I am being apprehensive about my conduct as a wife, Please clarify some issues !

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ShahBano

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I have joined yesterday. I was raised in a Convent and lived there almost my entire life. Please don't be mistaken, it was a very protected, pure and innocent life there. But I never learnt much about my own religion, neither there nor at home.
Now for the past few months I have this urge to learn about the Philosophy and depth of my own religion-Islam.
I am studying and try to apply on my personal life what I can.

There is an issue in my life which has sort of troubled me as I started learning about Islamic way of life.

I do not live with my husband, I have left him--there was no specific reason, I just do not feel comfortable in the role of a wife. So I told him to leave me at my father's home and country. He asked me once not to go but then he was sort of quiet about it. So I came back.
He is a very well-off man and he can afford as many wives as he wishes. My being with him is not likely to cause him any discomfort.

So, do you think there is some sort of dereliction of duty on my part ?--There should not be any as he is free to marry, re-marry; his religion permit him that and I,too have no issue with it.
Please guide me.
 
Sorry, it's not clear from your post. Did you just leave him but still consider yourself to be his wife? You're not divorced, right?

If you still are married to him then I would say that your behaviour in leaving him is not good. If you wish to leave him entirely then divorce is an option. I don't see why you need to remain married to him but be far away?
 
Why don't you feel comfortable in the role of wife?

This probably isn't the best place to discuss this sort of issue, it may be best to talk to an Islamic marriage counselor (I am too new in Islam to remember the proper titles...forgive me).
 
Alpha Dude said:
Sorry, it's not clear from your post. Did you just leave him but still consider yourself to be his wife? You're not divorced, right?

If you still are married to him then I would say that your behaviour in leaving him is not good. If you wish to leave him entirely then divorce is an option. I don't see why you need to remain married to him but be far away?
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I do not want to take divorce, neither did he ever mention that he would divorce me. Taking divorce means I would again be a target for other marriage proposals and it would be an undue hassle.
I just wanted to know as he never insisted on my living with him, so it means my staying away is not an act of disobedience, or is it ?
 
Alright, if you think my question is inappropriate than I would delete it, no problem. I do not want any discomfort for other members. I personally think propriety should always be placed highest in one's conduct.
 
But why would you want to stay away? You married him, so have to live with him now?
 
Haafizah said:
But why would you want to stay away? You married him, so have to live with him now?
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Recently I read in a book that if a wife disobeys her husband she becomes answerable to God. Therefore , I become a bit apprehensive and wanted to clear this thing that does my decision and desire of not living with him comes under the tag of disobedience ?
He did not insist on my living with him; in fact he arranged a seat for me on military air craft so I can reach my father's country safely. He lives in a war zone. does not it mean that he did not mind my being away and I am not being disobedient in the religious sense.

We do not talk to each other on phone etc. so I don't know what is his current state of mind. I left him almost 3 months ago. and he just called and asked me once if I wanted to come back or not and when I said that I don't intend to . He kept quiet and did not say anything---so, I think it means he has no problem with it.

But I want to be clear on the religious ruling on this thing, so I posted this question here---is it improper to ask this thing on this Forum ?
 
Haafizah said:
Maybe, scholars would be able to answer this better.
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OK, no problem, I would delete my query. tell me how to ?. I am not sure whether it's my browser which is not tallying with this site or I am not good at doing Computer stuff. I somehow can't find the option of " Delete/ Hide " the thread .

On my screen I can see the options of " quote " Reply with Quote and " Multi Quote " but no delete option.
 
You don't need to delete your thread. It's fine. :)

ShahBano said:
I do not want to take divorce, neither did he ever mention that he would divorce me. Taking divorce means I would again be a target for other marriage proposals and it would be an undue hassle.
I just wanted to know as he never insisted on my living with him, so it means my staying away is not an act of disobedience, or is it ?
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If he never insisted then it's not an act of disobedience per se, however you are definitely being a poor wife. When you sign up to marriage, it is pretty much understood that you will live with him and fulfil any rights and obligations he may have over you. He must be feeling sad that his wife left him.
 
you can ask him how he feels about you living away from him. If he is not happy with it, then you are sinning. If he doesn't care, then I don't know if it is still a sin or not.

If he is not happy with you living away while being married, then you are sinning and should get divorce.
 
^ Don't speak about divorce like it's a normal everyday matter - this is the thing that is most hated by Allaah and most loved by the shaytaan.
 
I dont get it, this seems like a decision made in haste... did you marry out of pressure?

Scimi
 
Alpha Dude said:
When you sign up to marriage, it is pretty much understood that you will live with him and fulfil any rights and obligations he may have over you. He must be feeling sad that his wife left him.
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Even i guess that .. the Guy will be sad though he is silent.

I have seen...Some good hearted people sacrifice their desires and be silent just to make others happy....And those (others) people dont even realize that.
 
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Haafizah said:
^ Don't speak about divorce like it's a normal everyday matter - this is the thing that is most hated by Allaah and most loved by the shaytaan.
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in Islam there is no separation (other than 4 months maximum separation where the husband swears not to have relations with the wife and the wife remains in the same house). either the two live together as husband and wife or they divorce. If a woman cannot bear to live with her husband, then she can get divorce. It is the most hated thing allowed in the sight of Allah but at the same time He has allowed it.

The husband has rights on the wife and if the wife isn't giving them, then she is sinning. There are also hadith that state that a woman who sleeps in a separate room (away from her husband) angels curse her the whole night. so what to say of a woman who sleeps in a different house? what great sin she is taking upon herself. If she doesn't want to live with her husband, then yes, divorce is the thing for her. otherwise she is sinning.

do you think that Allah hates divorce but will allow a man and woman to live separately like this one? It is actually worse because when the two divorce, they know it is over and can move on. however, when they remain married, one or both may think that they might reconsile so they should wait patiently, without remarrying. And that can lead them to sin because how long can one be patient away from their spouse?

At the time of the Prophet (SAW) a woman came to the Prophet (SAW) and said that she didn't want to stay married to her husband. The Prophet (SAW) simply asked her if her husband had given her any property, without advising her to remain married or try to make things work, etc. He (SAW) told her to return the gardens she had received from her husband and told the husband to divorce her.

now sister Shahbano knows her situation. if she thinks that she can tolerate living wiht her husband as wife, then she should move back. If she thinks she needs counceling, she can get that. if she sees that she absolutely can't bear to live with him, then living away from him while being married is sin and she should get divorce.
 
Salam Sister Shahbano: Reading over your various responses, I am getting the impression (which can be wrong, so please don't take this as criticism or any form of discouragement from discussing your issue with us) you and your husband married just because. Was this an arranged marriage? I am already pretty certain you are not from typical Western countries (ie Canada, US, the UK).

My earlier suggestion about talking to somebody qualified in marriage issues within Islam was so you can explain in detail whats been going on since you married and can give your husband somebody to discuss his side of things. This counselor would be fully versed in everything relating to marriage life and what each spouse is expected to do.

From what I have read in the Qur'an marriage is a partnership with both sides having responsibilities based on how Allah made us. Men are more suited to certain tasks and women are more suited to other tasks. But the overall impression I have is the man nor woman is 'slave' to the other, but partners. They work together to make a happy and complete marriage and to fulfill obligations to God. It is best to be with your husband whenever possible, and not to be apart for more than 4-6 months. If there is some difficulty in the marriage which cannot be worked out between the two spouses, divorce is an option. It is better to try and work things out than divorce however, but if its impossible then there are guidelines on what is to be done in the Qur'an (I can't remember if its the 2nd Surah (Cow in English) or Women (4th surah?) (I am still very new in Islam and far from memorizing the Qur'an in English, much less Arabic..)

I don't know your husband at all but from what little you mentioned, it seems he's not one to talk about what he feels or thinks. If he remains silent it may not be a good idea to just assume he's fine with how things are. It is probably best if you ask more direct questions, in a polite and inviting way, to encourage him to speak openly. You can ask him 'Will you prefer I come back home?' "Are you upset with me?' etc. You can also express your feelings towards him (ie do you love him? Was it something he had done or didn't do which made you feel unworthy as a wife?)

Also, I am still not clear on why you don't feel you can be a good and proper wife? Most of the requirements of a wife would be much the same as staying in your own place, cooking, cleaning etc. Of course sharing the marriage bed (ie having sex) is part of what is expected in marriage (but if you are not in the mood or he isn't its not right to force it. ) Is it because you care nothing for your husband? I can see an arranged marriage (though even in an Islamic arranged marriage, if either did not want to marry the other, they can refuse and it won't be a sin (or at least that is my impression) may not have the burning passions as a marriage done between two people who are in love.

Once again if talking at length online in a forum about your feelings and situation makes you uncomfortable, it may be best to talk to somebody in you area well versed in dealing with marriage issues. Your local Mosque (Masjid) probably have some information on local marriage counselors to help. But if you are fine talking on here, keep in mind I personally have no practical experience and can only give advice based on my limited knowledge of Islamic practices most is mostly limited to the Qur'an (and I don't have this memorizes as I already mentioned and my copy isn't always accessible for me to search through for good quotes to make.) But there are many far more knowledgeable people on this forum than me who can also help out, Inshallah. I have no clue however, if any are marriage counselors.
 
Abdul-Raouf said:
Even i guess that .. the Guy will be sad though he is silent.

I have seen...Some good hearted people sacrifice their desires and be silent just to make others happy....And those (others) people dont even realize that.
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No, I did not marry him under any pressure. It was a normal arranged marriage as most marriages take place in my culture. My father is a very liberal person--he is the best man on this earth, but he is not a religious person and a bit westernized---he even offered me to meet him when our marriage negotiations were taking place. But I declined the offer. I had no interest in meeting any man. when I was in Convent, men like peons or gardeners or guards were not even allowed to come within the premises of our gardens or living area. So I just was not comfortable with the idea of meeting a man. It's different at my father's place---all servants here have been serving him for more than a decade. Therefore, I do not feel uncomfortable with my father's staff. But I used to feel very awkward with my husband.
 
I do not like the idea of disobedience---I never disobeyed my teachers and my father.

So what I want to clarify is that if my husband does not give me a direct order to come back / live with him and I keep on staying away at my father's place---would it be considered disobedience, or worse dereliction of duty ?

I do not know what he thinks, I do not talk much and I never asked him anything. He did ask me once not to go but I said I wanted to go, so he even arranged a very safe flight for him and even sent his own personal body guards to escort me back to my father's house. He is living in a war - zone----America is punishing his country.

So in the absence of a direct order, I can keep on living happily with my father ? I won't be answerable to God ? I do not want to commit any big sin.

Besides he is a well-off and influential person, he can have many other wives. Before boarding the C-130 I even told him that I won't mind if he marries other women. He did not say anything just smiled. That means he is not against the idea of having other women ? doesn't it ?

I hope I have communicated myself properly to you people. I am not very good at expressing myself.
 
I am sorry----is there any " edit " function in this message posting thing ; I have made some grammatical and spelling mistakes , which are feeling very bad to me.
 

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