My mother is controlling and its driving me insane

[Studentofdeed]

I having trouble with my parents. I am respectful to them and I always do everything with their permission and tell them everything. Yet it drives me insane they are nonstop keeping tabs on me. My mother is always controlling and possessive. She will not let me travel alone and says I'm not mature. Because I am fool and trust people too easily she says. My father really doesnt care and says no to me and was never there for me when I grew up and needed him. He always beat me and insulted me while i grew up. I asked him why he does this and he says I want you to be a man in this world. The prophet (saw) never treated his children and grandchildren this way. I always feel bad when I see father's lovely towards their children. My father is better than most but he is stil very cold. My mother seems doesnt want me to get married. She still thinks I'm immature and a fool. The girl I met had a family that didnt have halal business so my mom said no. So I didnt pursue it but then the imam's wife told me inshallah they will find a religous woman who is good for me. The imam says I'm like a son to them. Yet my mom got very angry when I told her. I never told the imam wife to look a wife for me but they started looking for me on their own. My mom Is saying you are not ready and making a bunch of excuses. I am 23 years old and I know what I am doing. But she says the imam will pressurize you to marrying a bad woman and u will stuck in a bad marriage. She says i will find you a perfect wife but when I ask her how will she find me one? She says she doesnt know and not right now. It's not her intention to even look for one for me. My brother is 30 and my mom hasnt even found a wife for him. So this is why I'm worried. My parents have definitely failed as they didnt teach me about Islam when I was young and neglected when I was young. Please advise me and tell me if what I am doing is wrong?

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It almost feels as if my parents do not even trust me...and it's really insulting. Most children do not even tell a single to their parents. The fact I tell them every detail and never lie is still insulting when they keep tabs on me and never let do things.

 

[Al_Ghazali]

Their lack of emotional support and general neglect of you has obviously left you in an insecure state. But they are not to be solely blamed here, as your own lack of self-worth has ensured that the relationship dynamics never change.

Since you do "everything with their permission and tell them everything," they expect a son who lacks confidence in himself and is completely subservient to them. How do you expect them to trust you when you don't trust yourself?

Naturally, they've gotten so used to the status quo, that any small objection by you is heavily shut down, as it is seen as a threat to the current relationship dynamics.

Perhaps you need to work on your self-worth and improve your self-image, and leave the rest to Allah. Learn to value and love yourself, and that will manifest in your external relationships.

 

[Studentofdeed]

I tell them everything because I am trying to be a good son. I have been through alot in my life which led to me low self esteem. Eveytime I make a small mistake they insantenouly rub it on my face. Tell me what am I doing wrong? Are my parents wronging me ? Is it so bad that I'm trying to get personal space and freedom?

 

[Al_Ghazali]

I tell them everything because I am trying to be a good son. I have been through alot in my life which led to me low self esteem. Eveytime I make a small mistake they insantenouly rub it on my face. Tell me what am I doing wrong? Are my parents wronging me ? Is it so bad that I'm trying to get personal space and freedom?

I don't see how you telling them everything makes you a good son. Respect them? Sure. Be kind to them? You betcha! But divulge to them every piece of information that occurs in your life? Where is the good in that? All you're doing is passing on information. Know that Allah is your Lord, and that some things should remain private between you and Him.

Neither you nor your parents are in the wrong. You must understand that your current relationship with your parents is a culmination of all other experiences and interactions that you've had with them. The dynamics that are now in place have been there ever since you left your mother's womb.

The only way to change these dynamics is to do things differently. Naturally, if you insist on telling them everything and doing everything else that you've always done, nothing will change. You'll need to find a way to assert yourself, but it must be done confidently.

Since you have low self-esteem, it's imperative that you improve your self-worth, and become more confident in yourself. Otherwise, your life will forever be a reflection of your low self-esteem.

 

[xboxisdead]

I having trouble with my parents. I am respectful to them and I always do everything with their permission and tell them everything. Yet it drives me insane they are nonstop keeping tabs on me. My mother is always controlling and possessive. She will not let me travel alone and says I'm not mature. Because I am fool and trust people too easily she says. My father really doesnt care and says no to me and was never there for me when I grew up and needed him. He always beat me and insulted me while i grew up. I asked him why he does this and he says I want you to be a man in this world. The prophet (saw) never treated his children and grandchildren this way. I always feel bad when I see father's lovely towards their children. My father is better than most but he is stil very cold. My mother seems doesnt want me to get married. She still thinks I'm immature and a fool. The girl I met had a family that didnt have halal business so my mom said no. So I didnt pursue it but then the imam's wife told me inshallah they will find a religous woman who is good for me. The imam says I'm like a son to them. Yet my mom got very angry when I told her. I never told the imam wife to look a wife for me but they started looking for me on their own. My mom Is saying you are not ready and making a bunch of excuses. I am 23 years old and I know what I am doing. But she says the imam will pressurize you to marrying a bad woman and u will stuck in a bad marriage. She says i will find you a perfect wife but when I ask her how will she find me one? She says she doesnt know and not right now. It's not her intention to even look for one for me. My brother is 30 and my mom hasnt even found a wife for him. So this is why I'm worried. My parents have definitely failed as they didnt teach me about Islam when I was young and neglected when I was young. Please advise me and tell me if what I am doing is wrong?

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It almost feels as if my parents do not even trust me...and it's really insulting. Most children do not even tell a single to their parents. The fact I tell them every detail and never lie is still insulting when they keep tabs on me and never let do things.

By Allah, by Allah, by Allah, I swear in my inner heart, by Allah, when I first read this title "My mother is controlling and its driving me insane" I thought it was a sister complaining. I THOUGHT IT WAS A FEMALE. I THOUGHT IT IS A WOMAN! By Allah, I swear that is the first thought that entered my head and when I looked at your profile and saw you are a male...my eyes went round and my jaw dropped. Dude!! You are the daughter that your mother never had!! How do you get out of that cycle is a very difficult task...but you need to affirm your assertiveness and get out of the house and show your independence and keep things private to yourself. Your mother does not need to know every single bit of detail. I hope you do not tell how you wash your body after you use the toilet. There are certain things where you should keep things for yourself. Learn to be a man. Your lack of ability to be a man goes shoulder exclusively on your father. If anything...if I was you...I would put 49% of the issue on your father and 51% on yourself for not changing the narrative.

You are living in toxic environment and the best thing is to leave the house. There is no sin or kufir for leaving the house of your mother or father...show you are grown up, by working, and renting an apartment and move out. Secure your independence from your parents and one more thing...seek therapy! I am not joking...seek therapy fast and cure your mind first so that your body will follow.

 

[Studentofdeed]

It hasnt been easy but too be honest...I cant. They religiously and emotionally blackmail me. I love them and obviously will always forgive them but my father is part responsible for majority of the mess in my life. He was never present in my life. Always working abroad not because he had to but because he chose to. He enjoyed exploring and traveling the world and often rarely takes us with him. He is very cold and selfish. He does have empathy but primarily only for his mother, siblings, and nephews and nieces. Its heartbreaking but he has always neglected me and often makes fun of me for being emotional or telling me to be a man when I complain he was never loving towards me. I still have vivid memories of him beating me when I was young. He never hit me severely or alot but at times he still hit me. Now he doesnt because I'm bigger and older but I still have strong resentment for him. I'm always a disappointment to him. He compares me to other kids and scolds and says I'm useless. He isnt proud that I have good manners, honest, good at school, or even religous. It's never enough for him. Yet in front of others he pretends to have such care for me using me as an emotional prop yet during my tough times he wouldn't even show any sign of remorse towards me. He is part of the reason why I wasnt religious when I was young because his actions disgusted and pushed me away

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And everytime I get upset and try to explain that they are doing wrong by me...they say you call yourself a Muslim but ur getting angry and not following Islam. You have to respect me...I respect them but does that mean I cant get upset when I'm being put through nonsense? The imam wife was looking a wife for me...but my dad made an issue and called them and said he isnt ready for marriage. If he hasnt gotten my brother married who is 30 and has a job how will he get me.married? My sister had to find her own spouse by herself. This is why I'm worried and frustrated. I'm making constant dua but now I just feel like I'm cursed

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

My brother none of us know the ins and outs of your story except what you have just revealed to us but what I would say to you is that obviously our parents are human and fallible but whatever they're approach towards you and your siblings then they do it with an incomparable love for you. A love so deep that when our parents are gone we will long for such a deep love again. We will wish for just a moment with them and will long to meet them again in Jannah - insha'Allah.

Nothing is comparable to the love Allah puts in the hearts of a mother for her children. Even though you are grown up then your Mother still sees you as her beloved child and only wants the best for you. However this does not mean we cannot advise them with love, patience and humility. However we must never get angry with them or even say "uff" out of frustration. The only time we are allowed to disobey our parents is if they ask us to do something which disobeys Allah and goes out of the boundaries acceptable in our Deen.

The story that comes to my mind is that of Owais Qarni. He served his Mother all his life and was even prevented in meeting the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) due to his Mother needing him. However in the eyes of Allah due to his loyal committed service to his Mother he was given the status of a Sahaba because of his longing to meet the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) and being prevented due to his Mother needing him. His status was such that even the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) told Umar (Ra) to seek him out in the coming years and even described him to Umar (Ra) and asked him to get Owais to supplicate for him because of his status in front of Allah. Please read his story:

The story of Owais Qarni

http://www.arabnews.com/node/930256/islam-perspective

So serve your parents loyally and with commitment particularly your mother as much as you can and know that it pleases Allah greatly like nothing else. Once our parents are gone we will surely long for them again. Surely we are under the wings of protection due to their Dua's. SubhanAllah we should be seeking out they're Dua's daily for they are so powerful. We must never allow our ego's and whispers of shaythan to out any resentment into our hearts for them but think to ourselves that in our patience and commitment to them that we are seeking the pleasure of Allah.

So ask of Allah during these blessed nights to give you patience and to make you committed and loyal to your parents for his pleasure. I once heard a brother cry during Tahajjud prayer at the Masjid during the last 10 Nights of Ramadan and asked him if he was ok and he said: "I cried profusely to Allah due to my deep love for my parents particularly my Mother knowing that one day they will be taken away from me". SubhanAllah

Please watch this touching clip:

 

[Al_Ghazali]

It hasnt been easy but too be honest...I cant. They religiously and emotionally blackmail me. I love them and obviously will always forgive them but my father is part responsible for majority of the mess in my life. He was never present in my life. Always working abroad not because he had to but because he chose to. He enjoyed exploring and traveling the world and often rarely takes us with him. He is very cold and selfish. He does have empathy but primarily only for his mother, siblings, and nephews and nieces. Its heartbreaking but he has always neglected me and often makes fun of me for being emotional or telling me to be a man when I complain he was never loving towards me. I still have vivid memories of him beating me when I was young. He never hit me severely or alot but at times he still hit me. Now he doesnt because I'm bigger and older but I still have strong resentment for him. I'm always a disappointment to him. He compares me to other kids and scolds and says I'm useless. He isnt proud that I have good manners, honest, good at school, or even religous. It's never enough for him. Yet in front of others he pretends to have such care for me using me as an emotional prop yet during my tough times he wouldn't even show any sign of remorse towards me. He is part of the reason why I wasnt religious when I was young because his actions disgusted and pushed me away

You must understand that all humans have been conditioned by their environments to think and react to life in particular ways. For example, boys born without fathers tend to grow up angry and react violently to the world. Girls who grow up with lack of a father figure tend to be more promiscuous than other girls.

You may think that your father doesn't love you, but it could be that his love for you may be enormous.

It's simply a case of him not knowing how to love. He sees his own lack of self worth in you. He cannot love that, and nor can you. Know that you are a soul created by your Lord. Behind all the personal aspects that make up the physical and mental character of a human is the everlasting spirit.

You must have compassion for yourself and your parents. They, as you, are products of their childhood. Hidden behind all that ego and human weakness is the soul that Allah breathed into man. Learn to focus on this Truth, because its knowledge is the only way you can truly love yourself and your parents.

And everytime I get upset and try to explain that they are doing wrong by me...they say you call yourself a Muslim but ur getting angry and not following Islam. You have to respect me...I respect them but does that mean I cant get upset when I'm being put through nonsense? The imam wife was looking a wife for me...but my dad made an issue and called them and said he isnt ready for marriage. If he hasnt gotten my brother married who is 30 and has a job how will he get me.married? My sister had to find her own spouse by herself. This is why I'm worried and frustrated. I'm making constant dua but now I just feel like I'm cursed

But Allah already answered your duas, as Allah is swift in responding to His servants. You are blocking these blessings from manifesting in your life because you have done nothing to change your own perception of things. Your excuse is "I can't." As the Qur'an says:

13:11- Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.

You pray to Allah, but you are always "worried and frustrated." Those who are grateful and have complete trust in their Lord have nothing to worry about, and they are always in a state of contentment, because Allah is sufficient for them.

You must change, or nothing will change for you.