Putting up with her

[anonymous]

My brother is married t a shrew. There's no other way to describe her I have put up with her for years for his sake because I love him and he has never denied me anything in the most darkest of hours he's there in some form in spite of whatever maybe going on in his life which is really no small thing. For me the mere fact that he lives with her is Jihad enough let alone all the other crap he puts up with.
Except he never stands up for me with her and she's evil personified astghfor Allah. Everything you can imagine a wicked person would do she does. I don't want to give any specific details as she is incapable of defending herself here but from weekly putdowns, to frank envy and disdain, to going around trying to cause trouble between family members (thinking we don't compare notes) to lying to embezzling for her family who pretend to be Muslim for money and when that is in scarcity then they show their true colors.
She's honestly relentless and never wishes good on anyone not even knowing what hell they maybe going through. So long as she has everything and is queen bee. Imagine for instance nagging my brother to drop three elderly women in the middle of nowhere who only asked to be driven to get their Ramadan shopping done since none of them can drive so she can have dinner in a restaurant (as it is her vacation and none of her business who needs what). I am not going to touch upon the things that he (my brother has to put up with) as she is a sloth, doesn't maintain the house or clean the kids or even brush their teeth. he has to do everything but that's not the part that concerns me for that is whom he chose to marry and may Allah swt make it count in his scales of good deeds. I feel like I have reached my breaking point with her. I have so much crap going on in my personal life which I have decided I will be patient with as it is a test from Allah swt. But nothing at all gives? I can't even find comfort with my family. Social life and work life down the drain but even that part of kinship and family is in the dumps solely thanks to her.
I forgo long ago trying to understand her, some people are just born this way I have honestly come to believe with a sense of entitlement I don't know where it comes from. Syndrome Amerikano I suppose.
There are things in life I can't understand, for instance why women who want children can't have them and yet there are others who seem to abort them as a form of birth control.
Why perfectly refined, intelligent, stunningly beautiful sisters can't find decent brothers to marry in spite of honestly being adorned of all that a man could desire and yet a sloth of a shrew with no degree, no refinement, no manners, no religiosity no love for anyone but self ends up with everything, two homes, one overseas, beautiful children, property, and yet constantly constantly begrudging everyone else whatever she supposes they've even if they maybe drowning in debt, having lost their jobs and no families or children of their own.
I don't wish her anything but well because if anything bad happens to her, it will be my brother who will suffer (although I can't imagine how) I can't even imagine that he has love for her, nonetheless she's the mother to his children and his partner. Why must I suffer with this woman and since I was a teenager since my brother married rather young. It has become so unbearable for me, even though I put a lock on my room, she still complains about that to my dad and brother, who the hell is she to dictate whether or not I should lock my door. Can you imagine that? I try to avoid her and she always manages to find a way to slither into my life and ruin it for me.
How do I deal with this woman? I can't tell my brother anything as he knows. Why doesn't he stand up for us or even himself when she'd rat him out in an instant if she was afforded a more luxurious lifestyle. I despise undereducated women, they've nothing but wiles and the rest of us are simply unequipped to deal with it.
As Ali ibn Abi Talib (ra) said --"Whenever I argue with a fool, I lose" -- so I am not going there I gave up on that long ago as her voice alone is loud enough to wake the dead.
How do I deal with this I am always between a rock and a hard place for most of my life Sobhan Allah.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

My brother is married t a shrew. There's no other way to describe her I have put up with her for years for his sake because I love him and he has never denied me anything in the most darkest of hours he's there in some form in spite of whatever maybe going on in his life which is really no small thing. For me the mere fact that he lives with her is Jihad enough let alone all the other crap he puts up with.
Except he never stands up for me with her and she's evil personified astghfor Allah. Everything you can imagine a wicked person would do she does. I don't want to give any specific details as she is incapable of defending herself here but from weekly putdowns, to frank envy and disdain, to going around trying to cause trouble between family members (thinking we don't compare notes) to lying to embezzling for her family who pretend to be Muslim for money and when that is in scarcity then they show their true colors.
She's honestly relentless and never wishes good on anyone not even knowing what hell they maybe going through. So long as she has everything and is queen bee. Imagine for instance nagging my brother to drop three elderly women in the middle of nowhere who only asked to be driven to get their Ramadan shopping done since none of them can drive so she can have dinner in a restaurant (as it is her vacation and none of her business who needs what). I am not going to touch upon the things that he (my brother has to put up with) as she is a sloth, doesn't maintain the house or clean the kids or even brush their teeth. he has to do everything but that's not the part that concerns me for that is whom he chose to marry and may Allah swt make it count in his scales of good deeds. I feel like I have reached my breaking point with her. I have so much crap going on in my personal life which I have decided I will be patient with as it is a test from Allah swt. But nothing at all gives? I can't even find comfort with my family. Social life and work life down the drain but even that part of kinship and family is in the dumps solely thanks to her.
I forgo long ago trying to understand her, some people are just born this way I have honestly come to believe with a sense of entitlement I don't know where it comes from. Syndrome Amerikano I suppose.
There are things in life I can't understand, for instance why women who want children can't have them and yet there are others who seem to abort them as a form of birth control.
Why perfectly refined, intelligent, stunningly beautiful sisters can't find decent brothers to marry in spite of honestly being adorned of all that a man could desire and yet a sloth of a shrew with no degree, no refinement, no manners, no religiosity no love for anyone but self ends up with everything, two homes, one overseas, beautiful children, property, and yet constantly constantly begrudging everyone else whatever she supposes they've even if they maybe drowning in debt, having lost their jobs and no families or children of their own.
I don't wish her anything but well because if anything bad happens to her, it will be my brother who will suffer (although I can't imagine how) I can't even imagine that he has love for her, nonetheless she's the mother to his children and his partner. Why must I suffer with this woman and since I was a teenager since my brother married rather young. It has become so unbearable for me, even though I put a lock on my room, she still complains about that to my dad and brother, who the hell is she to dictate whether or not I should lock my door. Can you imagine that? I try to avoid her and she always manages to find a way to slither into my life and ruin it for me.
How do I deal with this woman? I can't tell my brother anything as he knows. Why doesn't he stand up for us or even himself when she'd rat him out in an instant if she was afforded a more luxurious lifestyle. I despise undereducated women, they've nothing but wiles and the rest of us are simply unequipped to deal with it.
As Ali ibn Abi Talib (ra) said --"Whenever I argue with a fool, I lose" -- so I am not going there I gave up on that long ago as her voice alone is loud enough to wake the dead.
How do I deal with this I am always between a rock and a hard place for most of my life Sobhan Allah.

My brother jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. May I ask if you are at a marriagable age? Once you do marry are you then looking to move out?

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

I'm confused....is the OP a brother? Or a sister? Sorry.

 

[CosmicPathos]

I despise undereducated women, they've nothing but wiles and the rest of us are simply unequipped to deal with it.

I am sorry but I see some arrogance in this comment. Many educated men despise educated women (worldly degreers) as well and dont prefer them as wives because of ego issues they'd have to deal with for the rest of life, so I really do not see what relevance shooting down an 'uneducated person" just cuz they are uneducated is to the problem.

I sincerely wish you the best in your ordeal with your brother's wife. Hope Allah makes it easy for everyone .

 

[TrueStranger]

If you are living at your brother's house, then I guess you would have to deal with her till you get the opportunity to move out. Just make sure that you do not move your wife/husband ( I don't know if you're a guy or a female) into the same house. ;D

 

[anonymous]

My brother jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. May I ask if you are at a marriagable age? Once you do marry are you then looking to move out?

Even with moving out it wouldn't matter unless I move to another country but I do love my siblings and it isn't very Islamic to cut your ties with kin is it?

I'm confused....is the OP a brother? Or a sister? Sorry.

sister

I am sorry but I see some arrogance in this comment. Many educated men despise educated women (worldly degreers) as well and dont prefer them as wives because of ego issues they'd have to deal with for the rest of life, so I really do not see what relevance shooting down an 'uneducated person" just cuz they are uneducated is to the problem.

I sincerely wish you the best in your ordeal with your brother's wife. Hope Allah makes it easy for everyone .

You should try it insha'Allah. Be beguiled by a woman who wants to marry you for your status and money and be willing to hand you over to your worst enemies the minute she can better you while constantly putting you and you family down.
I didn't say undereducated to be condescending I meant it as the light years in ideology that exist between those who use their knowledge to deal with others and those who use their wiles. Maybe one day you can distinguish the difference since Allah made it compulsory on us to seek education and not backbite you seem to advocate the opposite of both here.

If you are living at your brother's house, then I guess you would have to deal with her till you get the opportunity to move out. Just make sure that you do not move your wife/husband ( I don't know if you're a guy or a female) into the same house. ;D

I don't live with them however whenever they come to visit or every chance she gets she is vindictive and hateful. I don't feel like I can even withstand the one day a week I deal with her.

thank you

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Even with moving out it wouldn't matter unless I move to another country but I do love my siblings and it isn't very Islamic to cut your ties with kin is it?

sister


You should try it insha'Allah. Be beguiled by a woman who wants to marry you for your status and money and be willing to hand you over to your worst enemies the minute she can better you while constantly putting you and you family down.
I didn't say undereducated to be condescending I meant it as the light years in ideology that exist between those who use their knowledge to deal with others and those who use their wiles. Maybe one day you can distinguish the difference since Allah made it compulsory on us to seek education and not backbite you seem to advocate the opposite of both here.


I don't live with them however whenever they come to visit or every chance she gets she is vindictive and hateful. I don't feel like I can even withstand the one day a week I deal with her.

thank you

My sister no one is telling you to cut off relations with your brother or family. But if you have your own life away from your brother and his wife then it is far better seeing as there is much tension between you and your brothers wife. I do understand what you are saying that the problem persists even though you are not living with your brother and his wife but the best you can do is to either to raise it with your brother first of all by speaking to him privately about the matter and seeing if he can do something about it. If that is exhausted then talk to an elder of the family to see if they can speak to her or at least make the family aware of such a matter because then if something does happen like if she behaves badly towards you then at least they are aware and are more likely then to take some sort of action if they see are behaving badly towards you. If everything has been exhausted then the best you can do is to avoid being alone with her as much as possible and when you are around her make sure there are others present so that they also witness what she does or the way she behaves around you. But it is not good to live in hate and bitterness, as this will inevitabley create tensions. If she shows bad behaviour towards you then do not stoop to her level.

Always try to give her goodness in return for however she is towards you and you will find that this pleases Allah a lot. Remember you are doing it to please Allah no one else and by having this type of approach you will gain far more goodness than to react badly or by being bitter and having hatred. Which is not a nice way to live. Just do the best you can each day and bes the best towards her and all others in your family. It maybe that others may notice such behaviour and take action against it or it may even be that by you displaying constant good behaviour towards her that her heart may soften and change towards you.

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[MustafaMc]

If you are not married, then my suggestion is to set an aggressive goal to get married to a compatible spouse who will support you during these difficult times. Visits once a week from someone who clashes with you so dramatically seems much too frequent. Perhaps you could make yourself scarce and avoid the situation until you have a strong enough desire to see your brother again and then on your terms, not hers.

 

[MustafaMc]

Always try to give her goodness in return for however she is towards you and you will find that this pleases Allah a lot.

Most excellent advice. Returning evil with good is a very difficult thing to do as it is contrary to human nature; however, it is often the best way if done with sincerity.

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

^ Plus you turn out to be the better person. Take the high road. As mentioned by other Brothers and Sisters, don't stoop to her level, you don't want to be like her when it all comes down to it. Rise above, my sweet sister, and all shall be well

Insha'Allaah, all shall turn out for the best. Remember whatever Allaah does, Allaah does for the best. ALWAYS

 

[Asiyah3]

I know I am late, but I'd like to add a few points.

That is a trial, sweetheart. But be happy, inshaAllah with your patience you will get her good deeds, and she will be bringing you closer to Paradise and away from Hell. This trial is an expiation for your sins, will bring you closer to Jannah -- as Jannah is surrouded with trials and hardship, patience and tawakkul in Allah, while Hell is surrounded with whims and desires, backbiting, bringing sadness into people's heart, impatience, wronging others... -- and remember you are being tested by Ar-rahmaan Ar-raheem, who only wants your best.

What you are going through is sad if we look at it with our human eyes. But if we look at it from ayn al-baseerah, it is indeed an expiation for your sins, so that inshaAllah you end up becoming clean as pure gold after being put in a hot oven.

Yousuf (as) was separated from his father, his brothers went against him (and the hurt and pain is stronger when it comes from a close person to you. If it's a stranger, one could say 'what does he care about me' but one's own brothers...!), and he was thrown in a well. Judging this from our eyes, we would see this as something awful, in reality it was at this time of hardship, when he received his first revelation from Jibreel:

"Thou wilt tell them of this deed of theirs when they know (thee) not."

I was glad to read you are not arguing with her. Keep following the words of Ali.

As I learned from the words of uncle Woodrow, "You can't change others, but you can change yourself".

من احترقت بدايته ... أشرقت نهايته

Overlook her shortcomings, and don't think badly of her. If you look at her misdeeds (and this is what satan wants), you will find it harder to be content and patient. Instead look at Paradise, look at the water of al-Kawthar, and know that the Day of Judgement is coming.

Regarding what you said about some people being blessed, and others not: Ad-dunyaa 3aradhun haadhr, ya'kulu feehaa al-barru wal-faajir. Wal-aakhiratu wa3dun saadiq, ya7kumu feehaa Malikun 3aadil, yu7iqqul 7aqqa qa yubtilul baatil.

One more thing, satan attacks us based on our level of iman. First, he calls a person to leave the religion. If satan fails, and this person's iman is stronger, he introduces him into bid'ah. If he fails, he makes him fall into the great sins (zinaa, alcohol, murder, stealing etc.), If he fails and this person's faith is stronger, he makes the small sins beloved to him (a haraam look, a song etc. and this person belittles it, not thinking: laa sagheerata ma3al-israar walaa kabeerata ma3al-istighfaar. Laa sagheerata in qaabalaka 3adluh, walaa kabeerata in qaabalaka fadhluh (in other words a small deed that is being repeated, becomes a big sin). If satan sails in the small sins, and a person is of strong faith, he makes one enter into excess in halal (a spacy house, love and care for his money etc. until the worldly matter beloved to him). If he fails in this, he brings his soldiers from humans and jinns, who follow you every moment trying to mislead you.

Look at the goal, you have rights, and you have the Aakhirah. If your goal is high (to be saved from the fire and enter Paradise, and be a winner) then satan and his soldiers from humans and jinns become smaller and he's nothing.

If you at some point feel it's becoming too much, I recommend you say the du'aa of Nooh (Noah) pbuh said when he was oppressed by his people:

"Rabbi, innee maghluubun, fantasir."

”Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” [az-Zumar 39:10]

May Allah grant you patience, and tawakkul wal yaqeen.

 

[Endymion]

Yousuf (as) was separated from his father, his brothers went against him (and the hurt and pain is stronger when it comes from a close person to you. If it's a stranger, one could say 'what does he care about me' but one's own brothers...!), and he was thrown in a well. Judging this from our eyes, we would see this as something awful, in reality it was at this time of hardship, when he received his first revelation from Jibreel:

"Thou wilt tell them of this deed of theirs when they know (thee) not."

And sometime we think those were Prophets,their connection with Allah swt was different from others but lets not forget the woman whose husband left her in the desert with a small baby and she was running here and there in search of water.Her husband didn't even said a word to her when he was leaving her like that in the desert but she knew that its a test from Allah SWT and she decided to accept it and went through it to please her Lord.And look,how her lord grace her effort.After hundreds of years of this incident,millions of people run between those two mountains which are the signs of a woman who trust her lord and showed patience.Its not about being the wife of a Prophet like Ibraheem AS,the noble friend of Allah SWt,its about you yourself.There was another woman whose husband was Prophet but she failed in the test.The wife of Lut AS.

It is your desert and your effort sister.Put it up with grace and patience and Allah SWT is Ghafoorun Shakoor.He SWT will appreciate you in the most amazing manner Inshallah :statisfie