Gems I will be his second wife

[Scimitar]

The Qur'an mentions marrying 2, 3 or 4 - IF - you can be fair and just between them

How is getting married in secret being fair and just?

You did the right thing joining the forum. Smart move.

Learn from here, what it is that he is asking you to do in relation to real Islam, and not his version of it, which as far as I can see, is very questionable.

Scimi

 

[M.I.A.]

jim jefferies.. the Australian comedian.. says,

when Australia legalised prostitution the divorce rate dropped by 8%..

i would think if they allowed polygamy, devorce rates would drop by at least twice as much.

...and by they... i mean first wives.

*runs away*

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you SemiraE;

His wife is extremely jealous to the point she will kill herself without thinking about her kids if she would find out about me.

Do you want to be responsible for this woman's death? Women are incredibly intuitive, and something will lead her to think that her husband is cheating.

And since this marriage won't be a serious one...I don't think it's a good idea to tell her.

Ok, so you don't want to be responsible for this woman's death, so don't cheat with her husband. This goes against both Islam and Christianity, and it even goes against the law of the land, it is called adultery.

I am a Christian, and I have not read anything from my Muslim brothers and sisters, that could justify what you are trying to do.

Trust in God, the right single man is out there.

May you be a blessing to those you love and care for.

Eric

 

[sister herb]

Helpful discussion: https://www.islamicboard.com/family-society/134344508-tell-woman-cheated.html#post2949751

 

[Finding MEMO]

as i know he is not obligated to inform his wife about it. He's gonna marry me in islam not on paper at the city hall.... So i don't see your point here....

edited

 

[Finding MEMO]

Firstly great initiative on your part by seeking knowledge. Clearly you sound like a woman who would like to decipher the facts about Islam.

So I will try my best to explain:
In Islam you need to DECLARE your marriage.
This man does NOT need his wife's permission BUT he needs to INFORM her of his intentions to take a second wife.
How else is it possible to treat you both equally? Where is the logic in that?

How would you like to be in a relationship with a man and be deceived? In any religion?

It's the wife's ISLAMIC & human right to stay in that marriage or leave.

Imagine if that was you?

We are ALL answerable to Allah Swt especially for any pain we cause others.

Please don't accept one part of Islam and then confuse other unethical behaviour as ISLAM because it suits you.

Subhan'Allah Islam is JUST people are NOT.

This man should inform his first wife IF he is serious about you.
Otherwise sadly - he will do the exact same thing to you one day.

His moral compass simply speaks volumes about his character.

You deserve only the best please don't settle for anything less.

 

[SemiraE]

Thank you to all for your advice!

I am not a bad person neither I want to be one. Knowledge is power and as I said it's not like I want this I was just asking for opinions ergo advice.

I will still talk with an Imam to get a opinion from a specialist if I can call it like that.

And god forgive me if I did something wrong again or if I bothered someone with my seeking.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

Thank you to all for your advice!

I am not a bad person neither I want to be one. Knowledge is power and as I said it's not like I want this I was just asking for opinions ergo advice.

I will still talk with an Imam to get a opinion from a specialist if I can call it like that.

And god forgive me if I did something wrong again or if I bothered someone with my seeking.

You didn't bother anyone and nobody is judging you. It is good that you did ask. Please keep in mind that the imam will only know whatever he is told. If you or him MAKE it sound like you relationship is halal (permissible), which it is not, then he will go based on that. He will also be a human who will have his own bias, I've seen imams encourage marriage between young adults who have a relationship behind their parents back...it is outrageous.

Look, at the end of the day, It's very simple to just look in the mirror and reflect without trying to justify any of it. You know if it is wrong or right. If you are conflicted about it, then it shows what your natural inclination is.

 

[SemiraE]

You didn't bother anyone and nobody is judging you. It is good that you did ask. Please keep in mind that the imam will only know whatever he is told. If you or him MAKE it sound like you relationship is halal (permissible), which it is not, then he will go based on that. He will also be a human who will have his own bias, I've seen imams encourage marriage between young adults who have a relationship behind their parents back...it is outrageous.

Look, at the end of the day, It's very simple to just look in the mirror and reflect without trying to justify any of it. You know if it is wrong or right. If you are conflicted about it, then it shows what your natural inclination is.

I will be the only one talking with the imam, so all he will know will be my own mind. He advised me to talk with the imam actually and he did not tell me which one. I am actually travelling a few hundred km to see an imam from another city that I know for sure he doesn't know the man in question so I can really get an outside opinion. I do know it's wrong what I did until now even...and I am very sorry about it...but sometimes...the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't really control it. BUT that doesn't mean you have to walk on corpses for it...

 

[Finding MEMO]

I will be the only one talking with the imam, so all he will know will be my own mind. He advised me to talk with the imam actually and he did not tell me which one. I am actually travelling a few hundred km to see an imam from another city that I know for sure he doesn't know the man in question so I can really get an outside opinion. I do know it's wrong what I did until now even...and I am very sorry about it...but sometimes...the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't really control it. BUT that doesn't mean you have to walk on corpses for it...

Sister It's great Subhan'Allah that you have your own mind.

'The heart wants what the heart wants' we are all human. This strong emotion governs us but when the honeymoon period is over...

You will see clearer but sadly the damage will be done. If this guy truly wants to do right by you then he needs to give you both EQUAL rights.

No one is judging you for asking the correct moral questions but it's sadly apparent this guy is trying find a loophole to abuse your trust.

You wouldn't wish that for anyone and like I said before you shouldn't settle for less.

Islam empowers you if you have the correct knowledge & intentions.

 

[SemiraE]

Sister It's great Subhan'Allah that you have your own mind.

'The heart wants what the heart wants' we are all human. This strong emotion governs us but when the honeymoon period is over...

You will see clearer but sadly the damage will be done. If this guy truly wants to do right by you then he needs to give you both EQUAL rights.

No one is judging you for asking the correct moral questions but it's sadly apparent this guy is trying find a loophole to abuse your trust.

You wouldn't wish that for anyone and like I said before you shouldn't settle for less.

Islam empowers you if you have the correct knowledge & intentions.

I am not much about equal rights with his wife. I do not seek financial support or anything like that. I seek equality with him actually.
I am european and I've been raised and thought to be extremely independent and have my own money and free will. I do not know obedience and I will not be a pet but a equal partner for someone.

Maybe you can't understand because you have no knowledge about this and you have another way of living... but yes this seems like settling for less and I am very much aware of it!

 

[Finding MEMO]

Just to clarify - I have been raised both to be extremely independent and have my own money. You don't have to be European to own that thinking.

I never doubted your intentions in fact as another woman I was rooting for moral equality.
Islam, Christianity and any other religion encourages you to be a good human first.

Go with the simplicity of that, the question of being a second wife is fine providing the man in question follows Islam!

 

[Finding MEMO]

QUOTE:
'Maybe you can't understand because you have no knowledge about this and you have another way of living... but yes this seems like settling for less and I am very much aware of it!'

[emoji5] I have no words except that I'm trying not to laugh.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of my life except that self respect is priceless.
Sister you are being manipulated.

You say you don't want to be a pet?
Your acting like a ignorant lamb waiting to be slaughtered.

Islam protects human rights please don't let humans distort it.

 

[sister herb]

Note that some of us whose have answered to this thread are also Europeans, included I for example. We know very well European lifestyle and it´s values when it goes to marriage things.

 

[SemiraE]

Do not take as a personal attack what I said, this is strictly about me and my opinion. I didn't say my way of living is better or yours is trash!

Maybe pet was a inappropriate word but it goes with obedience...

I get your advices and I am taking them in consideration giving the fact that you're honestly maybe the only ones I can talk to right now.

So if I said something to offend you I am very sorry.

 

[Finding MEMO]

No offence taken, only intelligent people seek knowledge.

The knowledge they receive may not be easy to digest but don't let your heart rule your head.

Protect yourself.

There is a beautiful Hadith in Islam:
One day Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) noticed a Bedouin leaving his camel without tying it and he asked the Bedouin, “Why don’t you tie down your camel?” The Bedouin answered, “I put my trust in Allah.” The Prophet then said, “Tie your camel first, then put your trust in Allah” (At-Tirmidhi).

Sometimes we can very easily forget that we have to do our bit in our endeavours as well; effort and struggle is required from us if we truly want to achieve or attain something…….. (A reminder for myself first and foremost)

 

[noraina]

Do not take as a personal attack what I said, this is strictly about me and my opinion. I didn't say my way of living is better or yours is trash!

Maybe pet was a inappropriate word but it goes with obedience...

I get your advices and I am taking them in consideration giving the fact that you're honestly maybe the only ones I can talk to right now.

So if I said something to offend you I am very sorry.

None of us are offended, and I am so glad you came to this forum for advice. In'sha'Allah we were able to help.

It's good to keep in mind that you came here as you weren't sure if what you were doing was the right thing. And, as long as we don't stifle it's voice, our conscience is a very powerful 'indicator' telling us what is right or wrong, a kind of innate moral compass. So if what you are doing doesn't sit quite well with your heart, or you find yourself repeatedly questioning yourself, then that's the answer within itself .

And whatever one's ethnicity, European or not, justice is a concept which echoes across all cultures and religions. And that man was doing a grave injustice towards you, as you are worth so much more, as I've said.

 

[tuba]

Assalamoalaikum sister, welcome to the forum.

Going straight to your point, let me tell you, in islam, if a man has more than one wife, he is to treat each one of them EQUALLY. And equally doesn't just mean just giving equal time, equal money , etc etc .. Equally also means that in your heart, you must have equal amount of love for both wives. Lets just be true to ourselves and true to Allah swt. Is it possible?

We are not perfect like our prophets. We are full of mistakes. It is just not possible to love two wives equally. Allah told men to have more than one wife , He also knows that they cannot treat them equally.

Also , it is forbidden in islam to marry a non muslim. So just remember if you go forward to marryng him as a Christian and that too , become a wife in secret, just have the possibility of him leaving in future for the same reasons he agreed to before. Let me tell you, you might think he is not like other guys , he won't cheat and blah blah blah.. ( i have been there too )

And since four marriages are allowed, and he wants to marry you without telling his first wife, also have the possibility of him marrying someone else tomorrow, without telling you. Its plain cheating. Men tend to use the rights allah swt has granted them , only to suite their needs. They refuse to follow others sunnah.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

I am not much about equal rights with his wife. I do not seek financial support or anything like that. I seek equality with him actually.
I am european and I've been raised and thought to be extremely independent and have my own money and free will. I do not know obedience and I will not be a pet but a equal partner for someone.

Maybe you can't understand because you have no knowledge about this and you have another way of living... but yes this seems like settling for less and I am very much aware of it!

That's exactly why he is so interested in you. Because your are self sufficient and don't need anything from him. In Islam, men are given the responsibility to maintain their household and that is why marrying is such a big deal. A man cannot mary or have the pleasure of a woman's company if he can't provide for her, and there is MUCH wisdom behind that. What man wouldn't want a woman who fends for herself? He can take her and leave her when he wants! You will most definitely won't be getting any sort of equality from him. I am an independent business woman by the way, and my husband still has to provide for the household. That is true equity because women have been given other responsibilities by God which come before making money

 

[SemiraE]

That's exactly why he is so interested in you. Because your are self sufficient and don't need anything from him. In Islam, men are given the responsibility to maintain their household and that is why marrying is such a big deal. A man cannot mary or have the pleasure of a woman's company if he can't provide for her, and there is MUCH wisdom behind that. What man wouldn't want a woman who fends for herself? He can take her and leave her when he wants! You will most definitely won't be getting any sort of equality from him. I am an independent business woman by the way, and my husband still has to provide for the household. That is true equity because women have been given other responsibilities by God which come before making money

Now I get it! very enlightening answer... THANK YOU!