Problem with my wife

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She has major anger issues and takes them out on me, in my other post some of you mentioned getting her to see a psychologist and today I brought the topic up and she flipped. She said there is nothing wrong with her and that if she is angry or upset it's because I have done something to make her so. If I don't like it when she is upset then don't upset her... I tried to explain that she gets upset and angry over the slightest wrong thing I say and she was having none of it. I suggested that we both go, to see if we can both improve (letting her know that it's not just her) even though it is lol... but I thought if I told her I feel 50% responsible then it would be more fair in her eyes.

She told me if I bring up this subject again I will be sleeping on the sofa for the next week :nervous:

I asked her what it is I do that makes her angry and she said when I argue back with her, so I said am I not allowed to voice my opinion or disagree with you and she said no I am not allowed.... this is madness. :facepalm: 90% of the time she is like a kitten then 10% of the time she is like a lioness. What can I say or do to make her give me a fair chance? Honestly it's like I am a child who is answering to his mother! :raging:
 
Wa alaikumus salaam

This woman is very immature and got some serious psychological issues .... but pls have patience with her.

Let her do self exploratory courses etc and allow her to find herself . Make lots of dua for her too .... just hang in there and give her love and security.

Things may change for the better in future - insha Allâh
 
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If she is going to insist on being incorrigible and not have any respect or consideration for you and the marriage then you will have to think about exercising the option of divorce before it has a negative effect on your iman. Life is too short to deal with that nonsense. May Allah make things easy for you.
 
Assalaamu alaikum Jakob,


(mildly) There is perhaps nothing you can do that would induce her to see a therapist. But you are certainly free to consult with one yourself. The problem isn't just her. You need to find ways of dealing with her. And a good psychologist can help you see things more clearly and come up with strategies to deal with your present situation.


May Allah, the Merciful, Help us to see how we can grow closer to Him.
 
Khalid Saifullah said:
Wa alaikumus salaam

This woman is very immature and got some serious psychological issues .... but pls have patience with her.

Let her do self exploratory courses etc and allow her to find herself . Make lots of dua for her too .... just hang in there and give her love and security.

Things may change for the better in future - insha Allâh
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May Allah grant me patience, ameen.

I am making dua for her and I give my world to her... Perhaps I give her too much and she got accustomed and ungrateful. I just pray Inshallah that she goes back to being the way she was for the first year and a half. She says our marriage is perfect and there is nothing wrong and that she loves me with her whole heart etc but says the only thing that makes her this way is when I my her angry. It's a cycle, the only way I can keep her 100% happy is if I just accept what she tells me when she tells me.

If she says do this or that, I just say yes and go and do it. If she says go here or get that, I just say yes and go. It's not like I say no to much that she asks anyway. I am always willing to do whatever she wants but sometimes I simply can't because my personal life is also quite busy sometimes.


MuslimInshallah said:
Assalaamu alaikum Jakob,


(mildly) There is perhaps nothing you can do that would induce her to see a therapist. But you are certainly free to consult with one yourself. The problem isn't just her. You need to find ways of dealing with her. And a good psychologist can help you see things more clearly and come up with strategies to deal with your present situation.


May Allah, the Merciful, Help us to see how we can grow closer to Him.
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I am dealing with her the best that I can I honestly don't know what else I can do. Honestly sister the only thing I can do to take our marriage's happiness from 90% to 100% is to just do whatever she says. Like a mother tells her child, but this undermines me as a man and makes me feel weak. I am not weak, I do what she says to make her happy, not because I am scared or anything.

She is just extremely controlling, if things don't go her way she turns into the incredible hulk lol... I thought about taking away the credit cards I give her when she acts like that but I don't want to start trying to control her anger with money :hmm:

I don't think this issue is enough of a problem to leave her... it's not always like this. Just once or twice a month she acts like this. All other times she is sweet and calm and I love her to pieces. I don't think I could even leave her if I wanted.
 
Jakob said:
I am dealing with her the best that I can I honestly don't know what else I can do. Honestly sister the only thing I can do to take our marriage's happiness from 90% to 100% is to just do whatever she says. Like a mother tells her child, but this undermines me as a man and makes me feel weak. I am not weak, I do what she says to make her happy, not because I am scared or anything.

She is just extremely controlling, if things don't go her way she turns into the incredible hulk lol... I thought about taking away the credit cards I give her when she acts like that but I don't want to start trying to control her anger with money :hmm:

I don't think this issue is enough of a problem to leave her... it's not always like this. Just once or twice a month she acts like this. All other times she is sweet and calm and I love her to pieces. I don't think I could even leave her if I wanted.
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Then deal with it and stop complaining. Lets just call it what it is: you approach her with weakness. There is a saying: If you always do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.
 
Jakob said:
I don't think I could even leave her if I wanted.
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Assalaamu alaikum Jakob,


I think this is the crux of the problem. Everything you are writing is indicating to me that you have a problem that could be helped by a good therapist. That she also has a problem, is obvious. But you only have the power to change yourself.

As I recommended to you on another thread (if I recall correctly), this book can be an eye-opener: Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed.

(mildly) Until you start taking steps to change your own self, I do not think your situation is going to improve. Indeed, I think it is very likely to get worse.


May Allah, the Firm, Help us to see how we can take positive steps in our lives... and have the strength to take them.
 
Thanks for your advice. I guess I will just have to deal with it and hope Inshallah in the future that things change. She knows I won't walk away from her so she's just exploiting my own weakness that way, maybe I am just emotionally weak and love-locked. Maybe some new jewellery or a holiday will cheer her up :exhausted

Perhaps it's worth me going to speak with someone just to see if it helps me to understand her better.
 
Jakob said:
Thanks for your advice. I guess I will just have to deal with it and hope Inshallah in the future that things change. She knows I won't walk away from her so she's just exploiting my own weakness that way, maybe I am just emotionally weak and love-locked. Maybe some new jewellery or a holiday will cheer her up :exhausted

Perhaps it's worth me going to speak with someone just to see if it helps me to understand her better.
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What planet are you living on? She is walking all over you with no respect whatsoever and you're talking about buying her MORE stuff? Brother, you need to show her just what you bring to the table. Restrict the money a little, don't be her personal driver, put your foot down!

Don't get violent with her, if she hits you then just hold her lol, you said in your previous post you were twice her size so just hold her or force her to the ground so she cannot hit you or move, until she calms down.

The problem is you give into her so she knows if she just keeps on arguing you'll just back down and give into her. It may take some effort and you have to be stubborn. You've been married for not that long, imagine what it will be like in 5 years time. I was saying to a sister in a different post that significant others need to be treated the same and not forced to do anything... It's your house for crying out loud and she is kicking YOU out...! Cmon brother you need to throw her out for a night and let her know that this is your house and of course you both share it and live there but she simply HAS to respect you.

It's not often you hear about men getting knocked around... Good luck I have a feeling you're going to need it ;)
 
Do anything to make her understand if she goes on like that your marriage will end soon. Then she will either accept the therapy or you will get divorced. Your problem will end in both situations.
 
Kiro said:
bro did you try ruqya?
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No not yet, perhaps I'll try this but I'm not familiar with how to do it.


EgyptPrincess said:
What planet are you living on? She is walking all over you with no respect whatsoever and you're talking about buying her MORE stuff? Brother, you need to show her just what you bring to the table. Restrict the money a little, don't be her personal driver, put your foot down!

Don't get violent with her, if she hits you then just hold her lol, you said in your previous post you were twice her size so just hold her or force her to the ground so she cannot hit you or move, until she calms down.

The problem is you give into her so she knows if she just keeps on arguing you'll just back down and give into her. It may take some effort and you have to be stubborn. You've been married for not that long, imagine what it will be like in 5 years time. I was saying to a sister in a different post that significant others need to be treated the same and not forced to do anything... It's your house for crying out loud and she is kicking YOU out...! Cmon brother you need to throw her out for a night and let her know that this is your house and of course you both share it and live there but she simply HAS to respect you.

It's not often you hear about men getting knocked around... Good luck I have a feeling you're going to need it ;)
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Thanks for your advice. I'll try something like this and see if it works.
 
A husband is rude, abusive and bad tempered: the wife is told to have sabr and reminded what a good muslim wife does.

A wife is rude and bad tempered: the husband is told to find a more pious wife, she is told women don't act this way and her character slandered.

It is reported that a man came to 'Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radhiAllahu anhu) to complain about his wife's ill-temper. While he was waiting for 'Umar to come out of his house, he heard 'Umar's wife scolding him and 'Umar quietly listening to her, and not answering her back. The man turned around and started walking away, muttering to himself: "If that is the case with 'Umar, the leader of the believers, who is famous for his uprighteness and toughness, then what about poor me?!" At that moment, 'Umar came out of his house and saw the man walking away. He called him and said, "What is it you want of me, O man?" The man replied: "O leader of the believers, I came to complain to you about my wife's bad-temper and how she nags me. Then I heard your wife doing the same to you, so I turned around, muttering to myself, 'If that is the situation of the leader of the believers, then what about me?'" 'Umar replied, "O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, breast-feeds my child...and yet none of these are her duty; and then she is a comfort to my heart and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Consequently, I bear with her." The man said, "It is the same with me, O leader of the believers." 'Umar said: "Then, O my brother, be patient with her, indeed this life is short. (Adh-Dhahabi, Al-Kabâ'ir 194)
 
being_forced said:
A husband is rude, abusive and bad tempered: the wife is told to have sabr and reminded what a good muslim wife does.

A wife is rude and bad tempered: the husband is told to find a more pious wife, she is told women don't act this way and her character slandered.

It is reported that a man came to 'Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radhiAllahu anhu) to complain about his wife's ill-temper. While he was waiting for 'Umar to come out of his house, he heard 'Umar's wife scolding him and 'Umar quietly listening to her, and not answering her back. The man turned around and started walking away, muttering to himself: "If that is the case with 'Umar, the leader of the believers, who is famous for his uprighteness and toughness, then what about poor me?!" At that moment, 'Umar came out of his house and saw the man walking away. He called him and said, "What is it you want of me, O man?" The man replied: "O leader of the believers, I came to complain to you about my wife's bad-temper and how she nags me. Then I heard your wife doing the same to you, so I turned around, muttering to myself, 'If that is the situation of the leader of the believers, then what about me?'" 'Umar replied, "O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, breast-feeds my child...and yet none of these are her duty; and then she is a comfort to my heart and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Consequently, I bear with her." The man said, "It is the same with me, O leader of the believers." 'Umar said: "Then, O my brother, be patient with her, indeed this life is short. (Adh-Dhahabi, Al-Kabâ'ir 194)
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Go read his other thread and then say he needs to have patience. He is patient with her, far too patient in fact. I would not advise him to leave her or anything because clearly he loves her and problems can be worked out Inshallah. She is essentially abusing him and he is wanting to reward her by buying her more things ^o)

It's the classic abusive controlling husband story but just in reverse. She controls him and hits him and demands from him everything and he does so because he loves her and he won't leave her because he loves her and is too scared to leave. If she acts like a child then treat her like one, make her take a taxi or get the bus, restrict the credit cards you give her, stand your ground and don't let her walk all over you.
 
Jakob said:
No not yet, perhaps I'll try this but I'm not familiar with how to do it..
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you recite Qu'ran, make dua for protection and do adhaan

does she pray 5 times a day? exactly 5 times a day
 
EgyptPrincess said:
Go read his other thread and then say he needs to have patience. He is patient with her, far too patient in fact. I would not advise him to leave her or anything because clearly he loves her and problems can be worked out Inshallah. She is essentially abusing him and he is wanting to reward her by buying her more things ^o)

It's the classic abusive controlling husband story but just in reverse. She controls him and hits him and demands from him everything and he does so because he loves her and he won't leave her because he loves her and is too scared to leave. If she acts like a child then treat her like one, make her take a taxi or get the bus, restrict the credit cards you give her, stand your ground and don't let her walk all over you.
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I apologise. I had no idea about his previous thread.
 
You both need to see a marriage counselor and yes she needs to also so as to find the underlying problem. if the problem is harmonal then maybe have a talk with her doctor and see if some harmonal therapy can be prescribed. If the problem comes up at irregular times, then you need to find the cause and going to a marriage counselor is a good idea. because there may be some issues, jealousy or low self esteem or some other that would need to be addressed. a lot of times the problem is subconscious so the person isn't aware of it themselves. it's possible your wife thinks you don't pay attention to her so you might want to remedy that by gift buying or taking her out to dinner or something.
 
Jakob said:
She told me if I bring up this subject again I will be sleeping on the sofa for the next week :nervous:
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You obiviously let her to control you too much (as some others have wrote). If she will try to force you to move to sofa, tell her that sofa sounds a good idea - but to her.

;)
 
Yeah I'll do that next time sister herb.

This is not a make or break relationship problem, but obviously it is a problem and it would be nice for our marriage to get to the bottom of it.

Muhaba I do buy her gifts and take her out and spend time with her. She is getting ready right now to go out with me for a meal. We go out all the time. The amount of money I spend on her is crazy.

As EgyptPrincess said I should probably cut down on the splashing out as I am basically rewarding her for her bad tempers lol. She made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want or need counselling so not much I can do about that. I will try what Kiro said and do ruqya. I will be honest and say we don't pray 5 times a day, on the weekends we do but on the weekdays we just don't have time. I know this is not an excuse and I am trying my best to perhaps pray at work but my place of work is not ideal for this.

Bottom line is I think she is angered easily and feels like I am beneath her, perhaps because of my age or because I am a revert and she is not. I can learn to live with it alhamdulillah I'll be patient with her.
 
Maybe you can go to the marriage adviser alone. Some people do so and then, maybe, their spouse will come too later. But it would to be some start to you to solve these your problems. If nothing else, you would get some opinions from the outside and specially, from the person who is expert with kind of situations. We here might not be experts, just can give you our advices and opinions.
 

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