Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

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lazybones18

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Salam - first time poster seeking advise. I am a muslim

I am a married 32 year old male living in California. My mother is divorced from my biological father and got re-married to a man who lives in Pakistan. She refuses to lives with her second husband and wants to stay with me in my house in USA. They just talk on the phone and she visits her few times a year.

My mother has a very toxic personality and in her mind she is always right and the entire world is wrong. Since i got married 2 years ago she is constantly bickering/nagging to my wife on small things such as cleaning, cooking etc etc. My wife hates argument so she just stays quiet whenever my mother throws a tantrum. my wife and myself are very unhappy and we want to find a way to get out of this situation.

My question is what is the best way to handle this situation? if i tell my mother i dont want to live with her anymore she will threaten me with Islam and how i am suppose to take care of her forever/she is my responsbility. If i tell her she needs to live with her 2nd husband she will just tell me that she will divorce him and dont want to live with him. talking to her and working things out is not a option now as she will never change the way she acts/behave.

PLease advise.

Thank You
 
Assalamu Alaikum

Is it possible to bring your mother's husband to the US so she has some companionship? And is it possible for you to seek your own accommodation with your wife separately from your mother?
 
Is it possible to bring your mother's husband to the US so she has some companionship? Yes its very possible but my mother refuses to go this route. She has a lot of problems with her 2nd husband and basically do not want to live with him. so i guess answer is no

And is it possible for you to seek your own accommodation with your wife separately from your mother? It is possible but when i bring this topic up my mother threatens me how in Islam i am suppose to take care of her.

 
lazybones18 said:
And is it possible for you to seek your own accommodation with your wife separately from your mother? It is possible but when i bring this topic up my mother threatens me how in Islam i am suppose to take care of her.
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Your wife has her rights to live in her own place away from her in-laws. Moving out doesn't mean that you are not taking care of your mom or that you're disobeying her. You can still take care of your mother and treat her fairly by living in your own place. The only issue I see with this is that your mom will be living alone without a mahram, but that is her fault since she isn't giving her own husband his Islamic rights by living with him. She should have been living with her husband instead of impeding on you and your wife's marriage, and she is in fact in the wrong here islamically. Perhaps if you moved into a new place but stayed close to her it would be a better scenario. In any case, remain patient and kind with her. If you choose to move out, that is ok and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
 
Assalamu Alaikum

Unfortunately a lot of the first generation mums from indo/Pak are like this and it is best for your wife to be patient... InshAllah both her and you will be rewarded.

I'm thinking more in terms of, you have a responsibility to look after your mum and you can't do the cooking for her? and your wife is under your authority and you can get your wife to cook for her and other looking after that she needs. This is the way some cultures are and I think it's Islamic too.

So, be patient, and inshAllah your wife will learn to deal with your mums bickering and taunting.

Remember, your mum went through much more hatdship with you just being in her tummy.
 
Dear brother lazybones18, your mother sounds like she is very attached to you. Yet it is normal for you to want to live your own life.
What ever route you decide to go, do keep in mind that your mother probably does this because she is attached to you and cares for you. So do be gentle. A mother's hearth can be so easily broken with an unwisely choose word.


What does her (second) husband thinks of all this? Does he not mind not living in the same country as his wife?
 
*charisma* said:
Your wife has her rights to live in her own place away from her in-laws. Moving out doesn't mean that you are not taking care of your mom or that you're disobeying her. You can still take care of your mother and treat her fairly by living in your own place. The only issue I see with this is that your mom will be living alone without a mahram, but that is her fault since she isn't giving her own husband his Islamic rights by living with him. She should have been living with her husband instead of impeding on you and your wife's marriage, and she is in fact in the wrong here islamically. Perhaps if you moved into a new place but stayed close to her it would be a better scenario. In any case, remain patient and kind with her. If you choose to move out, that is ok and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
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Assalamualikum Sister.

Do you have any evidence that a wife has that right? For AFAIK the wife is to obey the husband as long as it's not unreasonable or sinning.

In Islam, once the children reach adulthood, the parent and children roles are reversed and it's the children's duty (especially the sons', as the daughters marry and go to husbands house) to fully look after their parents, even to the point of cooking and catering to their every need and this would be very difficult if parents and children live separately
 
Ahmed. said:
Assalamualikum Sister.

Do you have any evidence that a wife has that right? For AFAIK the wife is to obey the husband as long as it's not unreasonable or sinning.

In Islam, once the children reach adulthood, the parent and children roles are reversed and it's the children's duty (especially the sons', as the daughters marry and go to husbands house) to fully look after their parents, even to the point of cooking and catering to their every need and this would be very difficult if parents and children live separately
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Walaikum Assalaam,

You're half right. We must be dutiful, respectful, and kind to our parents, but while we are married, our husbands/wives have rights over us as well. We have to find a balance in which we can serve both. That doesn't mean that a wife is forced to live with her in-laws if her husband has the means to give her a dwelling place. If the wife is ok with it, then that is great. But if she is not and her husband has the ability to give her a place, then she can't be made to live with people whom she doesn't feel comfortable around. Also take into consideration if nonmahrems, such as her brothers in law, lived with her parents in law. It would be very uncomfortable to be coerced into staying such as house. The best course of action would be to live close by or take turns as siblings to take care of the parent. It shouldn't feel like a burden nor should it impede into relationships. Food can be sent, visits can be made, chores can be taken care of, gifts can be given, etc. but we don't all have to live under one roof.

http://www.recitequran.com/tafsir/en.ibn-kathir/65:6
Applies to divorced women, but if a divorced woman has to have accommodation, then the rights of the wife would be even greater.

https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7653/she-does-not-want-to-live-with-her-husbands-family

Also please bear in mind that if this is a stipulation in the marriage contract (ie. wife requests to have her own house), then it must be fulfilled. I hope men and women do not get married without knowing the rights they have over each other as husband/wife. It's sad how many rush into it without knowledge and how many problems occur because of it.
 
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*charisma* said:
Walaikum Assalaam,

You're half right. We must be dutiful, respectful, and kind to our parents, but while we are married, our husbands/wives have rights over us as well. We have to find a balance in which we can serve both. That doesn't mean that a wife is forced to live with her in-laws if her husband has the means to give her a dwelling place. If the wife is ok with it, then that is great. But if she is not and her husband has the ability to give her a place, then she can't be made to live with people whom she doesn't feel comfortable around. Also take into consideration if nonmahrems, such as her brothers in law, lived with her parents in law. It would be very uncomfortable to be coerced into staying such as house. The best course of action would be to live close by or take turns as siblings to take care of the parent. It shouldn't feel like a burden nor should it impede into relationships. Food can be sent, visits can be made, chores can be taken care of, gifts can be given, etc. but we don't all have to live under one roof.

http://www.recitequran.com/tafsir/en.ibn-kathir/65:6
Applies to divorced women, but if a divorced woman has to have accommodation, then the rights of the wife would be even greater.

https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7653/she-does-not-want-to-live-with-her-husbands-family

Also please bear in mind that if this is a stipulation in the marriage contract (ie. wife requests to have her own house), then it must be fulfilled. I hope men and women do not get married without knowing the rights they have over each other as husband/wife. It's sad how many rush into it without knowledge and how many problems occur because of it.
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JazakAllah Sister, didn't know that so I learnt something today! :)
 
I am bumping this post in hopes of seeking guidance

since the original post about a 1.5 years ago i have continued living with my mother. However, the situation has only worsen. My mother now constantly picks fights on small things. Mother thinks my wife is brainwashing me to go against her. My younger brother lives me with also and he is also having relationship problem with her. When i tell her that she needs to go live with her husband or bring her husband here, she threatens that she will divorce her husband if i ever bring up this topic. whenever I tell her i will buy or rent her a separate apartment near me she threatens me that she will never see me again and i am not even welcome to see her dead body. Me and my wife are working professional and we just want to live a normal life away from this day to day problems.

My mother health is also not good she has high blood pressure. When i tell her i will get a separate apartment she tells me how bad of a son i am that i am throwing her out of the house.

The only solution i see is kick her out of the house and get her a seperate apartment.
 
lazybones18 said:
I am bumping this post in hopes of seeking guidance

since the original post about a 1.5 years ago i have continued living with my mother. However, the situation has only worsen. My mother now constantly picks fights on small things. Mother thinks my wife is brainwashing me to go against her. My younger brother lives me with also and he is also having relationship problem with her. When i tell her that she needs to go live with her husband or bring her husband here, she threatens that she will divorce her husband if i ever bring up this topic. whenever I tell her i will buy or rent her a separate apartment near me she threatens me that she will never see me again and i am not even welcome to see her dead body. Me and my wife are working professional and we just want to live a normal life away from this day to day problems.

My mother health is also not good she has high blood pressure. When i tell her i will get a separate apartment she tells me how bad of a son i am that i am throwing her out of the house.

The only solution i see is kick her out of the house and get her a seperate apartment.
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Your mom threatens to divorce her husband?? ....... pfffff.......AAHAHAHAHA....- falls down laughing so hard, pounding fist on the floor -. Really?? You are serious with this? She threatens to divorce her husband? Please do me a favor, bring that topic up again. Tell her to return back to her husband. She is committing sins over sins over sins to have left her husband without his permission. Tell her, she will be among the cursed women if she does not repent and return back to her husband. Tell her to go ahead and "divorce" her husband, that her divorcing her husband is hot air and ineffective. She could write it on paper, go to the court, go to the NON-MUSLIM court, got a signed legal document from the non-Muslim court, and announce it a billion times over, "HUSBAND I DIVORCE THEE! I DIVORCE THEE!!" and she can wave her wand at him in hopes magical particles come out of it and she can use hat that manipulate the brain of her husband to believe that divorce have taken effect and she can live separate from him and go ahead and marry someone else and he marries someone else AND GUESS WHAT...THE DIVORCE DID NOT TAKE EFFECT. SHE IS STILL MARRIED TO YOUR father and the other man she married she have committed another evil act and it is called Zina and that marriage is NOT VALID. Unless.....there is one way where a woman CAN SEPARATE from her husband...it is called, denounce Islam. She announces she is no longer Muslim and the marriage is automatically broken and the husband is not married to her. OTHER THAN THAT...the right of divorce is ON THE HANDS OF THE HUSBANDS alone.
 
When I said separate from her husband by means "she is the one who divorce her husband"....I know there is kholea....I am not talking about that...I am talking that she initiate the divorce...
 
Ahmed. said:
I'm thinking more in terms of, you have a responsibility to look after your mum and you can't do the cooking for her? and your wife is under your authority and you can get your wife to cook for her and other looking after that she needs. This is the way some cultures are and I think it's Islamic too.

.
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I don't think it is fair to say this, his wife shouldn't have to deal with his mother's behavior

https://islamqa.info/en/answers/638...usbands-relatives-interfere-in-his-wifes-life

She is not obliged to do the cooking and cleaning for his mother.

Edit: I hadn't realized that you made your comment a year ago.. Oh well I am not even sure if I've seen Ahmed as an active user now?
 
Why is your mom and her husband married if they aren't even living with eachother?

I don't believe your mom will cut off connection with you... She probably will need you eventually so maybe it is best to provide her with another apartment.. Do you have the money for that?
 
lazybones18 said:
I am bumping this post in hopes of seeking guidance

since the original post about a 1.5 years ago i have continued living with my mother. However, the situation has only worsen. My mother now constantly picks fights on small things. Mother thinks my wife is brainwashing me to go against her. My younger brother lives me with also and he is also having relationship problem with her. When i tell her that she needs to go live with her husband or bring her husband here, she threatens that she will divorce her husband if i ever bring up this topic. whenever I tell her i will buy or rent her a separate apartment near me she threatens me that she will never see me again and i am not even welcome to see her dead body. Me and my wife are working professional and we just want to live a normal life away from this day to day problems.

My mother health is also not good she has high blood pressure. When i tell her i will get a separate apartment she tells me how bad of a son i am that i am throwing her out of the house.

The only solution i see is kick her out of the house and get her a seperate apartment.
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Dear brother,
Did you find a solution, im writing today, November 2022, I just saw your post from December 2020.
I understand you very well, having to deal myself with a toxic mom, actually I think u dont need to kick her out of the house but you need some1 to help u in dealing with this, this some1 is your stepfather. I think you should make a plan with him so that he asks her to live with him either in his country or in USA and start from here. Then put a plan B if this dkesnt work, the important thing is to stay respectful and kind, but not stupid to ruin your marriage just because your mam doesnt know what she is doing.
 
lazybones18 said:
I am bumping this post in hopes of seeking guidance

since the original post about a 1.5 years ago i have continued living with my mother. However, the situation has only worsen. My mother now constantly picks fights on small things. Mother thinks my wife is brainwashing me to go against her. My younger brother lives me with also and he is also having relationship problem with her. When i tell her that she needs to go live with her husband or bring her husband here, she threatens that she will divorce her husband if i ever bring up this topic. whenever I tell her i will buy or rent her a separate apartment near me she threatens me that she will never see me again and i am not even welcome to see her dead body. Me and my wife are working professional and we just want to live a normal life away from this day to day problems.

My mother health is also not good she has high blood pressure. When i tell her i will get a separate apartment she tells me how bad of a son i am that i am throwing her out of the house.

The only solution i see is kick her out of the house and get her a seperate apartment.
Click to expand...

Also dont forget Dua'a 24/ 24, best of luck
 
In an attempt to address the ongoing issues, I took the step of purchasing a home adjacent to mine for my mother. This decision, though not without financial strain, was made to ensure a separate living space and reduce conflicts. Despite these efforts, the situation has not improved. My mother continues to engage in disputes over trivial matters, contributing to an atmosphere of tension. While my wife and I rarely encounter conflicts between ourselves, disagreements often arise due to my mother's presence.

My wife, who has remained remarkably composed, has been subjected to hurtful comments from my mother on an almost daily basis. This has taken a toll on her mental well-being, as evidenced by her recent admission of sleepless nights. This issue has escalated to the point where it is impacting not only our relationship but also the emotional environment for our two young children.

A brief background of my mother's history reveals a pattern of tumultuous relationships. She has been divorced from her biological father and subsequently married a second time, a union she chose not to maintain and has preparations for divorce at hand. Regrettably, her personal matters and decisions are kept from me, as she remains adamant about maintaining her autonomy. While she resides in the home I provided adjacent to mine, the same problems persist. Her history is marked by the deterioration of the majority of her relationships, encompassing spouses, siblings, in-laws, friends, business associates, and even acquaintances in the community.

Efforts to encourage her to seek therapy, which could potentially lead to constructive changes, have been met with resistance. Given this context, I find myself at a crossroads as a son, uncertain about the best course of action. Must I compromise the well-being of my wife and children to maintain ties with my mother?

At this juncture, it appears that severing ties with my mother may be the only viable option left. I grapple with the moral implications of this decision, as it raises concerns about the gravity of such an act. However, the persistent toxicity and negative influence on multiple aspects of life leave me with limited alternatives.

In evaluating the choices before me, I am left with the challenging task of reconciling the well-being of my immediate family with my responsibilities and feelings towards my mother. As I contemplate the path forward, I am open to seeking guidance and insight to make a decision that upholds the Islamic values
Allah please guide me to the right path
 

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