Afif Rusli
Active member
- Messages
- 39
- Reaction score
- 2
- Gender
- Male
- Religion
- Islam
Assalamuailikum waramatullahi wabarakatuh,
I live in Singapore, where everything is very competitive, i have no job and i cant handle jobs, always clueless, weak and no idea of my duties during work, i do not know how to handle a simple task, i am a slow to catch things even in socialising, everyone is miserly and they have this mindset, to each his own, basically everyone is not a friend when comes to work, as they say in my country, "save your ricebowl", so whenever i try to get a work i only survive for 3 months due to people hating me, i feel useless, cant help myself, right now im depressed , if i start studying again , i will feel like not a muslim anymore due to studying WORLDLY matters than the knowledge of islam, meaning i have prioritize this world over my religion, i have parents who still feed me and im still 21 years old, am thankful to Allah SWT who provided me shelter and food , people has it worse than me, but i cant grow myself out of this, and feel guilty for not studying and trying to secure a job, and im afraid if my parents got old i have failed to provide for them for they have provided for me till now if i do not have any JOB or CERTIFICATION.
i have trust in Allah SWT , but i cant repay back my parents even if i try to, i feel like im restrained in seeking bounty of allah ,before i embrace islam, i always had some social problems when i was young, always saying inappropriate things in a unappropriated manner, and keep embarrassing myself, so i isolated myself due to the bad incidents , i have isolated for YEARS most of time at home like for nearly 7 years playing online games and telling myself its ok to keep doing this, i can type my thoughts online but in real life, my thoughts just disappear, i realize that i have brought forth my own destruction, i have lost my social abilities, i cant recover due to my weak mindset. Right now i'm afraid of abandoning my salat and praying on time and choosing work and studies, my parents say you can just make it up after you finish work, they have this believe that Work is Worship(IBadah). But i think you need to pray on time regardless if you are working or not, basically this country doesnt allow people pray during work, if they do allow, they are not sincere about it, im afraid i have failed in returning back to my parents cause they are sacrificing their self over religion to keep this family fed. and also my ties of kinship with my cousin is not that good as well, i avoid them as much as i feel humiliated , as they are quite wealthy people, i avoid doing mischief and isolate myself from making my cousins feel negativity.
I always want to believe Allah SWT is planning good for people who sacrifice themselves for islam. But sometimes i feel like i took islam seriously but i feel like i have ignored a duty towards my parents and also cousins. but i keep thinking i have no way out of this, Its a choice of worldly life over my religion.. i have no sense of responsibility , maybe its a test of allah swt. All i can think of is asking Allah SWT forgiveness . EVERYTIME i pray due to matters that i neglect. Sometimes i get super restless inside my chest, tighten feeling. I feel suffocated. anxiety like i have not done something right. i keep turning to Allah SWT for forgiveness but it feels like im harbouring more pain. i can be patient, but some days are good and some days are bad. im afraid of my fate.
I live in Singapore, where everything is very competitive, i have no job and i cant handle jobs, always clueless, weak and no idea of my duties during work, i do not know how to handle a simple task, i am a slow to catch things even in socialising, everyone is miserly and they have this mindset, to each his own, basically everyone is not a friend when comes to work, as they say in my country, "save your ricebowl", so whenever i try to get a work i only survive for 3 months due to people hating me, i feel useless, cant help myself, right now im depressed , if i start studying again , i will feel like not a muslim anymore due to studying WORLDLY matters than the knowledge of islam, meaning i have prioritize this world over my religion, i have parents who still feed me and im still 21 years old, am thankful to Allah SWT who provided me shelter and food , people has it worse than me, but i cant grow myself out of this, and feel guilty for not studying and trying to secure a job, and im afraid if my parents got old i have failed to provide for them for they have provided for me till now if i do not have any JOB or CERTIFICATION.
i have trust in Allah SWT , but i cant repay back my parents even if i try to, i feel like im restrained in seeking bounty of allah ,before i embrace islam, i always had some social problems when i was young, always saying inappropriate things in a unappropriated manner, and keep embarrassing myself, so i isolated myself due to the bad incidents , i have isolated for YEARS most of time at home like for nearly 7 years playing online games and telling myself its ok to keep doing this, i can type my thoughts online but in real life, my thoughts just disappear, i realize that i have brought forth my own destruction, i have lost my social abilities, i cant recover due to my weak mindset. Right now i'm afraid of abandoning my salat and praying on time and choosing work and studies, my parents say you can just make it up after you finish work, they have this believe that Work is Worship(IBadah). But i think you need to pray on time regardless if you are working or not, basically this country doesnt allow people pray during work, if they do allow, they are not sincere about it, im afraid i have failed in returning back to my parents cause they are sacrificing their self over religion to keep this family fed. and also my ties of kinship with my cousin is not that good as well, i avoid them as much as i feel humiliated , as they are quite wealthy people, i avoid doing mischief and isolate myself from making my cousins feel negativity.
I always want to believe Allah SWT is planning good for people who sacrifice themselves for islam. But sometimes i feel like i took islam seriously but i feel like i have ignored a duty towards my parents and also cousins. but i keep thinking i have no way out of this, Its a choice of worldly life over my religion.. i have no sense of responsibility , maybe its a test of allah swt. All i can think of is asking Allah SWT forgiveness . EVERYTIME i pray due to matters that i neglect. Sometimes i get super restless inside my chest, tighten feeling. I feel suffocated. anxiety like i have not done something right. i keep turning to Allah SWT for forgiveness but it feels like im harbouring more pain. i can be patient, but some days are good and some days are bad. im afraid of my fate.
