What am i suppose to do in my situation?

A

Adam Parker

Limited Member
Messages
5
Reaction score
0
Gender
Male
Religion
Islam
Salaam alaykum everyone,

I feel so lost, nobody to talk to & my thoughts are eating me up. I really need some advice from you guys please don't judge me I just need advice. It's long but here it goes...

I got married in the August of 2016 to a woman I got to know through family so it was like an arranged marriage but we also had some time to get to know each other. Anyways, I really liked her, and of course thats why I married her and I was so happy to be getting married it felt really special to me. Everything was perfect, we had our own place to live, it was just perfect what else can i say

Anyways in the very first week after marriage we had a few arguments about her headscarf which she used to wear before marriage but for some reason she stopped wearing after marriage and also I saw a text on her phone about a previous relationship she had been in which really hurt me cos she was supposed to be an aalimah; someone who studied the Deen, when I confronted her she lied but I just left it, although I did say to her if she ever went behind my back then our marriage is over

She then started work and this is where things got really bad as in December 2016 I found filthy texts on her phone from her team leader, I was proper heart broken we had only been married for 4 months and I never treated her bad, why would she go behind my back like that?

Anyways I did kick a fuss, I called her family over and told them what she'd done but they didn't seem too surprised for some reason, they just took her home and a few days later came to my mums house and kicked off with my family for treating their daughter badly, I just couldn't understand what was going on

She finally put her headscarf on cos her mum told her to and after a few discussions I let her come back but I coudnt be normal cos I didn't even know who she was at this point, I had lost my trust in her

I started looking at her phone records, I just wanted to find out if this was a one off or if she really was like this, after some time I found out she'd been constantly on the phone to so many men in particular her brothers' brother in law throughout our marriage, behind my back!

I rang her to ask her and she straight away knew she'd been caught she said it was wrong, etc I won't go in detail but at this point I lost it , I just said talaq 3 times to her I know I was wrong for saying that, I just felt betrayed by someone who I did a lot with and I was beyond angry

She never told anyone about me saying talaq to her, after a few days I rang her brother to see what he had to say but he just started accusing me of being the same as his sister and so I told him I've divorced your sister , I even said talaq to him , this is something I'm ashamed of and I always will be , I hate myself for it, I was raised better than that, the situation just got the better of me

But the thing is no one seemed bothered, none of her family seemed bothered, and she blocked me off straight away and then came to get her things, the last thing I spoke to her family about was sending her divorce papers and that's it, off they went

They told their imam that I had said talaq 3 times and he said the 3 talaqs stand, full stop, they never told him anything else. Btw none of us are ahle hadith so we dont follow 3 talaqs = 1 talaq.

I really didnt want my marriage to end but my excuses were just excuses, in the end I accepted 3 talaqs too as I am hanafi but when I went to get divorce papers I visited my teacher who is a mufti, he told me it was 1 talaq bain in our case, I asked a few other muftis for a 2nd opinion and they confirmed this too, as did the imam that my ex-wife follows.

Before I could tell her, she had applied for a khula herself and I was writing to her asking her to get in contact with me, our marriage didnt have to end but she wasn't having any of it, she said she prayed she gets her divorce papers asap and after this I just agreed I never got to tell her about it being 1 talaq bain because she never gave me the chance

It's been exactly one year since she went, I'm still recovering cos I actually cared about her and I had so many dreams with her, I do miss the good times with her but I really don't know what happened

Why did she marry me if she was like that, if she was chatting inappropriately to other men and didn't stop, why did she marry me? I feel like I got played in everything, and to top it all off her mum has been telling everyone in my neighbourhood that I'm gay, I can't get my head around what happened

Have you guys heard of any similar stories? What can you advise someone in my shoes? Even though she did all of the above I still miss her, why do I feel like that?!

And also, she thinks she's divorced 3 times but it's only once, am I being sinful keeping that to myself? This is eating me up. I tried telling her that I had something to say but she wasn't listening to me at all.

And finally pls do dua for me I'm struggling really hard inside.

Salaam.
 
Walaikum Asalaam

Sorry to hear about your situation brother. I think you made a few mistakes concerning your wife's behavior. The first being that you outed her to her family without trying to figure things out between the both of you and seeking help. The second is that it seems you have a short fuse and react without thinking. And the third is not telling her the truth about the divorce. This doesn't mean that she isn't at fault, but I think the issue wouldn't have escalated as much had it been confined in the beginning. With that being said, the fact that her family is drawing a wedge between you both and not being supportive of making the marriage successful and also slandering you, and the fact that your wife is not faithful and honest tells me that neither her family nor her are Allah-fearing people. I won't tell you what to do because in the end it's your choice. You have to reflect on what is the best for your iman and future. I don't condone divorce especially if there is a chance things can work out and be better than before. But if you decide that these issues will be continuous and you can never regain trust and that divorce is your solution, then do not feel burdened or sad about it. Inshallah Allah will replace your loss for something better as long as what you do is for His sake. Remember that you have also only been married for a little over a year, so while it isn't 10 years or 20 years, you have to judge the character of the person you do want to spend the rest of your life with, because a betrayal in longer marriage will have a bigger impact as the years progress, especially when life is built with children and commitments. Take this experience as a learning curve and reflect and make du'a and think about what is best for your dunyaa and afterlife. May ALlah ease your affairs and guide you to which is best for you ameen.
 
wa'alaikum as'salaam,

you may have made a few mistakes but you are not at fault here. There are many such type muslims today who put up a front of being "islamic" to get married and then show their true colors. She was simply a menizer and a player and nothing more. she got busted and her family knew it too which is why they were all mute about it and then tried to pin it back on you. She wanted out of the marriage because you saw her true colors and confronted her and she couldn't keep that lifestyle being your back now that you knew. So she will go find some other sucker to take advantage of. You got attached to her too quickly based on your own dreams and hopes. Love is something that develops over time based on the character and qualities you find in your partner as you get to know each other. This seemed more like your infatuation of her. Anyway, you should thank Allah for saving you from such a dishonorable woman and try to get over this emotional dilemma you are stuck in and next time try to do more background check of the next sister to see if she is as she appears.

It's a typical response of the one side to blame the other side for the fault so their side comes out clean, especially if they want to marry again. Which is why they are telling the community you are gay to tarnish your image so their girl can get married to the next sucker they find. Unless you want to expose her sins, you may have to look outside of that community to find someone suitable. You probably should've taken some of what she did as evidence in case you needed to clear your honor from any false accusations. Anyways, you should try getting to know good brothers in the community and volunteer there so the community gets to know you better and make dua Allah blesses you with someone better inshallah.

Regarding the 3 talaq issue.

The scholars differed concerning the ruling on one who divorces his wife by saying “I divorce you thrice”. The majority of scholars are of the view that this means that divorce has taken place three times; others are of the view that divorce takes place only once.

You can read more on that here : https://islamqa.info/en/36580 and https://islamqa.info/en/96194

regarding giving talaq in anger, see here: https://islamqa.info/en/170606 and https://islamqa.info/en/160830
 
Last edited:
:wa: Sorry to hear your sad story. I don't think unison between you is easy, even you seek any leeway to settle your disputes.
 
Be happy you rid yourself of this woman and that you didn't have any kids with her. Insha-Alah, He will bless you with a better wife next time.
 
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you. But honestly, moving on (as difficult as it is and maybe in this situation) is the best solution in this case and the wisest course of action. From whatever you've relayed, this woman doesn't seem to have the best character, and likely she would not have changed and instead continued to make your life miserable. Therefore, you should not waste your valuable time and precious energy regretting the divorce which she is pursuing. And this is coming from me, a woman herself. Not all women are like your ex, but some women can definitely be snakes in human skin. And the same applies to men.

Consider this chapter of your life as a has-been trial from your Lord which is now over InshaAllah and recite this dua for calamity to which I'm linking you so that Allah will grant you better in the future (whenever you do feel mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically ready to search for a spouse). However, right now, take your time to heal, and do not let your past (and her) consume your thoughts.

And you asked why you miss her and perhaps were willing to take her back given what's happened; well, the reasons you feel like that is probably due in part to your (a) attachment to her and (b) because on some level you're in denial of how much of a bad character your ex showed and you're idealizing her and the time you spent with her and (b) also because you're likely afraid of having to deal with the reality of being single again. However, sometimes, the state of being single is a blessing, especially as you can invest time and energy instead in understanding you and loving yourself as you are instead.

In my humble opinion, especially with breakdown of marriages or heartaches, the single best thing any person can do is invest in yourself: Engage in self-love, that is, doing things that manifestly boost your self-esteem (whether that is an activity that you love like traveling, going outdoors, sports, exercise, some hobby, etc.); and engage in remembrance which makes you feel closer to Allah (whether that is zikr, supererogatory prayers, supplication, etc.). The reason I recommend engaging in activities that boost your self-esteem and sense of self is because in such situations people typically experience a shock to their system, and therefore their self-esteem and sense of self takes a nosedive so that the person often feels rudderless and confused and angry and in denial and unhappy. While all of those emotions are natural, they are not healthy for you for the long-term; and therefore, you need to redirect yourself in ways that enables both (a) a healthy self-esteem to grow and (b) recovery from this setback stronger and readier in your outlook to face the world.

I know it's not easy; but when more time passes and you feel more emotionally and mentally stable, I do highly recommend that you forgive your ex for the pain and heartache she caused you, not because she's done anything to earn your forgiveness but because this will be an important component of the process of self-healing in which you need to engage in order to overcome your heartache so that you yourself do not carry any bitterness in your heart. To let go of all negativity in your mind and heart, it is important to let her go completely. And you can only exorcise her from your heart and mind by forgiving her. And finally, forgive yourself because it is not your fault that your marriage did not work out; some things are simply not meant to be.

Also, I will tell you honestly that please be careful when you do feel ready to begin your martial search. Please never be taken in or fooled by someone's outward appearance; honestly, the world in which we live in is weird: There are religious-seeming people who are honestly some of the worst people in terms of character you'll meet, and then there are non-religious-seeming people who are some of the best in character you'll ever meet. Therefore, when you do begin your marital search, please ask questions which will enable you to gauge character and prioritize that over everything (including knowledge of the deen, status, looks, outward appearance of religiosity, wealth, beauty) and do Istikhaara to gain guidance from Allah on whether this person is right for you in terms of deen, dunya, and aakhirah.

Sincere Regards & Best Wishes,

:wa: (And peace be upon you)
 
Zzz_ said:
wa'alaikum as'salaam,

you may have made a few mistakes but you are not at fault here. There are many such type muslims today who put up a front of being "islamic" to get married and then show their true colors. She was simply a menizer and a player and nothing more. she got busted and her family knew it too which is why they were all mute about it and then tried to pin it back on you. She wanted out of the marriage because you saw her true colors and confronted her and she couldn't keep that lifestyle being your back now that you knew. So she will go find some other sucker to take advantage of. You got attached to her too quickly based on your own dreams and hopes. Love is something that develops over time based on the character and qualities you find in your partner as you get to know each other. This seemed more like your infatuation of her. Anyway, you should thank Allah for saving you from such a dishonorable woman and try to get over this emotional dilemma you are stuck in and next time try to do more background check of the next sister to see if she is as she appears.

It's a typical response of the one side to blame the other side for the fault so their side comes out clean, especially if they want to marry again. Which is why they are telling the community you are gay to tarnish your image so their girl can get married to the next sucker they find. Unless you want to expose her sins, you may have to look outside of that community to find someone suitable. You probably should've taken some of what she did as evidence in case you needed to clear your honor from any false accusations. Anyways, you should try getting to know good brothers in the community and volunteer there so the community gets to know you better and make dua Allah blesses you with someone better inshallah.

Regarding the 3 talaq issue.

The scholars differed concerning the ruling on one who divorces his wife by saying “I divorce you thrice”. The majority of scholars are of the view that this means that divorce has taken place three times; others are of the view that divorce takes place only once.

You can read more on that here : https://islamqa.info/en/36580 and https://islamqa.info/en/96194

regarding giving talaq in anger, see here: https://islamqa.info/en/170606 and https://islamqa.info/en/160830
Click to expand...

Thank you everybody, you don't understand how much it helped reading your posts, thank you so much. And yeah I suppose I am idealizing her, I just remember the good times, and the laughs, and that hurts really bad. I used to have such a good life, I was a happy person but these days I'm just wasting my life away I feel hopeless I wish I didn't feel like this but I've never been here before I dont know how I'm suppose to deal with it, just do dua for me I'm not strong where did I go wrong

With regards to the 3 talaaqs = 1 talaaq I don't actually follow this as I'm part of the hanafi school of thought and so 3 talaaqs = 3 talaaqs but in my case I've been advised that one talaaq bain applies because of another reason which I wish I never knew about

If I see her again, what should I do? I don't know how to react, my family have seen her out and about but I really don't wanna bump into her , I'll just crumble. I don't know what's happened to me, I've fallen a bit too deep I think, how long will it take to get back on my feet, will I ever get back on my feet? Will she ever get out of my head?
 
Adam Parker said:
If I see her again, what should I do? I don't know how to react, my family have seen her out and about but I really don't wanna bump into her , I'll just crumble. I don't know what's happened to me, I've fallen a bit too deep I think, how long will it take to get back on my feet, will I ever get back on my feet? Will she ever get out of my head?
Click to expand...

Bro, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. By Allah's will, you will be able to stay put together if you cross paths with her. We only know your side of the story, and if you are truthful Allah will not dishonor you. Learn a new physical hobby or sport. You'll be just fine.
 
Misbah-Abd said:
Be happy you rid yourself of this woman and that you didn't have any kids with her. Insha-Alah, He will bless you with a better wife next time.
Click to expand...

:sl:

Agreed with this . be careful with beauty etc and its your destiny (al Qadr) too. So be pious and ask dua to Allah for the best Wife AND BETTER A HOUSE WIFE.
 
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It is natural to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with having feelings as you do given your current situation. However, I highly advise that you become proactive about your situation, that is, not wallow in this state of misery or self-pity because it will keep breeding a negative thought pattern. Not healthy for you. Just because your emotions are a natural consequence of recent events doesn't mean you're powerless or helpless to change your mindset and thereby your situation. Hence, you should strive to better your state of mind and heart, which I do believe should include self-esteem boosting activities and endeavors to get closer to Allah as I'd advised in the earlier post.

You're stronger than you think. And it is never going to be fruitful for you to delve into what you did wrong or did to deserve this, because in so doing shaitaan will have an easier time controlling your heart and keeping you depressed. Remember shaitaan loves distressing the heart of the believer. Therefore, try to tune out negative thought pattern in your head and instead do positive affirmations such as the following to enable a positive effect to occur on your heart and mind:

1) "I'm healing completely with the Mercy of Allah."
2) "I'm strong, and I am becoming stronger everyday."
3) "I'm grateful for all the good things in my life."
4) "I trust that Allah will straighten all my affairs in the best way."
5) "Allah's Mercy is covering my heart."
6) "I'm worthy of love, and Allah loves me."
7) "Everything is going to go well. I can feel it."

As far as your concern about seeing her, I would say if you see her again, then that's just you seeing her: She's just another normal human being who's sharing the planet earth with you. She doesn't have any other meaning unless you assign her further meaning. If you see her, you see her. There's nothing aberrant about a coincidence or such happenstance. Remind yourself you're strong. You don't have to crumble, because you have Allah SWT.

The truth is that as hard as you may find it right now, I 100% know that you will get back on your feet. You know how I know? Because like many other billions of people on the planet, I have experienced heartache. It took me approximately a year to get over the heartache. My situation, however, was different, because it did not involve divorce (though it hurt very, very, very much); it was just infatuation with a person whom I'd become emotionally attached when I'd been engaging in Muslim marital search because he seemed to me on the surface the perfect person with whom I could spend my life. I now look back and recognize that I had imbued him in my imagination with qualities he did not in reality have because I wanted him to be the right person chosen by Allah. He was not. Allah saved me from someone whom I have since learned has bad Islamic character; so, I have since the time I acquired newfound knowledge of his character, recognized he was never the right person. Recognizing that personally helped me so much, because I now realize that the right person will always be the person whom Allah lets stay in your life (especially when you do Istikhaara as I had done). And it is only sometimes now that I think of that person, not in a I-wish-I-had-this-person but how-could-I-be-so-stupid-as-to-think-the-way-I'd-done.

Life has an odd way of healing you and your heart when you least expect it, because the process is gradual but definite all the same. And yes, she will get out of your head. But you have to be willing to let her go as well. If you're set on this course of action (letting her pursue divorce), then maintain your resolve. If you're confused, do Istikhaara. But if you're set and are willing to let go of her, then I advice the following: If you have any items in your house that remind you of her, remove them immediately or donate them to charity as soon as feasible. If you have any pictures of you and her together, delete them. Basically, remove any reminders of her from your life. Aim to start anew. Life is about second chances. Take this event and heartbreak as a second chance as yours to live the life that you want to live, and make that the best life possible, deen, dunya, and aakhirah.

Sincere Regards & Best Wishes,

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

Adam Parker said:
Thank you everybody, you don't understand how much it helped reading your posts, thank you so much. And yeah I suppose I am idealizing her, I just remember the good times, and the laughs, and that hurts really bad. I used to have such a good life, I was a happy person but these days I'm just wasting my life away I feel hopeless I wish I didn't feel like this but I've never been here before I dont know how I'm suppose to deal with it, just do dua for me I'm not strong where did I go wrong

With regards to the 3 talaaqs = 1 talaaq I don't actually follow this as I'm part of the hanafi school of thought and so 3 talaaqs = 3 talaaqs but in my case I've been advised that one talaaq bain applies because of another reason which I wish I never knew about

If I see her again, what should I do? I don't know how to react, my family have seen her out and about but I really don't wanna bump into her , I'll just crumble. I don't know what's happened to me, I've fallen a bit too deep I think, how long will it take to get back on my feet, will I ever get back on my feet? Will she ever get out of my head?
Click to expand...
 
Adam Parker said:
If I see her again, what should I do? I don't know how to react, my family have seen her out and about but I really don't wanna bump into her , I'll just crumble. I don't know what's happened to me, I've fallen a bit too deep I think, how long will it take to get back on my feet, will I ever get back on my feet? Will she ever get out of my head?
Click to expand...
:sl:
​

Just be nice, just give her salam is enough and move on. You don't need to remove her completely from your mind, pray for her, pray so she get good husband that can lead her to Jannah whenever you remember her.

When you remember the good time with her, don't forget that :Allah: is the one who gave a chance for that moments to be happen, be grateful, love :Allah: more than her, love :Allah: as the one who trust her to you, do tahmid.
 
Search said:
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It is natural to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with having feelings as you do given your current situation. However, I highly advise that you become proactive about your situation, that is, not wallow in this state of misery or self-pity because it will keep breeding a negative thought pattern. Not healthy for you. Just because your emotions are a natural consequence of recent events doesn't mean you're powerless or helpless to change your mindset and thereby your situation. Hence, you should strive to better your state of mind and heart, which I do believe should include self-esteem boosting activities and endeavors to get closer to Allah as I'd advised in the earlier post.

You're stronger than you think. And it is never going to be fruitful for you to delve into what you did wrong or did to deserve this, because in so doing shaitaan will have an easier time controlling your heart and keeping you depressed. Remember shaitaan loves distressing the heart of the believer. Therefore, try to tune out negative thought pattern in your head and instead do positive affirmations such as the following to enable a positive effect to occur on your heart and mind:

1) "I'm healing completely with the Mercy of Allah."
2) "I'm strong, and I am becoming stronger everyday."
3) "I'm grateful for all the good things in my life."
4) "I trust that Allah will straighten all my affairs in the best way."
5) "Allah's Mercy is covering my heart."
6) "I'm worthy of love, and Allah loves me."
7) "Everything is going to go well. I can feel it."

As far as your concern about seeing her, I would say if you see her again, then that's just you seeing her: She's just another normal human being who's sharing the planet earth with you. She doesn't have any other meaning unless you assign her further meaning. If you see her, you see her. There's nothing aberrant about a coincidence or such happenstance. Remind yourself you're strong. You don't have to crumble, because you have Allah SWT.

The truth is that as hard as you may find it right now, I 100% know that you will get back on your feet. You know how I know? Because like many other billions of people on the planet, I have experienced heartache. It took me approximately a year to get over the heartache. My situation, however, was different, because it did not involve divorce (though it hurt very, very, very much); it was just infatuation with a person whom I'd become emotionally attached when I'd been engaging in Muslim marital search because he seemed to me on the surface the perfect person with whom I could spend my life. I now look back and recognize that I had imbued him in my imagination with qualities he did not in reality have because I wanted him to be the right person chosen by Allah. He was not. Allah saved me from someone whom I have since learned has bad Islamic character; so, I have since the time I acquired newfound knowledge of his character, recognized he was never the right person. Recognizing that personally helped me so much, because I now realize that the right person will always be the person whom Allah lets stay in your life (especially when you do Istikhaara as I had done). And it is only sometimes now that I think of that person, not in a I-wish-I-had-this-person but how-could-I-be-so-stupid-as-to-think-the-way-I'd-done.

Life has an odd way of healing you and your heart when you least expect it, because the process is gradual but definite all the same. And yes, she will get out of your head. But you have to be willing to let her go as well. If you're set on this course of action (letting her pursue divorce), then maintain your resolve. If you're confused, do Istikhaara. But if you're set and are willing to let go of her, then I advice the following: If you have any items in your house that remind you of her, remove them immediately or donate them to charity as soon as feasible. If you have any pictures of you and her together, delete them. Basically, remove any reminders of her from your life. Aim to start anew. Life is about second chances. Take this event and heartbreak as a second chance as yours to live the life that you want to live, and make that the best life possible, deen, dunya, and aakhirah.

Sincere Regards & Best Wishes,

:wa: (And peace be upon you)
Click to expand...

Wa alaykm salaam sister, just wanna say I appreciate your advice, and many of the things you have said make a lot of sense, I have already gotten rid of all her things and pictures as well, but all the memories in my head aren't so easy to erase

I just feel sorry for her that she's divorced I didn't wanna be the one to do that to her especially since she didn't have a dad and also her mum wasn't in good health , I cared about my in laws a lot I remember when I went for her hand and the promises that I made to them I didn't ever want to hurt anyone

A brother mentioned that you guys are only hearing my side of the story and that's true, but I don't know what her side of the story would be , I really don't know

And I do involve myself in activities, I play tennis a lot, but I can't even concentrate on that anymore cos I feel sick all the time, in fact I don't think i can do anything , I can't even eat I've lost so much weight I know I'm destroying my health but I can't get a grip

If I had enough I would leave and start afresh in a new city , its getting a bit too much here
 
Adam Parker said:
Thank you everybody, you don't understand how much it helped reading your posts, thank you so much. And yeah I suppose I am idealizing her, I just remember the good times, and the laughs, and that hurts really bad. I used to have such a good life, I was a happy person but these days I'm just wasting my life away I feel hopeless I wish I didn't feel like this but I've never been here before I dont know how I'm suppose to deal with it, just do dua for me I'm not strong where did I go wrong

With regards to the 3 talaaqs = 1 talaaq I don't actually follow this as I'm part of the hanafi school of thought and so 3 talaaqs = 3 talaaqs but in my case I've been advised that one talaaq bain applies because of another reason which I wish I never knew about

If I see her again, what should I do? I don't know how to react, my family have seen her out and about but I really don't wanna bump into her , I'll just crumble. I don't know what's happened to me, I've fallen a bit too deep I think, how long will it take to get back on my feet, will I ever get back on my feet? Will she ever get out of my head?
Click to expand...

maybe it was your first love or maybe you let your guard down and put all your dreams and hopes in her before giving it more time build a relationship. So which is why you are taking this hard and have a hard time getting over it. Its time you realize what happened happened and it's time to move forward and put all of this behind you.

if you see her, just act normal. Even if you have to act it then do that. she may give you a cold shoulder or a snide remark if she isn't over it, or she'll just ignore you. You just need to keep your composer so be ready for anything should you run into her. and you should start thinking of this as nothing more than a chapter from your past and start moving forward.

we follow the Quran and the sunnah and the jammah. And majority of the scholar are of the view that 3 talaq counts as 3. Even if you follow the minority that says its only one, still you have to remember that she initiated the khula and she would have left you even if it was 1 count. So in either case, it's time to let it go and leave it in the past.
 
Zzz_ said:
maybe it was your first love or maybe you let your guard down and put all your dreams and hopes in her before giving it more time build a relationship. So which is why you are taking this hard and have a hard time getting over it. Its time you realize what happened happened and it's time to move forward and put all of this behind you.

if you see her, just act normal. Even if you have to act it then do that. she may give you a cold shoulder or a snide remark if she isn't over it, or she'll just ignore you. You just need to keep your composer so be ready for anything should you run into her. and you should start thinking of this as nothing more than a chapter from your past and start moving forward.

we follow the Quran and the sunnah and the jammah. And majority of the scholar are of the view that 3 talaq counts as 3. Even if you follow the minority that says its only one, still you have to remember that she initiated the khula and she would have left you even if it was 1 count. So in either case, it's time to let it go and leave it in the past.
Click to expand...

Yeah you're right I put all my dreams and hopes into her, no wonder it hurts that bit more. I try my best every day to progress and move forward and in my head I realise it's what I have to do but the heart is just a stubborn thing.

And if I see her I will for sure just keep my composure and just continue walking , what we had is gone and there's nothing I can do.

With the talaq issue I follow the Hanafi school for sure and I believe that 3 talaqs are indeed 3 talaqs. I do not follow the minority. Even so, only 1 talaq applies in my case and that is a talaq bain due to another reason which I didn't know affects divorce.

My ex wife doesn't know anything about that she thinks it's 3 talaqs done and I did try telling her to just listen but nor her or her family were prepared to listen. And am I sinful for keeping this to myself?
 
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

Of course, brother, memories in the mind are never easy to erase; but they get easier with time to handle, because eventually they don't bring the same level of sorrow and then gradually all sorrow is erased as Time heals the wounds of the heart.

I can understand that you feel sorry for her, as she didn't have a father and her mother's not been in good health; I do understand that and sympathize with her. Especially because one of the reasons I'd once liked the person with whom I'd wanted to marry and felt infatuated with was an orphan, and I liked that a lot about him. However, bad character is not something with which you can live, brother, or excuse for the long-term.

Sometimes, to live a little pain to be relieved of greater pain is better. I agree that this happening was not your dream; you worked on your marriage, just as perhaps your ex had too; however, in the end, what matters is that things didn't seem to have worked out for both of you in this marriage. She could not unfortunately, for whatever reasons best known to her, prove herself to you that she's willing to be the wife that she knows Islam expects her to be, especially as she was an aalimah and her knowledge encompasses the truth of that. She didn't have to be a perfect wife, just a mediocre wife if she couldn't have been a good one; but she failed even be a mediocre wife the day she was unfaithful.

I understand you made promises to her and your in-laws; but there's also a promise that you made to Allah before you were sent to the earth, which is to treat everything that you've been given as trust from Allah for which you will be questioned on Judgment Day. Your body, your mind, your heart, your wealth, your property, your life are all trusts from Allah for Allah. So, you should not betray Allah's trusts by giving in to your anxieties, fears, and poor eating habits, and letting yourself waste away. If you're feeling sick, seek a doctor and acquire medical attention, because many times emotional health has an effect on physiological health as well. I would also recommend that if you can afford to do so, acquire a counselor or therapist with immediate efficacy so you can work through positively this life period's struggle.

I honestly think you should start afresh in a new city if that's feasible for you; many people don't have that option. But if you do, exercise it, especially as you seem to be saying that your current negative emotional health has led also to your physical deterioration. Brother, trust me when I say you need to presently lavish the care and love that you once wanted to lavish on another on yourself. It is not right that you're letting yourself go and waste away, especially as nothing can be done on the past and you still have a present and future to face and live. Make your present and future positive. You can do it! Nothing is the end, brother, even when it feels like it.

InshaAllah, your heart will heal. Let Time do its work. In the meantime, tie your camel so-to-speak and work on using the advantages you've been given to your benefit. Trust me: Even though it doesn't feel like it, the best is yet to come. And every day is not going to be the same or feel the same; one day you'll look back on all this and realize that it took those days of darkness to make you a stronger and better person for which you'll one day be thankful InshaAllah. Wait for that day. Allah says, after all, in the Qur'an (2:153) that He's with the patient. So, be patient, hard though it is.

And...believe in yourself. If you need to remind yourself to be positive, consider buying posters with positive messages and put them up where you can see them in the first moment you find yourself waking up or sleeping. Love yourself as you are, in this moment, because life is about knowing that you have to learn to be your own best friend and rely on Allah to be your (Complete) Best Friend.

Sincere Regards & Best Wishes,

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

Adam Parker said:
Wa alaykm salaam sister, just wanna say I appreciate your advice, and many of the things you have said make a lot of sense, I have already gotten rid of all her things and pictures as well, but all the memories in my head aren't so easy to erase

I just feel sorry for her that she's divorced I didn't wanna be the one to do that to her especially since she didn't have a dad and also her mum wasn't in good health , I cared about my in laws a lot I remember when I went for her hand and the promises that I made to them I didn't ever want to hurt anyone

A brother mentioned that you guys are only hearing my side of the story and that's true, but I don't know what her side of the story would be , I really don't know

And I do involve myself in activities, I play tennis a lot, but I can't even concentrate on that anymore cos I feel sick all the time, in fact I don't think i can do anything , I can't even eat I've lost so much weight I know I'm destroying my health but I can't get a grip

If I had enough I would leave and start afresh in a new city , its getting a bit too much here
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
Adam Parker said:
With the talaq issue I follow the Hanafi school for sure and I believe that 3 talaqs are indeed 3 talaqs. I do not follow the minority. Even so, only 1 talaq applies in my case and that is a talaq bain due to another reason which I didn't know affects divorce.

My ex wife doesn't know anything about that she thinks it's 3 talaqs done and I did try telling her to just listen but nor her or her family were prepared to listen. And am I sinful for keeping this to myself?
Click to expand...

Bro,
if you didn't withhold that information on purpose while having that knowledge, and you did you best to try to convey that information once you found out then you have done your due diligence and inshallah won't be held accountable for it.
 
Thank you everybody for all your kind words, and I appreciate the advice. May Allah t'ala bless you all and keep you happy in life. Ameen.

Wa salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah
 

Similar Threads

Back
Top