Why British Muslim women struggle to find a marriage partner

['Abd-al Latif]

But if all of the wives are coming from the "back home", not from UK?.

I have read an article in my newspaper about what Pakistani and Bangladeshi men in UK do. In example, a taxi driver in London married five wives (Yes, five!). All of his wives were coming from Pakistan, not from UK. He brought all of his wives to London and register them as single parents to gain financial support from government, so, he doesn't need to fulfill his wives needs.

Without intention to disrespect other ethnics, bad behavior of a number of Pakistani and Bangladeshi men in UK have been spread in Indonesian newspapers.

The law of Allah is universal. The best of generation practised this and families had never been so prosperous.

The man you mentioned is clearly chasing his own desires by marrying one over the limit.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Those reasons given in the article can also be labelled as fussiness from someone elses point of view.

I think sometimes its more because parents dont approve of their sons/daughters choice, so girls can struggle to find someone thats both appealing to them as well as their parents. And Pakistani parents (the ones I have come across) are VERY fussy. A lot of them dont approve of their kids even wanting to marry someone from another eithnic background let alone actually going ahead with it. But this goes for boys and girls so not too sure where the article got its subjects from.

It is also true though that women prefer to marry someone from a similar background as them. Maybe because it is easier to relate to someone who has had a similar upbringing.

I have a friend from Sri Lanka who married a Punjabi Pakistani Muslimah.

That being said, if Allah swt blesses me with a daughter, I'd make sure she only gets married to a practicing Pakistani Muslim, who will look after her and will be from her own ethnicity.

So I am glad that I could be FUSSY.

 

[Who Am I?]

I have a friend from Sri Lanka who married a Punjabi Pakistani Muslimah.

That being said, if Allah swt blesses me with a daughter, I'd make sure she only gets married to a practicing Pakistani Muslim, who will look after her and will be from her own ethnicity.

Yeah, see, this is one thing I worry about as a white guy, a sort of reverse discrimination on the part of Asian and African born Muslims against Western white converts. Not just when it comes to marriage but with relationships in general. There have been a few times when I get strange looks from some of the brothers when I go to masjid to pray.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Yeah, see, this is one thing I worry about as a white guy, a sort of reverse discrimination on the part of Asian and African born Muslims against Western white converts. Not just when it comes to marriage but with relationships in general. There have been a few times when I get strange looks from some of the brothers when I go to masjid to pray.

W salam,

lol, how is this discrimination? I am not racist, we both can have lunch together on the same table. But you do have to understand that many Muslims (of my parent's generation) are very wary and suspicious of White people. Not because they hate them, but because British (and French and Dutch) colonialism (which was once again dominated by White people) over the last 300 years have imprinted a very wrong image of white people, cultures of white people etc on people from back home. I think it is wrong, but you have to also understand where they are coming from. They have suffered a lot and they have seen their parents suffer due to Colonial hegemony on their lands, and they began to associate it with European cultures to make sense of what was going on.


Just because someone does not want their daughter to marry from other ethnicity, it does not mean they are racist or something. Everyone has their preferences.

As for British convert women not being able to married, it relates to the fact these women are more educated, more outgoing, unaccepting of cultures from back home, so it is only natural that many Muslim men would rather marry someone from their own race etc rather than marrying someone who was grown in environment where sex education is given at 5th grade, where ideas of feminism and materialism are widely accepted etc. I have many a times many native Canadian friends tell me how they wish they could be in a relationship with immigrant Muslim girls.

 

[Aprender]

Just because someone does not want their daughter to marry from other ethnicity, it does not mean they are racist or something. Everyone has their preferences.

Still, the way it's worded would leave one to believe there might be some racist undertones there. Not accusing you of being racist, but coming from an American perspective where racism is still a hot topic, especially the area that I live in, saying this would get you into a dispute with many people.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Secondly, I have heard of LOTS of women being mistreated by in-laws. Im not saying all in-laws are bad, but women should not be expected to live with them as soon as they are married. Its like they are marrying the family, not the guy, which is really sad IMO.

I have seen patients who was a mother in law and her daugter in law locked her in a room and starved her to death.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Still, the way it's worded would leave one to believe there might be some racist undertones there. Not accusing you of being racist, but coming from an American perspective where racism is still a hot topic, especially the area that I live in, saying this would get you into a dispute with many people.

Well then I guess it is time Americans start accepting the freedoms of others as much as they want theri own freedoms. So if someone says they are really into Asian girls and not American girls, that is not considered racist?

 

[Who Am I?]

W salam,

lol, how is this discrimination? I am not racist, we both can have lunch together on the same table. But you do have to understand that many Muslims (of my parent's generation) are very wary and suspicious of White people. Not because they hate them, but because British (and French and Dutch) colonialism (which was once again dominated by White people) over the last 300 years have imprinted a very wrong image of white people, cultures of white people etc on people from back home. I think it is wrong, but you have to also understand where they are coming from. They have suffered a lot and they have seen their parents suffer due to Colonial hegemony on their lands, and they began to associate it with European cultures to make sense of what was going on.


Just because someone does not want their daughter to marry from other ethnicity, it does not mean they are racist or something. Everyone has their preferences.

As for British convert women not being able to married, it relates to the fact these women are more educated, more outgoing, unaccepting of cultures from back home, so it is only natural that many Muslim men would rather marry someone from their own race etc rather than marrying someone who was grown in environment where sex education is given at 5th grade, where ideas of feminism and materialism are widely accepted etc. I have many a times many native Canadian friends tell me how they wish they could be in a relationship with immigrant Muslim girls.

<=== History nerd.

I know all about the legacy of colonialism in Africa and Asia. I used to have a lot of "white man's guilt" about what happened during that time. But that's the thing: the only way we're ever going to get over ourselves is to drop these preconceived notions about other races and other cultures. Yeah, I'm a white guy who happens to be a lazy American, but that doesn't mean that all of us are. ;D

Anyway, I wasn't calling you a racist, brother. Whether you are or not does not matter to me. That's between you and God, and it is not my place to judge you for that. I was merely pointing out that I do fear that some Muslim families might not want their daughters to marry me if and when I ever am ready to take that step.

Maybe this fear is unfounded. But I do know that I have met women of other ethnicities who straight out told me that they prefer their own kind. I was even on a date with one Latin girl who told me that. I wanted to ask her why she was on a date with me but I didn't. Maybe I should have. Honestly, I have always been attracted to Asian and Latin women over white women. Does that make me racist? I don't know. Again, it's not my place to judge.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but considering the obstacles that are in my path, I may have to be, and honestly, that bothers me a little. So I hope you can understand why this is a sensitive issue for me.

 

[Aprender]

Well then I guess it is time Americans start accepting the freedoms of others as much as they want theri own freedoms. So if someone says they are really into Asian girls and not American girls, that is not considered racist?

Someone then might say to that guy "Well, what's wrong with American girls?" And then some stereotypes of an entire group of people might follow in response to that which could be considered racist even if it wasn't necessarily meant in that way. :hmm:

I'm not saying that you're wrong or calling you a racist or anything of the sort. I'm just saying that's the perception that some people would have from those words. I can understand a fathers want to make sure his daughter doesn't end up with the wrong kind of guy.

But to relate it to the topic it saddens me that there are some parents out there who would disapprove of their son marrying me because of my nationality or ethnicity. That and because, well, it's happened to me before when I was a child that a mother did not want her son anywhere near me because of my ethnicity.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

<=== History nerd.

I know all about the legacy of colonialism in Africa and Asia. I used to have a lot of "white man's guilt" about what happened during that time. But that's the thing: the only way we're ever going to get over ourselves is to drop these preconceived notions about other races and other cultures. Yeah, I'm a white guy who happens to be a lazy American, but that doesn't mean that all of us are. ;D

Anyway, I wasn't calling you a racist, brother. Whether you are or not does not matter to me. That's between you and God, and it is not my place to judge you for that. I was merely pointing out that I do fear that some Muslim families might not want their daughters to marry me if and when I ever am ready to take that step.

Maybe this fear is unfounded. But I do know that I have met women of other ethnicities who straight out told me that they prefer their own kind. I was even on a date with one Latin girl who told me that. I wanted to ask her why she was on a date with me but I didn't. Maybe I should have. Honestly, I have always been attracted to Asian and Latin women over white women. Does that make me racist? I don't know. Again, it's not my place to judge.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but considering the obstacles that are in my path, I may have to be, and honestly, that bothers me a little. So I hope you can understand why this is a sensitive issue for me.

Yes there are many Muslim women who may not consider you for marriage because of your ethnicity but then there are also many that would. Look at things positively. Allah is the match maker. He finds us the partners we are destined for.

So as long as we go about finding a partner in the right way within the boundaries of Islam and make the effort and ask of Allah then inshallah he will find us the right partners.

So dont be negative and lose hope but go about things in the right manner, make effort and put your trust in Allah and things will work out for the best inshallah.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Someone then might say to that guy "Well, what's wrong with American girls?" And then some stereotypes of an entire group of people might follow in response to that which could be considered racist even if it wasn't necessarily meant in that way. :hmm:

I'm not saying that you're wrong or calling you a racist or anything of the sort. I'm just saying that's the perception that some people would have from those words. I can understand a fathers want to make sure his daughter doesn't end up with the wrong kind of guy.

But to relate it to the topic it saddens me that there are some parents out there who would disapprove of their son marrying me because of my nationality or ethnicity. That and because, well, it's happened to me before when I was a child that a mother did not want her son anywhere near me because of my ethnicity.

Many people are still bound by their culture which is still deeply rooted but this is slowly dissapearing now as those cultural restrictions are mainly from previous generations. Our generation think differently and are more educated and open minded. That is why now you will see many more mixed race marriages. This new trend is on the increase and soon there will come a time where such backward cultural restrictions will dissapear forever.

Yes many people may not consider you because of your ethnicity but what about the many who will? Therefore have hope and put your trust in Allah. He will find you soneone best for you inshallah.

 

[GuestFellow]

:salamext:

One things for sure, polygamy would solve the problem. :X

:wa:

I highly doubt it. It is expensive to marry 4 wives. :skeleton:

 

[joyous fairy]

I have a friend from Sri Lanka who married a Punjabi Pakistani Muslimah.

That being said, if Allah swt blesses me with a daughter, I'd make sure she only gets married to a practicing Pakistani Muslim, who will look after her and will be from her own ethnicity.

So I am glad that I could be FUSSY.

Why is that? What if she really liked someone that was from a different race to you, and that person was a good practicing Muslim? Would you not allow that?

I have seen patients who was a mother in law and her daugter in law locked her in a room and starved her to death.

That is sad. Ok, yes sometimes daughter in laws are mean as well. I didnt say all in-laws are bad anyway, theres good and bad everywhere. But my main point is, living with in-laws can create lots of problems.

 

[Who Am I?]

Yes there are many Muslim women who may not consider you for marriage because of your ethnicity but then there are also many that would. Look at things positively. Allah is the match maker. He finds us the partners we are destined for.

So as long as we go about finding a partner in the right way within the boundaries of Islam and make the effort and ask of Allah then inshallah he will find us the right partners.

So dont be negative and lose hope but go about things in the right manner, make effort and put your trust in Allah and things will work out for the best inshallah.

Yeah, I did sound like I was whinging a bit, so I apologize for that.

No, I have many things to change before I am even ready for this step. It's not worth worrying about at this point.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Yeah, I did sound like I was whinging a bit, so I apologize for that.

No, I have many things to change before I am even ready for this step. It's not worth worrying about at this point.

:wa:

Can a person ever really be fully ready for anything? Will our trials ever end? Will our stresses and problems ever cease? Will we ever be stress or problem free? Another question we could ask ourselves is are we ready for death? But whether were ready or nor death will come to us. So when someone says they are not ready I always think but then using that logic a person will never really be ready because they will continue to be tried and tested with hardships. They will continue to face adversities, problems and stresses. As long as one has ones sanity then a person is ready. Thats my take on it anyway.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Why is that? What if she really liked someone that was from a different race to you, and that person was a good practicing Muslim? Would you not allow that?

No I wont really allow that. I can find as good practicing Muslim guys for her from my own community too, no? As for her like, for her to like someone, it means she has to have conversation with the guy etc, I'd make sure that she does not hang out with non-mehrams. And even if she develops a crush for someone at school, it does not mean that you get whatever you like. Life is unfair. I wont marry her against her choice, but it does not mean I'd give into all of her likes/desires either.

Moreover, if the guy happens to be convert, which is amazing, but his family happens to be kaafir, I am not sure if I'd want my daughter to have to deal with kaafir in-laws. Again, I'd be happy to help the guy in giving dawah to his family, but marrying into their family is not necessary to give good dawah.

When Allah swt says that first try to find poor ppl in your family and then give them zakat, and then move out into wider community, why should I ignore good practicing Muslim guys from within my wider family to marry my daughter (if I have one)? Why not from my community? Plus what sort of grand kids, if Allah blesses my daughter with children, would I want to see? Those who are confused about what ethnicity theirs is? I know that Islam is our priority but Allah swt also has told us that we are all different so we can recognize each other. I'd like to maintain this difference, when it comes to my daughter, and grand children.

 

[CosmicPathos]

This new trend is on the increase and soon there will come a time where such backward cultural restrictions will dissapear forever.

And the new trend is also bringing with it wider issues of divorce, incompatibility etc. Let us not become arrogant and call our parents and their generation backward just cuz we think/feel that we are open-minded just because we have grown up in the country/cultures of kufaar and can speak better English than our parents.

 

[CosmicPathos]

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but considering the obstacles that are in my path, I may have to be, and honestly, that bothers me a little. So I hope you can understand why this is a sensitive issue for me.

I think you are worrying for no reason. if Allah has destined you to marry someone from other ethnicity then that will happen. I do not think you should be worried about that.

But I am just curious, why are not you interested in a white revert to Islam, provided she is beautiful, and all that you are looking for? Do not you think there would be more commonality between you two, such as both reverting to Islam, both growing in same country/culture/christianity background etc, than lets say if you marry a Latino Muslima?

 

[ardianto]

@bro Who Am I

Remember this story? http://30mosques.com/2011/08/nors-letters/

That's a story about a White American convert who married a Malay woman. Malay people (Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore native, Brunei, Philippine) are different. They will not reject someone just because race diversity.

Frankly, when I was young I 'softly reject' an Arab girl who tried to approach me. I rejected her not because she is Arab, but because I still wanted to being alone.

 

[CosmicPathos]

@whoamI: plus we all have ardianto here, you can rely on him if you decide to marry an Indonesian muslima! I am sure, his wife has many single friends