I don't know if this is from my autism, ADHD, anxiety, OCD, or just a general emotional dysfunction, but I have an inability to deal with conflict, rejection, things not going according to plan, when I feel wronged but have to let it go, and lately, jealousy.
I went down to the counselor's at my university saying I was feeling suicidal or like i wanted to hurt myself twice, one of which was a time when I was fantasizing about laying on the road and getting run over. That actually happened both times, but i only mentioned it the first time. My mother was angry at me the first time because i missed a class, and when i was in the car with her, she threw my phone out the window and broke it. While the car was driving. the first time, it was because i got into an argument with some girls after trying to hang out with two of them, and i had feelings of self loathing, and glorified the idea of suicide, like I would die a martyr who was remembered as the cause of a revolution in people being nicer to each other, and in mental health treatment (kinda like the guy who burned himself in tunisia, but different), and the second time it was because of this story: i had to delete my old quora account because i was making inflammatory remarks about the turkish government, which is illegal in the current constitution which dates back to 1982, and so i worried that even if erdogan is removed from office and gulenists aren't a target, i would be arrested for defamation if i step foot on turkish soil. so i deleted it, created a new one, and i didnt know how to send private messages, and i had an orthodox jewish teenage girl acquainta'nce on there, and i tried explaining to her without aktrolls figuring it out, but she blocked me. i felt triggered. that was today, and i had to go down to the counselor to talk about my thoughts. later, i got angry because earlier i found out a 15 year old girl who caused me to get into trouble for obsessing over despite her father banning her from talking to boys, had a chinese boyfriend, so i texted her on Instagram, saying, "dont act like i dont know about your chinese kaafir boyfriend, im telling your dad," and i sent a screenshot of the girl's profile to the dad, and a message, but eventually decided i would get into trouble with my mother and i wouldn't be allowed to visit this one family i liked, or she would punish me some other way like by kicking me out of the house, so i blocked them and deactivated my account, and created a new one under a fake name to see if my profile was still visible.
i constantly tell my mother i feel suicidal, and her response is, "suicidal about WHAT! You don't need to feel suicidal..."(or, youre just bored" or "youve got nothing better to do")
so i constantly call my social worker (which she does not allow)
i had to stop myself from attempting suicide multiple times, and other times, i would feel sick or tired, especially after arguments, and i would lie in bed, and prah to Allah to forgive me of my sins, and kill me.
I often turn very psychotic, and feel like very numb, like the world is a dream,
Once, i lied on the driveway of my house so my mom would run me over, but the only thing that stopped me was that it was wet. i convinced myself i wasnt going to die, just stop my moms car after she sees me, to make a statement.
the only thing my mother does to help is threaten to send me to a mental hospital.
One of the things that numbs the pain, though previously i thought i wouldn't have a trouble with this since i gave up music long ago and went a long time without it, is gangsta rap, namely one song by N.W.A ("straight outta compton") which contains lots of boasting and violence, as well as sexual references, because, as i said to my mom once "it was like letting the music speak for myself {as a release}" (except the sexual references and boasting made me uncomfortable, it was more so the violence)
Once, when my mother was speaking with my sister and her friend (my sister's not religious, and her friend, btw, was an american) I threatened to cut my fingers, and was about to do it until she threatened to call the ambulance, so instead i hit my hands with a spatula.
while they were talking, i screamed in my room and cried that the girl was playing a double standard on me by going out with that chinese boy, and nobody heard except my brother who was also upstairs, but he doesn't talk to me (he hasn't in many years)
I called the national suicide hotline recently.
i also have felt an increase in my aggression internally, for instance, after that cultural misunderstanding/clash and argument with the ahiska girls, i told myself (and my mother, because there is no one else for me to talk to), "I dont care if they bring out their dad and their older brothers and cousins, Ill beat them, spray them with bug poison, and stab them to death." (i also told the girls this. and whenever i see boys i accuse of being ahiska, in my mind i get ready to fight to the death, and i have fantasies of choking people to death or beating them with a metal rod, which i often swing around.
[MENTION=282]*charisma*[/MENTION] [MENTION=36867]keiv[/MENTION] [MENTION=9623]sister herb[/MENTION] [MENTION=20685]Hamza Asadullah[/MENTION] [MENTION=5674]AabiruSabeel[/MENTION] [MENTION=16149]anatolian[/MENTION]
the only reason i tag you all is because i know nobody will reply otherwise, as i am a loner on this site as well....
I went down to the counselor's at my university saying I was feeling suicidal or like i wanted to hurt myself twice, one of which was a time when I was fantasizing about laying on the road and getting run over. That actually happened both times, but i only mentioned it the first time. My mother was angry at me the first time because i missed a class, and when i was in the car with her, she threw my phone out the window and broke it. While the car was driving. the first time, it was because i got into an argument with some girls after trying to hang out with two of them, and i had feelings of self loathing, and glorified the idea of suicide, like I would die a martyr who was remembered as the cause of a revolution in people being nicer to each other, and in mental health treatment (kinda like the guy who burned himself in tunisia, but different), and the second time it was because of this story: i had to delete my old quora account because i was making inflammatory remarks about the turkish government, which is illegal in the current constitution which dates back to 1982, and so i worried that even if erdogan is removed from office and gulenists aren't a target, i would be arrested for defamation if i step foot on turkish soil. so i deleted it, created a new one, and i didnt know how to send private messages, and i had an orthodox jewish teenage girl acquainta'nce on there, and i tried explaining to her without aktrolls figuring it out, but she blocked me. i felt triggered. that was today, and i had to go down to the counselor to talk about my thoughts. later, i got angry because earlier i found out a 15 year old girl who caused me to get into trouble for obsessing over despite her father banning her from talking to boys, had a chinese boyfriend, so i texted her on Instagram, saying, "dont act like i dont know about your chinese kaafir boyfriend, im telling your dad," and i sent a screenshot of the girl's profile to the dad, and a message, but eventually decided i would get into trouble with my mother and i wouldn't be allowed to visit this one family i liked, or she would punish me some other way like by kicking me out of the house, so i blocked them and deactivated my account, and created a new one under a fake name to see if my profile was still visible.
i constantly tell my mother i feel suicidal, and her response is, "suicidal about WHAT! You don't need to feel suicidal..."(or, youre just bored" or "youve got nothing better to do")
so i constantly call my social worker (which she does not allow)
i had to stop myself from attempting suicide multiple times, and other times, i would feel sick or tired, especially after arguments, and i would lie in bed, and prah to Allah to forgive me of my sins, and kill me.
I often turn very psychotic, and feel like very numb, like the world is a dream,
Once, i lied on the driveway of my house so my mom would run me over, but the only thing that stopped me was that it was wet. i convinced myself i wasnt going to die, just stop my moms car after she sees me, to make a statement.
the only thing my mother does to help is threaten to send me to a mental hospital.
One of the things that numbs the pain, though previously i thought i wouldn't have a trouble with this since i gave up music long ago and went a long time without it, is gangsta rap, namely one song by N.W.A ("straight outta compton") which contains lots of boasting and violence, as well as sexual references, because, as i said to my mom once "it was like letting the music speak for myself {as a release}" (except the sexual references and boasting made me uncomfortable, it was more so the violence)
Once, when my mother was speaking with my sister and her friend (my sister's not religious, and her friend, btw, was an american) I threatened to cut my fingers, and was about to do it until she threatened to call the ambulance, so instead i hit my hands with a spatula.
while they were talking, i screamed in my room and cried that the girl was playing a double standard on me by going out with that chinese boy, and nobody heard except my brother who was also upstairs, but he doesn't talk to me (he hasn't in many years)
I called the national suicide hotline recently.
i also have felt an increase in my aggression internally, for instance, after that cultural misunderstanding/clash and argument with the ahiska girls, i told myself (and my mother, because there is no one else for me to talk to), "I dont care if they bring out their dad and their older brothers and cousins, Ill beat them, spray them with bug poison, and stab them to death." (i also told the girls this. and whenever i see boys i accuse of being ahiska, in my mind i get ready to fight to the death, and i have fantasies of choking people to death or beating them with a metal rod, which i often swing around.
[MENTION=282]*charisma*[/MENTION] [MENTION=36867]keiv[/MENTION] [MENTION=9623]sister herb[/MENTION] [MENTION=20685]Hamza Asadullah[/MENTION] [MENTION=5674]AabiruSabeel[/MENTION] [MENTION=16149]anatolian[/MENTION]
the only reason i tag you all is because i know nobody will reply otherwise, as i am a loner on this site as well....
.