I'm sorry

['abd al-hakeem]

salaamu aleykum;

I'm sorry;

- for all the wrong things I've said
- for all the things that I thought I knew
- for all the negativity that I've caused/created
- for the all the wrongs I've committed against myself and others

I wish I could take them back and start over - but I doubt this is possible, though I could be wrong in this too.

My faith has taken quite a bashing. Between doubts and being unable to focus on the Qur'an, during salaah, dhikr, or even pondering the beauties of Islam - I don't know what to do anymore. I struggle to translate in my head, and I struggle to focus on the translations, which means I'm missing out.

The answers are there, and yet something works against me. I don't know what it is. Maybe Shaythan, maybe sihr, maybe evil eye, maybe its me, God only knows.

The tears I've cried, in this struggle, are really painful.
In lieu of not knowing what I can do, given the struggles I face, and not knowing for certain what the cause is, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thank you to members, guests and the admin team. I know I need help, but this pit in my mind has deepened.

Please forgive me if I have said anything to upset you.

I hope for chance at redemption, but even this is uncertain. I fear the wrath of the Almighty.

Where did I go wrong?

 

[greenhill]

I am troubled to read this message. It shows a very clear mind. It shows a truly alert status. What you say are well considered thoughts and tbe underlying theme is rather dark...

Only remember this, the world is not ours. It is the hereafter that we chase. Allah decides when you will meet him. Don't make that decision.

All I can say is that if you can't find the reason then go for internal jihad of cleansing self.. more giving, perhaps.. more patient, perhaps.. and carry on believing. To give up is not tne answer, and deep down you know it too.

Bear it with patience and carry on believing because perhaps Allah is blotting out chunks of sins ...


eace:

 

['abd al-hakeem]

I am troubled to read this message. It shows a very clear mind. It shows a truly alert status. What you say are well considered thoughts and tbe underlying theme is rather dark... Only remember this, the world is not ours. It is the hereafter that we chase. Allah decides when you will meet him. Don't make that decision. All I can say is that if you can't find the reason then go for internal jihad of cleansing self.. more giving, perhaps.. more patient, perhaps.. and carry on believing. To give up is not tne answer, and deep down you know it too. Bear it with patience and carry on believing because perhaps Allah is blotting out chunks of sins ...
eace:

The truth is it took me more than one attempt to write this. I contemplated over what was written. it took me longer than you think to write that message, and, indeed, this one. Many edits.

The point was to reach out to attempt to rectify possible wrongs that I committed during my tenure at IB. This being said, yes, when focussed (which is hard), my mind is quite sharp. My struggle is when I am alone, on my own, or face to face with people. Sitting behind a keyboard yields many opportunities to construct my thoughts with some lucidity. In person, I am not necessarily always so lucid.

Suffice to say that I have no intention of prematurely meeting my Creator.

 

['abd al-hakeem]

Bear it with patience and carry on believing because perhaps Allah is blotting out chunks of sins ...


eace:

I certainly hope this is the case. Allahumma ameen.