Ishtikhara for Marriage

[Hassan1987]

Couple weeks ago was introduced to this girl for marriage who is same age as me.

She said yes to me after seeing my picture and i said yes to her , so we talked everyday through text and at times by phone , she would call me or i would call her.

And for the first time i really really felt like i was clicking with a girl like i've never really clicked before and she felt the same but she said lets see what happens after our parents meet.

At this point my mum said to me that after we meet them , the girls mum is going to do Ishtikhara then and not before, so i said i'm fine with that and carried on talking to the girl

but my mum being my mum, she already started the Ishtikhara and mashallah it was good signs allah that this is right for me, so i was over the moon about this. Then just two days before my family was supposed to meet them i find out that the girl also asked her mum to do Ishtikhara and her mum also got a good sign that this is the right path and alllah has given his blessing for this to go forward.

Now the girl's mum tells my mum the good news and my mum is happy . So my family sets off on the day to meet them and honestly it felt like my family knew the girls family for a long time

Both familys clicked instantly and the girls mum kept saying to my mum over the phone before that its a yes from them and that matii would be handed out in celebration when we get there.

So we are all there, me and the girl talk for the first time face to face and she asks me first, if i'm happy and comfortable with everything and i say yes i am 100 percent and i ask her the same question she says yes she is happy too , so there was talking but not as much due to the fact i was nervous lol meeting her for first time. So at the end of the family meeting my mum takes me out the room to ask me if i am 100 percent happy with this and i say yes i am . She goes back in the room to say to the girls mum that its a yes from our side but the mum shockingly says that they are not saying no to us but need time to think about it.

So i was angry and could barely look anyone in the eye after that.

Now two days later i find out that the girls parents which are divorced didn't approve of me cause i was to quiet , but when ever my mum phones the girls mum up she is taking kasams that they liked us alot but the girls dads side is saying that they want the girl to get married within the family and the girls mum keeps cussing the dad for putting his foot in and that they shouldnt have called hm down.

Even though the girls mum and my mum have done Ishtikhara which have been good , the girls parents are going against it . The girl keeps saying to me that she cant go against her parents and that it's out of her hands but said to me she doesn't want to let me go and wants to be there for me as a friend , so she adds me on Facebook and i accept , but i also tell her that some things are worth fighting for. The girls mum keeps saying to my mum that they liked us alot . So what am i to do ? , i feel very strongly about the girl and i can definitely see myself spending my life with her, should i fight for her and try and make her see sense ?

 

[ardianto]

Yes, you have to fight to make you and that girl can go to marriage. It's not easy, of course. But do not give up. You and that girl are in the right side.

May Allah help you and give you easiness

 

[Muslimlearner]

You can write the ahadeed about marriage and present it to her father. Allah wants us to fight and be brave.
Istikhara works that way, if it is bad for you, Allah will make it hard to happen. The problems you faced until now are minor, believe me.

Also don't depend on your mother that much, you are not a baby anymore. You can call and arrange meetings with both parties. Nothing to be ashamed of, females naturally like strong men so better smile and talk, be yourself and put your trust in Allah.

I shall make duaa for you.

Fe amani Allah.

 

[Hassan1987]

Thank you brother

At the moment i feel like the world is against me .

I told the girl about Istikhara and she agrees with me about it , but like me she doesn't know what to do at this point

Any advice ?

Yes, you have to fight to make you and that girl can go to marriage. It's not easy, of course. But do not give up. You and that girl are in the right side.

May Allah help you and give you easiness

 

[Hassan1987]

Sorry but could you point me in the right direction about the ahadeed about marriage ?

and yeah i absolutely agree about depending less on my mother lol

also never really crossed my mind about calling her mother to arange another meeting , just thought it would be a bit to disrespecful .

I deffinately plan on talking a whole lot if allah willing there is another meeting with the family.

You can write the ahadeed about marriage and present it to her father. Allah wants us to fight and be brave.
Istikhara works that way, if it is bad for you, Allah will make it hard to happen. The problems you faced until now are minor, believe me.

Also don't depend on your mother that much, you are not a baby anymore. You can call and arrange meetings with both parties. Nothing to be ashamed of, females naturally like strong men so better smile and talk, be yourself and put your trust in Allah.

I shall make duaa for you.

Fe amani Allah.

 

[Muslimlearner]

Is not disrespectful, but will show you are serious. And take some gift with you (for the home, not for the girl! its not permissable non mahrams to exchange gifts)

Here the fatwa and hadith:

Question:

A person proposed marriage to a young woman and her guardian refused, with the intention of forbidding her to marry. What is the ruling of Islaam on this? Deliver a legal verdict for us, may Allaah reward you.
Answer:

It is an obligation upon the guardians to give their charges in marriage early if they are proposed to by suitable men and they accept, according to the words of the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi was salaam:

‘If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, then marry (your daughter to) him. If you do not do so, it will be a cause of trial in the land and great corruption.’ (At Tirmithi no. 1084)


So it is not permissible to prevent them from marrying, in order to give them in marriage to those whom they do not accept, such as their cousins or others, nor in order to ask for a lot of money or other things which have not been legislated by Allaah and His Messenger sallallaahu alayhi was salaam.

It is incumbent upon the authorities, such as the governors and the judges, to prevent those who are known to refuse one, while permitting another guardian to marry his charges, and to permit other guardians to give them in marriage, starting with the nearest relatives and then the next nearest. They must do this in order to prevent injustice, to implement justice, and to protect the young men and women from doing what Allaah has forbidden (unlawful sexual relations) due to being prevented from marriage by their guardians’ injustice. We ask Allaah that He guide us all and make us choose truth over vain desires, for verily, He is All-Hearing, ready to answer.


Shaykh `Abdul-`Azeez Bin Baz
Fatawa Islamiyyah, Darussalam, volume 5, pages 177/178
http://www.fatwaislam.com/fis/index.cfm?scn=fd&ID=90

 

[Alpha Dude]

Even though the girls mum and my mum have done Ishtikhara which have been good , the girls parents are going against it . The girl keeps saying to me that she cant go against her parents and that it's out of her hands but said to me she doesn't want to let me go and wants to be there for me as a friend , so she adds me on Facebook and i accept , but i also tell her that some things are worth fighting for. The girls mum keeps saying to my mum that they liked us alot . So what am i to do ? , i feel very strongly about the girl and i can definitely see myself spending my life with her, should i fight for her and try and make her see sense ?

Allah knows best, I think if she felt strongly about you and wanted to really marry you, you wouldn't need to be at a stage where you need to make her see sense.

I hope things work out for you for the best inshaAllah. However, strongly caution against her wishing to be by your side as a friend. It's a very bad idea, it's haram and opens up more chance of sin occurring. Plus, imagine you get married to someone else, do you think that wife of yours would feel comfortable with you having a connection with someone that once wanted to be with you? Sorry, not what you're looking for but needs to be said nonetheless.

 

[Hassan1987]

Really appreciate you posting this here

thank you very much .

Other then sending this to her dad, should i send it to the girl as well ?

Is not disrespectful, but will show you are serious. And take some gift with you (for the home, not for the girl! its not permissable non mahrams to exchange gifts)

Here the fatwa and hadith:

Question:

A person proposed marriage to a young woman and her guardian refused, with the intention of forbidding her to marry. What is the ruling of Islaam on this? Deliver a legal verdict for us, may Allaah reward you.
Answer:

It is an obligation upon the guardians to give their charges in marriage early if they are proposed to by suitable men and they accept, according to the words of the Prophet sallallaahu alayhi was salaam:

‘If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, then marry (your daughter to) him. If you do not do so, it will be a cause of trial in the land and great corruption.’ (At Tirmithi no. 1084)


So it is not permissible to prevent them from marrying, in order to give them in marriage to those whom they do not accept, such as their cousins or others, nor in order to ask for a lot of money or other things which have not been legislated by Allaah and His Messenger sallallaahu alayhi was salaam.

It is incumbent upon the authorities, such as the governors and the judges, to prevent those who are known to refuse one, while permitting another guardian to marry his charges, and to permit other guardians to give them in marriage, starting with the nearest relatives and then the next nearest. They must do this in order to prevent injustice, to implement justice, and to protect the young men and women from doing what Allaah has forbidden (unlawful sexual relations) due to being prevented from marriage by their guardians’ injustice. We ask Allaah that He guide us all and make us choose truth over vain desires, for verily, He is All-Hearing, ready to answer.

 

[Iceee]

Salaam.

She said yes to me after seeing my picture and i said yes to her , so we talked everyday through text and at times by phone , she would call me or i would call her.

You can do that with a girl? ^^^

So we are all there, me and the girl talk for the first time face to face and she asks me first, if i'm happy and comfortable with everything and i say yes i am 100 percent and i ask her the same question she says yes she is happy too , so there was talking but not as much due to the fact i was nervous lol meeting her for first time.

So you were all in the same room (You Mom, you, her, and her mother)?


Well apart from that, YES YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR LOVE. You need to get her parents permission since she requires it so you have to do it. Go talk to her mother and father alone on the phone if you can. Don't be nervous, show your strength and prove that you are a man and not a nervous kid. Be a man, do the right thing. If you love her, do the right thing and grab her parents permission and keep working on it, don't give up.

Make du'a my dear brother. Not that you marry her but make du'a every night that Allah chooses the best course for you. Another brother on this forum said that he had a girl he wanted to marry. He cried every night and made du'a, istikhara, and kept fighting. But Allah Subhanahuwatallah chose another partner for our forum brother. He married another girl who he liked and they are happily married. So please, Allah Subhanahuwatallah makes the best decision.

So my dear brother, keep trying but if it doesn't work out, Allah Subhanahuwatallah made it that way for a reason.

 

[Hassan1987]

Salaam brother

Thanks for your advice, i well definitely take it on board.

So the girl just rang me now and we talked for a bit and she said she wants to meet up again when she gets back from her Pakistan holiday which is two weeks

So i said yes to her but i said i don't want to force you with this and that if your comfortable meeting up then i can come down to meet you.

And she said yeah she well sort it out and let me know

Salaam.



You can do that with a girl? ^^^



So you were all in the same room (You Mom, you, her, and her mother)?


Well apart from that, YES YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR LOVE. You need to get her parents permission since she requires it so you have to do it. Go talk to her mother and father alone on the phone if you can. Don't be nervous, show your strength and prove that you are a man and not a nervous kid. Be a man, do the right thing. If you love her, do the right thing and grab her parents permission and keep working on it, don't give up.

Make du'a my dear brother. Not that you marry her but make du'a every night that Allah chooses the best course for you. Another brother on this forum said that he had a girl he wanted to marry. He cried every night and made du'a, istikhara, and kept fighting. But Allah Subhanahuwatallah chose another partner for our forum brother. He married another girl who he liked and they are happily married. So please, Allah Subhanahuwatallah makes the best decision.

So my dear brother, keep trying but if it doesn't work out, Allah Subhanahuwatallah made it that way for a reason.

 

[ardianto]

Thank you brother

At the moment i feel like the world is against me .

I told the girl about Istikhara and she agrees with me about it , but like me she doesn't know what to do at this point

Any advice ?

I hope you can talk with her parents, although maybe talking to parents in your society is not as easy as talking to parents in my society.

 

[ardianto]

Make du'a my dear brother. Not that you marry her but make du'a every night that Allah chooses the best course for you. Another brother on this forum said that he had a girl he wanted to marry. He cried every night and made du'a, istikhara, and kept fighting. But Allah Subhanahuwatallah chose another partner for our forum brother. He married another girl who he liked and they are happily married. So please, Allah Subhanahuwatallah makes the best decision.

You are talking about me, aren't you?. Young bro, who said I cried every night?

I just made du'a day and night after every salah fard, and sometime after midnight, after tahajjud. But the girl who I wanted to marry finally left me after she did salah istikhara. It's happened long time ago before you were born.

It's okay. I accept what taqdir that Allah has written for me. I realize that I'm not the right man for the first girl who I wanted to marry. But I hope I'm always be the right man for my wife.

 

[waji]

Ishtikhara for marriage was done by your mother what about yourself, if not then do it by yourself
and same for the girl ask her to do it herself and pray for your situation.

May Allah Help you Ameen.

 

[Amat Allah]

my respected brother,

Istikharah is to pray it yourself my noble brother and here you are the hadeeth:

the description of Salaat al-Istikhaarah was reported by Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said:

“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan. He said: ‘If any one of you is concerned about a decision he has to make, then let him pray two rak’ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say: Allaahumma inni astakheeruka bi ‘ilmika wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika wa as’aluka min fadlika, fa innaka taqdiru wa laa aqdir, wa ta’lamu wa laa a’lam, wa anta ‘allaam al-ghuyoob. Allaahumma fa in kunta ta’lamu haadha’l-amra (then the matter should be mentioned by name) khayran li fi ‘aajil amri wa aajilihi (or: fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri) faqdurhu li wa yassirhu li thumma baarik li fihi. Allaahumma wa in kunta ta’lamu annahu sharrun li fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri (or: fi ‘aajili amri wa aajilihi) fasrifni ‘anhu [wasrafhu ‘anni] waqdur li al-khayr haythu kaana thumma radini bihi (O Allaah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it.”

(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6841; similar reports are also recorded by al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaa’i, Abu Dawood, Ibn Maajah and Ahmad).

Ibn Hijr (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this hadeeth:

“Istikhaarah is a word which means asking Allaah to help one make a choice, meaning choosing the best of two things where one needs to choose one of them.

return to this link if you wanna know more:

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/2217

And please my noble brother read the following hadeeth:

the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “No man should be alone with a woman unless her mahram is with her.”

(Narrated in Bukhari and Muslim)

 

[Ali_008]

Firstly, I think you and the girl should offer Istikhara, and then do whatever you plan to do. If there is good in it for you, Allah will pave the way with ease, if not then it will become even more difficult as an effect of offering Istekhara.

Secondly, you're saying that your mother and the girl's mother offered istikhara, and got "good signs" within two days, and those two days happened before your families met? Can you tell us what those "good signs" were? I don't mean to get personal; I just want to eliminate the possibility of you (and your family) believing dreams to be the way istekhara responds.

 

[Abu Loren]

Even though the girls mum and my mum have done Ishtikhara which have been good , the girls parents are going against it .

Just move on with your life son. Go and find a nice believing and pious muslimah (if she's out there). Snap yourself out of it. Otherwise, I can see 'family problems' ahead. Sorry to be blunt.

 

[Iceee]

Salaam.

Just move on with your life son. Go and find a nice believing and pious muslimah (if she's out there). Snap yourself out of it. Otherwise, I can see 'family problems' ahead. Sorry to be blunt.

What are you talking about Abu Loren? ^^^

The only thing I am wondering is:

She said yes to me after seeing my picture and i said yes to her , so we talked everyday through text and at times by phone , she would call me or i would call her.

So we are all there, me and the girl talk for the first time face to face and she asks me first, if i'm happy and comfortable with everything and i say yes i am 100 percent and i ask her the same question she says yes she is happy too , so there was talking but not as much due to the fact i was nervous lol meeting her for first time. So at the end of the family meeting my mum takes me out the room to ask me if i am 100 percent happy with this and i say yes i am . She goes back in the room to say to the girls mum that its a yes from our side but the mum shockingly says that they are not saying no to us but need time to think about it.

I don't know about this situation ^^^

 

[ardianto]

What are you talking about Abu Loren? ^^^

Abu Loren is talking about something that young people don't know yet, "family problem", something that can be a great barrier for marriage. But I understand Hassan's feeling, I was young too.

 

[Iceee]

Abu Loren is talking about something that young people don't know yet, "family problem", something that can be a great barrier for marriage. But I understand Hassan's feeling, I was young too.

Seems like the only problem is with the father, the mothers "seem" to be having good feeling about their future marriage.

 

[ardianto]

Seems like the only problem is with the father, the mothers "seem" to be having good feeling about their future marriage.

Yes, the only problem is that girl father. If we use theory it's easy to solve this problem, change the wali according to sequence. But this problem is not as simple like this.

Do you know? not every person dare to fight against the parents will, and against culture and tradition. Notice this case, that girl mother actually approve Hassan, but she cannot oppose her husband. The girl father cannot oppose his family tradition which marriage in his family normally within family.

It will becomes a hard fighting for Hassan if we decide to fight, But I still support Hassan.