Assalamu alaykum. I wanted to add somethings to my last post but thought I'd leave it 'til later. I'll raise those points now Insha Allah.
@Brother Hamzah I agree it's very hard. So I'm not saying our sister must do what I said, but that it is an option for the purpose of greater good. I understand if she can't do that and I certainly wouldn't think any less of my sister for it.
However, the following is more or less what I wanted to say following my last post..
I don't think losing closeness in marriage means we should start thinking of divorce . Divorce should only become an option when despite the efforts to both parties to resolve the issue harming the marriage have failed and the marriage has become harmful. I know Islam doesn't imprison a person. But divorce remains the last resort. Our sister said her husband doesn't think there is a problem. So clearly the issue hasn't been addressed openly.
It may be that the sister herself withdrew from her husband when he remarried. Polygamy isn't easy and a woman might feel resentful. In turn this may make it hard for her to show her husband the same love as before. He may pick up on this and feel as if he is forcing her to show him affection. So they both take the easy way and that is to pretend everything is ok when it isn't. That is until one of them thinks enough is enough.
So the point remains that this problem needs to be addressed by the sister, with her husband. If there are psychological issues of feeling inferior to the second wife perhaps the husband can provide assurance. If a person withdraws into themselves and rather than making the effort to make their place and value in a polygamous marriage then the issue is related to their feelings and not necessarily a problem with the marriage itself. Feelings change all the time. Even in the best marriages, no one is feels in love all the time. Hence I want the sister to be honest with herself about where the problem lies and address it before considering divorce.
Personally I am deeply concerned for the sister's future and I would only feel assured divorce is right for her if all attempts to save the marriage had failed. We can't allow ourselves to believe we have tried our best when we haven't as Allah knows better what we do. And when divorce is called the last resort it really does imply that everything possible had been done to save the marriage first.
If the husband provides separate accommodation, and sees the sister in the privacy of her own place, chances are that whatever damage has been done can be reversed. This is why I am disliking the mention of divorce when there are still ways to save the marriage. Divorce rates within the Ummah are increasing, because too many marriage are being thrown away without real attempts to save them.
I'm sure any scholar presented with this case, will ask to see both parties and examine all issues before giving his opinion. Even in the worst marriages they advise patience and recommend ways to solve problems. Then clearly where the request for divorce is not based violence, neglect, or emotional abuse, he will be even stronger in his opinion that a couple try to fix the marriage. Scholars have a great responsibility and they fear being haste in matters of divorce. Insha Allah the sister will find a good scholar if needs be.
I pray Allah guides our sister to be deal with all the issues with the utmost integrity and makes it easy for her and all concerned. Ameen Ya Rabbil alaameen.
salam sister,,thank you fro your kind words and concern
iknow your riiight that divorce is alast resort after everyhitng has been exhausted and after all attempts at reconcilation have failed
yes its true my husbabnd thinks all is ok ,,we went throught deep problems and nearly divorced,,but yes things are calmer now
yes he thinks its ok becasue he has life just as he wants it,,he doesn t understand anymroe how ifeel we never talk fo feelings
he thinks im well taken care of have all i need,,but for some yeARS NOW, noone cares for my emotional needs..he does not..have no family no close friends,,i have boys who are distant not close,,in feelings
its hard living wiht emptiness inside and always trying to put on a brave face,,,and pretend all is fine
my health is susffering im stressed idont sleep,,,
sometimes ifeel icant cope
my husband thinks he has the situation under control and all is fine
and its hard to talk to him and tell him im not at all happy
yes maybe ishould just make the best of it,,,
but then why should icontinue in an empty marriage,,when my third son grows and leaves what will i have left
but ideeply appreciate your advice and wisdom and your making me think carefully
thank you dear sister
