Physically unattractiveness

[Scimitar]

But you must understand the OP psychological condition. He always bullied by people and it makes him being sensitive.

Strange then, how he chose a very self deprecating username... he himself has used the word ugly, so I too have done the same. You know me bro, I don't mince my words, I tell it like it is... some people would prefer to be molly coddled but that to me is just emo rubbish which doesn't nurture ones progress... reflection does, and the OP has so far evaded the question...

Bro, if you ask that question to me, calmly I could answer "If I love her, why not?", but OP regard that question as a form of bullying because that question is indeed, one form of bullying that experienced by people like the OP. I understand if you didn't realize it, but I know it because I observe what happen in society.

The OP has said no such thing, all he said was "you haven't read my post" and I returned with "I'm asking you now, would you marry an ugly woman?" and the reason he has thus far not answered is because he is not comfortable with the answer... it's obvious to me... what is also obvious to me is that you are making excuses up for him. He has a will of his own which he is not exercising because you have answered for him although he probably does not even sponsor your opinion... he just wants to be molly coddled and you are doing a fine job of it bro Ardianto.

People like OP do not expect to get beautiful spouse. They will be grateful if they can find women who can accept them although these women are far from beautiful.

I would prefer if he answered instead of you. Truth.

But statement like "Since you are ugly, you should marry the ugly too" will make them feel dumped from the society. Feel dumped from society, this is what makes them suffer.

My brother, please try to learn to understand other people's feeling.

Like you brother Ardianto, I am also very much aware of the social ills which pervade Muslim society in the modern age. Like you, I also feel that the OP has been hard done by his very own community and family and that is unacceptable... but you know what else is unacceptable?

Coming to this forum with a bias which makes one look like an hypocrite, don't get me wrong, I'm not calling him one - just pointing out the dangers of his inability to answer questions in his own thread - so far the OP has evaded a very important question and I am starting to believe that he is not genuine in wanting to resolve this issue of marriage.

There was another thread he posted in which a sister OP'd a post about her unable to find a suitable spouse due to her being not considered beautiful... the OP from this thread posted in her thread also, empathising with her... but when I ask him if he would marry someone like that, he goes strangely silent?

I mean, come on bro... really? Think for a second how much this UglyMan member is in need of some deep spiritual truths which he can only really realise upon much contemplation and reflection. I just try to speed up that process by giving hm questions which are difficult to answer because they are so personal to him. it is my method. Maybe you can appreciate it, maybe you can't. I'm not stopping you from helping him in your own way, maybe you should return the same courtesy to me?

Scimi

 

[Scimitar]

Salaam brother

Wassalaam.

my sister is unmarried, she is not what people would consider "beautiful" but - she has a heart which is incomparable and she is of a suitable age, 32... are you interested? We live in London UK.

Scimi

 

[uglyman]

Wassalaam.

my sister is unmarried, she is not what people would consider "beautiful" but - she has a heart which is incomparable and she is of a suitable age, 32... are you interested? We live in London UK.

Scimi

Salaam brother I was reading the forum from a distance to see how this topic would enrol itself and I never thought that you would consider marring me off with your sister. Yes indeed I am interested in marrying your sister Mash'Allah I didn't knew you would offer such an proposition I am literally speechless nevertheless I will be delighted to ask her hand for marriage.

But I have more of this proposals in the past and they all went up in vain because the women that I had contact with thought that they where better off i.e. had better appearances' than my appearance. Actually they were right but they had only a slightly advantage on me but they where so blinded by this that they didn't realize that they met a good hearted men unfortunately. The best part of all these women was they were rejected over and over again for not being beautiful but as soon as they see me they think HE is much uglier than we do and they get such ignorance unbelievable!

But if your sister can live with an ugly guy like me I will indeed enlighten her life with joy based on laughter and love that I have lost for nearly 15 years! So yes I can come over to live in England or else where with your sister and please ask her and tell about me and Inch'Allah she will agree.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Abdul Musawwir,


(mildly) You are so convinced that appearances are so vital… but you know, have you considered that women may have turned you down for other reasons than your appearance?

(mildly) Many men make the mistake of thinking that appearance is very important for a woman. (smile) Because it is so important for them! But it really isn't. Women tend to go for strength, and I don't mean physical… another mistake men make. (smile) Think of it… when we are pregnant and breastfeeding, we and our babies are very vulnerable. We look for protection. If a man is strong, he can protect us better. Wealth, power, intelligence… these are powerful attractions because they signal the ability to protect. Yes, physical strength counts for a bit. (mildly) But in these days, physical strength is not a very useful protection in many circumstances.

A man who is self-confident tends to project strength, even if his finances, etc aren't so good. So self-confident men tend to attract women (this is also why women may fall for unpleasant men; they fall for the false sense of security these apparently strong (but they are really very weak) men project).

Women also need affection. I think it's maybe because we are designed to cuddle our little ones when they are so in need of us. (smile) We are designed to be looking for affection, so that we can give it to our children when they need our physical and emotional care. But we also need it for ourselves. I can tell you, after a long day dealing with all the challenges children present, a mother really craves some affection to recharge her batteries.

Abdul Musawwir, you are so focused on your need for a woman, and you are so obsessed with your appearance, that I wonder if you realize how you are coming across? As a woman, I feel from you a lot of anger, immaturity and selfishness. Essentially, weakness. I note that you don't listen very well, or empathize, and that you don't seem to give much to others. (mildly) These are not attractive traits for a woman.

Ardianto is essentially correct in his advice to work on your personality. I really question whether your looks have as much to do with your difficulties in marrying, as you think they do.

(mildly) I would not normally mention these things so directly. But I feel that Scimi and his sister are now put in a difficult position. If she decides she does not want to marry you, you will attribute that to your looks. But it may well be that she might decide not to marry you for other reasons.

(sigh) If you want to convince a woman to marry you (and remain happily married), try to focus on what her needs are. And then try to fulfil those needs. Yes, a woman needs to do this for her husband, too. But I'm talking to you, right now.

(mildly) And if you don't want these things to be discussed on a public Forum, then I would suggest that you become a full member (you could contribute on other topics, too, and give us a better insight into your full character)… and that you and Scimi contact one another privately. This public discussion of something as sensitive as this is not respectful to a woman, in my opinion. It seems to me that it opens people up to getting hurt, embarrassed, and having their reputations harmed.

Please, can we continue any such conversations in private messaging?


May Allah, the Forbearing, Forgive us all for our weaknesses, and Help us behave in ways that are pleasing to Him.

 

[uglyman]

Assalaamu alaikum Abdul Musawwir,

...................etc

Please, can we continue any such conversations in private messaging?


May Allah, the Forbearing, Forgive us all for our weaknesses, and Help us behave in ways that are pleasing to Him.

Dear sister I think you forget one important thing and that is that you never saw me or let alone was present when I was in contact with the would-be partners. And secondly I want to make it clear that I am not beautiful I don't want to lie about it either. Sometimes there are people who are better off than you and there are people how are less fortunate than you. But in this case I don't want to lie about my appearance as mentioned the reason why most would-be partners turn me down is due to my looks.

How do I know this fact? They bluntly admit this to me and use it as a reason to 'dump' me and not regarding my confidence! On the contrary the would-be partners liked my knowledge regarding Islam and how I would like to see to raise my family. Every would-be partner admitted that I had a beautiful mind-set regarding achieving a happy family with Islam as guide line. The only thing that made them turn me down was their attitude as mentioned regarding looking better than my self and please do note that the son of Adam (SA) is greedy by nature especially when you see room i.e. to get a proposal from a better looking would-be partner.

To come back to the proposal from one of our fellow forum member: I don't want to lie about my appearance and I am obligated to give him a clear look into my physical attributes before he can ask his sister. And if that turned him or her down I can only say Maktab from Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala). I am not going to proclaim that I am physically attractive because if that was the case I would already be married and not been turned down by a dozen of would-be partners. So truth comes before boastfulness and I don't like to brag about something that I have or would have it only brings disappointment in life.

No I don't like to PM because there are people like me out there that can learn from this topic and make them accept themselves that they always will be viewed by others as more physically unattractive than they are. Believe me people like me are indeed unique we are the 35% that walk around with an invisible plate that says: You're so physical unattractive kick me and hurt me! I am honest because we are all greedy by nature including my self and truth is better than lying and to become less greedy is by being honest towards my fellow brothers and sisters. And Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'ala) loves the people how speak the truth even when it is hurting you a lot.

 

[uglyman]

Assalaamu alaikum Abdul Musawwir,

Abdul Musawwir, you are so focused on your need for a woman, and you are so obsessed with your appearance, that I wonder if you realize how you are coming across? As a woman, I feel from you a lot of anger, immaturity and selfishness. Essentially, weakness. I note that you don't listen very well, or empathize, and that you don't seem to give much to others. (mildly) These are not attractive traits for a woman.

Sister you make another wrong turn I am not in desperate need for a women and I am not obsessed with my appearance you make it sound like I am a psychopath that is on the brink of kidnapping or molesting a women due to my mental condition. Actually the reason why I started this topic was due to a story about a girl that realized that she will never be treat equally as her good looking friends. Her story resembles exactly what I have/still encounter everyday especially the injustice inflicted upon her due to the fact of being physically unattractive.

If you never experienced it please be grateful to Allah there is nothing more denigrating a human soul than playing the card of physical appearance. It's like stabbing and causing wounds that nobody can see what kind of damage it has caused. But like with every wound this wound can heal itself but when you are stricken over and over with the same knife i.e. with the card of physical appearance these wounds become immense and every time someone rejects you due to this knife i.e. physical appearance card the wound can't be healed and there is no joker card either only trust in Allah can heal the wounds over time.

Can you play a card game where you can't win a single game? This is exactly what someone like me and other people like me are playing known that you will always lose the game no matter what. Look at the hadith that I have posted ugly is like poor and beautiful is like rich and what do you ask Allah when you do Dua? Do you ask Allah to make you poor? Or do you ask Allah to grant you Barakah? Ugly is like darkness and beautiful is like light. Do you ask Allah to give you light or do you ask Allah for darkness? Do you know the hadith of the son of Adam (SA)? This hadith indeed encompasses also topic about physically appearances.

I don't accuse you sister this world is a test for everybody including the people how are blessed with a beautiful appearance and the less fortunate regarding their appearance.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Abdul Musawwir,

(sigh) I have no issue with you wanting to talk about yourself. I am asking that you respect Scimi's sister and not talk about her on the open Forum.

May Allah, the Wise, Gift you with what is best for you in this life and the Next.

 

[BeTheChange]

Aslamualykum!

Hope you are all in good health and the best of emaan in sha Allah.

I have read everyone's comments on here. I think everyone has good intentions here in sha Allah and everyone's trying to help in their own unique little way in sha Allah.

I don't know if my words will help - Allah swa knows best!

Alhamdulilah you have a potential proposal from brother Scimitar - in sha Allah this works out for you.

I don't know whether this is what you intended to 'gain' from this thread or whether you were looking for comfort brother?

I just wanted to remind you that yes marriage is half of your deen, but, if you have tried and tried and there is no results, then maybe it's just not meant to be?

Sometimes when we want something in this life it is not given to us.

A) Because, Allah swa knows what we want is not good for our life in the next world

B) Allah swa will replace our dua with whatever we wish in the next life

C) Other reason known to Allah swa.

There are many different men with different priorities and needs and there are also many different women with different priorities and different aspirations. I understand in many Asian cultures and other cultures it is very important to get married, and even in Islam. Sometimes you are seen as abnormal for not marrying. However, marriage shouldn't be our PURPOSE in life. Our purpose is to worship Allah swa so we should focus on this, in sha Allah.

Am not saying, you shouldn't try. Of course you should, if this is what you want (marriage), but don't be so much focused on marriage that you lose your MAIN priorities in life, i.e. to worship Allah swa.

Being 'ugly' (very subjective), is far more better than having a face which is disfigured, being 'ugly' is better than being in poor health, being 'ugly' is better than (in some cases) being 'attractive' as sometimes we can have ego's as a result, being 'ugly' is far much better as it may bring you much more closer to Allah swa, than for example, if you were 'attractive'.

I hope you have accepted your situation in life - embrace your situation - because we cannot self-harm ourselves. We cannot pity ourselves - we cannot put ourselves down or hurt ourselves so much that we look down upon ourselves - Allah swa forbids this! We have to love ourselves and look after our bodies as this is a trust from Allah swa!

I know you probably know all this, and am sorry am repeating what you already know & maybe it's easy for me to say this (i don't know), but there is soooooo much more to life than your physical appearance.

I know this is the first thing we see and yes we may get bullied as a result etc - it sounds as though you are genuinely traumatised by your experience - but what i would like to say is this - Don't let others define you - you define yourself (in line with Islam), and start treating yourself with RESPECT!! Don't let the situation dictate how your life will be - but you, empower yourself like sis Muslim In sha Allah has stated (in great detail), with confidence and respect.

If you don't respect yourself, how can others respect you?

I found this lecture useful called self image psychology - It can be found here - http://kalamullah.com/lectures.html

Scroll to the bottom you can download - please listen to this and try and act upon the advice.

May Allah swa help you acknowledge your beauty (outer & inner), May Allah swa put you in a good state of mind (if you are not already) Ameen.