I need help.. not sure what to do or where to start. :(

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Pixeled

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my boyfriend is a devout muslim, and i'm very much an agnostic (parents tried to raise me catholic and that was a disaster) but open to learning..

we're very much in love and want to get married someday.
he and I are both really scared that his parents and family are going to reject me (when they learn I exist :()

I feel like at least learning about his faith and making some adjustments to my life would help..

ideal situation would be me devoting my life to islam but I feel like doing that while not believing would be worse than not doing it
part of me is scared I /can't/ believe in god, because of how horribly I was raised.. (it really is the stereotypical catholic upbringing story)

I really don't know where to start?
I stopped eating pork.. it made me feel disgusting.. told everyone I think i'm allergic because it gives me stomach pains
(the stomach pains part is actually true because that's how disgusted and disgusting I felt)
and I don't want to drink anymore but it's hard to make the change from partygrrl to straightedge because friends.. but i'm trying.
around one beer and a water bottle the entire night and pretend to be drunk...

another issue is he's very very scared that i'll resent him for the changes I wanna make in my life, even though he's not asking me to do it....

Help? :(
 
hi sister im sorry i seriously dont know what advise to give you as im not very knowledgeable but im sure someone on here will be able to help you.
 
Hello Pixeled Welcome to the forum - hope you have a pleasant stay here :-)

Okay so you’re in a very common situation which has existed since the beginning of time. Clashes between different religions and cultures.

I think it's great that you are wanting to make these changes for YOURSELF because this is key and important - otherwise if you're pushed and forced to make changes for your bf or boyfriend's family then these changes won't last long as they don't come from the heart.

The early signs of you feeling horrible and not so good when you eat something forbidden in Islam is good because it shows you are illustrating a natural inclination to Islam? Something called emaan which basically means faith :-)

Don't make all these changes to your identity and lifestyle too fast otherwise it will soon burden you and you'll go back to square 1 or worse lol - take things one step at a time - until you've managed to stay away from pork for example completely then move on to your next goal

Have you spoken to your potential spouse about this issue? What are his thoughts? Is he wanting to marry you? If he is committed and wants to progress the relationship then i think it would be wise to discuss what he expects from you as a wife. I think this is an important topic to discuss because imagine he wants something that you won't be able to fulfil. For example, in the Asian communities, it's very normal (although this trait is dying in some families) for the wife to look after the mother-in-law and maybe even stay in the same household? I don't know what kind of background your potential spouse is from but please speak to him about the cultural influences and changes that may impact your life. Think about whether you can accommodate your spouse needs and his family needs and also think about YOUR needs.

If you speak to your potential spouse and express your feelings, like you've done to us - advise him the changes you have made are for you and no one else (i think it's hard to draw the distinction whether you really are doing it for him or you're doing it because you want his acceptance or even just doing it to show your love)

Also, i think your potential spouse will have a rough or clear idea about what his parents expects from him so discuss this with him as well and you can move forward from here.


Lastly, i just want to point (maybe you already know i don't know lol) being in this relationship is forbidden (haraam) in Islam so if both of you are serious about this don't delay - just get married - & i wish you all the happiness Ameen
 
I was completely unaware that dating was forbidden... :(
I don't think he knows, either, since he's the one who asked me out.. there's nothing physical happening, if that helps..

I'm making these changes for myself, because I want to.. I don't feel pressured at all.
I haven't eaten pork in several weeks.. and I feel much better about myself for that.

I have discussed all of this with him several times..

He's mostly the one bringing up the idea of marriage..
and he's said that he views me as his future wife rather than a girlfriend.. and that's what I want, too..

As for his background, his blood is Bengali x Pakistani.. born and raised in Australia
 
That's okay don't worry - we don't know unless we ask. I don't know if he's practising Islam as it should be practised (you don't need to share the details with us don't worry) but i suppose you could ask whether religion plays a role in his life?

Some individuals are born as Muslims but choose not to practise their faith and others do practise. Please speak to your potential spouse about this. Also, think about how you want your life to be. Do you want to follow religion, if any?

You don't need to share any details with us but just to let you know even if there's nothing physical happening - intermixing between the two genders is not allowed in Islam. Just letting you know about the rules & regulations as a Muslim. I don't know if this is the path you wish to follow (in sha Allah i hope it is Ameen). We are only allowed to mix between the opposite sex if that individual is someone we can't marry for example, your father, uncle, brother or son etc (we can speak to opposite gender if it's absolute necessary but generally speaking, it's not recommended) Again, i don't want to impose you with any rules this is just FYI (for your information). Am trying to correct your understanding about Islam if this is what you want to know.

If your potential spouse is bringing this topic up and you’re ready and want to get married first discuss the future, the obstacles you may face and together think of a plan to help you achieve your goals. I would also encourage you to check the new muslims sub thread on this forum to learn more about Islam or you can visit this website - http://www.kalamullah.com and click on new Muslims (you can download e-books, listen to audio or read an article) << my fave website i recommend it to everyone.

I know at first it may be difficult but if you have a strong foundation and relationship with your potential spouse in sha Allah (God willing) everything will be okay. Hope this helps
 
Protected Soul said:
Lastly, i just want to point (maybe you already know i don't know lol) being in this relationship is forbidden (haraam) in Islam so if both of you are serious about this don't delay - just get married
Click to expand...

Some good advice, though Pixeled would have to become a Muslim for that marriage to be valid, as otherwise a Muslim man's marriage to an agnostic is not valid.

Pixeled, you said you were Catholic before. I don't know how much you know about the concept of God in Islam. As you can probably see from my avatar in the blue, the foundation of Islam the Oneness of God, which is called Tawheed in Arabic.

Just as if you walked into a room and saw a dining table and chair set, you'd know that someone had made it, and that the pieces of wood didn't saw themselves off the trees, cut themselves in the right shape and screw themselves together, so we know from all the signs we see around us, that this complex and intricate universe has a Creator, who also created us. He is the One God. He alone should be worshipped. He is our Creator, Sustainer, and Lord.

He does not beget, nor is He begotten. He has no sons, daughters, spouses, siblings, parents, cousins, or relatives of any sort.

He is eternal and does not die. He does not depend on anyone/anything yet we all depend on Him. He is free of all want and need.

There is nothing like Him. He is all Hearing, all Seeing, all Knowing, all Powerful, Incomparable, the Creator of the Universe.

He did not/does not, become flesh, dwell in human or animal bodies, nor are there any incarnations of Him. He is not mixed up in His creation in any way.

He is not composed of persons, nor a trinity. There are no secondary, lesser, greater, equal, or multiple gods, nor any intermediaries. And no denying of God's existence either.

There are no sharers, associates, persons or parts whatsoever in His exclusive Divinity. Simply, He is One, in every sense.

The proper name of God in Arabic is Allah.

We do believe in Jesus (peace be on him). Muslims love and respect Jesus (peace be upon him) and believe in him as he was; one of the noblest and purest of humanity to ever walk the earth, and one of the greatest messengers of Allah, sent to the Children of Israel. We do not reject him (as Jews do), nor do we deify him (as Christians do). Neither he, nor any other messenger, ever claimed divinity, or to be God's son. We believe he was born miraculously of the noble virgin Mary (peace be on her), and that he is the messiah. We do not however, believe that he died or was crucified. He'll return to earth near the end of time.

We do not worship to or through, Jesus, Mary (peace on them both), or a whole plethora of saints, and to do so is the gravest sin. We pray to God directly. We also do not believe in dam-nation requiring a saviour.

How does that feel to you? If you have an anything that doesn't sit right with you, could you let us know, so we can help? I'll leave it there for now so as not to overwhelm you.

Peace.
 
None of that sits wrong with me.. It feels right, actually, and peaceful..

The only thing that scares me is the marriage not being valid thing.. :'(

I haven't done any research really yet because I'm really afraid it'll go poorly.. He suggested seminars, but after checking throughly, the only seminars on Islam in my area are run by hate groups.....

I was never a Catholic.. not on the inside.. I got yelled at and made fun of when I asked questions.. I got myself kicked out of school on purpose when I was 11 years old...

His faith is really important to him, and a big part of his life..

More than anything, I want this to work out..
That's what brought me here.
 
Can I ask where in Australia you guys are?
Perhaps I can get my wife to assist you with some resources/books or anything else either/one of you two feel you may need.

Not to cause fitna, but I do think your boyfriend knows dating it haraam. Why else would he hide it from his parents?

Anyway. Wishing you all the best, may Allah swt make things easy - and guide you to what is true. Ameen.

If you need anything, my inbox is open insha'Allah.
 
Pixeled said:
None of that sits wrong with me.. It feels right, actually, and peaceful..

The only thing that scares me is the marriage not being valid thing..

I haven't done any research really yet because I'm really afraid it'll go poorly.. He suggested seminars, but after checking throughly, the only seminars on Islam in my area are run by hate groups.....

I was never a Catholic.. not on the inside.. I got yelled at and made fun of when I asked questions.. I got myself kicked out of school on purpose when I was 11 years old...

His faith is really important to him, and a big part of his life..

More than anything, I want this to work out..
That's what brought me here.
Click to expand...

I think you need to take a step back for a while. Try to take yourself outside of the situation for a while. First thing is, take some time to look into the beliefs and teachings of Islam, and see if it resonates with you. All praise be to Allah that you have no problem with the concept of God. For a brief 10 minutes-ish read, see this: www.leafletonislam.blogspot.co.uk. It by no means even attempts to cover everything,but tries to summarise in short form some of what Islam is. Remember, that you owe it to yourself, to look into Islam, for your ownself, not for him or for marriage to him. Because this is an issue of salvation in the hereafter, which will apply whether you're married to him or not. In other words, you must only accept Islam, if you truly believe it to be true. If you do, then the next step would be to say the shahaadah which is the declaration of faith. But don't only say it to marry him, because you have to believe it firmly in the heart when you say it, for it to be valid. Then you'd need to learn how to pray, fast and so on.

The next issue to tackle, after that, would then be marriage. And for this, you would need to appoint a Muslim male advocate to look out for your interests. In the case of new Muslims, this would be a Muslim leader, and usually the imams of mosques perform this function. This way, you get a third party involved who can look at the situation from the outside, without being in the emotional heat of it, and can advise. His special function would be to be your advocate. Muslim girls normally would have their father, brother, uncle etc do this, but since you're unlikely to have a Muslim relative thus the imam. As being in seclusion or being alone with him (potential spouse, or any other male for that matter) is not allowed, you would talk about necessary matters in his the imams presence.

The practical issues that sister Protected Soul has brought up would need to be considered. If you did marry him, would he expect you to live with and serve his parents? What's their command of English? How would it be while you were at home with them all day while he was at work? Unfortunately, sometimes there's a lot of cultural baggage that people don't think of when they're in love, and they rush, and then afterwards realise things aren't as rosy as their dreams, so it is better to think about those kind of things now.

As a limited member, you won't be able to send messages to other members, but you can to staff, so feel free to message me and I'll pass it on.

Also, there are sure to be other reliable sites on Islam, so will post more here as I find them God willing. If you come across things on the net, please tell us about them so we can advise if the site is reliable, as there are many sites that people don't realise don't teach true Islam.

Also please don't hesitate to ask for advice or ask any other questions that come into your mind.

Peace.
 
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Welcome to the forum.

This situation is not unique to you (if that is at all comforting) and there are several discussions on this forum with regards to this. It is a rather large area of study (after all it is a guide for a 'lifestyle'), hence it won't be such a simple and straightforward matter centering around our duties to Allah and to our earthly duties.

The root of everything is determined by our intentions. Why we are doing it in the first place?

Seeing as you are talking about possible marriage, do take a look at the 4th passage (An Nisa') in the Quran which will give you some 'insights'.

In the meantime, I wish you a great stay.


:peace:
 
My advice is simple and straightforward: Never convert to Islam or any religion unless you want to and are 100% sure about that, and don't change your lifestyle for someone else, do it because you want to do it. Doing something like changing your lifestyle for your significant other and not because you want to can and will lead to resentment that may tear you both apart someday. People always ask others for advice, but often times you'll be able to answer your own questions better than we can. Look within.
 
I was also in almost the same place as you a few years ago. I was raised Catholic and I HATED it, it was dead boring for one thing but i feel like i also never really felt connected to the religion. I met a muslim boy a few years ago, learned he was Muslim but i never really thought much about it untill we started dating. He told me why Muslims didnt eat pork and i stopped eating pork although i was still Catholic, eventually i read the Qur'an and did my own online research on the religion, read books, etc. I ended up loving the religion and all the beliefs i had my whole life where finnaly there in plain sight and labeled as Islam. I first un-officially converted by myself in private i recited the Shahadah, i slowly stopped bad behaviors, quit smoking, drinking, swearing as much, i slowly started dressing modestly (ill tell ya i dressed like a stripper pre-islam lol...) and eventually i started completley wearing Hijab, stopped wearing makeup even, fasted during ramadan, and eventually I went to the Mosque and officially took my Shahadah in front of everyone at the Mosque. Its a very slow process for some people like me but if you choose to convert, in a couple years you will look back on your decision as the best decision of you life. Just take time to research before you jump right in. Goodluck!!
 
Thank you everyone, for all your advice and kind words.
I know it's been a long time since I have replied or posted, and I apologize for that. I just.. couldn't find the words to say back. I have been reading the responses, though.

Through research, reading, youtube talks, etc and most of all through my own feelings, I decided that converting is something I want to do. It took me a while to tell my boyfriend.. I wasn't sure how to say that? Like you can't just say "Oh, by the way, I actually have realized that I definitely believe in god now.. not in a 'just kinda maybe' agnostic way, either".. that would be too strange? I guess he would have understood me.

I actually didn't tell him until after I had what was probably my 3rd near-death experience of the year.. As with the previous two, it was driving, and this one was entirely out of my control. The other two I managed to escape from using skill I didn't know I had (no one can tell me I didn't have help there), but with this one there was literally nothing I could do.. So I asked for help, and Allah answered. I pulled over when I could, and was crying.. messaged my boyfriend and told him what happened.
 
Pixeled said:
Thank you everyone, for all your advice and kind words.
I know it's been a long time since I have replied or posted, and I apologize for that. I just.. couldn't find the words to say back. I have been reading the responses, though.

Through research, reading, youtube talks, etc and most of all through my own feelings, I decided that converting is something I want to do. It took me a while to tell my boyfriend.. I wasn't sure how to say that? Like you can't just say "Oh, by the way, I actually have realized that I definitely believe in god now.. not in a 'just kinda maybe' agnostic way, either".. that would be too strange? I guess he would have understood me.

I actually didn't tell him until after I had what was probably my 3rd near-death experience of the year.. As with the previous two, it was driving, and this one was entirely out of my control. The other two I managed to escape from using skill I didn't know I had (no one can tell me I didn't have help there), but with this one there was literally nothing I could do.. So I asked for help, and Allah answered. I pulled over when I could, and was crying.. messaged my boyfriend and told him what happened.
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Wow that's great :ma:. May Allah guide you to his deen Ameen.

If you have any other questions or thoughts, feel free to post them.
 

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