he's unchaste then that is something to watch out for - he might be carrying diseases and Allah forbid you come across one of his previous partners later on in life.
 
Thank you brothers and sisters for your responses. I appreciate every single one of them. :)
All this got me thinking, and I think I won't say anything for now.
I have decided to give him a chance, I guess I was just caught up in my emotions when I had begun this, and was still listening to my emotions than my head. But I've thought about it, and even though I am not proud of my past either, I've certainly 100% changed and I definitely am not who I was then. I should not be judged by my past, and he deserves that chance also.

It was just the fact that I could not tell since when he had begun on his journey to righteousness.. from my *investigations*, it seems as though his change is very recent, but some things hint that it was from the past. Yet, some things hint that he changed a month ago or less (I've known him for 5 months, and he seemed quite religious from the start). It is very very complicated.
So maybe I ask when it was? He knows when my change happened, I think I want to know his.
I know it won't change anything, it's more of something that will satisfy my curiosity, and clear up my confusion because from everything I've seen, it is impossible to tell.

He seemed very religious when I first met him, but sometimes... it feels like it's more recent. At the same time, still he's seems like he's been religious for a while.

I am sorry for causing a headache for anyone whose reading this, yes it's very confusing, that's why I would like to get it cleared up.
Maybe ask him casually in a conversation?
 
Assalamu alaykum,

Masha Allah that's good you agree the brother deserves a chance. But clearly something is still bothering you. So make istikhara ukhti. Ultimately, it's whether marriage with him is good for your deen, duniya and akhirah that matters, not how long he's been practicing. So do istikhara insha Allah, and if it's good for you, Allah will make it easy for you and bless it for you. And if it is bad for your then Allah will prevent it for you and give you something better insha Allah.
 

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