Please Advise

[hisnameiszzz]

Hi guys,

Sorry to harp on about the same thing again and again, but please can someone advise me.

2 weeks ago, there was an event at the local Mosque. My Mom forced me to go (I no longer go to the Mosque unless I am made to go!). Moulana Saleem Dhorat saheb from Leicester, a very learned scholar came and funnily enough his topic was about respecting others and how to treat people. He went on and on about how someone would never be a Moomin unless he had Akhlaaq etc. He also mentioned about how sinful it was to harass someone or mistreat them and that their time would come and Allah would show his wrath. He specifically mentioned neighbours. The father and son from next door were at the sermon and they heard the whole of the final sermon as I saw them in it. The scholar spoke in English and Gujerati.

Since that sermon, the neighbours have gone absolutely crazy. Once in a while they would close a door like a normal human being inside the house. Now they slam them all the time, day and night. The father who no longer works slams doors full blast, day in day out. At times, he opens a door, slams it, opens it again, slams it, opens it again, slams and does this simply to harass us. They have always been like this but they have put it up a few notches now.

I have had a week off this week and have been in tears numerous times because it is really getting to me. Though my Mother tried to put on a brave face, I know it is really getting her down. She seems to have faith in her Allah and keeps saying their time will come.

Anyway, I digress. If a scholar tells you not to do something, do you go home and do it? Is that what I am supposed to do also?

If the scholar says you will end up in hell for mistreating people, why oh why would someone go home and mistreat their neighbours? Am I missing something completely?

Please advise.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Your questions are rhetorical and you already know the answer and you're just venting. Fair enough mate but are you 100% sure that they do it deliberately to annoy you?

Someone can be a troll and slam doors every once in a while if they remember but nobody is going to be slamming doors for the fun of it as frequently as you describe, that to me makes no sense.

I think if anything, it's just out of bad habit. I know you've mentioned that you've talked to them about it before and they've not reacted nicely but some people are weird and don't like being criticized which might be the reason they reacted the way they did but the point I'm trying to make is that I don't think they're doing it to victimize you but just purely out of habit without a second thought to how loud it is.

Which is still bad of course but not as bad as them doing it for a sinister reason.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Your questions are rhetorical and you already know the answer and you're just venting. Fair enough mate but are you 100% sure that they do it deliberately to annoy you?

Trust me mate, I would love to think all the non stop door slamming is done accidentally, but it isn't. None of them are ill, no mental health issues etc, so I guess they are just very jaheel and ignorant.

Our house is identical to theirs. If you come from the bedrooms to the front room on the ground floor, the door that you have to open is on the party wall (wall that joins) with the neighbours. This door is slammed closed full pelt by each and every single person (person is the wrong word and I would rather insert a swear word, but I will try and refrain) day and night. Now the door to get from the front room to the kitchen is next to the door that you have to open / close to get to the front room and miraculously the ignorant family close this door ever so carefully. That door is never ever slammed. It is closed ever so quietly. Now the door to get from the kitchen to the basement, and the door from the kitchen to outside are all on our party wall as well and they get slammed continuously.

As I have mentioned in previous topics, the walls are weak in our street, but you bear this in mind when you close doors and don't purposefully do something to harass your neighbours. Well I know I don't and none of my family do. We are not that way inclined.

Last Saturday night it was party time at the jaheels, the doors were slammed continuously from 8pm until 1am. Why my Mom does not agree to move is beyond me.

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,

I wish i could advise but i am really really stuck.

Talking hasn't done nothing.

Council have advised the noise isn't loud enough.

Moving isn't an option.

Earphones don't do the trick.

Exercise doesn't do the job.

An islamic lecture doesn't help.

The only thing i could suggest is maybe change what you have control over? i.e. your outlook on the situation? Think positive? See it as a test and maybe this is your ticket to jannah?

Allah swt knows best.

I wish you well and please don't let the situation control you. I know it's easier said than done but try...

May Allah swt give you the ability to overcome hardship Ameen.

 

[sister herb]

If your neighbors love so much slamming the doors, why not try the same. If they complain slamming and loud talking (read the Quran by voice for example) and make sure they will hear it well in your neighbor too. Maybe not all day but few hours every day.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

The only thing i could suggest is maybe change what you have control over? i.e. your outlook on the situation? Think positive? See it as a test and maybe this is your ticket to jannah?

Hi Auntie BTC,

Thanks for your response. A lot of people mention this test. Could you elaborate a bit more please. A lot of people say I will only be tested until I reach my breaking point which I have reached (I have to take sleeping tablets every night and have done for quite a few years, constantly on edge, cannot think straight etc), so why is the test ongoing? Is it because I am a really bad person (or someone else in my family is evil so the whole family has to suffer?). Have I missed something completely?

Also, when I pray and pray and beg and pray some more and nothing ever changes, am I simply wasting my time and should I just wake up, smell the coffee and stop following? I am sorry if I sound heathen like, but when you have suffered like this for such a long time, you end up losing the plot and do sometimes say stupid things.

I've tried collaring the local Imam and various other Imams but they simply do not have time for me. I am not approaching them because of the beasts next door, but because I truly feel my faith is leaving me, but Imams and Aalims do not seem interested at all in helping me.

If your neighbors love so much slamming the doors, why not try the same. If they complain slamming and loud talking (read the Quran by voice for example) and make sure they will hear it well in your neighbor too. Maybe not all day but few hours every day.

Hi Auntie SH,

Thanks so much for your response.

The houses are built in a very weird way. All our doors are attached to the OTHER neighbours party wall, if I went on a slamming spree, it would end up harassing them not the beasts that are making our life hell. Sometimes I do slam my chair against the wall, but then the beast daughter in the room next to mine will slam her bedroom door a few times and her brother who is in the room above her, slams his door a few times. There is no point in retaliating because they retaliate back twice as hard! No one else in my family retaliates, they do not think that way.

Plus if I do slam my chair or a cupboard door, my Mom goes mental and yells at me. She says it's un-Islamic and how dare I do such a thing. She also says because they are junglee, doesn't mean you have to be a junglee too. I guess it's different, her Father was an Aalim and she was brought up differently.

It's Saturday and I know for a fact the junglees will be having a party tonight, so it's non stop door slamming from 8pm until 1am after which the house will be hoovered. I absolutely dread Saturdays.

 

[sister herb]

Salam alayakum

I know my idea of slamming doors was quite... nasty. :embarrass What about reading the Quran (loudly)? It would benefits both you (may Allah gives you patience) and as well your neighbors (as dua for them to make them change their habits - as it seems that none what humans do doesn´t help). And it´s an Islamic act.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Salam alayakum

I know my idea of slamming doors was quite... nasty. :embarrass What about reading the Quran (loudly)? It would benefits both you (may Allah gives you patience) and as well your neighbors (as dua for them to make them change their habits - as it seems that none what humans do doesn´t help). And it´s an Islamic act.

Hi Auntie SH,

Thanks for your tip. I've never thought of doing that but I will bear it in mind.

The ignorant family are at it again. As predicted, it's Saturday night so the whole hooligan family have a get together. Doors have been slammed non stop today and no doubt it will go on all night until about 1am like last week as it does every week.

Someone left a reputation comment and said to pray Yaseen and blow on the wall. I did and it doesn't seem to have worked (AGAIN!). I'm beginning to wonder if Allah truly hates me and my family and this is why he have to suffer regularly. I wonder what the ignorant family do that he likes so much he blesses them with so much barakah!

I give up!

 

[Search]

:bism:



A raqi (Islamic healer) on Ruqyahshariah recommends the following:

Prevent bad deeds by people with bad hearts. try reciting the following Surahs, every night for their hearts to soften:
Surah Yasin 1x
Surah (69) al-Haqqah 1x

Maybe try that every night after Isha prayer and then pay them a visit when you see an improvement in their behavior to see if they further heed your request to be considerate of you and your family? Also, one of the recommendations to do ruqya from the raqi (Islamic healer) is to recite "la ilahaha ilallah" 1000 times for spiritual strength, and this is especially true if you did not see any improvement. Actually, the blowing should be done with the intention that the blowing is being done on your neighbors, but of course you can do blowing anywhere as Allah SWT knows your intention.

 

[BeTheChange]

Hi Auntie BTC,

Thanks for your response. A lot of people mention this test. Could you elaborate a bit more please. A lot of people say I will only be tested until I reach my breaking point which I have reached (I have to take sleeping tablets every night and have done for quite a few years, constantly on edge, cannot think straight etc), so why is the test ongoing? Is it because I am a really bad person (or someone else in my family is evil so the whole family has to suffer?). Have I missed something completely?

Also, when I pray and pray and beg and pray some more and nothing ever changes, am I simply wasting my time and should I just wake up, smell the coffee and stop following? I am sorry if I sound heathen like, but when you have suffered like this for such a long time, you end up losing the plot and do sometimes say stupid things.

I've tried collaring the local Imam and various other Imams but they simply do not have time for me. I am not approaching them because of the beasts next door, but because I truly feel my faith is leaving me, but Imams and Aalims do not seem interested at all in helping me.

Asalamualykum,

Am sure you have read the Quranic Ayat - Allah swt does not burden a soul with more than he/she can bear so this is your personal test.

Your stronger than you're think and don't let this test get the better of you.

Try and do what you usually do when you're at home but change your mind-set so you are oblivious to the noise. Give that a go and see what comes from it if anything.

I think because you have been affected by your neighbour's behaviour for so long this is all you think about and this is all you hear and it's a vicious circle affecting your sleep, diet, health, mood and so on.

The best thing for you to do is to help yourself. If you think about it your mood and behaviour will also upset your mum so lift your spirit and keep asking Allah swt for mental strength to get through this. In sha Allah.

Concentrate on your relationship with Allah swt and think positive of Allah swt. Allah swt responds back to our duas as we think of HIM.

“Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

[Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Listen to Quran recitation to calm you down and to put things into perspective.

Keep praying to Allah swt. He listens, He responds and He helps us all in sha Allah.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

I think because you have been affected by your neighbour's behaviour for so long this is all you think about and this is all you hear and it's a vicious circle affecting your sleep, diet, health, mood and so on.

The best thing for you to do is to help yourself. If you think about it your mood and behaviour will also upset your mum so lift your spirit and keep asking Allah swt for mental strength to get through this. In sha Allah.

Hi Auntie BTC,

Thanks so much for your response and I do appreciate your time and effort.

You are completely right. I don't even have to be at home. When there are about 3 hours to home time from work, I already start panicking. My heart races, I feel sick, I sometimes throw up. It's that hold they have on you, it's not just when you are at home, it's non stop, day and night. I used to be bullied when I was a young boy but at least I could hide at home and get away from it all. With this, it's non stop, day in, day out, whether I am at home or not.

It has taken over my life and it has taken such a hold of me I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this terror. I also go on another forum solely for people who have "neighbours from hell" and people have moved to quiet houses with no noise but still can't get over the fact that it might start up and they are permanently damaged.

There is an auntie who works in the same building as me. She doesn't know me other than my name and we never speak but she came over to me a few weeks ago and asked why I am always so quiet and so sad. I just burst into tears and told her. She makes a bit of time for me these days and talks to me which gives me a bit of support. She goes to a madrasah for grown ladies and she is going to ask her Aapa to see if there is anyone who would speak to me.

I will do what you have suggested and try and be more positive, but realistically, I know it's not going to happen.

I think it's at times like this when Shaytaan comes and whispers to you and I've had all kinds of crazy thoughts. Please please do not yell at me for saying what I am about to say, I am generally a very religious person and this is making me feel awful but I actually question if God exists, if there is a higher entity about that has control over everything (surely I can't be worshipping the same God as the ignorant family next door, they do everything Islam prohibits and are blessed with non stop barakah, yet we try our best to follow the rules and just get obstacle after obstacle after obstacle), whether I have wasted all 30 years of my life following a religion which makes no sense at all etc. Yeah, the thoughts I am having are pure evil and I feel disgusting for thinking them but that is how I feel.

I have reached out to a few Imams and Aalims but they just don't have time. I am concerned about my faith and I have been for such a long time, hence coming on to here a year ago and asking for advice. I'm not willing to throw my faith away just like that and I have fought and fought so hard but I am so tired and frustrated, I simply cannot even think anymore. Having non stop panic attacks is not nice and it takes over your life. Sometimes I am just sat here and break down into tears and cry for ages on end.

Would it be wrong of me to go and talk to a Priest? I know for a fact they make time for their followers and I could just go and talk to him/her as a follower of another faith wanting a bit of advice or does that sound absurd?

Anyway look at me go on and on. I bet I sound like a right ungrateful moose and I don't blame you for thinking that. But thanks to everyone who replies to my posts and gives me advice and support. I know I bang on about the same thing again and again but I just don't know who else to talk to? A huge thanks to all the sisters who go out of their way to help me especially auntie MuslimInshallah. The amount of support you have given me over the months has been extraordinary and I owe you big time. I just wish I could have you guys as my neighbours instead of the ignorant family!

I can't be that much of a bad person really can I? I've been so frustrated with my faith and things but I still go back to it and I fight so hard to keep the faith. I am sure if I was that way inclined I could just pop into a pub and get absolutely sloshed every day that I would not be able to hear or feel a thing when the ignorant family start making my life hell.

My head hurts. Please pray I get some sleep tonight.

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,

This is what am trying to advise and this is how I would personally tackle the situation. I would change my perspective on the situation. Instead of thinking about it 24/7 and instead of dreading the thought of going home why not put it to bed for a while and see if this helps you. Train your mind so the situation doesn't control you but you’re in control of your own emotions and moods. It’s going to be hard but at first if you force yourself and re-train your mind to think neutral then in sha Allah, it will become a habit and it won’t affect as you much.

The reason why I say this is because at this moment in time you cannot do anything practical which will put an end to this. By the sound of things you have exhausted every avenue. It would be great if you could move but this is not financial feasible for you. It would be great if you could speak to your neighbour and they change their behaviour but this hasn't worked our either.

So FOCUS on what YOU have a control of.

…but realistically, I know it's not going to happen.

Don’t think of failure before it happens. As i advised earlier don’t think good or bad just control your actions and thoughts. We must remember we are all accountable for our actions. Whatever situation you find yourself always remember you are in this situation because Allah swt wills for this to happen and this should be enough for us. We don’t need to question Allah swt decision and we don’t complain as believers. We MUST show patience. Again if this is an area which needs to be worked on then concentrate your energy on this.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) expressed this in a saheeh hadeeth (authentic report) in which he said: “How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for all his affairs are good. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it and that is good for him; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him. This does not apply to anyone but the believer.” (Narrated by Muslim, no. 2999). .

I recently read that it is HARAM for a Muslim to be unhappy (conditions inc.) and the reason why am focusing so much on mind-set and being positive is because having this mind-set achieves wonders. It really does. Being positive doesn't necessary mean you should be naïve and gullible. No we should be realistic and implement both fear AND hope. Everything in moderation in sha Allah.

Moving on to your neighbour’s religiosity and actions. Allah swt knows best.

We’ll be running away from our own family on the day of Judgement never mind our neighbours. In the next life which is the permanent life we will be concerned about ourselves and ONLY ourselves so why don’t we adapt this thinking NOW? i.e. Don’t look for flaws in other people. Someone may have a good appearance on the outside but may be the worst sinner at home and vice versa. We don’t know what’s in another human being heart or mind so why waste your time putting them in categories of good and bad when we ourselves don’t know what is good and bad…


From the words of Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims..

"If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves [ibid]"

And the words of Imam Jafar as-Sadiq , “If you find see something you don’t like in a brother, try to find 1-70 excuses for him. And if you can’t find an excuse, say ‘There might be an excuse, but I don’t know it.’ “

You know you’re going to kick yourself when you realise how much time you have lost thinking about this situation. You really do need to learn how to live with this situation.

Am not sure why the Imams had no time but perhaps you could try contacting other Imams who don’t live in your area? What are you hoping to achieve by speaking to an Imam? Alhamdulilah we have a DIRECT open line of communication with Allah swt and any worries and concerns you have go to Allah swt directly. Spend your time learning more about the deen and this insha Allah will remove all your doubts. Go back to the basics and remember we are here to worship Allah swt.

Change your mind-set ASAP and i wish to remind you of the below hadith.

“Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

[Sahih Al-Bukhari]

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,

There's plenty of e-books and audio lectures you can read or listen to using the below website.

http://www.kalamullah.com/

Focus on something positive like learning about the deen and put the rest of these thoughts to one side.

In sha Allah you will build strong character as a result.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

why are posts like this given attention - its dangerous to the poster and to onlookers tbh

 

[M.I.A.]

Lol, strange coincidence.. Leaves room, forgets glasses, get a cup of water, sits down comfy with said water..decides to be thoughtful and go wash the dishes.

...strange coincidence.

...so now you follow slamming doors for a living.

...should you go over and ask him not to?

Moulana would be proud... Look at me..I'm the captain now!

Or just mail him some door stop springs.

 

[BeTheChange]

 

[BeTheChange]

Please take time out to listen to these mini lectures. In Sha Allah.

 

[BeTheChange]

 

[Search]

:bism:



Bro, you are blessed with Islam, and I can understand that not having your duas answered can weaken your iman to the point of you feeling like an atheist or agnostic. That said, when you've repeatedly pointed at how the other family has so much barakah in their lives despite their ill-thought-out actions as a neighbor, I'd remind yourself that you do not really have full knowledge if there really is barakah present in their lives or not.

For example, in our extended family, we know an orthodontist, and everyone thought she had so much barakah in her lives as she and her husband were presumed to be raking in money and also having a picture perfect family with two boys. However, a decade later, today, they are divorced. And do you know why? Because she discovered that her husband had been having illicit physical relations with dozens of prostitutes over the course of their marriage and she'd discovered the truth of his evil character only when she'd set a private detective on him; she's now in the unthinkable position as a chaste Muslim woman to go to the doctor to discover whether she's contracted any STDs due to his evil. However, to all onlookers not aware of their private life, their life sure looked rosy and full of "barakah," yet that barakah was illusory, and please remember that things are not always what they look like.

Finally, bro, do you notice in you an obsession with your neighbors? And believe me, I understand and sympathize with you, your family, and your situation because have been following your posts for a long time as a I used to be a lurker on the Forum before finally joining, yet you yourself need to take the initiative to let go of this obsession. You cannot control how and when they slam their doors, but you can control yourself and your reactions. This is the power they do not have over you until you choose to afford them that power.

For example, recently, a person I really liked for halal marriage talk some time back, didn't pan out; and I actually had grown an emotional attachment. Sometimes, I still think about him and feel down. However, earlier, I used to feel a little obsessed and very depressed at those thoughts. However, I basically had to get a hold of myself and recognize that I was destroying my peace of mind with these types of cyclical destructive thoughts and try to let go. It's still a work in progress, and sometimes I still become sad. That said, I am very determined to not let have anyone destructive power over myself; I choose. And when I realized I choose, I chose the path of involving myself in things that make me happy or productive.

Also, I'd say keep making duas and not lose in them, whether you see them materializing or not. Because dua only comes true when it meets inayatullah, and you don't know when that moment will come. In the meantime, work on persuading your mother and once again try to put your home on the real estate market; I know you'd said you'd done it once before, and it didn't pan out because of the buyers discovering the problem with your neighbors. But try again. Remember the story of the itsy-bitsy spider who didn't let the hurdles in climbing the wall prevent him from actually succeeding in climbing the wall. You're better than this, and only you can choose to not give up. So, don't.

Remember that you should not and cannot afford to let your neighbors define your life. You define your life. You choose. So, choose what is best.

Take care.

:wa:

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Thanks for your responses Auntie S and BTC. I have sent you a pm auntie BTC if you get a moment.

I fully get where you are both coming from. It has become an obsession, but it's not as easy as you S because with your possible husband, he was not living next door to you. That's the difference here and I am not making excuses but unless I walk around with industrial strength earphones or listen to loud music 24/7 through earphones, the problem is not going to go away.

As Auntie BTC suggested, I woke up this morning (after loads of slamming from next door last night) with a cheery attitude, but that lasted a whole half hour before "they" woke up and started slamming doors on the bedroom floor and then on the ground floor. Again, I tried to think of positive things like my little niece, nephews and pizza etc, but it didn't work because the door slams were just too loud. It went on all afternoon and has been ongoing in the evening also. I am off work for the next few days and I am dreading it. Think cheery and positive, I know, but it's not going to happen.

As you have suggested, I need to work on my Mom. She is absolutely petrified of the noise and this is clearly visible on her face each time a door is slammed. She is constantly nodding off during the day (which I think is dangerous, because when the doors are slammed she jolts awake and it is not good for a lady of her age and ill health) so I doubt she sleeps at night. However, for some reason unknown to me, she will not entertain the thought of moving from here. It's driving me mad. Her craziness amalgamated with the family next door is going to tip me over the edge.

Sorry to go on and on. I apologise to the poster who thinks I should not be allowed to post on here but I am so fearful and scared that I need somewhere to let it out. I would rather speak to a cleric but if they have no time, then there is no one else I can go to, so I decided to turn to you guys on here for a bit of advice and support.

Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it.