Which do men prefer: beauty or virginity

[anonymous]

Salam

I've got a question I need an answer to, but I'm too shy to ask the men in my life so I thought its best I ask here in this anonymous section.

Which characteristic is more important to men: beauty or virginity?

If a man had the choice to choose one of two women, assuming their both identical in terms of Deen and character, and one is a virgin with average looks and the other is a non virgin who's chaste, so she's either divorced or widowed but looks extremely beautiful, like a supermodel/Miss Universe.

Which one would men most likely to consider. I hope this question isn't inappropriate, but for various reasons I'd like to know which characteristic, either virginity or beauty is more important. I feel by asking this question I would have some of my worries alleviated, which I don't want to go into too much details about.

Jazaka Allahu Khairan

 

[Serinity]

Lets see.

Sister A:

Deen: Good
Character: Good
Beauty: Average
Virginity: Virgin.

Sister B:

Deen: Good.
Character: Good.
Beauty: Miss Universe.
Virginity: No.

Since Deen and Character are both good, we will look at beauty and virginity.

Sister A:

Beauty: Average
Virginity: Virgin.

Sister B:

Beauty: Miss Universe.
Virginity: No.
Either Widow or divorce.

Tbh, as long as they are both chaste, and on Deen, and moral, etc. Virginity is a non-issue.

But lets see:

If we take A:

she is average, and a virgin. So one reason for taking sister A, could be that she is a virgin.

If virginity has value (can differ depending on whether it was out marriage or not - but if repented none has a right to shame her for that). If we look at virginity:

A: she is a virgin. IF that has value --> a plus over B. (although that is if one cares about virg)
B: Not an issue. Thus, not a point.

If we take B:

Beauty:

Reason for accepting: she is very beautiful.

Pros:
Easy to lower gaze.


Cons for B (subjective)

Could be a fitna for you. she may be soo beautiful, she may distract you from prayer, and your obligations. Easy to lower your gaze, but may be a huge distraction.

a distraction in doing your Fardh salaahs and Islamic obligations (Sister is too beautiful, it is a negative)

If one can control themselves, then this "con" is a non-issue.

Virginity:
she is a non-virgin.

IF one cares
then a minus (Anti Islamic / Very UnIslamic)

else
a mute point

______________________

Conclusion:

Virginity is a non issue, since she is chaste, and not immoral, and because this "virginity" concept is based on cultural ignorance (The Prophet :saws: married Khadijah r.a. who was not a virgin, afaik.)

So to shun chaste women for not being a "virgin" (which is disgusting) then he is a Jahil (ignorant).

Virginity is a non issue, therefore we have between "Average" and "Miss Universe". Physical beauty will fade over time, so compatibility should be considered.

Shunning a woman for not being virgin although she is chaste, is ignorance. afaik.

So with that:

Average

Pros:

Helps lowering your gaze.

cons:

Will fade over time (thus should not be a DECIDING factor - if that is the only reason one marries - and expects for that to last)

Miss Universe (look at the pros and cons tab)

Allahu alam.

 

[Scimitar]

beauty or virginity?

Beauty fades, after thirty its downhill for women. Men who are charmed by beauty, may eventually take a mistress because their wife is no longer "beautiful" after giving birth, and as she ages he may look elsewhere - not a good option.

Virginity, shows a chaste woman who is saving herself for her husband - and fears upsetting Allah, someone like this will make a good wife.

Scimi

 

[Simple_Person]

@Serinity jazakallahu khairan, you did already much of the typing, so i do not have to add a lot of them.

What i do have to add to it..is sort of a short conclusion.

I would go for the "extreme beautiful" one. Why? Not because of the beauty, i don't care about that as beatufy fades away. Rather, she has something that the virgin one does not have.

So what is this?

A taste of life that is. Certain knowledge and life experience. She doesn't dream of this or expects something beyond..her wildest dreams. She had the "slap of life across her face to wake her up definitively", making her a realist and rationalist of what can be achieved and what is nonsense. Many virgin girls, they don't know how it is to be married. Rather they follow a imagination of a prince on a white horse. These sisters are so virgin in their mentality, that they MIGHT still be hit by the train called "life" and you as a brother not knowing what will become of her.

A virgin is still open for "volatile" behavior if she hasn't experienced much in life.

So all in all, without a doubt the non-virgin one.

If i would not have to play according to your game, i would rather have another kind of rules. Virgin + average vs non-virgin + average ...my outcome still non-virgin + average. Beauty will come after you fall in love with her character despite she being average.

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

Maybe you are asking this question due to preconceived notions about marriage and attraction. What would alleviate your worries is putting things into perspective and understanding that what a person initially prefers and the spouse he decides to choose in the end - are all in the hands of Allaah. Every man and woman is different and that the decision to marry a particular person depends on many variables - not just virginity and beauty - not just deen and character - Rather it is to do with overall compatibility. What we women perceive as beautiful may not always be what a man perceives as beautiful. Infact, often it is just the opposite. Each mans situation, circumstances, and preferences are different. There is no same answer with regards to what you are asking. May Allah alleviate your worries. Aameen

 

[Scimitar]

@Serinity jazakallahu khairan, you did already much of the typing, so i do not have to add a lot of them.

What i do have to add to it..is sort of a short conclusion.

I would go for the "extreme beautiful" one. Why? Not because of the beauty, i don't care about that as beatufy fades away. Rather, she has something that the virgin one does not have.

So what is this?

A taste of life that is. Certain knowledge and life experience. She doesn't dream of this or expects something beyond..her wildest dreams. She had the "slap of life across her face to wake her up definitively", making her a realist and rationalist of what can be achieved and what is nonsense. Many virgin girls, they don't know how it is to be married. Rather they follow a imagination of a prince on a white horse. These sisters are so virgin in their mentality, that they MIGHT still be hit by the train called "life" and you as a brother not knowing what will become of her.

A virgin is still open for "volatile" behavior if she hasn't experienced much in life.

So all in all, without a doubt the non-virgin one.

If i would not have to play according to your game, i would rather have another kind of rules. Virgin + average vs non-virgin + average ...my outcome still non-virgin + average. Beauty will come after you fall in love with her character despite she being average.

Boy you in for a world of hurt have faith

Scimi

 

[Simple_Person]

Boy you in for a world of hurt have faith

Scimi

Brother, for bigger part i am more of a realist. Think with me.

Analyzing this post of the OP, says "Deen = OKE!!". Which can only be that there is A BIG chance that her previous husband was at fault why she left him. After the divorce, we still looking at the conclusion that has come out of the analyzing OP post. we see that this non-virgin woman still is fully aware that she should not do injustice because of her taqwa. Which is like saying

"life experience"=1
"Curiosity about others"=0
"She follows justice"=1
"What others care of her"=0
"Experience with relationship"=1

So you as her new husband will have rather easy so to say. If her previous husband was bad, the chance that you will do bad, is very slim. As we human beings tend to compare things we have seen or experience. You would NEVER ...and i mean NEVER know if spaghetti is more delicious than rice if you have never eaten spaghetti. If you treat her right, you give her her rights she will respect you even more and be MORE grateful to Allah(swt) that Allah(swt) has given something better instead of her previous husband. She might even teach you one or two new things .

So what is it for you as a brother who want to marry such a woman? WORK ON YOURSELF. LEARN from the mistakes of those "idiots" who treat their wives like rubbish. It is free advice from them. My mother said that my grandpa always said "get aqil (wisdom/intellect i am not sure how to translate this) from people who are beaqil (people without wisdom/intellect etc..).

 

[ardianto]

If a man had the choice to choose one of two women, assuming their both identical in terms of Deen and character, and one is a virgin with average looks and the other is a non virgin who's chaste, so she's either divorced or widowed but looks extremely beautiful, like a supermodel/Miss Universe.

Assalamualaikum sister.

One thing about men that you haven't know is, young unmarried men usually are under pressure to get married only with young unmarried woman.

So, if young unmarried men must choose one of these two women, although in the heart they prefer the beautiful widow/divorcee, mostly of them would choose the unmarried woman, except few men who dare to fight this pressure.

Different than widower/divorced. These men are not under pressure. So they would not hesitate to marry widow/divorcee. Even widower/divorced who are over age 40 usually prefer to marry a widow/divorcee, due to this woman experience in married life.

 

[Serinity]

It is true, some may choose the virgin, although they want the non virgin because of pressure from family.

Secondly, I mentioned this, but since my post is too long:

Compatibility - one of the most important things.

Being very beautiful also has its own trials. tbh, I'd choose the one I feel most compatible with.

 

[Simple_Person]

It is true, some may choose the virgin, although they want the non virgin because of pressure from family.

Secondly, I mentioned this, but since my post is too long:

Compatibility - one of the most important things.

Being very beautiful also has its own trials. tbh, I'd choose the one I feel most compatible with.

Being beautiful and having taqwa, means, the person who has gained taqwa, has pondered about their beauty and chosen taqwa instead. You give a woman what she needs, not what she wants. When you give her just that, she will not find other men attractive even though they might by worldly view be more handsome than you. Reaching her heart and satisfying her heart is the key. We often make something seem very difficult while it is rather is simple.

 

[Serinity]

Being beautiful and having taqwa, means, the person who has gained taqwa, has pondered about their beauty and chosen taqwa instead. You give a woman what she needs, not what she wants. When you give her just that, she will not find other men attractive even though they might by worldly view be more handsome than you. Reaching her heart and satisfying her heart is the key. We often make something seem very difficult while it is rather is simple.

True, it does require pondering. Because Allah :swt: granted them this beauty. And to attribute this blessing to one self, is arrogance.

So in a way, pious beautiful sisters that has taqwa, has most likely recognized this blessing, and has not become arrogant by it.

What do you mean by "give her what she needs, not what she wants"?

Allahu alam.

 

[whosebob]

The one I feel most comfortable with inshallah.

 

[ardianto]

You give a woman what she needs, not what she wants.

The good husband is the husband who give his wife not only what she need, but also what she want, in accordance of his affordability. If you were really poor is okay if you just give your wife what she need. But if you had money to buy the handbag that your wife want, then do not refuse her request with reason "you don't need handbag!".

 

[Simple_Person]

True, it does require pondering. Because Allah :swt: granted them this beauty. And to attribute this blessing to one self, is arrogance.

So in a way, pious beautiful sisters that has taqwa, has most likely recognized this blessing, and has not become arrogant by it.

What do you mean by "give her what she needs, not what she wants"?

Allahu alam.

Well Allah(swt) gives us what we need, not what we want. I don't think i have more to explain this..further.

In case of a sister you marry is just generally. By giving her what she needs, instead of what she wants, you make her more meaningful and a person who contains depth in their character. If you give her what she wants is making her shallow. This might even give you more confusion, but this had to be told before explain it further. The best to picture this is a gold digger wife VS a devoted wife.

A gold digger wife gets what she wants, but in return she is a shallow person intellectually and emotionally. She is quickly bored when she got what she wanted. So pursuing further in the realm of searching for the thing to want in the assumption of that is what she is searching for and in "need". Often going beyond the borders of being faithful to her husband and making you as husband more unsure what is going to happen. She cheating on you..etc. etc.

A devoted wife gets what she needs. When she gets what she needs she will not ask for what she wants, because this is secretly without her knowing it..THE THING she wanted, but asked for something else THINKING that might have been the thing she needed it. So we human beings by general we always pursue what we want in the assuming that THAT is what we need. While often in the end realizing by getting what we wanted it turned out to be not what we needed.
Your wife might say she wants something, but you do not listen to what she says, you listen to what eases her heart.

I know it is a bit hard to understand, read a few more times to understand it, if you haven't understood yet.

The question after this is, how can you know what your wife needs? This can be gained by gaining strong observation skills. Analyzing little details. Human psychology is a MUST in this. Being able to LISTEN is a MUST in this. Keeping her in your mind with every decision you make just like when for example you get out of house checking your keys if they are with you.. you also having this sort of mentality regarding your wife is a MUST. More things might be part of this off course.

When you do these things, even bringing her a flower on a normal day is more of a value than giving her a car. This i have seen with poor people for example. Your presence at their house they tend to respect you more than buying them a expensive gift. Romantic feelings can be repeated unexpectedly and result to more love, while giving materialistic gifts tend to fade away quicker. Think with me, when you got a present when you were a little kid, you forget sometimes the person very fast that has given you that awesome give. You directly went and played with your toy and giving all the attention to that toy instead. While a simple flower can make the wife special and directing her focus on you. Or even giving her a compliment as ma'sha'Allah how lucky i am that Allah(swt) has given a ugly person like me such a beautiful wife. This special feeling that you ignite in the heart of your wife will make her maybe giggle and shy and feeling the luckiest girl a life to even hear that.

Listen to what she is saying. DON'T TALK or reply to her.. just LISTEN and show her that you are listening by for example asking for questions regarding the issue. This is a confirmation that you are listening and following what she is saying. DO NOT ADVICE her what to do. Just listen nothing more.

When you are outside let her know what you plan to do if somebody might ask to go and do something and ask her permission first. See her as a adviser and ask her how she sees things. Make a decision together. Why? When a decision is a bad decision you both agreed on that decision and nobody points to the other for the bad decision. When it was a good decision it is as if you have something to celebrate and share each others joy. See her as a equal not as less. You will spend your most joyful moments together and spend most saddest moments together. This creates this completion of the deen part if you ask me. Your "waves" also will align. What i mean by this is, you both will find the same things funny and reject the same things. You like to do the same things. Which is why deen is essential because this must be the "ka'bah" that you both are circling around within your both hearts.

When you have strong observation skills you know quickly what makes her upset and what makes her happy. No more words are needed as if you will become her arm and she becomes your arm.

This all will result in fulfillment of the needs in'sha'Allah. Off course there are more specific things, but just this is by general meaning. Allah knows best, but this is my conclusion so far.

 

[Simple_Person]

The good husband is the husband who give his wife not only what she need, but also what she want, in accordance of his affordability. If you were really poor is okay if you just give your wife what she need. But if you had money to buy the handbag that your wife want, then do not refuse her request with reason "you don't need handbag!".

Read my comment ..above..

 

[Umm♥Layth]

The OP said non virgin who is chaste, meaning divorcee or widow. That isn't the same as a non virgin who has been around the block due to bad decisions in the past. If she does have a not so fantastic past, her track record should be looked at. How long ago did she leave that lifestyle? 7+ years is a good indicator her chaste behavior is permanent and sincere.

It should be a tic for a tac. A man who had premarital relations with multiple women has no business looking for a virgin, never been married wife. It wouldn't be fair to her that he brings his baggage in. It doesn't matter how much he says he has changed, there WILL be baggage, 100% guarantee.

A virgin man who has never been married should seek a virgin wife who has never been married because they will both be new to this area, without baggage and will understand each other better. It is better for both of them.

A divorced man should seek a divorced (chaste) woman as they will probably have equal amount of baggage lol and will understand each other much better.

Instead of making virginity a deciding factor, chastity should be looked at. I hate how worthless many women are made to feel because they are no longer virgins for reasons like rape, divorce or their husbands dying.

Oh and also, there are many virgins who are not chaste. Not sure if you all are aware of muslim school bathroom talks. :facepalm: "Am I still a virgin if...?"

So lets rethink how we judge women and how we find a spouse. Virgin doesn't necessarily equal to good wife lol. LOOOOOL. I say all of this because I work with many women on a personal level and I get to see the harm this kind of thinking can do. The double standard that society has which allows men to party hardy and then settle down is very destructive to our society and to our women.

Okay, off my uncalled for soapbox now.

 

[Scimitar]

*puts popcorn away;D

 

[AbdurRahman.]

:wa:

i think men will differ in their choice; some may prefer the virgin thinking they will have a 'girl' from the start to mould her their way whereas with a divorcee or widow she already has a character that will probably remain ...

or some men may just go for the 'enjoyment factor' which they'll presume lies more in the beutiful woman!

 

[aaj]

:wasalam:

It's not really a simple choice of what men want nor what we should do as umm layth put it. There are many factors that come into play.

If he lives in a society where culture, norm and family pressure is for an unmarried man to marry a virgin then that will heavily influence the outcome.
If he is raised in that culture and mindset then that is what he will want as well, a woman no other man has touched.
If virginity is not that high on his list (not that cultured or religious) then he may follow the eyes/heart and go for the beauty.
If man desire virgins (unmarried or divorced himself) then that is what he will want
If he is open minded, the chemistry he feels after meeting the two may influence the decision

Whether the beauty has any kids may influence the decision.
The age of the beauty, virgin and the man may influence the decision.
The social status of all 3 may influence the decision.
Circumstances and where he is in life may influence the decision
Demands / criteria of the women may influence his decision
And her passport may influence his decision

 

[noraina]

Wa alaykum assalam,

Ultimately, what is important is chastity, deen and compatibility - these are the things that matter, only so many people fail to realise that.

Of course physical attraction is important, but it shouldn't be a deciding factor. Looks fade, and you don't just live with that pretty face - you live with whatever is beneath that outer appearance as well.

There's nothing wrong with having certain desires or expectations about your future wife or husband, it's just about organising those priorities.

I would agree that perhaps a man who is unmarried and is a virgin would find it easier to marry an unmarried woman. And perhaps a man who has been married before should marry a woman who is either widowed or divorced. Simply because they may be able to relate to one another more. This isn't a rule, there are exceptions. And that's why I say that it's what is inside that should be high on your priority list in choosing a spouse. We all know our Prophet :saws: was unmarried when he married Khadijah :ra: who had been married before.

But it does grate me when in certain cultures women are viewed as 'used goods' just because they widowed or divorced. I have seen for myself how people pressurise women into believing they're lucky if just about any man off the street decides to propose to them and they should accept a less than desirable proposal just because they won't ever get any better.

But I don't want to go off on a tangent here . So I'll leave it there, lol.