Does it really matter if I marry a virgin or not?

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,

SubhanAllah, its amazing how many self-righteous people there are on this forum!

This entire thread is littered with ayats and ahadith taken out of context, and explained from ones own limited understanding of these issues.
Isnt this in itself a fitnah?

Brothers and sisters,
As mentioned numerously in this thread, the decision to marry a virgin is an individual choice.

Indeed there are ahadith that mention of the benefits of marrying young, virgin women......however, we should also take into account that the most blessed man to have walked the face of this earth, our prophet Muhammed (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) married only one (Ayesha ra), and the rest being divorcees and widows.
In fact, his very first marriage was to an older woman who was a divorcee, with kids!

SubhanAllah.
If this is not a lesson for us all, then I dont know what will be.

Those who speak with such disdain at the idea of marrying men/ women who have been married before, or who have commited some sort of error of judgement in the past (and later repented), most likely are those who - are not married themselves or consider their own sins to be of less importance.

Do remember, that whenever we point one finger at another person, there are three fingers pointing right back at you.

The one who has committed sins that he is so ashamed and remorseful of, may likely be the one who stands all night, every night in salaah begging and crying before his Lord for forgiveness. He may, as a result be so close to Allah (subhanawataála) than the one who thinks he/ she is 'pure', 'chaste', etc and spends each night asleep and content.

Do those who carry this self-righteous attitude think that they are protected for all of their lives as a result of past behaviour?

How many hufaaz and other 'pious' people have turned their lives towards evil??

Reminds me of a poem:

"There were so many who were good
who later in life became bad;
And there were so many who were bad,
Who later in life became Walis"
​

Its a good thing that many of the folk here were not around at the time of the sahaba (ra).
It is man who would hang another over a distant/past fault......but it is Allah that sees into the hearts of man, and raises his/ her rank above all those critical, self acclaimed masses. Alhamdulillah.

Again, it is an individual choice if one wishes to marry a virgin.

But, lets not start judging others - esp. those who have repented and have made clear signs of turning their lives around.

And those who are not yet married, and frown at the thought of marrying those who are divorced/ widowed - do you consider yourselves immune from the same fate?

I had posted this short statement from Mufti Menk a few weeks ago, and i think it is fitting to repeat it here:

Divorce
Mufti Ismail Menk
​

None of us are exempt from going through divorce or experiencing it in the lives of the best of our children or family members.

Hence it is very important that we watch very carefully what we say about those who are divorced and how we treat them, speak to them or look at them.

In many instances, two individually brilliant people divorce, not because one is bad but because together, they were unable to survive. This is proven by the fact that in many cases both are then very happily married to others.

Remember, if your mouth or actions become hurtful to those divorced, there may come a time when you will be dumbfounded by repetition of the same if not worse in your own home!

Never be from those who frown upon, look down upon, criticize or gossip about those divorced, making them feel unworthy.

The Messenger pbuh chose to marry a divorced woman and repeated this type of choice. Had they been “bad” simply because they were divorced, he would have been the furthest away from them.

Shame upon those parents who do not allow their children to consider a divorced spouse. They need to know that many people say that marriages to those previously divorced are more likely to be everlasting.

May the Almighty guide us all and grant us ALL spouses who will be the coolness of our eyes. Aameen

This status was inspired by the cry of a sister. In no way are we belittling those never married. We are simply raising a VERY VERY common and REAL problem in almost every society.


-Mufti Ismail Menk

May Allah azza wajjal grant us hidayat (guidance).
May He fill our hearts with mercy towards others (for He is the Most Merciful).
May we spend more time being self-critical of our own errors, and less time on the errors of others.
May we try and find an excuse to defend the honour of our brothers and sisters whenever we can, rather than look down on them.
And for those who have committed transgressions in the past, may they turn to Allah in remorse and repent ernestly from Him - for He is always ready to forgive, even if our sins are enough to fill all the heavens.
Ameen


:wa:

 

[CosmicPathos]

May I humbly ask what opinion do you hold of the Sahabah? Some of who had much worst "pasts" than a mere Zaniya/Zani would have? What do you say when the Prophet(صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) himself said that their sins were all forgiven the moment they stepped into Islam (which is no different from sincere repentance)?

There was no Islam for saahabah before Prophet brought it. Moreover, they were companions of Prophet, purified and directly educated by him. Moreover, NOT all sahaaabis were ex-zaanis. Are you suggesting that we can compare their case with 21st century zina?

We are not passing a judgment on future of ppl who commit the sin. that's between them and their Lord. We are talking about one's freedom to choose whatever sort of spouse they are comfortable with.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Indeed there are ahadith that mention of the benefits of marrying young, virgin women......however, we should also take into account that the most blessed man to have walked the face of this earth, our prophet Muhammed (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) married only one (Ayesha ra), and the rest being divorcees and widows.
In fact, his very first marriage was to an older woman who was a divorcee, with kids!

We are not talking about divorcees. We are talking about ex-zaanis and ex-zaaniyahs. Were any of Prophet's wives ex-zaaniyahs?

 

[CosmicPathos]

wa'laikum as'salaam,

the kind of man who kept himself pure and expected the same from his wife. If you don't want to look it up then this topic is over.

You have your answer so inshallah go do what you think is best for yourself.

Wisdom! may Allah bless your marriage!

 

[Iceee]

Wisdom! may Allah bless your marriage!

Salaam & Ja'zakallah for you answer.

 

[CosmicPathos]

I find it hard to imagine that if Umar(رضي الله عنه) asked your daughter for her hand, that you would say; "You tried to kill the Prophet in your jahiliyyah days, thus you're still the same person".

Look, let's not compare Umar (ra) with the brothers today. Let's not compare Khadijah (ra) with sisters today. I would consider Umar (ra) just because Prophet had guaranteed him jannah. I wont think about his past behaviors anymore.

 

[CosmicPathos]

You, nor anyone else, has the right to dig into anyone's past.

you have if that person wants to be part of your NOW and future! You have every right to ask "look, we know we both are interested in each other, but I think I would want to know if you were involved in any haraam relatonships in past that you think I should know about so that I am not expecting you to be a clean slate in this department." If he/she lies, then I hope the get punished for that.

It is generally expected that a pious/chaste man would want to marry a pious/chaste woman. If she was not virgin while the man expected that, it is deceit. In the same way if a sister kept herself chaste, she expected that from her husband, but turns out he was a player in his day but has now "sincerely repented", that is also deceit if she was expecting no past relationships.

By pious/chaste, I dont mean never married before. I am talking about adultery/fornication.

Yes, Islam is a beautiful religion as it offers us dua and forgiveness. It however also talks greatly about justice and about upholding other ppl's rights and (reasonable expectations befitting their dignity as humans) and about stopping deceit. Let's take the religion wholesomely and not in parts which fit our biases.

 

[alyhossaix]

I respect you for saying that because there aren't alot of men who can accept it

 

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,

We are not talking about divorcees. We are talking about ex-zaanis and ex-zaaniyahs. Were any of Prophet's wives ex-zaaniyahs?

The comments made in this thread has discussed both divorcees and 'ex-zaanis'. When mentioning the marriages of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) I am clearly referring to his marriages to divorcees and widows.

you have if that person wants to be part of your NOW and future! You have every right to ask "look, we know we both are interested in each other, but I think I would want to know if you were involved in any haraam relatonships in past that you think I should know about so that I am not expecting you to be a clean slate in this department." If he/she lies, then I hope the get punished for that.

Most scholars would advise not to disclose ones past sins:

Question:


I have read some Q&A on this topic, however I wanted to ask specifically about discussing sins with a prospective spouse, as I feel this might be different as they need to know about you. 1) Does one need to reveal their sins to a prospective spouse? What if these sins are in the past, and one has moved forward? 2) What if the sins are in the present, but one has a sincere intention to stop and become a better person? 3) What if they are related to not being married, for example masturbation or not lowering the gaze or pornography, etc. This could be a reason to get married, but does the other person need to know? 4) What if they are not related to getting married, e.g. having difficulty praying Fajr on time or something similar? Would a prospective spouse need to know about this?


Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Dear Brother,

I pray this message reaches you in firm iman, good health, and joyful spirits.

The general principle is that we don't discuss our sinful actions with others, even prospective spouses.
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "All my Community are well, except the revealers." When asked who the 'revealers' were, he replied, "Those who sinned and slept in the covering of Allah, but then tore it off and revealed their sins."

When Allah conceals a sin, it is a mercy for us. The wisdom of not discussing sins is profound. When we talk freely and openly about our past sins, it normalizes them, which is something that we definitely want to avoid.

Now in some situations, particularly when we're trying to convey a lesson to those who could benefit from our experience, then it's permissible to refer to the past in a general way. However, you have to assess the mindset of your audience and the potential benefit or harm of sharing this type of information.

When you're talking to a prospective spouse, obviously a lot of sensitivity is required. Once again, the general principle is that you don't reveal the details of past sins. However, I would add a consideration here, and that is...if you believe that your behavior may have exposed you to any infectious diseases, then you owe it to yourself and your prospective spouse to get tested and to be honest about the results of those tests.

Other than health considerations, however, it is best to not dwell on the past and to, instead, focus on a brighter future, insha'Allah.

Now if the sins are ongoing, such as masturbation and looking at pornography, then it is up to you to put a stop to these behaviors. This is not something you need to discuss with a prospective spouse. However, if you feel that these issues might carry on into the marriage, then I do suggest you seek counseling to deal with these problems and learn ways of changing these habits. You have to put yourself in the mindset that your eyes and limbs have rights. Their primary right is to not be utilized for anything unlawful. You also want to consider the harmful effects of pornography on yourself and your view of women. One of the best preparations for marriage is to lower your gaze from nudity and indecency and look forward to the pleasure of being with a righteous woman. Likewise with the masturbation issue, it's important to understand this is a harmful, unlawful practice. Sexual desire is meant to be experienced and shared with one's spouse. So try to curb these behaviors by fasting, lowering your gaze, and looking forward to a healthy and loving marriage.

Finally, the issue of waking up for fajr is certainly important. And it is not necessarily unrelated to marriage. I think it would be fine to mention to the sister that you would like her assistance in being punctual for prayers. Being married is all about helping your spouse to be a better Muslim. Allah Ta'ala says, "O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded." (Al-Tahrim, 6)

I pray this has been helpful.

And Allah knows best.
http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=13290&CATE=30

as well as: http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=7&ID=2548&CATE=101

For those who follow IslamQA: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/2021/asking about past before marriage
and: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/69769/asking about past before marriage



And for purpose of clarifying the following ayat of the Holy Quraan:

الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ أُولَئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَهُمْ مَغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ (القرآن 62: 24)

​

​

Evil women are for evil men, and evil men are for evil women. And chaste women are for chaste men, and chaste men are for chaste women. Those [good people] are declared innocent of what the slanderers say. For them is forgiveness and noble provision.​

​

(Quran: 26:24)​

​

In this verse, the common principle is stated that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’alā has created a connection between the people of the same nature. Thus, immoral women are inclined towards unchaste men and vice versa. Similarly, pure women are inclined towards pure men and vice versa. Therefore, everyone tries to find the spouse according to ones inclination and liking, and in a natural way one does find one to suit him or her.[2]

It does not mean that it is impermissible for immoral people to marry chaste people.


http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/19857

For those individuals who have sincerely repented for their past misdeeds and have turned their lives around - then surely, they are still not considered as 'bad'/ 'evil' men and women? Their sins, by the mercy of Allah, may have been completely erased - as if it had never occurred.

Understandably, it may not be easy for one be completely unaffected, irrespective of anothers past behaviour.
There are some actions that one may not be able to comes to terms with - and this ok.

While on the other hand, there are some people who do not care at all about ones past - they are only concerned about the persons current state of imaan and taqwa, and on looking forward towards the future.

It truly is an individual decision.

So, it is not the responsibility of any of us, to try to incline our muslim brothers and sisters one way or the other.
Who knows, what a great lover of Allah Taa'la someone may be denying, simply because of a past decision made in a moment of weakness.


For my brothers and sisters who are currently seeking marriage:
It is not possible to know all of a persons past misdeeds. And they are certainly entitled, not to reveal their sins to you.

If you are enclined towards someone, then turn to Allah (subhanawataa'la) for guidance. Read istikhaarah salaah - and ask of HIM, to direct you towards all that is good for you.

Why do we find it so difficult to place our trust in Allah - the only One who knows all the secrets of the past and that which the future holds?


:wa:

 

[ardianto]

Most scholars would advise not to disclose ones past sins:

Former zaniyah who has repent must be has burried her past deeply and does not want to talk about it again. But unfortunately, there are always other people who dig out her past and spread it as gossip.

 

[Abdul Fattah]

The bottom line is that Islam and the Prophet (s) encourages one to marry virgins, especially if they are virgins themselves. This is not to say widows or divorcee shouldn't be married to but rather virgins marrying virgins will better understand each other and will both start on the same page. However this is not an obligation, so if someone finds another person who isn't one but comes from a halal relationship or repented from their haram relationship than the end choice is their to make. As pointed out by Alpha Dude, there are certain social aspects one must consider before going into such a relationship. After that final decision is that of the individual.

No that is not the bottom line at all. You can't just jump to that conlcusion merely beacue there's a hadeeth of the prophet asking this question to a person once. That's why there is usool fiqh. You don't just generalize it into a rule, that's not how it works.

I understand all that you stated. What the brother meant was that you cannot undo what has already been done. One who has done zina cannot become a virgin again, even if they go get the op. While repentance wipes out the sin, it does not give back the virginity nor take away the experience gained. And as such, why should a virgin who saved him/herself all their lives from such a sin be told it's ok to marry such a person because they are repented. yes, if they want than they can. But they have every right to marry someone who has kept themselves as pure as this person did.

Again, the issue is not wheter it's allowed to have a preference. Yes we are allowed that, just as we're allowed to have other preferances such as looks, wealth family and what not. Nobody here is denying w are allowed this. That doesn't mean it's the "most" religious choice. This preferance is a cultural one. And so the correct answer to the origanal question remains, as it has always been:

"No, it's a cultural thing"

I tried to open the subject as to why you find it so important to argue that this is a religous preferance rather then a cultural preferance, but the mods thought I was being to "harsh" on you. Well God knows I tried....

 

[Perseveranze]

you have if that person wants to be part of your NOW and future! You have every right to ask "look, we know we both are interested in each other, but I think I would want to know if you were involved in any haraam relatonships in past that you think I should know about so that I am not expecting you to be a clean slate in this department." If he/she lies, then I hope the get punished for that.

Asalaamu Alaikum,

No you don't, and most of the scholars, based on the evidence have said this. I would sincerely advise you look into it, or even ask a scholar yourself.

Amazing how many people on this thread want to contradict clear Islamic principles. Almost reminds me of Ibn Umar's son, when he heard a hadith of the Prophet he tried to contradict it.

It's reported he never spoke to that son again.

 

[sister herb]

Salaam.

The term "Virgin" is different for everyone. The literal meaning is when someone who has never had sexual intercourse. But you are saying is "Virgin man = no sexual contacts to anyone before, no emotional contacts to other gender."

Big difference...

Salam alaykum

Is female still as virgin for man if she has had emotional contacts to other gender, it not physical?

 

[GuestFellow]

:wa:

Even if you ask your potential spouse whether they have been in past relationships, you still will not know for certain whether they are telling the truth.

 

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

to some male as well to some female it means if they spuse has had any kind of relations to other gender. Physical or emotional.

That I meant when asked if he accept his spouse might had feelings to somaone else.

 

[Perseveranze]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Just wanted to add, since some may be unaware of this;

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “The one who repents from sin is like one who has never sinned.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 4240; classed as saheeh).

​

 

[sister herb]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Just wanted to add, since some may be unaware of this;

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “The one who repents from sin is like one who has never sinned.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 4240; classed as saheeh).

​

Salam alaykum

Great post for think.

 

[ba51th]

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because I have no right to question whether she ever had any relationship with opposite gender or not?

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because I have no right to know whether she still a virgin or not?

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because that woman will lying that she still virgin?

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because I should accept a woman that already repent to Allah and no longer virgin ?



that feeling... the suffer to not have a relationship with any woman, because I want to present myself to a special woman, my lovely future wife... a man... that only her, the woman that ever exist in my heart... only her, the woman that have the right to touch me... only her, the woman that I ever hug... only her, the woman that I ever kiss... only her, the woman that I ever sleep with... only her, the woman that I ever feed with my own right hand... only her, the woman that I ever have romantic dinner with... only her, the woman that I ever flirt... only her, only her, only her, only her, only her, no other woman beside her...

expecting the same from my future wife...





yo muslims, go commit zina as much as you want, after you satisfy your sex need, go repent to Allah, and you can marry opposite sex that still virgin, because virgin have no right to reject to get married with opposite sex that no longer virgin!

 

[sister herb]

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because I have no right to question whether she ever had any relationship with opposite gender or not?

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because I have no right to know whether she still a virgin or not?

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because that woman will lying that she still virgin?

so, I have no right to marry a virgin woman because I should accept a woman that already repent to Allah and no longer virgin ?



that feeling... the suffer to not have a relationship with any woman, because I want to present myself to a special woman, my lovely future wife... a man... that only her, the woman that ever exist in my heart... only her, the woman that have the right to touch me... only her, the woman that I ever hug... only her, the woman that I ever kiss... only her, the woman that I ever sleep with... only her, the woman that I ever feed with my own right hand... only her, the woman that I ever have romantic dinner with... only her, the woman that I ever flirt... only her, only her, only her, only her, only her, no other woman beside her...

expecting the same from my future wife...





yo muslims, go commit zina as much as you want, after you satisfy your sex need, go repent to Allah, and you can marry opposite sex that still virgin, because virgin have no right to reject to get married with opposite sex that no longer virgin!

Salam alaykum

when you marry a woman. Just think she is as innocent than you are. Your rest of the life starts from the day you married.

Isn´t that the most simple to both of you?

 

[Iceee]

Salam alaykum

Is female still as virgin for man if she has had emotional contacts to other gender, it not physical?

Salaam.

I really and truly wouldn't mind if my future wife was virgin or not.
Emotional? Give ma an example? I am a forgiving person and if she repent, she does deserve a new chance at life after marriage. Whether or not she did/din't do zina.