Marriage issues...need advices.

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Barbarahajar

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Salaam alaykum. I'm 36 yo woman and I'm married. I'm 7 months pregnant ahlamdulillah .but my life became like a hell cause with my husband we argue each moment and there is no respect between us. I'd want to divorce after the baby born but I'm afraid I will be alone for ever.I never had a true family and my dream was to get a good husband but I've been disappointed.I'm afraid about what other people will say, friends and family, and I will not marry anymore.[emoji20] [emoji20] [emoji20] [emoji20]
 
Wa alaikum assalam,

sister I am not an expert so I suggest you wait for answers of experienced sisters, or go to an Imam of thrust. However, I wouldn't rush anything. What I know is, that hormes in the body of pregnant women can go crazy. It's a new situation for you both, and I know from brothers that this phases can be very stressful.

Just think about what huge responsibility you both have for your children. Allah has blessed you with it and is obviously testing you both. This fighting will end, when you just stop to fight. Try to educate you with communication skills and how to solve fighting efficiently - most fighting happens because of triviality. Sometimes it's good to not argue, just leave the room both and calm down - I am sure that most issues will vanish after that. If not, speak about it on a calm and respectful manner. Don't be dogmatic because of little things. Best way to finish fighting and arguing is to find a compromise that will be in the sense of your both. I think this is the success of marriage to be able to find compromises.

Consider, that As-shaytan tries to destroy families, don't trap into his tricks. Nobody is perfect, we're human and do mistakes. Try best to forgive eachother the mistakes.

May Allah heal your marriage and bless you with a virtuous child. Ameen.
 
wa'alaikum as'salaam,

may Allah make things easy for you. You should reach out to the local imam or islamic marriage counselor and try to reconcile your differences. Perhaps it may make him see how you are hurting and lead to both of you sitting down and making a plan to working out through this ordeal. Divorce seems like a nice option now but it's not really an ideal option, only a last option after all means of reconciliation have been exhausted, especially for someone who is pregnant and due shortly and have no other support structure in place.
 
new2010 said:
Wa alaikum assalam,

sister I am not an expert so I suggest you wait for answers of experienced sisters, or go to an Imam of thrust. However, I wouldn't rush anything. What I know is, that hormes in the body of pregnant women can go crazy. It's a new situation for you both, and I know from brothers that this phases can be very stressful.

Just think about what huge responsibility you both have for your children. Allah has blessed you with it and is obviously testing you both. This fighting will end, when you just stop to fight. Try to educate you with communication skills and how to solve fighting efficiently - most fighting happens because of triviality. Sometimes it's good to not argue, just leave the room both and calm down - I am sure that most issues will vanish after that. If not, speak about it on a calm and respectful manner. Don't be dogmatic because of little things. Best way to finish fighting and arguing is to find a compromise that will be in the sense of your both. I think this is the success of marriage to be able to find compromises.

Consider, that As-shaytan tries to destroy families, don't trap into his tricks. Nobody is perfect, we're human and do mistakes. Try best to forgive eachother the mistakes.

May Allah heal your marriage and bless you with a virtuous child. Ameen.
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Wa alaykum salaam thank you for your time. I'm having a terrible pregnancy cause I'm alone and when we talk by phone only messes and arguing, bad words and insults. It is not linked with hormons cause we are like that before I was pregnant! I didn't dream a marriage like that, I know no one is perfect but this is not the life I wanted. I'm depressed and anxious and I don't want my baby( he is a boy) grow up in this environment. We tried many times to.talk with his father and with imam but we didn't solve yet. I'm so afraid for the future[emoji22] [emoji22] [emoji22]
 
Zzz_ said:
wa'alaikum as'salaam,

may Allah make things easy for you. You should reach out to the local imam or islamic marriage counselor and try to reconcile your differences. Perhaps it may make him see how you are hurting and lead to both of you sitting down and making a plan to working out through this ordeal. Divorce seems like a nice option now but it's not really an ideal option, only a last option after all means of reconciliation have been exhausted, especially for someone who is pregnant and due shortly and have no other support structure in place.
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Wa alaykum.salaam...we tried to talk with imam and with his dad and brothers but it didn't work !
 
Barbarahajar said:
Wa alaykum.salaam...we tried to talk with imam and with his dad and brothers but it didn't work !
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Salam sis,
Im sorry for what your going through :( sounds terrible.
Id maybe consider speaking to your husbands family. I know sometimes we dont want to get others involved in private matters, but maybe its good to speak to your in laws, and maybe they'll speak to your husband?
Like the other posters here said, try marriage councilling, or even try and email an imam?
I wish you all the best, if you want to talk or vent, im just a pm away!
 
Barbarahajar said:
Wa alaykum salaam thank you for your time. I'm having a terrible pregnancy cause I'm alone and when we talk by phone only messes and arguing, bad words and insults. It is not linked with hormons cause we are like that before I was pregnant! I didn't dream a marriage like that, I know no one is perfect but this is not the life I wanted. I'm depressed and anxious and I don't want my baby( he is a boy) grow up in this environment. We tried many times to.talk with his father and with imam but we didn't solve yet. I'm so afraid for the future[emoji22] [emoji22] [emoji22]
Click to expand...

Assalamu alaikum,

it's not my business, but may I ask what are you arguing about? Don't say it if it too personal. I don't want to be obtrusive.

That is actually what I meant with discussing culture. We shouldn't use bad words or insults. Rather we should try to speak with adab and use good words that will strengthen the bond. Sure this is not easy, but is that not actually Jihad? There is nothing better than respecting each other. Do you or he uses sarcasm and irony when arguing? If so, stop that, because it will not help and make the situation worse. A good think also is to not demand things from the other, instead try to see what you can change on yourself. Many fights escalate because people try to blame the other. It would be better when both try to figure out their own mistakes. May be you can try that, like "I know I do this and that wrong and I will try to change that", perhaps this will open the door that he will use the same approach. But I am not a psychologist, so wait for other opinions with more experience.

Another thing might that your husband has problems and doesn't know how to approach you in that regard and choose the way of arguing. So there must be a root for the arguing that needs to be solved.

May I ask whether you and your husband practice (pray the five daily prayers etc)?

Just look at Youtube there is a lot of content in regard to marriage, especially Mufti Menk has published a lot. Maybe you'll find something beneficial.
 
Barbarahajar said:
Wa alaykum.salaam...we tried to talk with imam and with his dad and brothers but it didn't work !
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I think you should tell the imam the following:

1. how your daily interactions are
2. how you feel abused and unsafe
3. how unhealthy it is for you and your health and the baby
4. how you feel like leaving the marriage

I'm sure you probably already told him some of that stuff, but relate your thoughts of the toxicity of this marriage and your intentions of divorce if things don't change. And for the imam to let the husband know, either man up and do right by you and work with you to resort this out or be ready for a divorce and say good bye to his wife and child.

Of course we only know one side of the story and not the whole story but in either case the imam seem to be more aware of it and knowing what you are thinking of may make him be a bit more assertive with the husband and help him realize what he stands to loose.
 
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Thank you so much...you gave me some good points to think about...yes of course you know only my side of the story. Im not a perfect woman and probably i do many mistakes with my husband. He is not bad guy, but i dont feel loved by him. He spend all his free time surfing on internet and on facebook and chatting with his friends and i feel very lonely.plus i dont know why he always try to hide me. There are many stuff thst make me feel unsure about his love so i become very jelous with him.also he is egyptian and im from europe, probably Also the different culture give US issues even if i try to understand his point of views.
 
new2010 said:
Assalamu alaikum,

it's not my business, but may I ask what are you arguing about? Don't say it if it too personal. I don't want to be obtrusive.

That is actually what I meant with discussing culture. We shouldn't use bad words or insults. Rather we should try to speak with adab and use good words that will strengthen the bond. Sure this is not easy, but is that not actually Jihad? There is nothing better than respecting each other. Do you or he uses sarcasm and irony when arguing? If so, stop that, because it will not help and make the situation worse. A good think also is to not demand things from the other, instead try to see what you can change on yourself. Many fights escalate because people try to blame the other. It would be better when both try to figure out their own mistakes. May be you can try that, like "I know I do this and that wrong and I will try to change that", perhaps this will open the door that he will use the same approach. But I am not a psychologist, so wait for other opinions with more experience.

Another thing might that your husband has problems and doesn't know how to approach you in that regard and choose the way of arguing. So there must be a root for the arguing that needs to be solved.

May I ask whether you and your husband practice (pray the five daily prayers etc)?

Just look at Youtube there is a lot of content in regard to marriage, especially Mufti Menk has published a lot. Maybe you'll find something beneficial.
Click to expand...
Salaam...well yes we pray the 5 daily prayers even if my husband is a bit lazy. He spent a lot of free time on facebook. He has a very dirty mouth and often use bad words when he get angry and he has the habit to throw objects through the room and raise his voice. He is very short tempered. From my side I'm anxious person and I need to feel sure and safe about the daily things of life and he see that like a burden.for example I call him many times in a day or I ask him how he spend his time, we live far away now cause he works in Saudi Arabia and cause of pregnancy I'm to my family home...and he see me too controlling , but for me is just a way to share life and things , a way to be more closer. But he see my attitude like a burden.... Also often he tell me that my tone voice is not appropriate, too high...but it is just my tone voice...generally talking we don't understand each others.[emoji20]
 
cinnamonrolls1 said:
Salam sis,
Im sorry for what your going through :( sounds terrible.
Id maybe consider speaking to your husbands family. I know sometimes we dont want to get others involved in private matters, but maybe its good to speak to your in laws, and maybe they'll speak to your husband?
Like the other posters here said, try marriage councilling, or even try and email an imam?
I wish you all the best, if you want to talk or vent, im just a pm away!
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Salaam sister,
Yes I talked with his father , brothers and sister but it didn't work...
 
I think there is a lot of misunderstanding going on due to cultural differences. Although it doesn't have to be that way if both sides try their best to understand each other. Inshallah talk to the imam about what your facing, feeling and thinking of. Also, make dua that Allah makes way for you in what is best for you inshallah.
 
Barbarahajar said:
Salaam...well yes we pray the 5 daily prayers even if my husband is a bit lazy. He spent a lot of free time on facebook. He has a very dirty mouth and often use bad words when he get angry and he has the habit to throw objects through the room and raise his voice. He is very short tempered. From my side I'm anxious person and I need to feel sure and safe about the daily things of life and he see that like a burden.for example I call him many times in a day or I ask him how he spend his time, we live far away now cause he works in Saudi Arabia and cause of pregnancy I'm to my family home...and he see me too controlling , but for me is just a way to share life and things , a way to be more closer. But he see my attitude like a burden.... Also often he tell me that my tone voice is not appropriate, too high...but it is just my tone voice...generally talking we don't understand each others.[emoji20]
Click to expand...

Ok, Alhamdulillah, you pray the daily prayers, that is very good. I think I can not say more than I already did - this is out of my capacity. It seems to me, that you guys need to work on yourselves and get busy with purifying the soul.

I think the only solution is to read and learn about Tazkiyah. Using bad words and being unable to control anger shows that something in the soul is going wrong. When it comes to the high voice, I don't know may be a sister can help you out with it - perhaps you raise your voice unconsciously as a reaction to his anger. I can not recommend you any lectures on Youtube or books to read in English speaking world, because I haven't read or watched anything expect my mother tongue. Maybe someone here can recommend you lectures.

May Allah bless your marriage and guide you and your husband to the right path.
 
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Zzz_ said:
I think there is a lot of misunderstanding going on due to cultural differences. Although it doesn't have to be that way if both sides try their best to understand each other. Inshallah talk to the imam about what your facing, feeling and thinking of. Also, make dua that Allah makes way for you in what is best for you inshallah.
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Insha Allah...thank you so much
 
new2010 said:
Ok, Alhamdulillah, you pray the daily prayers, that is very good. I think I can not say more than I already did - this is out of my capacity. It seems to me, that you guys need to work on yourselves and get busy with purifying the soul.

I think the only solution is to read and learn about Tazkiyah. Using bad words and being unable to control anger shows that something in the soul is going wrong. When it comes to the high voice, I don't know may be a sister can help you out with it - perhaps you raise your voice unconsciously as a reaction to his anger. I can not recommend you any lectures on Youtube or books to read in English speaking world, because I haven't read or watched anything expect my mother tongue. Maybe someone here can recommend you lectures.

May Allah bless your marriage and guide you and your husband to the right path.
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Salaam,
InshaAllah another imam can help me. I d k what is tazkiyah but I agree that when anger is like that there is something wrong in the soul. I ll try to find something in English or Italian.BTW thank you, jazak Allah...it means a lot to me [emoji4]
 
[MENTION=42790]Barbarahajar[/MENTION]:

Keep patience.
Take care of self and baby.
InshaAllah baby will change him.
 

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