Should i marry a non-muslim that wants to convert?

[phoenix_roads]

Salaam,

this is my first post and i don't know how conservative this forum is so go easy on me please, jazakallahu khairan. I like this guy, he is non-muslim and he wants to convert to Islam. However I have no way to know if he truly is converting for me or for Allah. I just assume the best. Would it be a bad idea to marry him after he converts? He has very very good character and is extremely polite. Only thing is he doesn't live an Islamic lifestyle (obviously since he's not muslim). He drinks once in awhile, watches porn once in awhile, goes to concerts once in awhile. Despite this, he is a very kind person and I hope he gets true hidayah of Islam because he is so careful not to hurt anyone's feelings and I really admire that about him. I've never heard him insult or say anything bad about anyone or be harsh to anyone ever which is a rare quality nowadays.

I've been giving him Islamic material and he wants to take his shahadah soon. Would you advise me not to marry this person after he converts? Obviously his parents aren't muslim so i'm worried about that... and he is a newbie so he doesn't know much at all and I would very much like to raise my kids in an upright way. I try to be as conservative as possible for example, not watch tv movies or listen to music so I'm not sure if my kids will end up confused because he likes to watch violent and sexual anime.... (I have no idea why). I met him because I wear niqab and he was curious and started asking me some questions about islam, but I think he just wanted to flirt with me to be honest, but now it seems like he is seriously thinking about converting and says he likes how islam has a gameplan and structure for everything and he needs that in his life. He also had some depression issues 5 years back, tried to kill himself with overdosing on lithium but he is stable now and is a counselor and is very considerate to other people and uses his own experience to give people advice and therapy.

I'm also super attracted to him, not so much his looks but just his demeanor. I can't help it. I know it's wrong but I've never been so attracted to someone before in my life which is why i'm posting this on a forum because Im worried if I dont marry him I will just always be thinking about him. Ugh. Please give me some advice brothers and sisters. he is so serious yet so sweet and that is exactly what I find attractive in a guy and most guys nowadays aren't serious or sweet and considerate. He said he will propose to me after he converts. Should I accept or no? Thank you so much. May Allah bless you all.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

It looks like you made your own mind. Why bother asking random people you don't know to make your own life's decisions.

 

[MazharShafiq]

Salaam,

this is my first post and i don't know how conservative this forum is so go easy on me please, jazakallahu khairan. I like this guy, he is non-muslim and he wants to convert to Islam. However I have no way to know if he truly is converting for me or for Allah. I just assume the best. Would it be a bad idea to marry him after he converts? He has very very good character and is extremely polite. Only thing is he doesn't live an Islamic lifestyle (obviously since he's not muslim). He drinks once in awhile, watches porn once in awhile, goes to concerts once in awhile. Despite this, he is a very kind person and I hope he gets true hidayah of Islam because he is so careful not to hurt anyone's feelings and I really admire that about him. I've never heard him insult or say anything bad about anyone or be harsh to anyone ever which is a rare quality nowadays.

I've been giving him Islamic material and he wants to take his shahadah soon. Would you advise me not to marry this person after he converts? Obviously his parents aren't muslim so i'm worried about that... and he is a newbie so he doesn't know much at all and I would very much like to raise my kids in an upright way. I try to be as conservative as possible for example, not watch tv movies or listen to music so I'm not sure if my kids will end up confused because he likes to watch violent and sexual anime.... (I have no idea why). I met him because I wear niqab and he was curious and started asking me some questions about islam, but I think he just wanted to flirt with me to be honest, but now it seems like he is seriously thinking about converting and says he likes how islam has a gameplan and structure for everything and he needs that in his life. He also had some depression issues 5 years back, tried to kill himself with overdosing on lithium but he is stable now and is a counselor and is very considerate to other people and uses his own experience to give people advice and therapy.

I'm also super attracted to him, not so much his looks but just his demeanor. I can't help it. I know it's wrong but I've never been so attracted to someone before in my life which is why i'm posting this on a forum because Im worried if I dont marry him I will just always be thinking about him. Ugh. Please give me some advice brothers and sisters. he is so serious yet so sweet and that is exactly what I find attractive in a guy and most guys nowadays aren't serious or sweet and considerate. He said he will propose to me after he converts. Should I accept or no? Thank you so much. May Allah bless you all.

I think you should to meet those scholar who will be convert him to islam .and give sometime to learn about islam .if scholars feel that he is sincere and honest to you then you will be able to merry him.its my opinion .

 

[Cptn._.Mario]

Saw the exact same thread on ummah forum

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Walikum Salam Wr wb

His violent porn addiction is very disturbing but that can change once he's converted and single guys usually fall more prey to satan in terms of unrestricted desires so there is hope marraige will make him give up that weird stuff

He seems to be an open guy I.e. he'd tell you anything about him, so tell him that conversion just to marry you won't be a real conversion and whether he really believes Islam from the heart. If he says yes he really believes then I'd say go for it on a few conditions:

1. He gives up drinking
2 he gives up watching porn
3. No matter what happens (I.e. if he decides to revert to kufr in future ) your kids will be brought up as Muslims.

If he agrees to them then you got nothing to lose and you could be saving this guy from hell as even if his faith isn't all that firm to begin with, the more he practices Islam, true Iman can enter the heart

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I think you should to meet those scholar who will be convert him to islam .and give sometime to learn about islam .if scholars feel that he is sincere and honest to you then you will be able to merry him.its my opinion .

The Scholars can take him through all the beliefs he must have, however if he says he believes them then only Allah can judge someone's heart so we have to take his word for it

 

[CuriousonTruth]

His violent porn addiction is very disturbing but that can change once he's converted

Very naive thinking. It may be possible if there was some significant spiritual Renaissance in him, but this conversion has nothing to do with that.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Very naive thinking. It may be possible if there was some significant spiritual Renaissance in him, but this conversion has nothing to do with that.

Yeah but look at the alternative, they don't marry and she can't help thinking about this non-mahram man; will she be happy with another man?; what if she can't help think about this one while being married to another?

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Yeah but look at the alternative, they don't marry and she can't help thinking about this non-mahram man; will she be happy with another man?; what if she can't help think about this one while being married to another?

I didn't mention anything about marriage. That is 'her' (if 'she' isn't a troll) personal decision, not mine.

What I am saying is that this conversion has nothing to do with his spirituality, so his behaviour and lifestyle will remain same, so he will most likely keep drinking and watching adult videos because there is no spiritual awakening here.

 

[*charisma*]

I'm also super attracted to him, not so much his looks but just his demeanor. I can't help it. I know it's wrong but I've never been so attracted to someone before in my life which is why i'm posting this on a forum because Im worried if I dont marry him I will just always be thinking about him. Ugh. Please give me some advice brothers and sisters. he is so serious yet so sweet and that is exactly what I find attractive in a guy and most guys nowadays aren't serious or sweet and considerate. He said he will propose to me after he converts. Should I accept or no? Thank you so much. May Allah bless you all.

Walaikum Assalaam

The reason you are attracted to him is because you have crossed the lines of what is acceptable. Of course were it anyone else you had crossed the lines for you would feel the same way. This person is no different. If you already logically know that there is something wrong with how you feel and what you're doing, then the obvious solution is to just stop doing it. The fact that you know so much about him means that your conversations have went from small talk to casual to intimate which is exactly what shaytaan does. Now you believe he is the person you want to marry without any real logic or basis for your feelings.

If he converts, that is great. However, he should not be your business anymore. There is still a long process after he converts for him to actually learn Islam, live a halal lifestyle and leave his past, and finally to actually propose to you properly based on Islamic principals instead of casual sexual interest or curiosity. When infatuation happens--which is exactly what this is--then you'll be trying your best to see his positive qualities to justify your feelings. Besides that he is still a kaafir, he probably also has a mental illness history, and seems quite involved with a haraam lifestyle. This is not going to work out. You are already talking about having kids with this person when he hasn't even converted. He's only shown interest in Islam and made a joke about proposing to you. I think you need to chill a bit and remove yourself from the haram you've involved yourself in. You are stealing from your future marriage by involving yourself with this person. I can already tell you are probably young or inexperienced/naiive, so if you truly want to marry someone, you need to take marriage a bit more seriously than this and carry yourself with a bit of weight.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

I didn't mention anything about marriage. That is 'her' (if 'she' isn't a troll) personal decision, not mine.

What I am saying is that this conversion has nothing to do with his spirituality, so his behaviour and lifestyle will remain same, so he will most likely keep drinking and watching adult videos because there is no spiritual awakening here.

He seems to be already half way there regarding 'renaissance'. Many practicing Muslims don't even have the super-polite ever so careful not to hurt peoples feelings disposition bro

And he's said Islam will do him good so I think he intends to practice it plus he'll know that such a pious woman as OP wouldn't accept anything less then a practicing guy, so here's all the reasons to be optimistic

 

[xboxisdead]

Walaikum Assalaam

The reason you are attracted to him is because you have crossed the lines of what is acceptable. Of course were it anyone else you had crossed the lines for you would feel the same way. This person is no different. If you already logically know that there is something wrong with how you feel and what you're doing, then the obvious solution is to just stop doing it. The fact that you know so much about him means that your conversations have went from small talk to casual to intimate which is exactly what shaytaan does. Now you believe he is the person you want to marry without any real logic or basis for your feelings.

If he converts, that is great. However, he should not be your business anymore. There is still a long process after he converts for him to actually learn Islam, live a halal lifestyle and leave his past, and finally to actually propose to you properly based on Islamic principals instead of casual sexual interest or curiosity. When infatuation happens--which is exactly what this is--then you'll be trying your best to see his positive qualities to justify your feelings. Besides that he is still a kaafir, he probably also has a mental illness history, and seems quite involved with a haraam lifestyle. This is not going to work out. You are already talking about having kids with this person when he hasn't even converted. He's only shown interest in Islam and made a joke about proposing to you. I think you need to chill a bit and remove yourself from the haram you've involved yourself in. You are stealing from your future marriage by involving yourself with this person. I can already tell you are probably young or inexperienced/naiive, so if you truly want to marry someone, you need to take marriage a bit more seriously than this and carry yourself with a bit of weight.

I wish men and women take marriage seriously :hmm::hmm:imsad

 

[xboxisdead]

I take it too seriously that I know I am not marriage material that I would rather be virgin and single (and not fulfill my desires and ego) then go ahead and getting married. I prefer dying single and no lineage then bring life in this world and I am unfit spouse and parent.

I am a man.

I am surprised majority of women in this world are not Picasso when it comes to taking marriage seriously.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

He seems to be already half way there regarding 'renaissance'. Many practicing Muslims don't even have the super-polite ever so careful not to hurt peoples feelings disposition bro

And he's said Islam will do him good so I think he intends to practice it plus he'll know that such a pious woman as OP wouldn't accept anything less then a practicing guy, so here's all the reasons to be optimistic

Uh huh. A lot of atheists are "polite". Who cares? That is not Islam nor spirituality.

As for the rest, I am sure you know a few such marriages which ended up in divorce where man "converts" for marriage.

Things like "love" are temporary effects. So what happens when the effect wears off?

I think we all know how this is going to end up in.

 

[anatolian]

Islamically you cannot marry a nonmuslim so yes you should wait until he converts. But once he converts I wouldnt make it a matter of doubt whether he converts for you or for Allah. If he is a muslim he is a muslim.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Uh huh. A lot of atheists are "polite". Who cares? That is not Islam nor spirituality.

As for the rest, I am sure you know a few such marriages which ended up in divorce where man "converts" for marriage.

Things like "love" are temporary effects. So what happens when the effect wears off?

I think we all know how this is going to end up in.

That's an unIslamic way to go about it bro. Being optimistic is basically having hope and we have to hope that every Muslim will be good.

What we say is a sort of prayer too, so if we're pessimistic this can effect the brother

If this Sister weren't so much into him then my advice would possibly be, leave him, however since she's sort of madly in love then the best is to HOPE it turns out well!

 

[CuriousonTruth]

If this Sister weren't so much into him then my advice would possibly be, leave him, however since she's sort of madly in love then the best is to HOPE it turns out well!

The "sister" shouldn't have been so close to a stranger in the first place.

I mean I think even in secular couples information about what kind adult videos they prefer is not divulged easily. Things like these are kept private even in secular couples for the most part.

Things like these are kept in wraps until the relation moves to a further level.

And think about this, if she is "religious" and conservative, and the man wants to marry her for those qualities why would he have just say openly admit to his interest in adult videos. It would have made more sense to hide it.

The "sister" talked about having righteous children, she should have lived a more righteous life herself.

 

[phoenix_roads]

That's an unIslamic way to go about it bro. Being optimistic is basically having hope and we have to hope that every Muslim will be good.

What we say is a sort of prayer too, so if we're pessimistic this can effect the brother

If this Sister weren't so much into him then my advice would possibly be, leave him, however since she's sort of madly in love then the best is to HOPE it turns out well!

Thank you for your kindness Abdurrahman. If only more Muslims would take heed. Negative assumption is a sin and you're supposed to make 70 excuses for fellow muslims but most muslims will not even make one and are quick to find faults You are different so may Allah reward you for that. I think that's another reason why I like him, I am so used to muslims having bad character. Alhamdullilah, I asked him about his bad habits so I can give him tailored Islamic information that will help him. This is the reason he divulged information about alcohol and porn. And yes he discussed marrying me and I didn't stop him and that might have been wrong of me, though I did not flirt myself. In shaa Allah the positives of him converting will outweigh any harm done. And if Allah saves him from the hellfire through me, it's a tremendous honor and blessing. He said he's going to keep reading and will in shaa Allah take his shahadah on the first day of Ramadan. In shaa Allah everything will work out well. Thanks again brother

 

[*charisma*]

Thank you for your kindness Abdurrahman. If only more Muslims would take heed. Negative assumption is a sin and you're supposed to make 70 excuses for fellow muslims but most muslims will not even make one and are quick to find faults You are different so may Allah reward you for that. I think that's another reason why I like him, I am so used to muslims having bad character. Alhamdullilah, I asked him about his bad habits so I can give him tailored Islamic information that will help him. This is the reason he divulged information about alcohol and porn. And yes he discussed marrying me and I didn't stop him and that might have been wrong of me, though I did not flirt myself. In shaa Allah the positives of him converting will outweigh any harm done. And if Allah saves him from the hellfire through me, it's a tremendous honor and blessing. He said he's going to keep reading and will in shaa Allah take his shahadah on the first day of Ramadan. In shaa Allah everything will work out well. Thanks again brother

We cannot make an excuse for something you've admitted to doing already. You admitted to the conversations you've had with the person, the lifestyle this person has, etc. I understand you are looking for advice, and what we're advising you is what is islamically sound. If you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, then that is another story. You said that you don't know whether this person is going to convert for you or for Allah, and you said that you don't know the outcome of what the marriage will be if you chose to get married. In any scenario, the proper Islamic thing to do, the way to get Allah's blessing, the way to preserve your honor and chasity, is to LEAVE the relationship and the haram that you are doing, and if it is meant to be then Allah will make it happen under better circumstances. This person could become a better Muslim than you, inshallah that he does, but if you pursue this as a haram relationship then you are causing yourself and him to sin and furthermore, you can't expect it to possibly work out when you're being driven by feelings and not logic. If Allah wills this a future for you, then wait until he becomes a Muslim on his own, truly understands Islam and what an Islamic marriage is, and then considers you based on that perspective as a proper potential wife to propose to. But before any of that happens, you need to forget about it.

 

[phoenix_roads]

We cannot make an excuse for something you've admitted to doing already. You admitted to the conversations you've had with the person, the lifestyle this person has, etc. I understand you are looking for advice, and what we're advising you is what is islamically sound. If you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, then that is another story. You said that you don't know whether this person is going to convert for you or for Allah, and you said that you don't know the outcome of what the marriage will be if you chose to get married. In any scenario, the proper Islamic thing to do, the way to get Allah's blessing, the way to preserve your honor and chasity, is to LEAVE the relationship and the haram that you are doing, and if it is meant to be then Allah will make it happen under better circumstances. This person could become a better Muslim than you, inshallah that he does, but if you pursue this as a haram relationship then you are causing yourself and him to sin and furthermore, you can't expect it to possibly work out when you're being driven by feelings and not logic. If Allah wills this a future for you, then wait until he becomes a Muslim on his own, truly understands Islam and what an Islamic marriage is, and then considers you based on that perspective as a proper potential wife to propose to. But before any of that happens, you need to forget about it.

70 excuses are made for your brothers and sisters in islam as to why they were committing a sin so not to assume negatively of their character (if talking to give someone islamic material that he asked for with the right intention can even be called a sin) this was the way of the messenger of Allah alaihi salatu wasalaam. But i appreciate your advice regardless. I am not here to argue. May Allah bless you and preserve you and refine your character to the noble anbiya alaihi salaam of Allah. And to myself as well.

Also the comment i made brother or sister was not directed towards you so don't take it harshly. Rather someone accused me of getting into perverted discussions to know about his alcohol/ porn habits where this never occured. Rather i asked him what his bad habits were so i can give him relevant Islamic information as to how he can fix it. This is what I meant by you should make 70 excuses as to why your brothers and sisters did something and not assume negatively of them. Salaam.

 

[*charisma*]

70 excuses are made for your brothers and sisters in islam as to why they were committing a sin so not to assume negatively of their character (if talking to give someone islamic material that he asked for with the right intention can even be called a sin) this was the way of the messenger of Allah alaihi salatu wasalaam. But i appreciate your advice regardless. I am not here to argue. May Allah bless you and preserve you and refine your character to the noble anbiya alaihi salaam of Allah. And to myself as well.

Also the comment i made brother or sister was not directed towards you so don't take it harshly. Rather someone accused me of getting into perverted discussions to know about his alcohol/ porn habits where this never occured. Rather i asked him what his bad habits were so i can give him relevant Islamic information as to how he can fix it. This is what I meant by you should make 70 excuses as to why your brothers and sisters did something and not assume negatively of them. Salaam.

Sis we understand where you are coming from. This has nothing to do with making excuses for you. I understand that your intention was in the right place, we all do. WE know that you want to give dawah and you want this person to be guided to Islam. Excellent. We understand that part of it. No one is arguing against you in that regard. However, now that you have done what you intended, you have to leave the rest to Allah because you've fallen into sin and you don't want it to get worse and for Allah's wrath to be upon you. When I tell you to think logically about this, what I mean is that ok this person, let's say he really is good person and let's say he really is interested in Islam, and you really do like him and would wish to marry him if he becomes a proper Muslim, so IF and WHEN that happens, if you continue on the path that you are going on now, then your feelings will become stronger and it may very well be possible that while he is a Muslim trying to navigate everything, you aid him in committing premarital sins by having contact with you, as well as harming your own soul with sins as well. It may even happen before he converts and then there'd really be no point at all for your relationship by then; you'd have committed sins with a kaafir and moreso you have led him away from Islam with sins rather than doing the correct thing and being exemplary as a Muslim woman.

Your feelings can only increase from here unless he harms you to the point where you do not want him no matter how attractive he is. So which is more likely do you think? You should not get to the point where your feelings cloud your judgement and iman, but it is heading there if it is not already there. It has nothing to do with judging you as a person. You are human just like any of us and under these circumstance you are harming your self by giving into your desires. So yes we understand that you have had good intentions, but we also have to emphasize that the direction you are moving is not the correct one. With one good intention it is possible to commit 100 wrongs, if you've done the action you intended which was to give him Islamic material and talk to him about Islam, then keep your intention pure and leave it as that. You will not lose him if he truly is sincere in his words and it is in your destiny to marry him, but the only way to really know that is if you leave it up to Allah and put your trust in Him.