Second Wife

[Hamizah]

Assalammualaikum brothers and sisters.

I am quite a Westernized Muslimah, not very religious and have quite a low level of knowledge in Islam but I do try to lead halal lifestyle as much as possible (don't eating pork, don't drink, don't smoke, don't date and etc.).
Alhamdulilah, in the recent years I have surrounded myself with more religious people and became a better practicing Muslimah but still not as religious as I hope to be (InsyaAllah one day I will be).

I met an older Muslim man (nearly a decade older) around the beginning of this year (2018). We became friends rather quickly due to common interests (Our field of studies are very closely related).
He is a much more religious Muslim than I am, he would always tell me stories from the Quran about our Prophets (Peace Be Upon him).
He is aware of how weak my knowledge in Islam is and always try to educate me and remind me of Allah (Swt).
We eventually became close friends that we would talk regularly, have dinner together regularly and he even asked me to the movies a few times but our schedule didn't match.
I started having feelings for him and I have a feeling that he is aware of it and it might have been mutual.

I performed an Istikhara prayer and I felt like the answer is "Yes". However, it was my first time performing such prayer, so I didn't want to trust my feelings since that could be very biased due to the fact I do have feelings for him and I do want the answer to be "Yes". So I decided to seek out for other signs... He made a joke about proposing to me after I performed the prayer, so I felt like the answer might really be "Yes", but for ultimate assurance, I kept performing Istikhara prayers and I kept feeling that its a "Yes".

One day he suddenly told me that he is married but his wife is living in different country. I put some distance between us when I found out about this but eventually we just became close again.

He then keep on talking about polygamy to me which at that point I really disagree to since I know that I would be very jealous and unable to handle such situation.
However, he kept bringing up the topic which always lead to a debate but he will always try very hard to convince me to accept the idea of polygamy.
I slowly came to a better understanding of polygamy and became more accepting but still prefer monogamy.

I recently had to migrate to a different country, so I had to say good bye to him. However, he kept on saying things like "our path will cross again".

After I moved away, I still think of him everyday and keep him in my prayers.
I do like him to the point that I would like to become his second wife. However, he mentioned that he wanted 4 wives, so if I do become his second wife, I know I won't be the last.
And being the kind of woman that I am, jealousy will always be my issue.
Also, I have indirectly asked my parents about their thoughts on polygamy or me becoming a second wife and they are strongly against that idea.
I have consulted a few of my close friends regarding this issue and they all also disagree with the idea of me becoming a second wife.

What do you reckon I should do? I feel like if I do go for it, my close friends and family wouldn't approve and judge me for my decisions. If I don't go for it, I feel like I would be wrong since the Istikhara prayers I performed always give me a "Yes"

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum.

The answer of istikhara actually comes in form of clue in what we see, what we hear, what we experience. If we are not aware, then we will miss the clue. And often happen too, before we perform istikhara we already had our own want that will make us ignore the clues. So, although all the clues show us that we should go to the north, we will ignore these clues and convince ourseles that the answer is we must go to the south like what we want.

Seem like this is what happen on you now.

Sis, you already fall in love with that man before you performed istikhara, don't you?.

I understand if you fall in love with him. Frankly, in my view as an experienced man in love matter, yes, that man is good in seducing a woman. He can make your heart attached to him. He can make you feel always want to be with him although you will not be the only woman beside him.

Okay, I understand. But let me ask you. During the relationship with you which he dine with you, chat with you, ... how many times he ever visited his wife?. How many time he contact his wife?. How many attention that he gives to his wife?.

And now try to ask yourselves. If you have become his second wife and he meet the third woman, can you be sure that he will not ignore you like how he ignore his wife now?.

Sister, you are not a little girl. You are an adult woman who can make the best decision with the clear mind.

 

[Hamizah]

Jazakallahu Khairan for your answer.

Thank you for clearing up my misunderstanding regarding the answer to my istikhara.

Just additional information regarding his wife, he never tells me anything about her. When we newly get to know each other, I even thought that he was single. After he decided to tell me about his actual marital status... He still refused to talk about his wife at all. Every time I would bring up the topic, he would shut it down.

However, I reckon that he does visit her from time to time since he would disappear about a few days once or twice a month, but refused to tell me where he went or who he met up with, so I'm not entirely sure. He is very secretive but would want to know everything about me. When I go out with my friends, he would ask me where I went, why I went and who I went out with, all kind of questions.

I understand all of your points, thank you once again for your advice.
Jazakallahu Khairan

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

You shouldn't continue engaging with this man especially when you are not sure where things are headed. It's unislamic, and especially because he has a wife, it's inappropriate. If he is really interested in marrying you he should make it clear and ask for your hand in marriage from your family. You should not be going out with him, speaking with him, or be with him alone. For someone who has islamic knowledge, he really isn't applying it much. Also the fact that he is being very secretive is red flag to me. The person you want to marry should be transparent when you ask him about things like that.

In regards to istikhara, even though you have feelings for this man, these feelings don't mean anything. You need to be aware of where your path is heading in terms of this potential marriage. For example, after performing istikhara, is the decision to marry this man a very clear one or are there obstacles in your way?? If it's clear, then you should not be having any doubts, fears, or obstacles. Everything should be going smoothly. If you are finding obstacles, having doubts, fears, etc. then you should leave it and move on.

And finally, in regards to being a second wife in general, there's nothing wrong with that if it's what you want to do, but you need to be strong in your decision and you need to do things islamically, the right way. Technically, you are having a relationship with this man and I don't know why there'd be any difference if you are married in terms of jealousy. He is married and you still talk to him and are trying to pursue him, and perhaps not knowing anything about his wife is what's making it easy to continue to be in contact with him, but you shouldn't walk into the marriage blindly or expect it to get any easier if he isn't being transparent about himself or intentions. He didn't make it clear that he was married in the first place and led you on. Now that you're wrapped around his finger, he's going to keep threading you along by saying the things he says, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing it to others.

 

[Hamizah]

Walaikummussalam

Jazakallahu Khairan for your answer.

Since I moved away I have actually cut down the number of times I contacted him considerably.
However, the few times that I did talk to him, he would always be suggesting about polygamy and that he wants to visit me.

However, you are right about the fact that I do not know much about his wife, so I didn't feel like it's an obstacle between me and him. Plus the fact that he led me on until I deeply fell for him before he told me he is married.

Thank you, your words have helped me confirmed my decision to give up on him. Jazakallahu Khairan once again.

Please Dua for me to be able to give up on him easily.

And thank you for help me clear up my misunderstandings about istikhara prayer.

 

[BeTheChange]

Aslamualylum,

Have you enquired about whether the first wife approves?

There is no point in persisting a path which is not meant for you. If you are serious about marrying him then the conversation should be open on both sides. There is no need to be secretive unless you are hiding something. Based on how you have described the situation I would back away because this brother was not honest from the onset. You found out he was married after he got your interest. If he was serious he should have told you right from the onset I am married and I am considering you as a second wife. Also he should not be going out on dinner dates with you without your mehram. Some people pick and choose from the deen to tailor it to thier advantage. I am not talking about this brother but in general. It all seems a bit off to me and like childplay.

If one is mature and serious they discuss this matter with the parents or guardianship.

Simple.

 

[*charisma*]

Thank you, your words have helped me confirmed my decision to give up on him. Jazakallahu Khairan once again.

Please Dua for me to be able to give up on him easily.

And thank you for help me clear up my misunderstandings about istikhara prayer.

May Allah guide you my sister, and bless you with a husband a hundred times better than this one in terms of piety, kindness, love, and honesty.

Please try to remember that when you look at a man for marriage, look at his actions and character. Try to choose someone who's actions and character would be loved by Allah. This man's actions are not of good character. Someone who wants you as a wife should be afraid and careful to keep you from doing something wrong and will be considerate of your family.

Make du'a for yourself and stay away from him. Allah inshallah will replace him with something much better. Never lose hope in that

 

[Hamizah]

Walaikummussalam

I'm not very sure whether he has his wife's approval or not. However, he always mention that he wants 4 wives and a husband doesn't need the permission of the first wife to marry more. So I guess from what he mentioned, he might have never even bring up the topic to his wife at all. Like I said earlier that he refuses to let on any information about his wife, so I really have no idea.

Thank you very much for ur answer
Jazakallahu Khairan

- - - Updated - - -

Ameen!
Jazakallahu Khairan!

I grew up in non-Muslim community, so I lack a lot of knowledge, my parents are also not very religious. Most of the advices I get are from non-Islamic point of view, so thank you for ur answers.
Will keep ur words in mind.

 

[Alamgir]

Assalammualaikum brothers and sisters.

I am quite a Westernized Muslimah, not very religious and have quite a low level of knowledge in Islam but I do try to lead halal lifestyle as much as possible (don't eating pork, don't drink, don't smoke, don't date and etc.).
Alhamdulilah, in the recent years I have surrounded myself with more religious people and became a better practicing Muslimah but still not as religious as I hope to be (InsyaAllah one day I will be).

I met an older Muslim man (nearly a decade older) around the beginning of this year (2018). We became friends rather quickly due to common interests (Our field of studies are very closely related).
He is a much more religious Muslim than I am, he would always tell me stories from the Quran about our Prophets (Peace Be Upon him).
He is aware of how weak my knowledge in Islam is and always try to educate me and remind me of Allah (Swt).
We eventually became close friends that we would talk regularly, have dinner together regularly and he even asked me to the movies a few times but our schedule didn't match.
I started having feelings for him and I have a feeling that he is aware of it and it might have been mutual.

I performed an Istikhara prayer and I felt like the answer is "Yes". However, it was my first time performing such prayer, so I didn't want to trust my feelings since that could be very biased due to the fact I do have feelings for him and I do want the answer to be "Yes". So I decided to seek out for other signs... He made a joke about proposing to me after I performed the prayer, so I felt like the answer might really be "Yes", but for ultimate assurance, I kept performing Istikhara prayers and I kept feeling that its a "Yes".

One day he suddenly told me that he is married but his wife is living in different country. I put some distance between us when I found out about this but eventually we just became close again.

He then keep on talking about polygamy to me which at that point I really disagree to since I know that I would be very jealous and unable to handle such situation.
However, he kept bringing up the topic which always lead to a debate but he will always try very hard to convince me to accept the idea of polygamy.
I slowly came to a better understanding of polygamy and became more accepting but still prefer monogamy.

I recently had to migrate to a different country, so I had to say good bye to him. However, he kept on saying things like "our path will cross again".

After I moved away, I still think of him everyday and keep him in my prayers.
I do like him to the point that I would like to become his second wife. However, he mentioned that he wanted 4 wives, so if I do become his second wife, I know I won't be the last.
And being the kind of woman that I am, jealousy will always be my issue.
Also, I have indirectly asked my parents about their thoughts on polygamy or me becoming a second wife and they are strongly against that idea.
I have consulted a few of my close friends regarding this issue and they all also disagree with the idea of me becoming a second wife.

What do you reckon I should do? I feel like if I do go for it, my close friends and family wouldn't approve and judge me for my decisions. If I don't go for it, I feel like I would be wrong since the Istikhara prayers I performed always give me a "Yes"

Asalamu Alaikum

If you have even a shred of doubt that you would be able to put up with polygamy, don't do it.

Only take part in it if you are 100% sure you will not get jealous. It's also best to talk with the other wife to see if she is okay with it.