to divorce or not...a wifes choice..

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asslamalaykum

i have been married over twenty years and have three children two grown up..
my husband has a second wife,,,,since 6 years,,,it was ok in the beginning somehow but then we had many deep problems,,,and nearly divorced many times,,,now things are calmer and in his opinion life is ok,,,but it is not,,she lives in my house,,,and ifeel like a house guest,,
my husband and i are polite and even caring to one another,,but do not have normal communiation or rrealtions as married couples

am iable to ask him for divorce.. its harder as ilive in an arab country and really dont know what my rights are
or maybe its simpler to travel back home and ask for it from there

any reasonable advice wouold be welcome
 
anonymous said:
asslamalaykum

i have been married over twenty years and have three children two grown up..
my husband has a second wife,,,,since 6 years,,,it was ok in the beginning somehow but then we had many deep problems,,,and nearly divorced many times,,,now things are calmer and in his opinion life is ok,,,but it is not,,she lives in my house,,,and ifeel like a house guest,,
my husband and i are polite and even caring to one another,,but do not have normal communiation or rrealtions as married couples

am iable to ask him for divorce.. its harder as ilive in an arab country and really dont know what my rights are
or maybe its simpler to travel back home and ask for it from there

any reasonable advice wouold be welcome
Click to expand...

:sl:

Sister these issues are best dealt with my a local reliable and experienced scholar who will be able to give you the best Islamic advice and help regarding your issues. Can you not locate one? If not then if you tell us your town we may be able to locate one for you.
 
salam
shukran brother
there are many scholars...but where ilive its hard for a woman to go alone and cant go anywhere wihtout my husband knowing,,,
 
Asalam Sister

I understand your feelings and I have to mention, mashallah you are in Jihad for 6years!!!
Subhanallah may Allah ya Rabb reward you so much for this

I am not fit to give you an advise, however I wish you can discuss this matter to your husband, you have survived 6years and inshallah you meant to be together till last, with the 2nd wife. Amen, Allah knows what will happen to a woman without a husband :(
 
A wife the right to ask for separate accomodation. If you know your husband can afford to do this, it is something you should consider before quering about divorce. Divorce should be the absolute last resort.
 
anonymous said:
salam
shukran brother
there are many scholars...but where ilive its hard for a woman to go alone and cant go anywhere wihtout my husband knowing,,,
Click to expand...

Then sister you should call a scholar near your area or in your locality as he would be the best person to be able to help you with such an issue. What town are you from?
 
Yes Sis, maybe there are many other ways, being in multiple marriage is truly a hard job but Allah allows it, I think you are one of the capable Muslimah, Mashallah

I hope inshallah you can work things out, perhaps list all the things you are expecting from husband so you can discuss one by one.
 
thank you for your comments.. i know divorce is a last resort,,,sometimes ithink ican deal wiht it but others so hard,, idont feel alive sometimes just drifting through life,,,and have few friends no family around,,just sit home ..the other wife my only company..
and my husband and iare just firneds thats all,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:exhausted
 
anonymous said:
thank you for your comments.. i know divorce is a last resort,,,sometimes ithink ican deal wiht it but others so hard,, idont feel alive sometimes just drifting through life,,,and have few friends no family around,,just sit home ..the other wife my only company..
and my husband and iare just firneds thats all,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:exhausted
Click to expand...

Sister you do need outside help with this. Is there not any Scholars in your locality who you can contact by phone or e mail for help and advice regarding your issue?
 
anonymous said:
well yes and there are plenty of scholars,,but really dont know how to get in touh with them
Click to expand...

What country do you reside in? You can pm me if you want to. I can help you locate scholars in your locality. That is the best option for you as you should not leave things how they are.
 
Asalam Sis

I know someone who is in multiple marriage, she is just 3years elder than me
The husband is good man, I dont wonder why both wife is satisfied mashallah

and yes like you, both wives are friends. Inshallah you can survive this test,

in this regard you may want to remind your husband that he is in sin if he is not treating you both fairly
 
Riana17 said:
Asalam Sis

I know someone who is in multiple marriage, she is just 3years elder than me
The husband is good man, I dont wonder why both wife is satisfied mashallah

and yes like you, both wives are friends. Inshallah you can survive this test,

in this regard you may want to remind your husband that he is in sin if he is not treating you both fairly
Click to expand...

thank you sister.. yes multiple marriages can wirk and iget on wiht her most of the time,,,but the realtion between me and my husband has changed irrevocably,,we are polite and kind but like firends or relatives not husband and wife..and ifeel so empty inside,,
 
Ukhti, I really want what's best for you insha Allah, and I think you should be patient. You said you both still are polite and caring toward each other, so it's not a terrible situation you're in. Even if there was no second wife, chances are over time people grow comfy with each other, and don't have the passion of 20 somethings. You must be in your 40's, so even if you divorce what are the possibilities of you finding a good man when so many unmarried women are struggling int his area? Are you financially able to take care of yourself? You said you can't go out without a mahram, then how will you work if you have to support yourself? Even if you return to your own country, who will look after you financially? These days even parents find their kids a burden, and then you got three dependents. What about the separating the children from the father? I've never considered the lack of intimacy a good reason - especially when there's a good chance these issues can be resolved. Even if you remarry, given your age, it won't be long before you feel there are more important things in a marriage than intimacy. Children can never fill the gap of a companion and there comes a time when you wish you had someone there for you. You never said your husband mistreats you, so being the mother of his kids and having a long history together, he is always going to care more for you and the children than some other man.


I think if it's important to you, you should try to create intimacy between yourself and him. May be he is the one who sensed a change in you when he married another woman? May he feels you don't want him? I strongly advise against getting divorced for the reason you mentioned. At this age sister, we have to look at the practical side of life sis. Please think long and hard and do everything to enhance/renew what you once shared. I don't want your story to fit the saying 'out of the frying pan into the fire'. I mean well sister. Please don't be offended by what I said.
 
Dying Rose said:
Ukhti, I really want what's best for you insha Allah, and I think you should be patient. You said you both still are polite and caring toward each other, so it's not a terrible situation you're in. Even if there was no second wife, chances are over time people grow comfy with each other, and don't have the passion of 20 somethings. You must be in your 40's, so even if you divorce what are the possibilities of you finding a good man when so many unmarried women are struggling int his area? Are you financially able to take care of yourself? You said you can't go out without a mahram, then how will you work if you have to support yourself? Even if you return to your own country, who will look after you financially? These days even parents find their kids a burden, and then you got three dependents. What about the separating the children from the father? I've never considered the lack of intimacy a good reason - especially when there's a good chance these issues can be resolved. Even if you remarry, given your age, it won't be long before you feel there are more important things in a marriage than intimacy. Children can never fill the gap of a companion and there comes a time when you wish you had someone there for you. You never said your husband mistreats you, so being the mother of his kids and having a long history together, he is always going to care more for you and the children than some other man.


I think if it's important to you, you should try to create intimacy between yourself and him. May be he is the one who sensed a change in you when he married another woman? May he feels you don't want him? I strongly advise against getting divorced for the reason you mentioned. At this age sister, we have to look at the practical side of life sis. Please think long and hard and do everything to enhance/renew what you once shared. I don't want your story to fit the saying 'out of the frying pan into the fire'. I mean well sister. Please don't be offended by what I said.
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salam sister ..thank you for your answer..and no im not offended,,i appreciate you taking the time to answer
and your answer really made me think

1. yes your right many marriages lose passion and intimacy after 20 years
2. if iwas divored no way to stay here,,and yes would have to return to my country...and would have to support my self financially not easy at my age and as a muslim in europe
3 .amd yes i have children ..and true no man would are about them like he does

loking at these points it seems sensible to stay and make the best of it

but something inside says to me ..arent ientitled to happiness too..he has all he wants in life..yet ichanged my life for him

my first son has flown the nest...and the second will do soon
ill be left here getting old and loenyl ..few friends no family no emotion ,and past 40 here means past it

back in my country,,so many people start their lives anew at forty..must i give up at life,,,

but you have definitely made me think carefully thank you sister
 
Subhanallah
May Allah reward you Sister Rose for helping our anonymous Sister

Yeah I didnt think about that, yes perhaps Sister it is you who changed not hubby & of course it is pretty normal, jihad is indeed very hard job.

PLS Dontworry Sister, as long as you are righteous, whether sad or not doesnt matter when Allah is pleased with you.

It is easy to say, but really this life is so temporary, time flies, your sacrifices are recorded and inshallah you have the highest place in Jannah. May Allah reward you and give you Sabr, may Allah fills your heart with peace and happiness. Ameen ya Rabb
 
^and you too dear sis Riana, ameen



Assalamu alaykum sis anon,


Thank you for taking what I said good-heartedly ukhti. Al hamdulillah I appreciate it.


Maybe a scholar will tell you it’s ok for you to ask for divorce. Allahu alam. Praise be to Allah, Who in His infinite Knowledge and Wisdom, has made some things permissible because He knows we are weak and impatient, and may do wrong because of it. But there are some thing’s if we bear with patience and piety for the purpose of a greater good, then that is better for us in the eyes of Allah and thus for our hereafter.

[FONT=&quot] [FONT=&quot]“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. [FONT=&quot]Allah knows but you do not know[/FONT].” (2:216)[/FONT]


I’m thinking of your 1 heart on one side and 4 hearts (your children’s and their fathers) on the other side. Four people can stand to lose out and experience a very sad and irreparable loss.


Happiness isn’t a state we can be in permanently. Even couples with the deepest love experience grief and loss, either by lack of offspring, financial struggles, disease, or any trial Allah afflicts them with. It may be that you find a loving spouse but Allah may try you with the loss of something else? Even the Anbiya (peace be upon them) and Allah's beloved Prophet (pbuh) weren’t immune from trials and afflictions. This life isn’t meant to be used to pursue happiness. But amazingly if we pursue the pleasure of Allah, happiness pursues us right into the hereafter.


Rasulullah (pbuh) said, “The average age of my [FONT=&quot]ummah[/FONT] will be around 60 to 70 and few will go beyond 70.” So middle age for us isn’t the 50’s. It’s around about 30-35. That makes those in their 40’s in the last third of their lifespan. So little time, right? It’s not fardh on you, but I wonder how great an honour and status might Allah bestow upon a woman who sacrificed her timely desires to keep her family together, and rather than leave the man who cares for her, supported him with the grace and strength of Khadeeja (ra). Even rose above her natural jealousy and helped raise her co-wife’s children and thereby strengthened family ties before departing from his world. No good deed is ever in vain. Truth proves itself. You can be remembered as the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam remembered Khadeejha after her death, so much so that it made Aisha (ra) jealous. Your children and your husband (and even step children if you help nuture them in their emotional, physical and religious needs) would raise their hands in dua for you for the rest of their lives - duas that come from the depths of their souls out of love, honour and appreciation for what you did for them. Wouldn't this be such a huge blessing ukhti? Yet would it be possible without sacrifices?


Our biggest goal should be wanting to see the Beautiful face of Allah subhana wa ta 'ala. I remember reading in Surah Al Waqiyah, that on the Day, mankind will be divided in three groups. Those on the right-hand- the Jannatis, those on the left (jahanummis) and there will the those at the forefront who will be in the Highest Paradise. Subhan Allah. It just makes one realise that we can't let ourselves be content with the knowledge that we pray 5 times a day, we fast, we avoid sinning etc. But we have to be greater than that if we are going to be amongst Allah most beloveds.

The life of this duniya is like a candle in the wind. We never know when it will be blown out. All our desires will have finished with it. The searched for happiness in the dunya will have ended. We know the only place in which we will find eternal happiness is Jannah.The only place where the love beautiful spouses is guaranteed. The only place where happiness won’t be temporary. If we dwell on what awaits us, it makes our struggles in this life that much more easy.


I know sacrifices require a lot of patience, strength and endurance and they are easily said than done. I wouldn’t blame you either way. I just wanted to show my dear sister that she has so much to gain from it – especially as there are no guarantees about the alternative.


I really hope for the best of you my dear sis. May Allah inspire you to do what is best for you in this duniya and the hereafter. Ameen.[/FONT]
 
This is a very difficult area for any of us who do not know what living such a life is really like to comment on. It is very easy to say remain in such a situation and be patient for the rest of your life but how when your still relatively young? She still has many yearsleft ans soon all her kids would have flocked the nest then what will become of her?

Does the woman not have the right to have her own needs and wants fulfilled and to be given love affection and be given attention? Yes things may go wrong if she leaves but they may also go right. Surely anythings better than living such a deadlife. What if remaining in such a situation is affecting her imaan? What kind of a bitter life would she live knowing she also has a full right to have her needs fulfilled.

I personally think the sister should get advice from her local scholar on this matter and then make isthikhara and ask and beg of Allah particularly in the latter part of the night at Tahajjud time to do what is best for her in this matter.

May Allah do what is best for you in this matter. Ameen
 
Dying Rose said:
^and you too dear sis Riana, ameen



Assalamu alaykum sis anon,


Thank you for taking what I said good-heartedly ukhti. Al hamdulillah I appreciate it.


Maybe a scholar will tell you it’s ok for you to ask for divorce. Allahu alam. Praise be to Allah, Who in His infinite Knowledge and Wisdom, has made some things permissible because He knows we are weak and impatient, and may do wrong because of it. But there are some thing’s if we bear with patience and piety for the purpose of a greater good, then that is better for us in the eyes of Allah and thus for our hereafter.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (2:216)


I’m thinking of your 1 heart on one side and 4 hearts (your children’s and their fathers) on the other side. Four people can stand to lose out and experience a very sad and irreparable loss.


Happiness isn’t a state we can be in permanently. Even couples with the deepest love experience grief and loss, either by lack of offspring, financial struggles, disease, or any trial Allah afflicts them with. It may be that you find a loving spouse but Allah may try you with the loss of something else? Even the Anbiya (peace be upon them) and Allah's beloved Prophet (pbuh) weren’t immune from trials and afflictions. This life isn’t meant to be used to pursue happiness. But amazingly if we pursue the pleasure of Allah, happiness pursues us right into the hereafter.


Rasulullah (pbuh) said, “The average age of my ummah will be around 60 to 70 and few will go beyond 70.” So middle age for us isn’t the 50’s. It’s around about 30-35. That makes those in their 40’s in the last third of their lifespan. So little time, right? It’s not fardh on you, but I wonder how great an honour and status might Allah bestow upon a woman who sacrificed her timely desires to keep her family together, and rather than leave the man who cares for her, supported him with the grace and strength of Khadeeja (ra). Even rose above her natural jealousy and helped raise her co-wife’s children and thereby strengthened family ties before departing from his world. No good deed is ever in vain. Truth proves itself. You can be remembered as the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam remembered Khadeejha after her death, so much so that it made Aisha (ra) jealous. Your children and your husband (and even step children if you help nuture them in their emotional, physical and religious needs) would raise their hands in dua for you for the rest of their lives - duas that come from the depths of their souls out of love, honour and appreciation for what you did for them. Wouldn't this be such a huge blessing ukhti? Yet would it be possible without sacrifices?


Our biggest goal should be wanting to see the Beautiful face of Allah subhana wa ta 'ala. I remember reading in Surah Al Waqiyah, that on the Day, mankind will be divided in three groups. Those on the right-hand- the Jannatis, those on the left (jahanummis) and there will the those at the forefront who will be in the Highest Paradise. Subhan Allah. It just makes one realise that we can't let ourselves be content with the knowledge that we pray 5 times a day, we fast, we avoid sinning etc. But we have to be greater than that if we are going to be amongst Allah most beloveds.

The life of this duniya is like a candle in the wind. We never know when it will be blown out. All our desires will have finished with it. The searched for happiness in the dunya will have ended. We know the only place in which we will find eternal happiness is Jannah.The only place where the love beautiful spouses is guaranteed. The only place where happiness won’t be temporary. If we dwell on what awaits us, it makes our struggles in this life that much more easy.


I know sacrifices require a lot of patience, strength and endurance and they are easily said than done. I wouldn’t blame you either way. I just wanted to show my dear sister that she has so much to gain from it – especially as there are no guarantees about the alternative.


I really hope for the best of you my dear sis. May Allah inspire you to do what is best for you in this duniya and the hereafter. Ameen.
Click to expand...

dear sister thank you for your reply and your concern

yes iaapreciate that we ant always be happy in life and sometimes we lose sometimes we win,,,'
but at the same time surely we deserve happiness
my sons will soon be grown and moved on ihave no family here few friends no close realtion wiht my husband

and yes iknow if imake the sarifice for my family its a good thing but sometimes so hard,,,and ifeel so empty,
but yes iknow life of this world is just temporarty and we should astrive for rewardin the hereafter by our good deeds

it is something i must think a bout deeply
 

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