To be honest people i was never a true believer, almost every hardship ends up being a failure as i keep increasing in kufr, i did things to the book of allah that no one ever thought of doing, i blatantly cursed him and his creation (including me), wishing my death, staying away from relatives.
I'm really at a low point where i honestly don't know if i will ever be forgiven, i'm just at his mercy right now whether he wants to bestow it upon me or not but i just keep thinking, is it really, after all that i've done (i really can't think of anything more disgraceful done to the lord which i did most of them). At the time of anger i say things that shouldn't be said.
How can he forgive such an ignorant soul ? i've done too much, how can he forgive me? i just can't comprehend such feat.
I get that he forgives mountains of sins in an instant but you got to understand that the things i did to him were just too great ( in my thinking ) how and why would he just instantly wipe everything off, a clean slate.
All i can say at this moment is that i really deserve hell.
Assalamu Alaikum.
My brother for you to come here and share all of your pains and burdens is a sign of your sorrow and pain with regards to your sins. But however much we feel in despair we must never lose hope that we can change and turn things around. The only thing stopping us from making the necessary changes is ourselves and the whispers of our enemy shaythan. Truly every moment we breathe is an opportunity for greatness in that we can sincerely repent and begin a life of trying our best to attain the pleasure of Allah. So what you can do is the following:
Ensure that you are in ritual purity and make 2 raka'h Salatul Tawbah:
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said:
“There is no one who commits a sin then purifies himself well and stands and prays two rak’ahs, then asks Allaah for forgiveness, but Allaah will forgive him. Then he recited this verse: ‘And those who, when they have committed Faahishah (illegal sexual intercourse) or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allaah and ask forgiveness for their sins; — and none can forgive sins but Allaah — and do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know’ [Aal ‘Imraan 3:135].” (Abu Dawood)
After this prayer repent sincerely to Allah, open your heart unto him, cry and beg of him for forgiveness then have hope of his mercy. At the same time make a firm resolve never to repeat your major sins again. In doing this you need to also tackle the core issue that led to such sins to ensure they don't happen again.
See a Raqi who will possibly prescribe Ruqya upon you (Having certain verses of the Quran recited upon you according to the Sunnah). I say this because you mentioned doing acts of life against the Quran and Allah by cursing which may indicate some symptoms of black magic. Therefore It is best to at least establish whether you have any magic done on you or not. You can go about this by looking for a reliable Raqi (the one who practices Ruqya according to the Sunnah) in your area.
By doing the above you can not only gain forgiveness but also try and get to the root cause of your issues. You must act immediately because we know not how long we have left and as long as we are breathing then we have every opportunity of correcting our wrong and living a life that pleases Allah.
Thereafter that you will never want to look back but you can move forward in life with contentment and peace in your heart and do your best to leave a legacy behind by which you can continue gaining rewards even after your gone. Everyone of us is capable of achieving great things in our lives and we must never allow our sins to hold us back. So keep repenting to Allah always as Almighty Allah loves repentance. Fulfill the daily prayers and connect to the Masjid and the Quran and awaken for the night prayers. Remember Allah much and enjoin good and forbid evil. Keep striving and never give in because Allah will ask us that did we not get enough opportunities to change? Surely we have every opportunity to do so therefore we must act now.
May Allah enable us to do the best we can in this life so we can achieve the best of this life and the next. Ameen
eace: