Aselam aleykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu
I'm sorry to hear about the hardships you've been going trough. I wish there was some magical advice I could offer you that would make things all better. Sadly you and I both know there is no such thing and you'll have to work trough all these issues. And I'm sorry; but that's not going to be easy. But you have to go forward. If you're going trough hell, the best thing you can do is to keep going.
Find help!
Nobody should have to go trough this alone. It'll eat you up. You need to find somebody you can talk to. If not a friend or a relative, then perhaps you should consider a proffesional? And don't get me wrong, it's good that you came here for advice, but there's only so much that we can do for you. Online chats and forums is not the same as somebody looking you in the eye and listening to your story and helping you get trough it. And if this forum is really your only optoin, then we'll just have to make do. But if there's any chance for getting help in real life, grab it! You deserve it!
Why now?
The fact that all these things are resurfacing is actually a good thing. Sometimes when something happens with us at a time that we are not equiped to deal with it, the human response is to store it away somewhere deep inside. Then when we mature it pops-up it's head. And we get two choices.
1) We push it back down and it'll eat us up from the inside out affecting our relationships, family friends, our mental health and eventually even physical health.
2) We deal with it and try to "heal" ourselves so we can finally go on with life. And yes, it is actually possible to work trough horrific experiences, no matter how bad and live life to the fullest. But again, it won't be easy.
Why you?
This is a common question for people who fell victim to any sort of abuse, mentally, physically or sexually. But since you had not one, but five abusers, I can imagine this questions is all the more pertinent. And there are a whole bunch of practical answers that one could answer to this, maybe you were percieved as a person who wouldn't tell on them. Maybe you looked like an easy target, maybe you were very attractive. But none of those answers are really important. The only important answer to this question is: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember that, write it on the badroom mirror, hang it over your bed. You really need to hammer this in. And perhaps you're thinking now: Well du-uh, obviously it isn't. If that was your first response: Good! That means that on a rational level, you understand the logic behind that. Being that as it may, chances are that on an emotional and unconscious level, you still feel like you are a bad person, that you somehow deserved it. Perhaps you're not even fully aware of feeling that. And why would you, it is of course a very irrational feeling, but that's just the way feelings are, they are hardly ever rational.
About Freud
I would like to dig a bit deeper in what I said in the previous paragraph. This section might be a bit technical; but bear with me. Hopefully it might help you understand why we react the way we do when bad things happen, and that in itself might help you undo some of the damage done to you. Basically, Freud said that the mind exists roughly out of three sections. The Id, which is just our raw emotions, desires, shame, anger and so on. Our Ego, which is responsable basically 90% of our thoughts that we consciously think of. And then finally there's the Superego. The superego is one of the most dominant parts, but it works mostly subconsciously (in other words without us being aware of it). The superego is formed as a group-survival mechanism. It helps us humans function in a society by internalising external authority. In other words this part of our mind tries to push us in the direction we think society expects us to go. So all the expectations and rules we pick up around us while growing up are stored there and pushed unto us. It's that nagging voice that tells us, you really aught to go to sleep now, or you'll be sorry tomorow. Or sometimes it's even rude and says things like: You should stop eating now, you fat cow. Or stuff like that. And on some people this voice pounds allot harder then on others. To some extend this mechanism is practical and even usefull in some cases. But when you grow up with a traumatic experience the superego is often unbalanced and harmfull.
Now so far for the theory, here's how this all relates to your story. When growing up, and especially when being abused by 5 diffrent people; your superego might have picked up on that and think that being abused is what society wants for you. That it was somehow your natural desposition, and that thus you deserved no better. And so your own subconscious mind is sabotaging you and pushing you towards failure and depression. Realizing that this is wrong is just the first step, but actually rebuilding your self-esteem is a long and difficult road. But it is an important key to recovering from what happened to you.
Building a wall around your heart.
You know it's very understandable that you keep people away from you, considering what you've been trough. But believe me, this is very dangerous. Before you'll realize, it's not just a stone wall surrounding your heart, but your heart itself will become a stone! And I'm not saying you shouldn't be carefull with who you trust, or with what you trust them with. bt still, you have to keep some emotional connections and opennes to a select few. There's no real risk with allowing peope to break your trust again. You won't die from a person disapointing you. It's not like you've had all the disapointment you can take for a lifetime, that's not how it works. If not like if you'd start trusting people again that you'll suddenly be defenseless. Things aren't that black-and-white. Perhaps it might help to have some rules.
- If a person wrongs you three times (even if it's something small like being late for an apointment without apologising for it) cut that person out emotionally.
- Follow your intuition. If someone rubs you the wrong way, there' a reason why! Not necesairly that it's a bad person, but there's a reason to be caustious.
- If somebody does something wrong; think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. If you had wronged that person. How would you respond? and does this person seem to be reacting in the same way? Sometimes turning things around shows us where we should put our boundaries and how wrong somebody was traeting us.
5 stages of grief
Although each persons experience is diffrent, generally we can say there's 5 stages of grief.
Denial —
Anger —
Bargaining —
Depression —
Acceptance —
Anger
Luckily you're allready over the most difficult part. Some people can be stuck in denial for decades. I defenitly feel for your anger. I remember after my sociopathic ex-wife left me I felt so angry with the whole world and even with Allah. I felt like I had been such a good Muslim trying so hard to do my best and that I hadn't deserved that kind of mental abuse that my ex had put me trough. It's only when I tried to put those feelings into words that I suddenly realised how irrational my accusations had been, and that in reality Allah subhana wa ta'ala didn't "owe" me anything, quite the opposite. Still, it took me a long time to rebuild my personal relationship with God. You know there's nothing wrong with feeling anger and blowing of some steam, just don't be to quick to burn down bridges. Your short-term goals should be to focus on your emotional recovery, I can only assume that Allah subhana wa ta'ala understands what you've been trough and that as you progress you will find the time and space to build your imaan up again. Trying to do that know is like trying to build a house on a swamp.
Bargaining/depression
I won't go into that to much, since it's not what you need to focus on. Just know that these stages are to be expected. And seek the right help when they turn up.
Acceptance
This should be your long-term goal. Perhaps you feel that on some level you have already acceptedthat this has happened and that there's nothing that you can do to change the past. And while that might be true, that's not exactly what acceptance is about. It might seem odd; but what would describe this phase a bit better might perhaps be "forgiveness". And you might be thinking why the f- should i ever forgive those f-rs? Well certainly not for their sake, not even because religion ask you to, but because it would set you free. Because from the moment you truly accept your past on all levels you suddenly become free, you'll no longer live your life in the shadow of those traumatic events. You'll no longer respond to a given situation or event because of your past and what you carry on. Or to quote Anne lamot:
"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.”
“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
But like I said, there's no magical advice I can offer you that will fix anything, I can just make a few suggestions, but in the end you're the one that will have to do all the heavy lifting.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala guide you trough this.
. Don't worry I'm a girl 
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