I'd like you some advice on something that happened in my life and, more specifically, how you forgive others and how you forgive yourself. I feel like this story has taken me further away from Allah and I'd like to have your opinion on what I should do now. I hope you can help me brothers and sisters and that you will not be too judgmental of me . Also, please forgive my English. My native language is French.
I'm far for being the kind of person who knows a lot about Islam, but I used to be the kind of person who would pray 5 times, fast during the month of Ramadan and do my best to be kind and humble to others. When I was 17 (I will turn 23 soon insha'Allah), I fell in love with a Muslim girl. I viewed her as someone incredibly smart, caring and humble. I had no intention at first to do anything about it, but since she told me that she had feelings for me, I told her the same. Right after telling this to each other, we agreed we wouldn't do anything (in terms of actions) before we're both done with our studies and ready to get married. I knew at that time that what I was doing was wrong, namely I was aware that being in a pre-marital relationship is forbidden, which is why I told myself (and I know it was not right) that if I don't do anything (no hand-holding, no "I love you" messages) I'd be able to make this work without it being 100% Haram.
So, for the next 5 years, this girl and I didn't do anything apart from being close friends (we would help each other for our studies, we'd talk about personal problems, ...). I don't usually talk to girls (especially not about this stuff), but again she was no ordinary girl to me. Alhamdulillah, I've always been at ease when it comes to my studies, so at the age 22 I was done with my Master's degree and I was ready to get married (she was 21 at the time and she was almost done). When I told her that it is time, she told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to. I was really devastated and hurt, so much so that I would have panic attacks and would throw up very often. This is the period during which I sort of distanced myself from Allah and Islam in general. I gave up on prayer. I didn't feel well, I felt like I was a total failure and I had suicidal thoughts.
A little later, I discovered that she had been having similar "stories" with other guys before she told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore (nothing other than telling them she liked them and remaining close with them, just like she did with me). I asked her for explanations, but she cleverly denied. I managed to find proof, and I asked again. Her answer was "Nothing actually happened between us. Yes, when I was young, there was this conversation where we told each other about our feelings. That's it. There was nothing more, no real formalization. We didn't even hold hands. I was very young and telling you that I had feelings for you didn't mean I was in a relationship. You were just a guy that I fancied, there is really nothing more to it than that." At that moment I think I've never been so furious. I'm angry at myself first because I've let those feelings for this girl drive me away from my faith. I willingly decided to tell her that I had romantic feelings for her, knowing that it was wrong because I thought I could make this right. I am also very angry at her for being so deceitful, to say the least.
I've started praying again, after almost year. I've asked for forgiveness for my sins to Allah multiple times. However, when it comes forgiving myself for what I did, I feel like I am unable to do that and it makes me feel very anxious and angry when I think about it. I am also very angry at this girl, and I feel like a hypocrite to ask Allah for forgiveness, but I'm unable to forgive her or myself.I'd like to have your advice on what I should do now as I feel kind of lost. Do not hesitate to be harsh or direct with me if you really feel like I messed up.Best regards,Akris
I'm far for being the kind of person who knows a lot about Islam, but I used to be the kind of person who would pray 5 times, fast during the month of Ramadan and do my best to be kind and humble to others. When I was 17 (I will turn 23 soon insha'Allah), I fell in love with a Muslim girl. I viewed her as someone incredibly smart, caring and humble. I had no intention at first to do anything about it, but since she told me that she had feelings for me, I told her the same. Right after telling this to each other, we agreed we wouldn't do anything (in terms of actions) before we're both done with our studies and ready to get married. I knew at that time that what I was doing was wrong, namely I was aware that being in a pre-marital relationship is forbidden, which is why I told myself (and I know it was not right) that if I don't do anything (no hand-holding, no "I love you" messages) I'd be able to make this work without it being 100% Haram.
So, for the next 5 years, this girl and I didn't do anything apart from being close friends (we would help each other for our studies, we'd talk about personal problems, ...). I don't usually talk to girls (especially not about this stuff), but again she was no ordinary girl to me. Alhamdulillah, I've always been at ease when it comes to my studies, so at the age 22 I was done with my Master's degree and I was ready to get married (she was 21 at the time and she was almost done). When I told her that it is time, she told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to. I was really devastated and hurt, so much so that I would have panic attacks and would throw up very often. This is the period during which I sort of distanced myself from Allah and Islam in general. I gave up on prayer. I didn't feel well, I felt like I was a total failure and I had suicidal thoughts.
A little later, I discovered that she had been having similar "stories" with other guys before she told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore (nothing other than telling them she liked them and remaining close with them, just like she did with me). I asked her for explanations, but she cleverly denied. I managed to find proof, and I asked again. Her answer was "Nothing actually happened between us. Yes, when I was young, there was this conversation where we told each other about our feelings. That's it. There was nothing more, no real formalization. We didn't even hold hands. I was very young and telling you that I had feelings for you didn't mean I was in a relationship. You were just a guy that I fancied, there is really nothing more to it than that." At that moment I think I've never been so furious. I'm angry at myself first because I've let those feelings for this girl drive me away from my faith. I willingly decided to tell her that I had romantic feelings for her, knowing that it was wrong because I thought I could make this right. I am also very angry at her for being so deceitful, to say the least.
I've started praying again, after almost year. I've asked for forgiveness for my sins to Allah multiple times. However, when it comes forgiving myself for what I did, I feel like I am unable to do that and it makes me feel very anxious and angry when I think about it. I am also very angry at this girl, and I feel like a hypocrite to ask Allah for forgiveness, but I'm unable to forgive her or myself.I'd like to have your advice on what I should do now as I feel kind of lost. Do not hesitate to be harsh or direct with me if you really feel like I messed up.Best regards,Akris
