I feel alone after such a big change...is this normal?

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Skorpio

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I'm a 30 year old muslim woman who has just moved 150miles away from family to live with in laws as my husband is the only son. My nature is very shy and reserved which limits my interaction with in laws family and my husband is upset with me for this precise reason. I have been living here full time for almost 7months now and have been married for two years, previously having lived with my parents whilst I found a job.

I work full time. I have no family or friends nearby and I feel so alone and now thinking I have made the biggest mistake by moving here, but I love my husband dearly and would do anything to please him. That's the only reason I moved, but now I don't feel he is grateful for the sacrifice I have made. I am unhappy for my lack of progress and for letting my husband down that he gets very angry at the smallest things I say. Is it normal to feel this way when you make such a big change to your life?

Any input would be gratefully appreciated, especially from sisters.
 
Thank you for these links they're were very helpful. But I feel the first link is seriously biased in favour of men, especially if men are not emotionally supporting their wife and are emotionally abusing them to do something out of their comfort zone adding more stress to the situation.
 
I can't pretend to know what is going on in your life but yes it is very normal to get cold feet and feel afraid and uncertain after any major life altering change. I imagine marriage is the worse of those because even a job with a contract you've 30 days to walk away from although in some cases people feel like a job is better than no job and tolerate things they get to go home at some point and leave that workplace behind. Not sure how to advise except seek some marriage counseling through your mosque :ia:
 
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Skorpio said:
I love my husband dearly and would do anything to please him.
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I will not say I know, but I will say I understand. I've ever be a husband since Oct 1994 until my beloved wife closed her eyes forever in Jun 11, 2013.

but now I don't feel he is grateful for the sacrifice I have made. I am unhappy for my lack of progress and for letting my husband down that he gets very angry at the smallest things I say.
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You feel disappointed to your husband. You have done anything to make your husband happy including with sacrifice your comfort zone, but you see he does not appreciate what you have done for him. You try to talk with him from heart to heart, but instead of listen to you, he is angry whenever you try talk to him about it.

This is your situation, isn't this?
 
Skorpio said:
I feel the first link is seriously biased in favour of men, especially if men are not emotionally supporting their wife and are emotionally abusing them to do something out of their comfort zone adding more stress to the situation.
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It depends upon the nature of question,read the link below which speaks more in the favor of daughter in law

http://www.islamhelpline.com/node/7674

To my estimate,both(Husband and Wife) of you are not fully aware of different aspects of each other personalities and it will take few more years(this is normal)Gone is the period of playing with rainbows and butterflies,its the compromise and sacrifice which moves couple along afterwards.You love him and ready to sacrifice,so the important things are there.Often,Husbands are unaware of the seriousness of the problems faced by their wives when it comes to coping with in-laws.Make him realize:
  • He is supposed to placate two families who are effectively in positions of authority over him.
  • He is the only who can bridge the gap between you and your in laws.
  • YOU aren't clipped with extrovert wings and it's somehow not fully versed in your nature.
Here are some handy tips to Handle things with In-laws while being a reserve and shy person

  • Accept the fact that your in-laws aren't your parents and won't follow the same rules. Try to think "different" not "better" or "worse."
  • Learn to see the situation from your in-law's point of view. And even if you don't agree, act like a big person.
  • Whenever possible, avoid communicating through a third party.
  • Even if you have to grit your teeth, try to say something nice. And if you really can't say anything nice, shut up and smile.
  • Many times, the best thing to do is nothing. Time heals many wounds and wounds many heels. While we're at it, play nice.Spare your in-laws the insults and character attacks.
InshaAllah Khayr
 
There was a time when my wife felt disappointed to me. She had done big sacrifice with follow what I want, moved to my mother house. She knew it would make her feel uncomfort, but she still did it because she loved me so much and was willing to do anything to please me.

But what made her felt unhappy actually was my attitude that always angry when she wanted to talk with me from heart to heart.

See a similarity between sister Skorpio story and my story?

Okay, after midnight now in my place. In Shaa Allah, I'll back, maybe tomorrow, maybe few days later after I back from my traveling.
 
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I am sorry to hear about your wife ardianto, Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'oon. May Allah give her an easy and pleasant journey and shower blessings on her grave.

Ameen.


I am not blaming my husband, he is a great man and an even better son and husband. I will always strive to better myself. Thank you for your help everyone.
 
First of all, if you haven't already, you should let your husband know that you acknowledge the problem, recognize that this is a shortcoming of yours and that you are trying to be better. That should reassure him to be more patient.

I tolerate my wife's shortcomings because she is a very good wife overall, and recognizes her shortcomings and tries to better herself. If she instead were an entitlement-minded little princess who expects to be able to do whatever she wants and me to put up with it, well, then she wouldn't be my wife ;D
 
Skorpio said:
I am sorry to hear about your wife ardianto, Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'oon. May Allah give her an easy and pleasant journey and shower blessings on her grave.

Ameen.
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Ameen. And Jazakilla Khayr for your du'a sis.

I am not blaming my husband, he is a great man and an even better son and husband. I will always strive to better myself. Thank you for your help everyone.
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Good if you don't blame your husband. Being husband is not easy because must bear many responsibilities. This condition can make a husband think his wife doesn't know how heavy his reponsibilities when she ask him something.

I rent my house and moved to my mother house when my financial condition was bad. My wife felt uncomfort when she lived there. Sometime she told me about it, but it's always made me angry because I thought she didn't understand how heavy my responsibility.

But later I realize how big her love for me, and it made me felt grateful, and tried to be a better husband for her.

Yes sis, at first you must make your husband realize how big your love for him. So he will feel grateful.
 
Futuwwa said:
First of all, if you haven't already, you should let your husband know that you acknowledge the problem, recognize that this is a shortcoming of yours and that you are trying to be better. That should reassure him to be more patient.
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If you want a woman understand what you say, at first you must understand her.

Don't you understand what a wife feel if she live in in-law house?
 
I don't pretend to understand her. Yet, she said that she is unhappy about her lack of progress. She is the one who implied that this is a shortcoming of hers, not me.
 
Thank you for your input, I am very grateful.

Ardianto it's good you understood how hard it is for a woman to live with the inlaws, that's why islam teaches that wife's should be entitled to their own home if it is within the husbands means of course. I knew it was going to be hard, but my husband is an only son and I would never dream of taking a son away from his mother, so I decided to get married and put up with anything for the sake of him. I don't regret my decision at all, I would do the same thing again as the guilt of making my husband leave his mother would be too much for me to bear. However, I always believed my husband would support me in everything but now as he is losing patience in me, that's where the problem lies. I feel I haven't lived upto his expectations.

Yes indeed Futuwwa is correct, I do feel this is a shortcoming of mine, I've always had a problem with talking to people and engaging. I find myself unable to help myself, I think about what I want to do and can't actually put it into the action as this anxiety and stress just take over. I often cry and feel very depressed at my own failure to properly engage and have this fear of rejection.

For example, I remember once I plucked up the courage to ask my mother in law if she needed any help in the kitchen and all she said was no it's ok, and I got really sad and upset and went upto my room and cried. I think I really want to be accepted into my husbands family and not feel like an outsider but am I worrying too much? My in laws are not bad people, they just leave me to myself, maybe they think I enjoy being on my own but they not aware of the hurt I'm feeling inside.

Inshallah everything will get better and I will learn to engage with all the family but I do hope my husbands doesn't lose faith in me.
 
Skorpio said:
Ardianto it's good you understood how hard it is for a woman to live with the inlaws,
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Your husband know it too. But he must care to his mother too.

For example, I remember once I plucked up the courage to ask my mother in law if she needed any help in the kitchen and all she said was no it's ok, and I got really sad and upset and went upto my room and cried. I think I really want to be accepted into my husbands family and not feel like an outsider but am I worrying too much? My in laws are not bad people, they just leave me to myself, maybe they think I enjoy being on my own but they not aware of the hurt I'm feeling inside.
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You need to learn more about "Art of interaction" :)

If your mother in law say "no, it's okay" when you offered a help, it's because she felt hesitate to order you to do something. It's because she respect your position as her son's wife. If she did not respect your position, must be she would order you to do many things while she is relax.

So what you should do?. You don't need to ask her "may I help you?", but just help when you see she need help. In example, when you see she is busy in the kitchen, just help her without ask "may I help you?". And if she say "you don't need to help", just smile and tell her "it's okay, mom". Also you can clean up the house without your mother in law order you. In Shaa Allah, she will appreciate it, and becoming closer to you.
 
Skorpio said:
I feel I haven't lived upto his expectations.
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You feel your husband has expectation like this, while you have expectation like that. So you feel there is no harmony in thought between you and your husband.

Sis, how long you have been married?. Just two years, isn't it?. It's normal you haven't had a harmony in thought with your husband.

I meet my wife in classroom in grade 12 in high school. Immediately we were close with each other, and still close after we graduate from high school. No, she was not my girlfriend. We were just friend but very close, I understood her, she understood me.

One day I meet another girl, and she became the first girl who I wanted to marry. It made my ex-classmate so jealous, and made me realize that she had been fell in love to me since in high school.

So, later when the first girl who I wanted to marry decide to leave me because my mother did not approve her to become my wife, I thought "why not my ex-classmate?". So, I married my ex-classmate.

And I began to feel something different. If when we were just friend we understood each other, after getting married we started to being selfish. If when we just friend we were thinking "what I can give for her/him?", after getting married we were thinking "what she/he must give for me?".

Frankly, my closeness with my wife in high school happened because my empathy. I was from middle class family while she was from poor family. Often enough I bought something for her, even I paid her study cost in one year computer course. I paid all of these really sincerely.

But after getting married?. Blatantly she told me "as my husband you have duty to fulfill my needs, and I need this, this, this, etc". It made me annoyed, I thought "doesn't she understand that making money it's not easy".

But later I started to familiar with it. Even I felt happy when I saw my wife smile at me when she saw something in a shop. I understood what's in her mind, and I felt happy when I could give what she want.

Need time before we could understand each other in our new position as husband and wife.

So, sister, actually now you and your husband are in adaptation process. Need time before you and your husband can understand each other and build a harmony in your married life.
 
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Good advice by brother ardianto.

Does your husband know that you find it difficult to talk/open-up? Try to make him understand that it's been a life-long issue of yours and overcoming it will naturally be a gradual process. Reassure him that you will try your best with his support.
 
Thank you for sharing your experience brother ardianto, I'm sincerely grateful as your point of view has helped me see things in a different light. We have been married 2years but met three years before marraige so have known each other five years in total. I have always felt there was good understanding between is but I guess the pressures and stress of life is getting to my husband a lot. He has many responsibilities, first his parents and then he has four sisters all of whom rely on him even though three of them are married.i help out whenever I can, have always helped my mother in law with many things around the house, I know she appreciates it but there's no improvement in our relationship.


Yes brother alpha dude, my husband is aware I'm a very shy person but doesn't seem to understand just how paralysing this difficulty is for me, he believes that two years of marraige is more than enough time to get break out of my shyness so instead of support he has moved to criticism of me and belittling me. I have reassured my husband many times but he always says no you won't, u have had so much time and it's never going to happen.

I can understand his frustration and I am doing my best , but how can you do something when it doesn't come naturally?
 

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