livingdaybyday
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Asalamu Aliakum
My story is so long, sorry for troubling you all but I need urgent help & support and advice….please.
Dear brothers & sisters, I am in need of advice an support, I hope this question is answered, please I am stuck. My wife left home 16 months ago, I tried so hard with my family, friends, and relatives to sit down and talk about what the issues are because to this day I still do not know why she left for so long (2nd time in 3 year marriage left home). Her family refused to entertain the idea to just discuss and kept her away from me. The worst part is she is a 4 hour drive away and has my toddler son with her. I was stopped from seeing my son for 10 months, until I took it to court for my son’s sake to have his father in his life. Alhamdulillah’s, I was successful and every 2 weeks I did the long drive to see my son for a few hours for 3 long months, stayed in hotels, stayed in cold freezing car waiting but I stayed strong for my son, and by Allah’s blessing, he now stays with me overnight for one night every 2 weeks and finally got to meet my family after over 1 year without seeing anyone. It is hard of course but I have an amazing family, the only heart-breaking part is when his mother drops him of, he cries so much to not go to me but after I take him, he is completely fine. You should see the smirk on her face when he cries for her. I understand it is not his fault, but it breaks my heart, and cry every journey home when I drop him back to his mum. I have never let him see me cry.
I will say that I did visit her and my son while it was snowing, she would not answer her phone, her family would not open the door, I actually slept in my car that night due to the long journey, asking her for a duvet, but not a single reply. Next day her family allowed me in for 20 minutes to see my son only. I did not see anyone else. Every nappy, milk, cloth I had taken for my son, her mother screamed down the stairs for me to take them with me, when I said no these are for my son, they shoved all these things back into my car. I don’t’ want to say what I felt on the drive home; I am sure you can imagine.
After we went to court, I was then told by her 'you took me to court we are now finished and our marriage is over’. Few days later she contacts me and wants to try to fix our marriage and I should cancel the child court order but I stuck to it, she always drops my son of late, picks up late, then I get solicitors letter that when my son is with me for just a few hours, he gets ill, I don’t change nappies, I make him cry, etc etc so many lies. Her letters did not scare me and I stuck the order. After she was not successful, she wants to again try to fix marriage, so I tried for the sake of my son, then she changes mind, then wants to try again, then changes mind and so on to the point she changed her number for 5 months! (changed number 3 months after she first left). Something just is not right.
After a few months of no contact she contacted me again for her belongings, so I said we need to discuss our marriage and take it from there, I explained it Islamically and the reply was ‘ok mister mufti saab!’she refused to talk and 'disappeared' for weeks on end again.
Eventually she came with the police, her brother & her brother’s friend to take her stuff and left behind the wedding dress I bought for her (very expensive). 1 week later I received a solicitor letter telling me to give that dress back as it is hers...sigh. So I just gave to keep the peace it as I am not materialistic. She then blames me for giving back all her stuff, and says he only came for some ‘winter’ clothing and I kicked all her stuff out. Honestly writing this I feel so ashamed of her behavior. In front of her brother, the police and her brothers friend, she told me to shut up, told me I was fat, old (I am only 29!, she is 24) etc etc. I told the police, you came because she lied and said she feels scared, yet it’s her behavior that is being shown up, she just nodded.
This is an extremely angry women, with a family who refuse to listen and understand anyone else, her father has called me mentally disturbed, called my mother the same, my family low, his family does nothing wrong and I am this, that and the other. It is so tiring.
I got shouted at, pushed, called not a man, I am nothing without my father, mocking me, mocking my family. saying bad things to me when I drop my son of to her (he is only 18 months). She gave her rings back and asked for a divorce and I should hurry up and give her one yet when I did she told me to cancel because she wants to ‘try’ again. Calling me fat, old, mentally disturbed, my mother is this and that so on and so on. Exactly what her father calls me, she does the same. I remember going to see my son after 8 or 9 months of not seeing him, her dad proclaimed 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOUR SON! I was not allowed to see my son, then I am questioned. It’s so crazy & strange.
'So i got tired of the game, and I filed for English divorce, then she refuses the divorce and wanted me to cancel the divorce and try again. Looking at my son, I did stop it and tried again. Everything seems to be going good, then 2 days before she is to return home, she asks more time and she is 'confused'. So from caring if I am eating, sleeping, to now she’s disappeared again.
Where do I go from here? I look at my son and cry not to divorce so he can grow up to be a man in my house and not in another man’s house if she marries again. I am scared to get divorced. She is toying with me I know it; I know she does not love me even though she says she does. How does a wife leave a husband for this long not caring is he is alive, eating, sleeping I just don’t get it.
I am not upset about her because she treats me worse than an animal, like she said her father is FIRST then I come next...that hurt me alot. I am scared to lose my son, and she is already influencing badly (giving our son a Mohican haircut, toba toba). So I told her why did you do this, her reply is 'if you don’t like it go cut it again!)
I have now been separated for 17 months. I live alone sleep alone, eat alone, did Ramadan alone, cook alone, clean alone, Come home from work to empty house no warmth of a wife’s smile. No laughter of my child. It's so hard. Now she is back wanting a divorce, has stated she wants our home that she lived in for a total of 2 weeks! Has told me to move back into my parents if she 'wins' the home. I said to her I couldn't believe she would do this to me and it's like she has stabbed me in the back. Her reply was 'stab you? no darling I don't do things like that' I haev never heard her ever say darling and it is an insulting way to talk.
What shall I do brothers & sisters, is it time to man up and divorce? Should I be patient? Any thoughts or advise?
May Allah guide me.
My story is so long, sorry for troubling you all but I need urgent help & support and advice….please.
Dear brothers & sisters, I am in need of advice an support, I hope this question is answered, please I am stuck. My wife left home 16 months ago, I tried so hard with my family, friends, and relatives to sit down and talk about what the issues are because to this day I still do not know why she left for so long (2nd time in 3 year marriage left home). Her family refused to entertain the idea to just discuss and kept her away from me. The worst part is she is a 4 hour drive away and has my toddler son with her. I was stopped from seeing my son for 10 months, until I took it to court for my son’s sake to have his father in his life. Alhamdulillah’s, I was successful and every 2 weeks I did the long drive to see my son for a few hours for 3 long months, stayed in hotels, stayed in cold freezing car waiting but I stayed strong for my son, and by Allah’s blessing, he now stays with me overnight for one night every 2 weeks and finally got to meet my family after over 1 year without seeing anyone. It is hard of course but I have an amazing family, the only heart-breaking part is when his mother drops him of, he cries so much to not go to me but after I take him, he is completely fine. You should see the smirk on her face when he cries for her. I understand it is not his fault, but it breaks my heart, and cry every journey home when I drop him back to his mum. I have never let him see me cry.
I will say that I did visit her and my son while it was snowing, she would not answer her phone, her family would not open the door, I actually slept in my car that night due to the long journey, asking her for a duvet, but not a single reply. Next day her family allowed me in for 20 minutes to see my son only. I did not see anyone else. Every nappy, milk, cloth I had taken for my son, her mother screamed down the stairs for me to take them with me, when I said no these are for my son, they shoved all these things back into my car. I don’t’ want to say what I felt on the drive home; I am sure you can imagine.
After we went to court, I was then told by her 'you took me to court we are now finished and our marriage is over’. Few days later she contacts me and wants to try to fix our marriage and I should cancel the child court order but I stuck to it, she always drops my son of late, picks up late, then I get solicitors letter that when my son is with me for just a few hours, he gets ill, I don’t change nappies, I make him cry, etc etc so many lies. Her letters did not scare me and I stuck the order. After she was not successful, she wants to again try to fix marriage, so I tried for the sake of my son, then she changes mind, then wants to try again, then changes mind and so on to the point she changed her number for 5 months! (changed number 3 months after she first left). Something just is not right.
After a few months of no contact she contacted me again for her belongings, so I said we need to discuss our marriage and take it from there, I explained it Islamically and the reply was ‘ok mister mufti saab!’she refused to talk and 'disappeared' for weeks on end again.
Eventually she came with the police, her brother & her brother’s friend to take her stuff and left behind the wedding dress I bought for her (very expensive). 1 week later I received a solicitor letter telling me to give that dress back as it is hers...sigh. So I just gave to keep the peace it as I am not materialistic. She then blames me for giving back all her stuff, and says he only came for some ‘winter’ clothing and I kicked all her stuff out. Honestly writing this I feel so ashamed of her behavior. In front of her brother, the police and her brothers friend, she told me to shut up, told me I was fat, old (I am only 29!, she is 24) etc etc. I told the police, you came because she lied and said she feels scared, yet it’s her behavior that is being shown up, she just nodded.
This is an extremely angry women, with a family who refuse to listen and understand anyone else, her father has called me mentally disturbed, called my mother the same, my family low, his family does nothing wrong and I am this, that and the other. It is so tiring.
I got shouted at, pushed, called not a man, I am nothing without my father, mocking me, mocking my family. saying bad things to me when I drop my son of to her (he is only 18 months). She gave her rings back and asked for a divorce and I should hurry up and give her one yet when I did she told me to cancel because she wants to ‘try’ again. Calling me fat, old, mentally disturbed, my mother is this and that so on and so on. Exactly what her father calls me, she does the same. I remember going to see my son after 8 or 9 months of not seeing him, her dad proclaimed 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOUR SON! I was not allowed to see my son, then I am questioned. It’s so crazy & strange.
'So i got tired of the game, and I filed for English divorce, then she refuses the divorce and wanted me to cancel the divorce and try again. Looking at my son, I did stop it and tried again. Everything seems to be going good, then 2 days before she is to return home, she asks more time and she is 'confused'. So from caring if I am eating, sleeping, to now she’s disappeared again.
Where do I go from here? I look at my son and cry not to divorce so he can grow up to be a man in my house and not in another man’s house if she marries again. I am scared to get divorced. She is toying with me I know it; I know she does not love me even though she says she does. How does a wife leave a husband for this long not caring is he is alive, eating, sleeping I just don’t get it.
I am not upset about her because she treats me worse than an animal, like she said her father is FIRST then I come next...that hurt me alot. I am scared to lose my son, and she is already influencing badly (giving our son a Mohican haircut, toba toba). So I told her why did you do this, her reply is 'if you don’t like it go cut it again!)
I have now been separated for 17 months. I live alone sleep alone, eat alone, did Ramadan alone, cook alone, clean alone, Come home from work to empty house no warmth of a wife’s smile. No laughter of my child. It's so hard. Now she is back wanting a divorce, has stated she wants our home that she lived in for a total of 2 weeks! Has told me to move back into my parents if she 'wins' the home. I said to her I couldn't believe she would do this to me and it's like she has stabbed me in the back. Her reply was 'stab you? no darling I don't do things like that' I haev never heard her ever say darling and it is an insulting way to talk.
What shall I do brothers & sisters, is it time to man up and divorce? Should I be patient? Any thoughts or advise?
May Allah guide me.
