Marriage: my parents are apperently not able to find one.

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new2010

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I am genuinely struggling with getting married. I am intending to do so, since a couple of years. I haven't been able, my parents haven't been supporting me. By the way, I am male. Now, some years later, they was looking for a good wife but they don't know anyone "good", that fits into my criteria. I am really doubting my parents are capable to find a woman. They are practising but they don't practise in the way of Quran and Sunnah to one hundred per cent (who does?, other question); Their arguing is really weird when it comes to criteria of a certain woman.

I don't expect a perfect sister, so I am aware of there is no one perfect except Allah. But I am getting older, I want to start studying next year, really don't know how to proceed. I want to do everything in accordance with Quran and Sunnah, but it's difficult, when your surrounding (parents) have not this idea. Actually they have, but it weird, they think they're doing right, but they obviously aren't.

May I take these matters in one's hand?


Fact is, I NEED to get married. But there are so many doubts. Am I mature enough? Will I be able to feed my wife (I know Allah provides us with risk, however will she be satisfied)? Have I gained enough knowledge? Will I be able to give her all rights? How will I deal with when she doesn't obey Allah and Rasulallah. Am I able to obey them? My Iman goes really up and down.

I don't want make it difficult but it's even difficult to talk about it. I think I am kind of shy when it comes to girls and marriage. I don't like to talk with my parents about that or anyone else. How is it in your case? Do you have issues in that regard either?
 
Is it really so bad being married, bro? I honestly don't think so. I mean, yes, it might happen rough times, but that's life. I think everything you need, is a relaxed wife, who is not aiming to fight. So even if there is a dispute, you can deal with it without disputing. Just go away for couple of minutes or hours and speak it out later when everybody calm down. Only problem, this just works out when both think like that otherwise it won't help or change anything.

I think we have to see marriage as business company you and your partner are like teamplayer and take the life as a challenge and struggle through it together. Is just hard to find one, whom you can trust and both need to be on the path of Quran and Sunnah.
 
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new2010 said:
I think everything you need, is a relaxed wife, who is not aiming to fight.
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I don't think a woman like that exists in this day and age... they all want to argue, and I have adrenaline problems, so I probably won't ever get married Allahu Alam... hitting 40 soon, whatever... it is what it is.

Scimi
 
Akhi, why you have "adrenaline problems"? Actually I know what you mean by that. I get this adrenaline problems when I see someone close, who dress not properly. I could explode, even I told 100 times.

Do you know what the real problem is (I think)? We man are no really man as woman are no more real woman. And this comes because we are not following our religion perfectly as Quran and Sunnah commands us. When we man would be man, with very good ahklaq and would be able to speak as our prophet sas. has spoken, there would no woman who would try to argue; I am pretty sure of it. However I only can speak from theory, I have no experience with stuff like that.

Really difficult I am younger than you but won't give up. I even hadn't any conversation with a sister, so everything is theory on me.
 
Assalamualaikum.

I was a boy who had many friends. Now 99% of my friends have married (I myself widower with children). Many of them married the women who introduced by people around them, including who introduced by their (boys) mothers. But no one of them got a wife because people around them gave them. The role of people around them was just proposing .... "There is a girl who expecting a husband. If you are interested, let's we go there to meet her".

Young bro, I notice, you have an attitude like a boy who expects to have bicycle and you expect your parent give you bicycle that you want, then you just ride it. No wonder if your parents feel difficult to fulfill your want to have a wife.

If you could come to my place, In Shaa Allah, I could try to find a girl and introduce her to you. But there is an important thing that I must tell you, there's no guarantee she would accept you. So, do not expect me to give you a wife because the only thing that I could do is help you to meet a girl who expect to have a husband, and then you do an effort to make her accept you.

Now do you understand difficulty that faced by your parent?. You may deny, but what you write in your post obviously seen you expect your parent to give you a wife, a girl who automatically will marry you without you do an effort to make her accept you.

You should be a man who independent, not a man who still dependent to your parent if you want to get married. Independency is the important thing that you must have if you want to be a husband.

Develop yourself to be a man who deserve to be accepted by a woman, and develop your ability to convince a woman and her parents to accept you. Yes, bro, the key to get a wife is you must dare to tell her that you are interested to marry her.

Are you shy?. Basically all men are shy too when they must talk to a woman about it for the first time. It's okay if you ask help from third party to tell a woman that you are interested to marry her. But then you must still tell it again by yourself. If you just ask help from the third part to propose marriage to a woman but then you do not tell her that you are indeed want to marry her, do not expect your proposal will be accepted.

Now about the another point. Will you able to deal with the problems that can occur in marriage?.

Young bro, in another thread I have ever gave an advice, "Know the field before you walk on it". Do you know bro, I have learned about marriage, about my duty as a husband and father, about problems that can occur in marriage and how to deal with these, .... long time before I got married, even before I met someone. So, when a problem occurred in my married life, what I thought was "This is what I should do", not "What I should do?".

:)
 
Ardianto, brother, you may be right in some points but I am not expecting a bicycle but I know what you mean. Is it too much wanting a woman who dresses properly, at least a hijab with appropriate clothes? The basic understanding of Islam, who is intended to follow Quran and Sunnah - what I think is the main part having a good and successful marriage.

I know I have being accepted by her and this is the most problematic part. I wrote it in bold in my prior post , "Have I gained enough knowledge?" I am expecting a woman who is following Quran and Sunnah but am I following really Quran and Sunnah ,so I can expect that from her? Does I have a good character so I am expecting from her? That's the critical part: I don't know. I struggle with society issues and have no really friends. That's not because people don't like me, it's because I like being alone and this caused a weird situation being too much alone in my room. I of course go out, studying, library, masjid and have some hobbies but I am at my own and it's doesn't disturb me. What disturbs me is not being involved in social activities because I don't like being with too much people, even in the masjid.

The reason why I expect from my parents to find a wife is: I always thought this is the way of Sunnah. We have no right to speak to woman, so we have to lower our gazes. How should I speak to a sister? I have seen really a lot of lectures and read books about this topic, but the only option I have is to find the mahram of one girl and go to him and ask. But this is difficult because again: Have I gained enough knowledge? Am I on the position to ask for the hand of a sister?

I want to be a good husband, I want to be a good Muslim. Both are not easy, but I am kind of frustrated, I want to be perfect in all but I am feeling like one who do only bad. By extension, I've been involved in kind of bad habits and only marriage can solve that, so it's vicious cycle and seems to be never ending.

So, I know, I've to be accepted and a woman has also her standards on her husband and certain wishes.
 
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Assalaamu alaikum "new",

Mmm, whereabouts do you live? I think that the exact ways of finding a spouse depend on the society you live in. (smile) I know a little about North American society, for instance, but I'd probably be lost in Indonesia!

Anyway, I think it's good that you want to marry; (sigh) too many young men aren't interested in the responsibilities and challenges of marriage. (sad) And actually, quite a lot of older men, too. And now women are wanting it less, too. So there are an awful lot of lonely people out there who aren't benefitting from the wonderful opportunities for spiritual growth that marriage affords. And the children, if there are any, suffer, too. Furthermore, when families are weakened, the fabric of society is weakened, too.

(smile) So I'm praying you can find someone to grow with, and that you'll have piles of children in a happy family.

May Allah, the Determiner, Decree what is best for you in this life and the Next.
 
new2010 said:
Akhi, why you have "adrenaline problems"?
Click to expand...

my Adrenal glands secrete adrenaline constantly... I find it hard to relax, sleep, and get comfortable, i fidget and my brain is constantly over thinking and rationalising and working... I am hyper human.

Because of this, I need a really chilled out and easy going, non argumentative wife, because I know what I am like... the adrenaline makes me want to fight. I need someone who knows how to make someone like me - just shut up and drink tea instead :)

Scimi
 
Parents find a wife for the son actually is cultural. I know, you come from culture where arranged marriage is very common and you want your parents arrange a marriage for you. Unfortunately they cannot do it, and it makes you feel disappointed. The thread title shows that you blame your parents for it.

No, no, bro. Do not blame your parents, and do not depend on your parents. You can ask other people to find a girl who expect to have a husband, then you and your parents come to her home, talk to her and her parents that you have interest to marry her. Yes, you must dare to talk, and you must dare to face the risk of rejection. You cannot just stay at home and expect for parents to arrange a marriage for you because seem like it will not happen.

Have you gained enough knowledge?. What knowledge that you mean?. Islamic knowledge?. I am sure that you already have enough knowledge, and I believe that you are a good Muslims. I know, there are girls who say that they expect future husband who is hafiz. My advice is, avoid girl like this. It's better if you propose marriage to pious girl who is humble, who does not expect something high from the future husband.

What you should do is develop yourself to become a man who has high responsibility, have good politeness, can treat the wife well, etc. So it will make you deserve to be accepted as husband. And the girl and her parent will know that you are a good man who deserve to be accepted as husband, only if you meet and talk with them.
 
Scimitar said:
my Adrenal glands secrete adrenaline constantly... I find it hard to relax, sleep, and get comfortable, i fidget and my brain is constantly over thinking and rationalising and working... I am hyper human.

Because of this, I need a really chilled out and easy going, non argumentative wife, because I know what I am like... the adrenaline makes me want to fight. I need someone who knows how to make someone like me - just shut up and drink tea instead :)

Scimi
Click to expand...

Maybe you need a wife who knocks you down and then serves a cup of tea to relax your nerves. By the other words, someone very mature one.
 
sister herb said:
Maybe you need a wife who knocks you down and then serves a cup of tea to relax your nerves. By the other words, someone very mature one.
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Allah knows best. I really don't care anymore to be honest... I'm fine being single subhaan Allah. There goes half my deen.

I'm a hermit anyway so... not gonna be finding anyone by sitting at home and I'm not about to become a social butterfly nor will I join any islamic intro site either.... it is what it is.

Jazak Allahu khair.

Scimi
 
Scimitar said:
I don't think a woman like that exists in this day and age... they all want to argue, and I have adrenaline problems, so I probably won't ever get married Allahu Alam... hitting 40 soon, whatever... it is what it is.

Scimi
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Marriage is Sunnah,

we not entitled to reject it, as stated in Ahadith.

also Marriage makes it easier to Lower ones gaze and Guard ones Modesty and Satisfy ones desires in a Halaal way,

Rasulullah :saws: said the Greatest Treasure a Man can attain in Dunya, is a Pious Wife (after Imaan of course)

choose your spoused based on Deen and Akhlaq/Character brothers and sisters and you won't have headaches and heartaches,

insha'allah

:jz:
 
It's not fardh though is it? I'm not gonna end up in hell because I didn't get married, right?

Not everyone is meant for marriage. Thank you for the reminder, but its not something i'm unaware of bud.

Scimi
 
saif-uddin said:
Marriage is Sunnah,

we not entitled to reject it, as stated in Ahadith.

also Marriage makes it easier to Lower ones gaze and Guard ones Modesty and Satisfy ones desires in a Halaal way,

Rasulullah :saws: said the Greatest Treasure a Man can attain in Dunya, is a Pious Wife (after Imaan of course)

choose your spoused based on Deen and Akhlaq/Character brothers and sisters and you won't have headaches and heartaches,

insha'allah

:jz:
Click to expand...
Actually lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage. There are men who still cannot guard his gaze and always tease other women although they have married. In another side there are unmarried men who are good in lowering gaze and guard modesty.

Is marriage sunnah?. Yes, and we must follow this sunnah. But there is difference between people who don't want to get married, and people who want to get married but always failed.
 
Well said bro Ardianto.

I protect my self from the sin of EYES by not going out unless I absolutely have to go out for something, and even then - in dhikr and fearful for the distractions when we walk amongst the shops and markets - they are trials. So why put ourselves in the direct line of trials which tempt us to sin? Refraining from the sin is as simple as removing yourself from the opportunity to engage in it - and that is what I have done.

Scimi
 
ardianto said:
Actually lowering gaze and guard the modesty have nothing to do with marriage. There are men who still cannot guard his gaze and always tease other women although they have married. In another side there are unmarried men who are good in lowering gaze and guard modesty.

Is marriage sunnah?. Yes, and we must follow this sunnah. But there is difference between people who don't want to get married, and people who want to get married but always failed.
Click to expand...

I was referring to people who don't want to get married, such people are asking for trouble,

secondly Lowering our Gaze and Guarding our Modesty is directly related to Marriage,

Marriage allows one to direct their Sexual desires in a Halaal way,

If you block out the Halaal (Forbid marriage for yourself) then you will inevitabely be more suseptible to fall into the Sin of Zina, whether this is of the eyes, tongue, limbs,

Nauzubillah min zaliq.

Allah ta'ala describes the Husband and Wife as a Shield/Protection against Munkar/Fahisha for each other ...

Surah Baqarah Ayah 187
-----------------------------
"...They are your garments and you are their garments..."

The function of a garment is to protect and conceal,

Rasulullah :saws: also said ...

Ibn Mas‘ood :ra: who said: We were with the Prophet :saws: young men who had nothing of wealth. The Messenger of Allah :saws: said to us: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it should fast, for it will be a shield for him.”

[narrated in Sahih Al-Bukhaari (5066) and Muslim (1400)]

Marriage has a direct connection to LOwering our gaze and Guarding our Modesty,

Choose your spouses based on Deen and Character, and you find that it greatly helps in Lowering our gaze, minimising Zina of the yes, tongue and limbs/Guarding our modesty.

:jz:
 
People who want to get married should.
People who don't want to get married shouldn't until they're ready.

No one should get married if they aren't committed to it, but only do so because other people tell them they need to. It makes no sense at all and it's not fair to the person you're getting married to. Being married does not prevent you from looking at others or doing the unthinkable and being single does not mean you're more prone to doing those things either.

Go pay a visit to the advice forums on here and other Islamic sites if you want proof.
 
I think it's time to make my position clear - I've been trying to get married since 2004, Eleven years on and after a few broken engagements - I feel hopeless and therefore, don't feel I have it in my destiny. I have become somewhat bitter about the whole thing and therefore, will be of no use to any woman until I can resolve these issues within myself first - problem is, I've gotten used to being alone, and I like my own company.

I'm also 40 this year.

Although many of you will say "don't lose hope" and "I know someone who married at the age of *enter age here*" etc etc etc... try being in my position, and maintaining a positive outlook - the reality is, opportunities for someone of my age run thin in this regard, and I have faced up to the facts, and have learnt to accept them.

if it is not in my destiny, then it simply won't happen - if Allah has other plans despite how I feel - then it will. Simple.

Scimi
 

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