Need some precious advice on marrying a divorced woman as the 2nd wife

[mohammedriza]

I'm a Muslim. When I was 21, I had an affair with a Muslim girl who is 2 years younger to me. I was too small to understand the seriousness of this affair. But unfortunately we did mistakes which should not be done. After about a year, after which we had stopped our affair, my parents have brought up a proposal for me and I got married. The 1st was going through a period of sorrow due to our breakup. I thought, this would not last long since we were small and didn't know the seriousness. This girl is living with her aunty and her parents are abroad and not with her for years. So unfortunately she had to face some problems with her uncle. This man is 40 yrs and wanted to marry this young girl for the second time while he's already married to her Aunt. Due to this problem, this girl agreed to get married to someone, while I being in her mind and head. This is after 2 1/2 years after our breakup. She had lived with him for nearly 1 1/2 years in UAE, whereas for almost 6 - 8 months, she has been in her mother country (not UAE) with her aunt. She agreed for this marriage thinking that she will not get me again in her life since I’m already married and got one kid. She came to her mother country 8 months before and we met each other after 4 years. She cried to me saying all her sorrows and saying that she is not living a happy life. Her husband is torturing her by hitting her after he comes home after a drink (Alcohol). He uses all the bad words to her. She has been truthful to him. Before getting married, she has told the reason for her marriage (about the problem with her uncle). The guy agreed. After getting married, she has told about her past affair since she wanted to be truthful to her husband, even thought she was living a happy life, she was trying to make up her mind and live with him. But she couldn’t due to his torturing after getting to know about her past affair. Now she is in her mother country for the past 8 months and waiting to get divorced. I told her that I will marry her for the second time and she agreed and she is ready to do anything or lose anything to get married to me, just because she is going to get the life which she was expecting for the past 5 years. Even I too love her so much since she was my 1st love. But I realized the true love only after a year after our breakup and also after I’ve got married to another woman.

What I feel is to get married to her after she gets divorced and after her Iddah. She has already told her husband that she's getting divorced due to these reasons. She has told the truth to her husband for the reason why she wants to get divorced. She doesn’t have any kids too.
I need to know whether I’m doing the right thing. I agreed to marry her only for the sake of Allah. If I didn’t marry her, there will be no one to look after her. She'll not get married to anybody else too and not even live with her husband. She doesn’t have her parents with her to look after her. No one to take care. It’s only Allah to take care of her. NO humans.
If I’m doing the right thing, how can I get married to her? I'm sure my parents will not agree for this. But still I fear only to Allah and I’m doing this for the sake of Allah. My wife and parents will say NO coz it will affect their personality and my wife will anyway not like it. But when I consider this girl's life and my creator, I feel its right to marry her.
Please advise me on what I need to do and if I’m to marry her, what are the rules. Do I need any Wali and so on.

Jazakallah.

 

[~Zaria~]

brother,


I think you should try to answer the following 2 questions, as honestly as possible, for yourself:

1. As a married man, why am I still in contact with a woman from my past, over 4 years later?
A relationship that I know was haraam for me......that earned the anger and displeasure of Allah. Yet despite this, He, in His great mercy has given me a 'second chance' in life - with marriage to another good woman, and has blessed me with children.
Why then, am I in contact with another woman - who, if my wife were to know about it, will surely be deeply hurt and will feel betrayed?

She came to her mother country 8 months before and we met each other after 4 years......

In other words, you should be asking yourself why did ^^this^^ occur in the first place?

If the tables were turned right now - and you were to find out that your wife has been in contact with someone from her past, how would you feel?


2. Mufti Menk said the following in a recent lecture:

" You need to prioritise.....is it something you want or is it something you need?....

I do not encourage (polygamous relations) nor do I discourage it.
I say that if it fits into your situation, you need to know your wants and your needs.

And you need to make sure, you are not blowing away a beautiful marriage, solely because you want something. Allahu akbar.

You want something.....it may be halaal for you - you can go to the moon explaining to people that it is halaal, its in the Quraan (etc).....MashaAllah, we agree with you.
But you are the only one who can answer the question - Is it a want, or a need?

And are you going to lose your need, in the process of achieving a want? Allahu akbar."


May Allah (subhanawataála) grant what is best for all 3 of you.
Ameen.


:wasalam:

 

[mohammedriza]

Dear Sister. I think you have mistaken.
As i've mentioned this is something wrong which had happened sometime ago where we didn't understand the seriousness of these mistakes. And now this meeting was just a friendly meeting after couple of years just to know the situation of this girl. This girl is in great difficulty and this is the reason why i'm trying to marry this girl. I'm doing this only for the sake of Allah and not b'coz i need or want. The sympathy and to give her a life which will let her live a good life and follow her religion. If i let her be the way she is right now, she cannot even follow her religion proerply. She doesnt have the freedom to do so. Her family is not that which lets her do those.

Anyway, thanks for your reply. I'll have to check this with other scholars as well.

Jazakallah.

 

[~Zaria~]

Dear Sister. I think you have mistaken......

And now this meeting was just a friendly meeting after couple of years just to know the situation of this girl.......

Brother, please understand that such types of meetings with other women are not appropiate, nor permissible in Islam.

You are a married brother with a family.
She is a married sister.
These types of meetings should not be occuring under any circumstances - let alone with someone with whom you shared strong feelings with.
You have mentioned that 'you are doing this for the sake of Allah....' - brother, then for the sake of Allah, stay away from meeting/ making contact with ghair women in this manner.
Think too, about your wife and how she would feel about this.

We do realise the difficult postition that the young lady finds herself in.
And while marriage to her is always an option, I have only suggested that you reflect on the above - before making any decision.


Was salaam

 

[Alpha Dude]

Assalamu Alaykum,

You as a man don't need any wali to marry her. However, I am unsure whether the girl would require one, best to ask a shaykh to clarify.

You have already told this girl that you are going to marry her and she has gotten divorced due to this reason and she is waiting for you this very moment. Is that correct?

Pray istikhara and then be strong whatever the outcome.

If you get married to her then do justice and be fair to to both your wives. You also would have to be strong with your parents, relatives, other people in society in case they abuse the new wife and of course.

Refrain from talking to the girl in the mean-time, however.

 

[ardianto]

Although I've ever close with few girls, my first love was with a girl from a town in south of my city. I really love her and really wanted to marry her. She loves me too. But there were many misunderstanding between us that later made her decide not to marry me. Then she married another guy, and I married a girl who was my classmate in highschool. That was my story.

My wife know about the first woman who I wanted to marry. This is why she asked me "if that woman was divorced, would you marry her?". I told my wife I didn't know about her. My wife asked me again "IF she was divorced and you know it, would you marry her?". So I told my wife "No!". She look happy because she knew I was honest with my answer.

I know, if the situation that asked by my wife really happen, I marry the woman who ever came to my life although just for second wife, it would really destroy my wife heart. No! I will not let it happen. I will never hurt my wife heart.

That woman never back to my life. But frankly, there was someone else wife that ever contacted me through messages and tried to bring back some memories. I respond her although I knew that's wrong. There was a guilty feeling that made me felt I must respond her, or I would hurt her again. But later I felt the bigger guilty feeling. I felt guilty to my wife. So, I cut my contact with that woman. I did it for my wife.

Guilty feeling. This is "the forgotten factor" that can make us trapped in relationship with someone from the past. We feel we should do something to make her life better. We can tell everyone that we do it for the sake of Allah, but if we must honest, then we will realize that we do it for the sake of ourselves, To redeem our guilty feeling because we think we have made her life unhappy.

We should not forget that after someone has gone from our life, then what happened to her is not our responsibility anymore. That's happened because decision that made by herself. And we should not forget to someone who now with us, our wives!. Our responsibility now is only to our wives.

We are not alone now. But we have wives. Imagine what our wives will feel if we do something to please another woman.

Maybe we ever hurt someone or few in our past, intentionally or accidentally. And it made us feel guilty. But the way to redeem this guilty feeling is not with do something for the story that has been end. We cannot change the past. The right way to redeem our guilty feeling is with loving our wives now as best as we can. They are the women that given by Allah for us.